Top 100 Quotes About Jon Stewart
#1. I really think [the Bush Administration]'s foreign policy agenda is to spread irony through the world.
Jon Stewart
#2. I've always run by the hierarchy of 'If not funny, interesting. If not interesting, hot. If not hot, bizarre. If not bizarre, break something.
Jon Stewart
#3. I'm a little bit too obsessed with the news. I find the news easier to follow than narrative entertainment programs.
Jon Stewart
#4. You can use your idealism to further your aims, if you realize that nothing is Nirvana, nothing is perfect.
Jon Stewart
#5. When you think about it, Alaska is also near the North Pole, so she must also be friends with Santa.
Jon Stewart
#6. If we amplify everything, we hear nothing.
Jon Stewart
#7. Pigmentation was a quick and convenient way of judging a person. One of us, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., once proposed we instead judge people by the content of their character. He was shot.
Jon Stewart
#8. Our show is obviously at a disadvantage with any of the other news shows we're competing against. For one thing, we are fake. They are not. So in terms of credibility, we are ... well, oddly enough we're about even.
Jon Stewart
#9. Usually when Obama says, 'Let me be clear,' he's about to get into some very unclear sh*t.
Jon Stewart
#10. Everyone just needs to get over themselves.
Jon Stewart
#11. Happy Valentine's Day! And if this is news to you, my guess is you're probably alone. Valentine's Day is often times a, well, it's a manufactured day that really doesn't mean anything.
Jon Stewart
#12. You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn't that long ago that we were swept away by the Macarena.
Jon Stewart
#13. I like Jon Stewart. He's not as obnoxious as Dennis Miller, whom I really can't stand.
Tom Lehrer
#14. Campaigns and elections are the process in which democracy separates the willing from the able, and goes with the willing.
Jon Stewart
#15. In South Carolina, Senator John Edwards won handily, fulfilling his promise to win every state he was born in.
Jon Stewart
#16. [President Bush] recently challenged Iraqi soldiers still fighting U.S. troops like so: ... 'My answer is bring 'em on.' For those of you who may be criticizing Bush for acting like a movie cowboy, let me remind you. He's actually acting more like a movie cheerleader.
Jon Stewart
#18. As a comedian, as a person, as a citizen, as a mammal - in all of those areas, I am looking forward to the end of the Bush administration with every fiber of my being.
Jon Stewart
#19. If comedy is tragedy plus time, I need more fucking time. But I would really settle for less fucking tragedy." ~ Jon Stewart
Chris Smith
#20. It didn't seem fair to me that Jon Stewart's rally didn't get the same kind of attention that Glenn Beck's did. Why was Beck's seen as checking the thermometer of the country, and Jon Stewart just dismissed as a satirist?
David Sedaris
#21. I masturbate. A lot. And yet, I don't floss because it's too much of a hassle. Ten seconds of joy over a lifetime of tooth decay, that's what I've chosen.
Jon Stewart
#22. Does anyone know ... does the Christian persecution complex have an expiration date? Because ... uh ... you've all been in charge pretty much since ... uh ... what was that guys name ... Constantine. He converted in, what was it, 312 A.D. I'm just saying, enjoy your success.
Jon Stewart
#23. Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.
Jon Stewart
#24. Al-Qaeda's resurgence brings out the worst in the Bush Administration's math and logic.
Jon Stewart
#25. It's nice to know that [God] can destroy us in a myriad of ways.
Jon Stewart
#26. After going to war against the U.N.'s expressed wishes, the U.S. is now admitting it needs the U.N.'s help. It's the geopolitical equivalent of the 2 a.m. phone call ever parent dreads: 'Mom, I'm not saying I wrecked the car, but I need a ride home.'
Jon Stewart
#27. The best defence against bullshit is vigilance. So if you smell something, say something.
Jon Stewart
#28. Everyone knows if a Republican comes out of the closet and sees a gay shadow, it means six more years of a Democratic administration.
Jon Stewart
#29. Here's what I realized about the yam - it's the same colour as a Nerf ball. You may be wondering: 'Is he saying he ate a Nerf ball?' ...
Jon Stewart
#30. We look at, the absurdity of the system provides us the most material. And that is best served by sort of the theater of it all, you know, which, by the way, thank you both, because it's been helpful.
Jon Stewart
#31. Yes! We finally captured Martha Stewart. You know, with all the massive and almost completely unpunished fraud perpetrated on the public by companies like Enron, Global Crossing, and Tyco we finally got the ring leader. Maybe now we can lower the nation's terror alert to periwinkle.
Jon Stewart
#32. Oh my god ... Kerry is boring even when Bush is reading him.
Jon Stewart
#33. A guy who says what people who aren't thinking are thinking.
Jon Stewart
#34. Capote, of course, addressed very similar themes to Good Night and Good Luck. Both films are about determined journalists defying obstacles in a relentless pursuit of the truth. Needless to say, both are period pieces.
Jon Stewart
#35. Wow, the entire network of anchors has been hired to be the press secretary.
Jon Stewart
#36. Jon Stewart kills me. I love him. And Bill Maher. He does an hour on HBO. But entirely political. It is awfully rough, but he does make me laugh.
Dick Van Dyke
#37. Jon Stewart is exactly the same guy he's always been, only with money. He knows that the moment he really believes he's important, the funny goes away and he becomes Bill O'Reilly, except shorter and Jewish.
Denis Leary
#38. I'm not going to censor myself to comfort your ignorance
Jon Stewart
#39. I have to tell you I enjoy Jon Stewart. That's the truth. I actually think he's very funny. I've paid to see him do his stand-up routine.
Megyn Kelly
#40. Here's how bizarre the war is that we're in in Iraq, and we should have known this right from the get-go: When we first went into Iraq, Germany didn't want to go. Germany. The Michael Jordan of war took a pass.
Jon Stewart
#41. What I like to do is come in, write the entire program and treat my staff to hot stone massages.
Jon Stewart
#42. Some people look at a glass and see it as half-full. Others look at a glass and call it a dragon.
Jon Stewart
#43. It is hard to get mad at Donald Trump for saying stupid things, in the same way you don't get mad at a monkey when he throws poop at you at the zoo ... What does get me angry is the ridiculous, disingenuous defending of the poop-throwing monkey.
Jon Stewart
#44. Classroom Activities
1. Using felt and yarn, make a hand puppet of Clarence Thomas. Ta-da! You're Antonin Scalia!
Jon Stewart
#45. Remember that guy who got gored by a bull and the bull pulled his underwear off and he had to run around the ring naked? If that footage comes out, I'll run that.
Jon Stewart
#46. Well, I'm sold. I'll take one America.
Jon Stewart
#47. You know if I had nickel for every time Bush has mentioned 9/11, I could raise enough reward money to go after Bin Laden.
Jon Stewart
#48. High school. You know, people say, 'I'll never do so-and-so again' - then they do it. So what? Sometimes somebody has crack, and you're looking to stay awake.
Jon Stewart
#49. If you don't stick to your values when they're being tested, they're not values: they're hobbies.
Jon Stewart
#50. If you're going to give people 20 minutes of news satire, you've also got to give them Tiffani-Amber Thiessen or you're going to have rioting in the streets.
Jon Stewart
#51. [Hugh Jackman is] an Adamantium-laced Fred Astaire.
Jon Stewart
#52. Apparently the only time the press gets it right is when the White House illegally leaks it to them.
Jon Stewart
#53. Sometimes it's hard to face your own ... life.
Jon Stewart
#54. As long as I don't end up hosting a skin care commercial with Cher, I'm happy.
Jon Stewart
#55. We could overcome the baser aspects of our nature ... and give this planet the kind of caretakers it deserves.
Jon Stewart
#56. When did fact checking and journalism go their separate ways?
Jon Stewart
#57. It's not that the Democrats are playing checkers and the Republicans are playing chess. It's that the Republicans are playing chess and the Democrats are in the nurse's office because once again they glued their balls to their thighs.
Jon Stewart
#58. Do you know what writing a book is? It's sitting alone in a room for weeks without making contact with another human. I felt like Howard Hughes.
Jon Stewart
#59. I wonder who really is the change candidate? It can't be both of them [Hillary Clinton & Barak Obama]. What would be a black man and a woman - how could that be different than the 43 other Presidents we've had?
Jon Stewart
#60. What's it called when a hellhole hits a cataclysm? A catastro[phrack]. I just coined that, didn't I?
Jon Stewart
#61. If you try to hit a grand slam, you're going to strike out.
Jon Stewart
#62. Julie Christie was absolutely amazing in Away From Her. Brilliant movie. It was the moving story of a woman who forgets her own husband. Hillary Clinton calls it the feel good movie of the year.
Jon Stewart
#63. The United States Central Command of the Armed Forces has asked Geraldo Rivera to leave Iraq. It should also be noted that the only three other people that the U.S. military has asked to leave Iraq are Saddam Hussein and his two sons.
Jon Stewart
#64. Democrats do have a historic race going. Hillary Clinton vs. Barack Obama. Normally, when you see a black man or a woman president an asteroid is about to hit the Statue of Liberty.
Jon Stewart
#65. If we are going to amend the constitution, shouldn't it be to keep the omos-hay from arrying-may?
Jon Stewart
#66. Get a sense of humor. If you don't, it'll be incredibly frustrating.
Jon Stewart
#67. What are you so mad about? That we still have a government? We still have "traffic lights." We're sorry. The government's not perfect, but some people wish it was better, not gone.
Jon Stewart
#68. You need to take a long, hard look in the mirror and not come away thinking, "Hey, there's something wrong with this mirror."
Jon Stewart
#69. Christmas and the New Year are actually two holidays. So there is a plural, which in the English language, necessitates the use of 's.' I suppose you could say 'Merry Christmas' and 'Happy New Year,' but you probably have sh*t to do.
Jon Stewart
#70. The government that governs best, governs best!
Jon Stewart
#71. We don't consider ourselves equal opportunity anythings, because that's not - you know, that's the beauty of fake journalism. We don't have to - we travel in fake ethics.
Jon Stewart
#72. When the court that handpicked you to be president tells you you've overstepped your bounds, you've overstepped your bounds.
Jon Stewart
#73. I have some bad news. Bjork cannot be here tonight. She was trying on her Oscar dress and Dick Cheney shot her.
Jon Stewart
#74. The press is our immune system. If it overreacts to everything, we eventually get sicker.
Jon Stewart
#75. Welcome to The Daily Show, I'm John Oliver. Jon Stewart is still not here. He is currently living out a live-action Lord of the Rings role-playing experience deep in the New Zealand wilderness.
John Oliver
#76. We must, together as a nation, stop watching Fox.
Jon Stewart
#77. I don't think marijuana should be illegal.
Jon Stewart
#78. President Bush announced we're going to Mars, which means he's given up on Earth.
Jon Stewart
#79. I get most of my news from the Jon Stewart Daily Show. It's the most level commentary you can find. You have to laugh, because it's all so true. It's the closest thing to a counterculture.
John Mayall
#80. President Bush delivered his first State of the Union address, riding high on an 82-percent approval rating, and with Attorney General John Ashcroft dispatching agents to interview the other 18 percent.
Jon Stewart
#81. My favorite off-camera memory of Jon Stewart is watching him jump from the second level of a tuna tower into the waters off Grand Cayman.
Stephen Colbert
#82. If you don't get it right with your first family, you can always do it again with another.
Jon Stewart
#83. It's harder to eat meat when you know the animal's name ... I have found.
Jon Stewart
#84. I wonder how Jon Stewart is doing right now. I just ... I hope he's happy.
Haley Webb
#85. It's not really a good sign when your audience applauds Satan.
Jon Stewart
#86. The only time a politico will try to avoid playing the blame game is when they or theirs are to blame.
Jon Stewart
#87. In whose delusional mind is democracy made better by letting wealthier people control more of it?
Jon Stewart
#88. We all know what happens to celebrities when their time is up - rehab and then a stint on VH1.
Jon Stewart
#89. I've said yes to everything that Jon Stewart has asked me to do. That's been a pretty good career decision, I think.
John Oliver
#90. Yes, it seems that as the President (George W. Bush) comes to the end of his two terms, he's finally realized the best way to get things done for you, is for you to do it.
Jon Stewart
#91. People, if you can't get through the puns, I can't give you the good stuff.
Jon Stewart
#92. I still do not understand how a corporation can have person-hood if it has no soul and never dies.
Jon Stewart
#93. Here in the U.S., we've made democracy into a science. A cold, impersonal science.
Jon Stewart
#94. I thinking gay and straight people use the same putters, it's not a matter of putters but a matter of hole selection.
Jon Stewart
#95. I have such a lowered bar of expectation, and they managed to crawl underneath it.
~ Jon Stewart
Chris Smith
#96. The Oscars is the one night of the year when you can see all your favorite stars without having to donate any money to the Democratic Party
Jon Stewart
#97. Despite his infirmities, Strom Thurmond showed up to work every day and did not miss a Senate vote in his final year, though no one is sure if a shouted 'Bingo!' counted as a yea or a nay.
Jon Stewart
#98. Why can't they have gay people in the army? Personally, I think they are just afraid of a thousand guys with M16s going, "Who'd you call a faggot?"
Jon Stewart
#99. This show is our own personal beliefs.
Jon Stewart
#100. Being funny in life is a lot more like judo. It's using the energy ...
Jon Stewart
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