Top 100 Youngman Quotes

#1. When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win. -Henny Youngman, comedian and violinist (1906-1998)

Henny Youngman

Youngman Quotes #813325
#2. Let me die a youngman's death not a clean and in-between- the-sheets, holy-water death.

Roger McGough

Youngman Quotes #904287
#3. I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman.

Milton Berle

Youngman Quotes #916426
#4. In high school football, the coach kept me on the bench all year. On the last game of the season, the crowd was yelling, We want Youngman! We want Youngman! The coach says, Youngman - go see what they want!

Henny Youngman

Youngman Quotes #1039964
#5. My dad loved comedians, especially George Jessel, and he loved Henny Youngman and Buddy Hackett.

Al Franken

Youngman Quotes #1265450
#6. O: Hey youngman, you should respect me!
Y: Hey oldman, you should understand me!

Toba Beta

Youngman Quotes #1511841
#7. Where did you get your haircut, the pet shop?

Henny Youngman

Youngman Quotes #90
#8. My grandmother is over eighty
and she still doesn't need glasses.
Drinks right out of the bottle.

Henny Youngman

Youngman Quotes #6068
#9. I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in.

Henny Youngman

Youngman Quotes #9446
#10. If a joke is too hard to visualize, I tell the young comics, then what the hell good is it?

Henny Youngman

Youngman Quotes #52821
#11. I have terrible luck. Last week my chauffeur ran off without my wife.

Henny Youngman

Youngman Quotes #62909
#12. His motto is "Love Thy Neighbor". His neighbor is an 18 year old hooker.

Henny Youngman

Youngman Quotes #66544
#13. We were married for better or worse. I couldn't have done better, and she couldn't have done worse.

Henny Youngman

Youngman Quotes #66813
#14. She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.

Henny Youngman

Youngman Quotes #68482
#15. When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.

Henny Youngman

Youngman Quotes #77747
#16. If you're gonna do something tonight that you'll regret tomorrow morning, sleep late

Henny Youngman

Youngman Quotes #85309
#17. Doctor says to a man, "You're pregnant!" The man says, "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says, "The usual way - a little wine, a little dinner ... "

Henny Youngman

Youngman Quotes #99794
#18. Have you seen the new Polish jigsaw puzzle? One piece.

Henny Youngman

Youngman Quotes #102357
#19. I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.

Henny Youngman

Youngman Quotes #105880
#20. The Doctor says, "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell you?"

Henny Youngman

Youngman Quotes #106747
#21. 2 Jewish women in New York. One says, "Do you see what's going on in Poland?" The other says, "I live in the back, I don't see anything."

Henny Youngman

Youngman Quotes #107714
#22. My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week.

Henny Youngman

Youngman Quotes #124668
#23. He doesn't get ulcers - he gives them.

Henny Youngman

Youngman Quotes #126809
#24. I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle baby.

Henny Youngman

Youngman Quotes #127072
#25. I know a guy who had his doctor say, "Take some weight off, go to a health club." The man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off!

Henny Youngman

Youngman Quotes #159316
#26. A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? "I was ironing, and the phone rang!" "What about the other ear?" "Had to call the doctor!"

Henny Youngman

Youngman Quotes #188759
#27. The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

Henny Youngman

Youngman Quotes #194708
#28. What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

Henny Youngman

Youngman Quotes #229380
#29. I was walking down the street, and I found a man's hand in my pocket. I asked, "What do you want?" "A match" "Why didn't you ask me?" "I don't talk to strangers."

Henny Youngman

Youngman Quotes #237731
#30. You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.

Henny Youngman

Youngman Quotes #248628
#31. A Polish guy locked his keys in the car. It took an hour to get his wife out.

Henny Youngman

Youngman Quotes #262501
#32. I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.

Henny Youngman

Youngman Quotes #265558
#33. Payday at my house is like the Academy Awards. My wife says: May I have the envelope please.

Henny Youngman

Youngman Quotes #295005
#34. If at first you don't succeed ... So much for skydiving.

Henny Youngman

Youngman Quotes #305908
#35. My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said,'Cough'

Henny Youngman

Youngman Quotes #311565
#36. I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can't wait to exchange.

Henny Youngman

Youngman Quotes #312096
#37. If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.

Henny Youngman

Youngman Quotes #323340
#38. My wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light, she starts to eat.

Henny Youngman

Youngman Quotes #326368
#39. Some people play a horse to win, some to place. I should have bet this horse to live.

Henny Youngman

Youngman Quotes #334992
#40. This man dresses like an unmade bed.

Henny Youngman

Youngman Quotes #348657
#41. The more I think of you, the less I think of you.

Henny Youngman

Youngman Quotes #372705
#42. Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Henny Youngman

Youngman Quotes #372830
#43. Dancing on pointe ... Why don't they just get taller girls?

Henny Youngman

Youngman Quotes #378817
#44. The patient says, "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!"

Henny Youngman

Youngman Quotes #389630
#45. I don't fly on account of my religion. I'm a devout coward.

Henny Youngman

Youngman Quotes #396622
#46. My wife and I got remarried. Our divorce didn't work out.

Henny Youngman

Youngman Quotes #399942
#47. Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.

Henny Youngman

Youngman Quotes #400302
#48. The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.

Henny Youngman

Youngman Quotes #430201
#49. You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.

Henny Youngman

Youngman Quotes #433541
#50. I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.

Henny Youngman

Youngman Quotes #435641
#51. I've got two wonderful children - and two out of five isn't too bad.

Henny Youngman

Youngman Quotes #442344
#52. Zsa Zsa Gabor is an expert housekeeper. Every time she gets divorced, she keeps the house.

Henny Youngman

Youngman Quotes #450844
#53. A guy says, I'm so old that I forgot how old I am. An old woman says, I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over. The man does this. The woman says, You're seventy four. The man says, How can you tell? The woman says, You told me yesterday.

Henny Youngman

Youngman Quotes #489350
#54. I miss my wife's cooking, as often as I can

Henny Youngman

Youngman Quotes #491454
#55. The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail.

Henny Youngman

Youngman Quotes #502928
#56. A motel is where you give up good dollars for bad quarters.

Henny Youngman

Youngman Quotes #504295
#57. I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, "Let's get up here before we get killed!"

Henny Youngman

Youngman Quotes #516259
#58. You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.

Henny Youngman

Youngman Quotes #520424
#59. A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Henny Youngman

Youngman Quotes #525855
#60. Old teachers never die, they just grade away.

Henny Youngman

Youngman Quotes #530988
#61. A guy complains of a headache. Another guy says, Do what I do. I put my head on my wife's bosom, and the headache goes away. The next day, the man says, Did you do what I told you to? Yes, I sure did. By the way, you have a nice house!

Henny Youngman

Youngman Quotes #534652
#62. My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree.

Henny Youngman

Youngman Quotes #541150
#63. A person asked me, How do you prepare for the stage? I told her, Well, it's like this. You go to diction school. They teach you to fill your mouth with marbles and talk right through the marbles. Each day you take one marble out. When you've lost all your marbles ...

Henny Youngman

Youngman Quotes #546835
#64. My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!

Henny Youngman

Youngman Quotes #548586
#65. When I read about the dangers of drinking, I gave up reading

Henny Youngman

Youngman Quotes #551862
#66. My wife has a black belt in shopping.

Henny Youngman

Youngman Quotes #577916
#67. He is the only man I ever met with a seersucker face.

Henny Youngman

Youngman Quotes #579695
#68. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!"

Henny Youngman

Youngman Quotes #590429
#69. My best friend ran away with my wife, and let me tell you, I miss him.

Henny Youngman

Youngman Quotes #590449
#70. Don't move! I want to forget you just the way you are.

Henny Youngman

Youngman Quotes #591898
#71. A little man is running a jewelry store. A man runs in saying, Okay, take my watch, put on a new band, install a new battery, clean the case, install a new crystal, and tune it up. I will be back in a half hour for it. Thanks! and runs out the door. The little jeweler says, C-C-C-Come in?

Henny Youngman

Youngman Quotes #595367
#72. I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.

Henny Youngman

Youngman Quotes #626541
#73. A woman was taking a shower. There is a knock on the door. Who is it? Blind man! The woman opens the door. Where do you want these blinds, lady?

Henny Youngman

Youngman Quotes #626744
#74. I went to the bank and reviewed my savings, I found out I have all the money I'll ever need. If I die tomorrow.

Henny Youngman

Youngman Quotes #631772
#75. When it comes to work, there are many who will stop at nothing.

Henny Youngman

Youngman Quotes #640558
#76. Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

Henny Youngman

Youngman Quotes #654310
#77. This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!

Henny Youngman

Youngman Quotes #677854
#78. A tough guy told me, "I'll bet you $10 you're dead." I was afraid to bet him.

Henny Youngman

Youngman Quotes #683030
#79. Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they are okay, you're it.

Henny Youngman

Youngman Quotes #692796
#80. This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.

Henny Youngman

Youngman Quotes #707221
#81. My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.

Henny Youngman

Youngman Quotes #733475
#82. "Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!"

Henny Youngman

Youngman Quotes #745582
#83. What is a home without children? Quiet.

Henny Youngman

Youngman Quotes #753795
#84. Have I got a mother-in-law. She's so neat she puts paper under the cuckoo clock.

Henny Youngman

Youngman Quotes #756281
#85. College: A fountain of knowledge where all go to drink.

Henny Youngman

Youngman Quotes #759988
#86. I was just in London - there is a 6 hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.

Henny Youngman

Youngman Quotes #763647
#87. You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

Henny Youngman

Youngman Quotes #763698
#88. Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

Henny Youngman

Youngman Quotes #780507
#89. This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.

Henny Youngman

Youngman Quotes #782349
#90. All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others.

Henny Youngman

Youngman Quotes #807635
#91. We aim to please ... You aim too, please.

Henny Youngman

Youngman Quotes #811629
#92. When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

Henny Youngman

Youngman Quotes #816280
#93. I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.

Henny Youngman

Youngman Quotes #825497
#94. Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Henny Youngman

Youngman Quotes #830997
#95. How do Polish people spell farm? E-I-E-I-O

Henny Youngman

Youngman Quotes #843417
#96. All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.

Henny Youngman

Youngman Quotes #865726
#97. My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

Henny Youngman

Youngman Quotes #882232
#98. Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"

Henny Youngman

Youngman Quotes #898417
#99. The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window!

Henny Youngman

Youngman Quotes #913477
#100. My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

Henny Youngman

Youngman Quotes #914113

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