Top 100 Rita Rudner Quotes
#1. Hands-Off Parenting Envy the kangaroo. That pouch setup is extraordinary: The baby crawls out of the womb when it is about two inches long, gets into the pouch, and proceeds to mature. I'd have a baby if it would develop in my handbag. RITA RUDNER
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#2. Oh, my God. I've just told you how old I am. Nobody knows how old I am. I'm going to have to kill you now.
Rita Rudner
#3. If your husband has difficulty getting to sleep, the words 'we need to talk about our relationship' may help.
Rita Rudner
#4. I have been doing leg lifts faithfully for about fifteen years, and the only thing that has gotten thinner is the carpet where I have been doing the leg lifts.
Rita Rudner
#5. Barbie ruined my life! It's a really bad image for women. For a long time I thought I was deformed - because my heels didn't touch the ground. I was walking around on tiptoes. What's up with that? I think that it's a bad thing for a woman to try to emulate.
Rita Rudner
#6. Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.
Rita Rudner
#7. I have no organisational skills. All my energy goes into worry - worrying takes a lot of energy.
Rita Rudner
#8. I just love dogs, and there really is no better companion than an animal.
Rita Rudner
#9. I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.
Rita Rudner
#10. Halloween was confusing. All my life my parents said, "Never take candy from strangers." And then they dressed me up and said, "Go beg for it." I didn't know what to do! I'd knock on people's doors and go, "Trick or treat." "No thank you."
Rita Rudner
#11. Men who tell you they read the Ann Summers catalogue for the articles are lying
Rita Rudner
#12. Good weather all the week, but come the weekend the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot they complain, too cold they complain, and when it's just right, they're watching TV.
Rita Rudner
#13. All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.
Rita Rudner
#14. Most men are secretly still mad at their mothers for throwing away their comic books. They would be valuable now.
Rita Rudner
#15. I have a hold limit that I've set for myself. I hold until I start to imagine myself killing the person on the other end. Then I hang up and regroup.
Rita Rudner
#16. I knew so little about money I used to sign my check, "Love, Rita."
Rita Rudner
#17. I don't panic when I get lost. I just change where I want to go.
Rita Rudner
#18. If I say a joke and the audience laughs it makes me feel good.
Rita Rudner
#19. My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.
Rita Rudner
#20. It takes six months to get into shape and two weeks to get out of shape. Once you know this you can stop being angry about other things in life and only be angry about this.
Rita Rudner
#21. Nobody is really happy with what's on their head. People with straight hair want curly, people with curly want straight, and bald people want everyone to be blind.
Rita Rudner
#23. Men who write love letters don't live in this century.
Rita Rudner
#24. I adore being hitched. It's so extraordinary to discover one unique individual you need to irritate for whatever remains of your life.
Rita Rudner
#25. My mother's mother is a very tough cookie. She buried three husbands. Two of them were just napping.
Rita Rudner
#26. All men would still really like to own a train set.
Rita Rudner
#27. The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down.
Rita Rudner
#28. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.
Rita Rudner
#29. Individuality in dressing is not important to men. If they all look alike it means they haven't made a mistake.
Rita Rudner
#30. When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.
Rita Rudner
#31. My father watched football with the sound off because he lived in fear of hearing the voice of Howard Cosell.
Rita Rudner
#32. Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man.
Rita Rudner
#33. I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
Rita Rudner
#34. Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband forgot the code to turn off the alarm. When the police came, he wouldn't admit he'd forgotten the code ... he turned himself in.
Rita Rudner
#35. I don't want to push the envelope. Let the envelope stay in the middle of the table. I'll just make you laugh.
Rita Rudner
#36. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
Rita Rudner
#37. Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed.
Rita Rudner
#38. Men will now get up and walk with the baby in the middle of the night, change its diapers, and give it a bottle, but in their heart of hearts they still think they shouldn't have to.
Rita Rudner
#39. I had teeth that stuck out so far, I used to eat other kids' candy bars by accident.
Rita Rudner
#40. Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replay in sports. They've already forgotten what's happened.
Rita Rudner
#41. I get so happy when I write a joke. It's a very satisfying, liberating feeling.
Rita Rudner
#42. I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.
Rita Rudner
#43. Blondes have more fun, don't they? They must. How many brunettes do you see walking down the street with blond roots?
Rita Rudner
#44. Waiters and waitresses are becoming nicer and much more caring. I used to pay my check, they would say "Thank you." That's now escalated into "You care care of yourself, now." The other day I paid my check and the waiter said, "Don't put off that mammogram."
Rita Rudner
#45. All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names.
Rita Rudner
#46. I was a ballerina. I had to quit after I injured a groin muscle. It wasn't mine ...
Rita Rudner
#47. Los Angeles is a very transient town. It's the only place I know where you can actually rent a dog.
Rita Rudner
#48. A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax.
Rita Rudner
#49. If you are who you are on stage, people pay attention.
Rita Rudner
#50. Wives are people who think it's against the law not to answer the phone when it rings.
Rita Rudner
#51. Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?
Rita Rudner
#52. Men don't live well by themselves. They don't even live like people. They live like bears with furniture.
Rita Rudner
#53. Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.
Rita Rudner
#54. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.
Rita Rudner
#55. My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.
Rita Rudner
#56. You know the oxygen masks on airplanes? I don't think there's really any oxygen. I think they're just to muffle the screams.
Rita Rudner
#57. If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.
Rita Rudner
#59. I don't look back. I'm like a shark - I only look forward.
Rita Rudner
#60. I hate learning through experience. Just once I'd like to learn something because someone was nice enough to tell me in advance.
Rita Rudner
#61. If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off season.
Rita Rudner
#62. Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.
Rita Rudner
#63. I just don't get cats. To me, they're a waste of fur.
Rita Rudner
#64. Husband: a man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until the day before his anniversary to buy his wife a gift.
Rita Rudner
#65. If you like easygoing, monogamous men, stay away from billionaires.
Rita Rudner
#66. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
Rita Rudner
#67. My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.
Rita Rudner
#68. At the end of every year, I add up the time that I have spent on the phone on hold and subtract it from my age. I don't count that time as really living. I spend more and more time on hold each year. By the time I die, I'm going to be quite young.
Rita Rudner
#69. I have too many credit cards. You know what happened? Someone stole one and I didn't notice. I noticed when I got that bill. Whoa! It was so much less! I'm letting him keep it. I'm saving money!
Rita Rudner
#70. Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.
Rita Rudner
#71. I'll never understand why people go to movie theaters to have conversations. Going to the movies to talk is like going to a restaurant to cook. The idea is that you have paid your money to have someone do something better than you can do it yourself.
Rita Rudner
#72. I loved my mother very much, but she was not a good cook. Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother's tasted better the day before. In our house Thanksgiving was a time for sorrow.
Rita Rudner
#73. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.
Rita Rudner
#74. I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.
Rita Rudner
#75. In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
Rita Rudner
#76. Natural childbirth scares me. I think before you have natural childbirth you should find out how big the baby is. Three pounds
natural childbirth. Anything over three pounds
heroin.
Rita Rudner
#77. Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Rita Rudner
#78. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo.
Rita Rudner
#79. I'm a very simple person. I'm very shallow. Shallow, simple, easily pleased: that's me.
Rita Rudner
#80. I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.
Rita Rudner
#81. While I do occasionally order items on the Internet, it's hard to teach an old shopper new tricks. I'm convinced that the catalogue will eventually disappear, but not until the last baby boomers have kicked off their smelly Nikes and been buried in mulch.
Rita Rudner
#82. When men break up they want to remain friends. Why? Why can't they just get lost?
Rita Rudner
#83. I don't do Jewish stuff because I don't want people to be left out. If I mention the Torah in Alabama, it's not going to go down that well. I used to do some Jewish jokes because when I started, I used to play lots of Jewish country clubs.
Rita Rudner
#84. The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him.
Rita Rudner
#85. Thirty, I really like you but I still have to see other people.
Rita Rudner
#86. Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.
Rita Rudner
#87. The closest I ever came to a menage-a-trois was when I dated a schizophrenic.
Rita Rudner
#88. Men do cry, but only when assembling furniture.
Rita Rudner
#89. My new dress. Do you like it? It's from my favorite designer, On Sale.
Rita Rudner
#90. They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one.
Rita Rudner
#91. Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.
Rita Rudner
#92. Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.
Rita Rudner
#93. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. They don't understand them, and they don't want to get near them. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
Rita Rudner
#94. When I met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always
Rita Rudner
#95. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
Rita Rudner
#96. Commitment is different in males and females. In females it is a desire to get married and raise a family. In males it means not picking up other women while out with one's girlfriend.
Rita Rudner
#97. My father was never very friendly. When I was growing up, I thought the doorbell ringing was a signal to pretend you weren't home.
Rita Rudner
#98. Human nature is largely something that has to be overcome.
Rita Rudner
#99. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
Rita Rudner
#100. Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of the women they're married to.
Rita Rudner
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