Top 43 Greg Fitzsimmons Quotes
#1. We are now able to create virtual realities on computers. Are we all living in one created by someone in the future?
Greg Fitzsimmons
#2. Driving around with a receding hairline and two kids in a Prius feels a bit boring for me.
Greg Fitzsimmons
#3. My father told me when I first started that standup is exciting and I should pursue it, but that writing would be the thing that would give me power over my career. I never have to take a road gig or a writing gig I don't want because I always have the ability to play one against the other.
Greg Fitzsimmons
#4. I enjoy writing the same way I enjoy doing standup. Part of the challenge is being creative and making it work no matter what the constraints.
Greg Fitzsimmons
#5. If you want to find guys with small penises, go to the Hummer dealership.
Greg Fitzsimmons
#6. The best drunks are the ones who only hang out with other drunks in places we all know are filled with drunks.
Greg Fitzsimmons
#7. Lieutenant Governor Paterson - blind, black guy - gets sworn in. First thing he says is, 'By the way, cheated on my wife. Let's just get that out in the open right now.' He didn't need to admit that. He's blind. Could have said it was an accident.
Greg Fitzsimmons
#8. I never know what I'm going to say as I walk up to the microphone. I try to be in the moment. I try to go deeper into myself. I discover things on stage that I don't discover off stage about me.
Greg Fitzsimmons
#9. Don't be like me. Look at me: monogamous, in shape, no debt, sober ... I'm dead inside.
Greg Fitzsimmons
#10. When I work in San Francisco doing stand-up, I usually schedule it for July, and we'll drive up the coast and camp in Santa Barbara, San Luis Obispo, Big Sur, and we'll just camp our way up the coast, and then we'll get to San Francisco and hang out there for four days.
Greg Fitzsimmons
#11. The most interesting hipsters are ones who stop being hipsters.
Greg Fitzsimmons
#12. If we don't have souls then who am I talking to when I keep telling myself to be good?
Greg Fitzsimmons
#13. I feel like I am too old to eat jelly. But I am too young to eat prunes. I am between grapes.
Greg Fitzsimmons
#14. I don't like to change things too much. I think pretty hard about things before I jump in, and once I do, I feel, 'All right, I don't want to waste the energy of buying, selling this, going on Consumer Reports, test driving, buying, selling a house.' I feel life is to be lived.
Greg Fitzsimmons
#15. My kids teased me at dinner that I'm not cool. I told them if I was cool I wouldn't be sitting at home with my kids. Pass the gravy.
Greg Fitzsimmons
#16. The compulsion to do the opposite of what you are told does not lend itself to many occupations outside the entertainment industry. Within the industry, it is unlikely that you will be very successful without it.
Greg Fitzsimmons
#17. I feel life is to be lived. You want to spend your time doing things and being with friends and all that.
Greg Fitzsimmons
#18. It's an amazingly consistent thing with Irish people. We will talk to strangers at parties for hours. It's what we were bred to do I think. And the Jewish people were bred to write the stuff that we say.
Greg Fitzsimmons
#19. Rescuing dogs is looked upon as a noble, trendy pursuit. But wouldn't rescuing a man from a homeless shelter be, in fact, more humane?
Greg Fitzsimmons
#20. I've finally been able to trust and have intimacy with somebody, which I've never been able to do. Like a lot of guys, I just have a hard time getting that connected. I can actually sleep with her in my arms - spoons position, right? Women smile, they love the spoons. Men would rather fork.
Greg Fitzsimmons
#21. When I was in college, I would go out, and I would go to these open mic nights at Stitches and Nick's Comedy Stop, so I was going to classes during the day, and then at night, I would be signing up on the lists.
Greg Fitzsimmons
#22. Growing up with Bronx Irish parents during an era of protests against the status quo, I was especially committed to doing the opposite of what I was told to do. Forty-four years later, I am left with only one means of making a living: comedy.
Greg Fitzsimmons
#23. I'm kinda stuck in that awkward in-between stage where my hair is just starting to fall out, but I'm still maintaining my youthful acne.
Greg Fitzsimmons
#24. Somebody stole my identity. Good luck using it without the medications.
Greg Fitzsimmons
#25. There's so many ways to do stand up, and I think, for awhile, people weren't really maximizing the freedom of it. We were all kind of doing a similar kind of stand up, and I started to see some original voices come out of Boston.
Greg Fitzsimmons
#26. I'm sure people are shocked when they see a guy speeding and cutting them off and having road rage while in a Prius.
Greg Fitzsimmons
#27. They just tested the tap water in Los Angeles and they found traces of estrogen and antidepressants in the tap water. So it's nice to know my son's going to grow up and have huge breasts but it's not going to bother him that much.
Greg Fitzsimmons
#29. I was just in Las Vegas, where prostitution is legal. Which is a relief because I live in Los Angeles, where it is mandatory.
Greg Fitzsimmons
#30. Taking down the Christmas tree makes it feel official: time to get back to joyless and cynical.
Greg Fitzsimmons
#31. When a banana gets rotten people love to tell you that you can make banana bread out of it. I have never seen anyone actually do it.
Greg Fitzsimmons
#32. What is most difficult is when the large part of me that is a narcissist grows weary and is overtaken by the self-loathing part that always lurks in the shadows waiting for an opportunity to shine.
Greg Fitzsimmons
#33. They say men have a sexual thought every 20 seconds. The other 19 are shame.
Greg Fitzsimmons
#34. My dad was in radio; he was a broadcaster, and it was in the family. He hosted kind of a game show at one point on TV; he was the original host of 'Good Day New York,' and he hosted the Jerry Lewis telethon for 15 years.
Greg Fitzsimmons
#35. That is the thing about being a writer; your subject matter may not stay your subject matter if you break their trust by revealing personal and editorialized information about them.
Greg Fitzsimmons
#36. They say no one knows if we all see red the same way. Except traffic cops.
Greg Fitzsimmons
#37. The most interesting nerds are the ones who take offense to being called nerds.
Greg Fitzsimmons
#38. I love when problems have simple solutions. Cold medicine. Umbrellas. Condoms. Tax incentives & subsidies attracting favored industries.
Greg Fitzsimmons
#39. I knew that drinking and doing stand-up was going to make me less of an effective comedian. And I just had a lot invested in wanting to be a really good comedian and so I stopped for that reason.
Greg Fitzsimmons
#40. If you want to stop two people from having sex, let them get married.
Greg Fitzsimmons
#41. Same thing every year, getting up at the crack of dawn, drinking, fighting, throwing up, pissing on walls and then you leave the house and things get bad.
Greg Fitzsimmons
#42. Iowa's the worst. Iowa's just nothing, just flat as far as you can see. It's the only state in the country where you can stand on your front porch and actually watch your dog run away for three days.
Greg Fitzsimmons
#43. I have to stop watching the Olympics. It just reminds me that I forgot to try really hard at something.
Greg Fitzsimmons
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