Top 58 Sexual Humor Quotes
#1. Playful," Amanda repeated, shaking her head. The idea contradicted all her long-held ideas of romance and sex. One did not "play" in bed. What did he mean?
Was he implying that sexual partners enjoyed jumping on the mattress and throwing pillows, as children did?
Lisa Kleypas
#2. Recent studies have shown that approximately 40% of authors are manic depressive. The rest of us just drink.
Melodie Campbell
#3. A man's sexual organ is penis and woman's sexual organ is brains.
DK Publishing
#4. In my experience, the romance novels written about BDSM have about as much in common with actual BDSM relationships as a child playing with a jump rope.
Nenia Campbell
#5. For crying out loud, absurd things can happen, none of us is spared." He reached out and gave her a soft pat on the back. "So screw it, lovey. Enjoy every second you've got and stop moping around." - Intomesee
Maha Erwin
#6. Dan Moldea, the lead investigator for Larry Flynt's ongoing quest to uncover sexual indiscretions of Republican congressional members, has now admitted he was hired by the law firm defending President Clinton.
Jerry Falwell
#7. Eve: "What do you want?"
Nadine: "A man of amazing sexual prowess, great sensitivity, stupendous abs, and the face of an angel. Toss in a wicked sense of humor and stupendous wealth, who adores the very ground I walk on. Oh wait, you already have him.
J.D. Robb
#8. A woman has her needs. What good is a mother to her poor children if she's suffering from low self-esteem and sexual frustration? If you don't get laid soon, you will literally close up. More importantly, you will shrivel. And you will become bitter.
Helen Fielding
#10. There was a multitude of sexual scenarios, from a
simple one-on-one couple fucking like bunnies to an
outright orgy with no less than eight people joined like
LEGOs.
Maya Banks
#11. They slipped briskly into an intimacy from which they never recovered.
F Scott Fitzgerald
#12. He dropped the joint in the dirt and ran inside. It wasn't his first, and wouldn't be his last. The joint, that is. Not the kid. He was pretty sure, at this point, that he would never have sexual relations with his wife again.
Allie Burke
#13. The sexual contact before this?
"It was the first time."
The woman looked at Rat again, harder. The silence was more painful than the words. What she had just heard went beyond plain immorality. It was ridiculous.
Graham Spaid
#14. Accidental sex. He made it sound like I fell down, and there just happened to be an erection in the way.
Laurell K. Hamilton
#15. With Mr. Montgomery, I set out to see what it would be like to write a novel in 30 days. It was hell! I'd do it again in a minute.
Nadlee Thims
#16. Rhett: Here's the problem. I am not the sexual equivalent of an espresso machine.
Rowena Cherry
#17. She blew out a sigh and focused her attention on the students in her class taking a test. There was nothing like a teenage boy cleaning his ears with the eraser of his pencil to squelch sexual desire.
Robin Alexander
#19. I wondered if full-blooded vampires had something like blue balls for their fangs if they didn't get to feed when they were expecting to. Like some kind of pseudo-sexual gingivitis.
Sierra Dean
#20. There's something weird and sexual about the way some people talk about God
have you noticed?
Frank Portman
#21. Solus walked over to the young brown-haired man and grabbed him by the front of his shirt, ignoring the look of panic he received in return. "You can call me Solus." His golden eyes trailed meaningfully down the mortal's body before he added, softly, "I've been told it's easier to scream.
Nenia Campbell
#22. [after guard dogs frozen mid-attack] 'How long are the dogs going to stay hanging there like that?' ask Yulia. 'I want to make friends with them. Otherwise, i'll be left with a latent psychological complex that's bound to affect my personality and sexual preferences.
Sergei Lukyanenko
#23. I don't see why ogling same-sex kissing should be the exclusive domain of frat boys whacking off to lesbian action, that's so sexist. Feminism should be all inclusive- it should be about sexual liberation, equal pay for equal work, and the fundamental girl right of boy2boy appreciation.
Rachel Cohn
#24. Come sit on my lap. I want to hear all about your sexual harassment lunch.
-Hank to his secretary, Rachel
Richard Russo
#25. I make love like a snake disguised as an elephant and a donkey. But I mustn't talk about sexual congress and Congress simultaneously.
Dark Jar Tin Zoo
#26. Gabrielle chuckled, her dark eyes twinkling. "So he's been after you, has he? Poor Etta, pursued by a sun priest offering to pleasure - "
"Every nook and cranny," Marietta interrupted dryly and Gabrielle tipped her head back with a throaty laugh.
Michelle O'Leary
#27. I totally bought you as a girl," says Marisol. "I'll double check with Frances later, but by the sounds of things, you seem to have no balls.
Dana Reinhardt
#28. Sexual reproduction and food -- humans' two favorite subjects.
Melissa Landers
#29. Boys," Lindsay agreed, nodding. "What doesn't get lost in translation?"
"Things with the letter X in front of them," Rachel posited. "Like X-Box. And X-rated movies.
Nenia Campbell
#30. This is so cool," I said loudly as Dad walked away. "Have you met the tattoo artist? Is he hot?" "He's a she," Mom said. "Is she hot? Cause I'm still young, you know. My sexual identity isnt fully formed." "Your father can't hear you anymore, Maya." Mom sighed.
Kelley Armstrong
#31. Strange though, I never took you for a nympho.
Eve Masters
#32. I knew it," she snapped. "You're no different from all men. You're just another jerk pretending to be single! I didn't wanna wrap a lie into a Christmas present anyway.
Maha Erwin
#33. Be strong, believe in freedom and in God, love yourself, understand your sexuality, have a sense of humor, masturbate, don't judge people by their religion, color or sexual habits, love life and your family.
Madonna Ciccone
#34. There was nothing like double chocolate chip to solve the sexual problems of women everywhere.
Maggie Casper
#35. Before I eat your bagel, we should be formally introduced, don't you think?
Alice Clayton
#36. Just for the record, the way to a man's heart isn't through his stomach, but through the best fucking blow job ever. You want a man to be your bitch? Perfect your craft.
Devon Ashley
#37. You suck, surprising no one!!!! If bad was a boot, you'd fit it!!!! You're a stupid poo-poo head! I had sexual relations with your mother! Your mother was not that good in bed! You, sir, are a wretched soul! I am rubber, you are glue!
Bryan Lee O'Malley
#38. I think we're losing our sense of humor instead of being able to relax and laugh at ourselves. I don't care whether it's ethnicity, age, sexual orientation, or whose ox is being gored.
Betty White
#40. Basing your identity on sexuality is like building a house on a foundation of pudding. - D. Travers Scott
Carol Queen
#42. They have been having sex for eighteen months now (he realizes he has to make himself stop counting, as if his sexual life is a prison term, and he is working toward its completion).
Hanya Yanagihara
#43. I believe that singing is the key to long life, a good figure, a stable temperament, increased intelligence, new friends, super self-confidence, heightened sexual attractiveness, and a better sense of humor.
Brian Eno
#44. They all think men are obsolete. useless. as if we're just some sexual appendix.
Chuck Palahniuk
#45. You know, quite a few species of fish require two or more sexual partners ...
Kristen Schaal
#46. Lately, my sexual fantasies revolved around once again having a landlord. Looks, age, and hygiene didn't matter, as long as he had a tool belt and said, Don't worry, I'll fix it.
J.A. Konrath
#47. Her lips full and inviting, she has an infectious laugh and glassy cackle in her eyes, and a 2000 volt sexual charisma that beckons me like a fluff girl on scuffed knees.
Brett Tate
#48. At the factory, I deal with ex-cons, substance abusers, and sexual harassers. And I'm not just talking about my mom.
George Lopez
#49. {Rogers} sexual aim is "to convert a creature who is cool, dry, calm, articulate, independent, purposeful into a creature who is the opposite of these: to demonstrate to an animal which is pretending not to be an animal that it is an animal.
Kingsley Amis
#50. Lovely Arra Sails,
nectar to all males,
how I'd like to spear you like a whaler spears a whale!
Darren Shan
#51. Expired condoms are like nuclear waste: there's nothing sensible you can do with it.
Andrew Smith
#52. In such societies it is common for ordinary people to seek out celibate spiritual leaders for marriage, love and sometimes sexual guidance. This strikes me as a particularly stupid kind of folly. Nobody ever asks a vegetarian for a recommendation for a steak house
Scott Andrews
#53. I wasn't giving this guy an inch. He disturbed me. I didn't like things that disturbed me, which is why I was licensed to shoot most things that disturbed me. Unfortunately, humans were not on the list and sexual attraction was not considered a valid reason to shoot someone.
Angelia Sparrow
#54. For a guy, nothing is sexier than a girl who craves his little guy and can't keep her hands off of it ... because this is exactly the way he feels about your ladyparts whether he's groping them like a savage or quietly watching TV next to you.
Roberto Hogue
#55. Eccentricities, of which I know I have
many, do not hold universal sexual and romantic lure. I understand that.
Jessica Park
#56. You know ... You're still my boss ... Which means ... This is sexual harassment ...
Oh really? I guess I'll have to fire you then.
Lexi Cubbins
#57. Men tend to lie when it comes to sexual conquests. You should hear some of the ego-driven lies my friends have told me: 'Swear to God, man - the hooker gave the money back.'
Adam Ferrara
#58. The relationship between professional and domestic cook has similarities to a sexual encounter. One party is normally more experienced than the other; and either party should have the right, at any moment, to say, No, I'm not going to do that.
Julian Barnes
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