Top 100 Adult Humor Quotes
#1. An uneventful, quiet life together is more my idea of a romance."
"Really? Oh. Well. It won't get you featured in any of the ballads though."
"Yes," he said, with a heavy sigh. "And that will be the great tragedy of my romance.
Sonal Panse
#2. You know what they say,' Suz had texted. 'Once you go geek, you never go back.
Linda Morris
#3. And just as I thought that my happy ending was beginning, it had to end so soon even though it hadn't started yet.
Kristine Cuevas
#4. Too young to care; Too old to change.
Hafsa Shah
#5. Lucy: I don't feel like talking about college. It increases my stress level.
James: And increased stress levels lead to hair loss.
Lucy: My head-hair volume is fine.
James: You say that like I should be concerned about leg-hair volume.
Kristen Tracy
#6. It could have been worse. He could have said he wasn't a 'dessert person' and then I would have been forced to jump out of a moving car.
Saba Kapur
#7. His question is pretty dangerous for me to try to answer, so I don't - it continues to hang out there like the stained underwear at a slumber party that goes unclaimed.
Jen Naumann
#8. Oh my!! How you've grown. Soon you'll be catching the Lord's balls.
Marjane Satrapi
#9. The adult was Eric "Rusty" Everett, thirty-seven, a physician's assistant working with Dr. Ron Haskell, whom Rusty often thought of as The Wonderful Wizard of Oz. Because, Rusty would have explained, he so often remains behind the curtain while I do the work.
Stephen King
#10. It's like a jolt of electricity, but worse.
Lee Davidson
#11. What are you going to fill it with?" she asks. "Holy water or something?"
"Probably Dasani," Thomas replies.
Kendare Blake
#12. Now, I meant to talk about something else earlier on, and I've forgotten what it was. I've remembered what it is again, but I've also forgotten. And that's really what adult life is like most of the time.
Dylan Moran
#13. Dude, it's mind control. That's got to be the best superpower ever!
Lee Davidson
#14. I couldn't help but notice how hot he looked tonight with his strong build lining his t-shirt. He should never cover his beauty with clothes and such things. - Ariel
Victoria H. Smith
#15. Then maybe you'll believe me when I say ... you're pretty fucking special, Laney Hill.
Cassia Leo
#16. Ernestine used to remark, in a tone tinged with envy, that Lill was probably New Jersey's youngest gold digger, and that few adult gold diggers ever had received more, in return for less.
Frank B. Gilbreth Jr.
#17. He's a he. I mean he's a guy. He's your mate. Oh my God you're gay!" Aleks exclaimed. Liam slapped himself on the forehead.
Alanea Alder
#18. Life is much simpler if you don't notice anything ...
Tom Upton
#19. The Female Orgasm. The Big O. That elusive, reclusive Loch Ness of the labia. Does it prove the existence of God, or just His twisted sense of humor?
Kirstie Collins Brote
#20. But, I still can't totally forgive Dave for blowing my world apart. DO YOU HEAR THAT, DAVE?!
K.M. Shea
#21. Isn't that thing a little unsanitary for the workplace?" I pointed to his lip ring.
"I assure you that my lip ring is the last thing you should be worried about." He smiled as he leaned on the counter.
Magan Vernon
#22. I had learned that you should always shout louder than your aggressor.
Marjane Satrapi
#24. The only options I have are a four fingered shuffle and an aging vibrator whose batteries, the last time I looked, were leaking a sticky liquid.
I long to do the same."
Time Was by Paul Adams
Paul Adams
#25. I don't have enough gross words in my gross vocabulary to describe how gross that gross thought is. Gross.
A.S. King
#27. She walks a tightrope between psycho and smokin'.
Daniel Marks
#28. When he flashed that rockin' smile of his again, I couldn't help but think that me being cute was what might be crossing his mind. Then again, maybe he thought I was a dumbass. Either way, he smiled, which was good enough for me. - Ariel
Victoria H. Smith
#29. I loved the feeling of finally falling in love to someone who would love me back.
Kristine Cuevas
#30. Those sweet lips. My, oh my, I could kiss those lips all night long.
Good things come to those who wait.
Jess C. Scott
#31. Who in their right mind counts the tiles on the floor when they go visiting a neighbor?
Tom Upton
#33. Next! The taller of the guys at the door called. Saved by the yell.
Magan Vernon
#34. He wanted to break up with me in the cafeteria? Fat chance. I leaned toward him and touched his arm in a girlfriend sort of way. "If you planned to stage a public breakup with me, you can forget it."
Amusement showed in his hazel eyes. "Think you can stop me?
Chris Cannon
#35. Coming into your powers can be a very confusing time. Perhaps there is a book on the subject. If you like, we can go see Marian.
Yeah, right. Choices and Changes. A Modern Girl's Guide to Casting. My Mom Wants to Kill Me: A Self-Help Book For Teens.
Kami Garcia
#36. Well, of course. But, we already knew that. I mean ... I am kind of a big deal-Matt Carter
Natasha Larry
#37. I was playing a new part in a new play: the messed-up adult child coming home in a truly pitiful state in the back of her parents' luxury sedan.
It was a glorious suburban homecoming.
Inna Swinton
#38. It's like everyone has a central dilemma in their life, and mine was can you be in a committed, mature, loving adult relationship and still get invited to threesomes? - Dexter Mayhew
David Nicholls
#40. Sometimes i pretend to be childish just for some shits!
Kimmy
#41. You know you're officially an adult when you finally understand WHY Miss Hannigan was drinking bath water.
Christy Hall
#42. They don't tend to feature the kind of vaginas I like in adult films. I tend to like a thick, heavy pussy - the kind of pussy that looks like it just smoked an exploding cartoon cigar.
Jim Norton
#43. She paused in the doorway, tipping her head to consider Brittany, who only glared. "You're right. I think most girls don't look like the tooth fairy dresses them every day.
Wendy Knight
#44. I was a little shocked at how adult some of the humor was, because I was never that into animation before and when I watched 'Shrek' I really laughed out loud.
Cheryl Hines
#45. And all those things you listed right now, they're
things Garrett and I do together. Dude, you don't want me. You want me and
Garrett.
Elle Kennedy
#46. How old did they tell you I am?" she demanded, hurrying to match his pace.
Joel shook his head. "If my mother ever taught me anything, it was to never question a lady's age.
Deidre Huesmann
#47. A layer of fine powder coats his skin.
"My lungs are turning to concrete," Rob wheezes, hacking and spitting.
"So are my eyes. How do I always get roped into these things?" Avery coughs and pats Rob's back in sympathy. A poof of dust billows from the contact.
Laura Kreitzer
#48. You cats mind if I make it a trio?' he asked me, and it was not a huge surprise that a dude of his appearance was speaking in Jazz Voice.
Jesse Andrews
#49. Don't think you're some kind of snowflake, suit guy. I'm a bitch to everyone.
Magan Vernon
#50. The key to having good scales is a healthy diet of venison when you're just a wee dragon lad.
Sully Tarnish
#51. First thing is that I love you. And the second thing is that as much as I honor your former profession, I don't think your geese care much for your betrothed and I hope they hadn't any plans on sharing our bed.
Shannon Hale
#52. I guess if you get too close, the twinkling stops; they don't look like stars anymore.
Graham Spaid
#53. Noontime was absolutely the perfect time for a duel in the dragon's opinion as this was also lunchtime, his favorite part of the day. As the saying went, he could kill two birds with one stone.
Sully Tarnish
#55. How would you like to star in your very own commercial?"
"I'd rather swim in battery acid.
Robin Benway
#56. The only thing altruism will get you here is a boot stomping on your head.
Henry Mosquera
#57. A female dragon's tail is of the utmost importance to her. Male dragons find them irresistible. After all where do you think the term 'Getting some tail' came from?
Sully Tarnish
#58. Still, it's really frustrating me that there doesn't seem to be anything in my closet that's appropriate to wear to an exorcism.
Paige McKenzie
#59. For the record, I would like to point out that it is NOT being obsessive to memorize a boy's schedule so that you can accidentally bump into him. It is called being efficient.
Jess Rothenberg
#60. The beaded purple top scooped low, showing off quite a bit of cleavage. And by quite a bit, I mean holy hell balls, that's a lot of boobage.
Cindi Madsen
#61. A Christian telling an atheist they're going to hell is as scary as a child telling an adult they're not getting any presents from Santa.
Ricky Gervais
#62. I've always had these fantasies about being in a normal family in which the parents come to town and their adult daughter spends their entire visit daydreaming of suicide. I'm here to tell you that dreams really do come true.
Sarah Vowell
#63. Other than the voices in my head, I think I'm pretty normal.
Tom Upton
#64. Leo," Jason said, "you're weird."
"Yeah, you tell me that a lot." Leo grinned. "But if you don't remember me, that means I can reuse all my old jokes ... !
Rick Riordan
#65. You're not doing a good job of selling me this dumb fantasy. I'm not climbing into the back of your van if I have to be Robin. I'm Batman. That's how these things work.
John Kerry
#66. Disembodied spirits," said his partner, "are not known to use telephones. Neither are spooks, phantoms, or werewolves."
"That was in the old days. Why shouldn't they change with the times and be modern, too?
Robert Arthur
#67. It's adult swim time and I'm diving in here at the shallow end.
Suzanne Finnamore
#68. Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work. It's like making a hard core adult film, and then editing it so that it can be shown in British hotels. You'd just end up with a sort of half hour close up of some bloke's sweaty face.
Jeremy Clarkson
#69. When I was younger I used to think that band-aids did all the work. I mean after all, it binds your wound together and makes everything better back to the way it was. But then I became an adult and started to fall in love,fvi and I realize that band-aids are so overrated lol.
Onee'sha Ford
#70. You would do the same for me. He smiled a big toothy smile before he hopped off my car and walked away, leaving me wondering what was up with the guy in the girl jeans and why I couldn't get him off of my mind.
Magan Vernon
#71. As an adult, getting paid thousands of dollars a week to say, "Aye, Sir. Course laid in" is a seriously sweet gig, but when I was a teenager, it sucked.
Wil Wheaton
#72. This is the Rock, sweetheart," the owner added. "There's no tragedy you can't profit from.
Henry Mosquera
#74. My memories came back like a punch in the face. Only good.
Lee Davidson
#75. Strange though, I never took you for a nympho.
Eve Masters
#76. When I look at my bookcase and see the books upon the shelves, I think to myself, There is a God.
Sully Tarnish
#77. Thank you adult mittens, for allowing me to give people the finger without them knowing it.
Jimmy Fallon
#78. So, Azalee - " When he turned to her, she stared daggers back - almost as though she had read his mind. Can Chertzes do that? he wondered in a wild moment of panic.
"What?" bit Azalee when he didn't continue.
Mighty Zeus, could he go five minutes without offending a woman?
Deidre Huesmann
#79. In life you'll meet a lot of jerks. If they hurt you, tell yourself that it's because they're stupid. That will help keep you from reacting to their cruelty. Because there is nothing worse than bitterness and vengeance ... Always keep your dignity and be true to yourself.
Marjane Satrapi
#81. What are you doing?" I asked. "Are we getting all Fifty Shades up in here?"
He shushed me. "Nothing that dangerous. You won't need a safe word.
Sophia Bleu
#82. When I was laying there in his arms nothing else mattered. My parents, my lack of funds, everything just seemed to melt away as I was lost in his lips- Bentley Evans
Magan Vernon
#83. I'm not going," he said. He held up the Third key like a weapon. Sensing his mood, it grew longer and sharper, till he was holding a trident as long as he was tall ... "And anyone who tries to make me is going to suffer."
"Twice," added the voice under the table.
Garth Nix
#84. We'd better get. But y'all have a nice night,' I say. Apparently, fear turns me Texan. A startling personality insight that I'll jot down later if I'm not dead in a ditch.
A.M. Robinson
#85. The other one was filled with loud and obnoxious tourists. Always boasting on winning a sand castle competition and seeing who could get tanned first. What a whacky bunch of people.
Erica Sehyun Song
#86. I have never been reduced to begging somebody to leave me alone, but in your case I'll make an exception.
Tom Upton
#87. Oh, yeah. He's dead, a voice inside her head confirmed.
"No way!" Brianna backed away from him, looking around the room in panic.
Yeah, you're right. That lack of pulse probably means something else.
Natasha Larry
#88. Were the stars against him? A woman's fingers are quicker in the sky and shine more brightly.
Graham Spaid
#89. Your problem is a serious lack of imagination. You can't imagine being different than you are.
Linda Morris
#90. Alan: Conning people out of their savings. Forgery. Blackmail. Selling real estate on Mars. We could have it all. You with me, Bambi?"
Sin: "Clive, I was with you from 'I'm a social worker.
Sarah Rees Brennan
#91. I'm going to make love to you, Lanie. I'm not your first, but I will be the last.
Flora Roberts
#92. On Christmas morning, Rebecca lost her moral virginity, her sense of humor - and her two best friends. But, other than that, it was a hell of a holiday.
Ellen Emerson White
#93. No one asked your opinion O'Brien," the red-haired one snapped again.
"No one ever asks yours either, that doesn't seem to stop you from giving it," he countered.
C.E. Dimond
#94. Yes, his ear. I was attracted to his ear. While I was in church. I'm pretty sure that solidifies my position as the weirdest person on the planet.
Amanda Hamm
#95. Dead yet?" Gus answered.
I smirked. "Not yet, but the night's still young."
"Here's hoping.
Jessica Shirvington
#96. Just be careful, hon," Rosanna said.
"Oh, are the plates hot?" I flinched back just before my hands made contact.
Rosanna laughed. "No, but hot boys can burn you just as easily.
C.J. Duggan
#97. The balanced adult retains an inner child. The secret is to know when to put him away.
Anthony North
#98. She glared at me. I didn't care. One word was playing a loop in my heaad: mine.
Kristen Callihan
#99. I don't lie to you," Alan said. "I lie WITH you."
Sin stopped looking up at him from under her eyelashes and burst out laughing.
Alan went red. "So I've just realized how that come out. Uh.
Sarah Rees Brennan
#100. Could the two people who are making out please be quiet?" the Colonel asked loudly from his sleeping bag. "Those of us who are not making out are drunk and tired.
John Green
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