Top 100 Henny Youngman Quotes
#1. When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win. -Henny Youngman, comedian and violinist (1906-1998)
Henny Youngman
#2. I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman.
Milton Berle
#3. My dad loved comedians, especially George Jessel, and he loved Henny Youngman and Buddy Hackett.
Al Franken
#5. My grandmother is over eighty
and she still doesn't need glasses.
Drinks right out of the bottle.
Henny Youngman
#6. I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in.
Henny Youngman
#7. If a joke is too hard to visualize, I tell the young comics, then what the hell good is it?
Henny Youngman
#8. I have terrible luck. Last week my chauffeur ran off without my wife.
Henny Youngman
#9. His motto is "Love Thy Neighbor". His neighbor is an 18 year old hooker.
Henny Youngman
#10. We were married for better or worse. I couldn't have done better, and she couldn't have done worse.
Henny Youngman
#13. If you're gonna do something tonight that you'll regret tomorrow morning, sleep late
Henny Youngman
#14. Doctor says to a man, "You're pregnant!" The man says, "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says, "The usual way - a little wine, a little dinner ... "
Henny Youngman
#15. Have you seen the new Polish jigsaw puzzle? One piece.
Henny Youngman
#16. I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.
Henny Youngman
#17. The Doctor says, "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell you?"
Henny Youngman
#18. 2 Jewish women in New York. One says, "Do you see what's going on in Poland?" The other says, "I live in the back, I don't see anything."
Henny Youngman
#19. My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week.
Henny Youngman
#21. I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle baby.
Henny Youngman
#22. I know a guy who had his doctor say, "Take some weight off, go to a health club." The man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off!
Henny Youngman
#23. A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? "I was ironing, and the phone rang!" "What about the other ear?" "Had to call the doctor!"
Henny Youngman
#24. The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"
Henny Youngman
#25. What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
Henny Youngman
#26. I was walking down the street, and I found a man's hand in my pocket. I asked, "What do you want?" "A match" "Why didn't you ask me?" "I don't talk to strangers."
Henny Youngman
#27. You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.
Henny Youngman
#28. A Polish guy locked his keys in the car. It took an hour to get his wife out.
Henny Youngman
#29. I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.
Henny Youngman
#30. Payday at my house is like the Academy Awards. My wife says: May I have the envelope please.
Henny Youngman
#31. If at first you don't succeed ... So much for skydiving.
Henny Youngman
#32. My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said,'Cough'
Henny Youngman
#33. I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can't wait to exchange.
Henny Youngman
#34. If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.
Henny Youngman
#35. My wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light, she starts to eat.
Henny Youngman
#36. Some people play a horse to win, some to place. I should have bet this horse to live.
Henny Youngman
#39. Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.
Henny Youngman
#40. Dancing on pointe ... Why don't they just get taller girls?
Henny Youngman
#41. The patient says, "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!"
Henny Youngman
#42. I don't fly on account of my religion. I'm a devout coward.
Henny Youngman
#43. My wife and I got remarried. Our divorce didn't work out.
Henny Youngman
#44. Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.
Henny Youngman
#47. I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.
Henny Youngman
#48. I've got two wonderful children - and two out of five isn't too bad.
Henny Youngman
#49. Zsa Zsa Gabor is an expert housekeeper. Every time she gets divorced, she keeps the house.
Henny Youngman
#50. A guy says, I'm so old that I forgot how old I am. An old woman says, I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over. The man does this. The woman says, You're seventy four. The man says, How can you tell? The woman says, You told me yesterday.
Henny Youngman
#53. A motel is where you give up good dollars for bad quarters.
Henny Youngman
#54. I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, "Let's get up here before we get killed!"
Henny Youngman
#55. You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.
Henny Youngman
#56. A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.
Henny Youngman
#58. A guy complains of a headache. Another guy says, Do what I do. I put my head on my wife's bosom, and the headache goes away. The next day, the man says, Did you do what I told you to? Yes, I sure did. By the way, you have a nice house!
Henny Youngman
#59. My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree.
Henny Youngman
#60. A person asked me, How do you prepare for the stage? I told her, Well, it's like this. You go to diction school. They teach you to fill your mouth with marbles and talk right through the marbles. Each day you take one marble out. When you've lost all your marbles ...
Henny Youngman
#61. My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!
Henny Youngman
#62. When I read about the dangers of drinking, I gave up reading
Henny Youngman
#64. He is the only man I ever met with a seersucker face.
Henny Youngman
#65. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!"
Henny Youngman
#66. My best friend ran away with my wife, and let me tell you, I miss him.
Henny Youngman
#67. Don't move! I want to forget you just the way you are.
Henny Youngman
#68. A little man is running a jewelry store. A man runs in saying, Okay, take my watch, put on a new band, install a new battery, clean the case, install a new crystal, and tune it up. I will be back in a half hour for it. Thanks! and runs out the door. The little jeweler says, C-C-C-Come in?
Henny Youngman
#69. I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.
Henny Youngman
#70. A woman was taking a shower. There is a knock on the door. Who is it? Blind man! The woman opens the door. Where do you want these blinds, lady?
Henny Youngman
#71. I went to the bank and reviewed my savings, I found out I have all the money I'll ever need. If I die tomorrow.
Henny Youngman
#72. When it comes to work, there are many who will stop at nothing.
Henny Youngman
#73. Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
Henny Youngman
#74. This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!
Henny Youngman
#75. A tough guy told me, "I'll bet you $10 you're dead." I was afraid to bet him.
Henny Youngman
#76. Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they are okay, you're it.
Henny Youngman
#77. This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.
Henny Youngman
#78. My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.
Henny Youngman
#79. "Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!"
Henny Youngman
#81. Have I got a mother-in-law. She's so neat she puts paper under the cuckoo clock.
Henny Youngman
#82. College: A fountain of knowledge where all go to drink.
Henny Youngman
#83. I was just in London - there is a 6 hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.
Henny Youngman
#85. Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
Henny Youngman
#86. This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.
Henny Youngman
#87. All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others.
Henny Youngman
#89. When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
Henny Youngman
#90. I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.
Henny Youngman
#91. Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did
Henny Youngman
#93. All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.
Henny Youngman
#94. My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
Henny Youngman
#95. Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"
Henny Youngman
#96. The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window!
Henny Youngman
#98. "What's the latest dope on Wall Street?" "My son!"
Henny Youngman
#99. I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn't come in until half-past five.
Henny Youngman
#100. I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads.
Henny Youngman
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