Top 100 Mitch Hedberg Quotes
#1. Every comic went through their Mitch Hedberg phase - the glasses, the hair in the face - and you knew immediately when they were doing it.
Anthony Jeselnik
#2. I loved Stephen Wright, and I loved Mitch Hedberg, but they seemed like geniuses you could never emulate. You'd just be ripping them off.
Anthony Jeselnik
#3. Rice is great when you're hungry and you want two thousand of something." - Mitch Hedberg
Holden Blunts
#4. I got a business card because I wanna win some lunches. That's what my business card says: Mitch Hedberg, Potential Lunch Winner. Gimme a call, maybe we'll have lunch. If I'm lucky!
Mitch Hedberg
#5. P.S. - This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.
Mitch Hedberg
#6. Imagine if the headless horseman had a headless horse. That would be chaos. I would think that if you were the headless horseman's horse, you would be very confused. "I don't think this dude can see."
Mitch Hedberg
#7. I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
Mitch Hedberg
#8. I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
Mitch Hedberg
#9. My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light a bunch of koala bears scatter. But I don't want 'em to, you know, I'm like "Hey, hold on, fellas. Let me hold one of you. And feed you a leaf."
Mitch Hedberg
#10. If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, "Hey - maybe a killer is after you!"
Mitch Hedberg
#11. People on the 14th floor, you know what floor you're really on.
Mitch Hedberg
#12. Look at the limes in this drink, how they float. That's good news. Next time I'm on a boat, and it capsizes, I will reach for a lime. I'm saved by the buoyancy of citrus.
Mitch Hedberg
#13. I don't know how to fix a car. If the car breaks down, and the gas tank does not say "E", I'm screwed. But if the gas tank says "E", I get all cocky - "I've got this one, don't worry." So I get out the toolbox AKA wallet.
Mitch Hedberg
#15. A friend said to me, "I think the weather is trippy." I said, "No, man, it's not the weather that's trippy, perhaps it's the way we perceive it." And then I realized I just should have said, "Yeah."
Mitch Hedberg
#16. Alcoholism is the only disease that you can get yelled at for having.
Mitch Hedberg
#17. I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.
Mitch Hedberg
#18. Swiss Cheese is a rip-off It's the only cheese I can bite into and miss
Mitch Hedberg
#19. I hate sandwiches at New York delis. Too much meat on the sandwich. It's like a cow with a cracker on either side. "Would you like anything else with the pastrami sandwich?" "Yeah, a loaf of bread and some other people!"
Mitch Hedberg
#20. I've always wanted to have a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist. That's not a full joke there! It's filler.
Mitch Hedberg
#21. I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It'd have to be real big.
Mitch Hedberg
#22. I like Kinko's, because they're open 24 hours. If it's 5 am and I decide I need two of something, I'm covered! Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, and then I think, "Oh, yeah. Kinko's. No problem. That will not remain singular."
Mitch Hedberg
#23. I ate one anchovy, and that is why I did not eat two anchovies.
Mitch Hedberg
#24. I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
Mitch Hedberg
#25. I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I will drop it so that is achieves its maximum flavor potential.
Mitch Hedberg
#26. I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
Mitch Hedberg
#28. There's a guy in the audience with a distinctive laugh. I hope that guy is miked. The only problem with having a distinctive laugh is I know exactly when that guy isn't laughing. "Oh, distinctive laugh doesn't think that joke was funny!"
Mitch Hedberg
#29. When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn't get out, something is seriously wrong.
Mitch Hedberg
#30. I can't eat spaghetti. There's too many of them.
Mitch Hedberg
#31. I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
Mitch Hedberg
#32. One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.
Mitch Hedberg
#33. If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
Mitch Hedberg
#34. Mitch", but then reattach it and call it "Mitch-all-together.
Mitch Hedberg
#36. Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
Mitch Hedberg
#37. I tried to freshen up a room, so I held a Certs in front of a fan.
Mitch Hedberg
#38. They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime. I tried to make it at home. There's more to it than that.
Mitch Hedberg
#39. I had my palm read. I wrote something on it first to see if she would read that too.
Mitch Hedberg
#40. I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.
Mitch Hedberg
#41. XM radio doesn't have commercials, so after about thirty minutes of listening to it, I'm like, "What should I buy?"
Mitch Hedberg
#42. I like it when you reach into a vending machine to grab your candy bar, and that flap goes up to block you from reaching up? That's a good invention. Before that, it was hard times for the vending machine owners. "Yeah, what candy bar are you getting?" "That one, and every one on the bottom row!"
Mitch Hedberg
#43. I like cottage cheese. That's why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.
Mitch Hedberg
#44. I'm sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It's time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now On is.
Mitch Hedberg
#45. I get the Reese's candy bar. You look at that, there's an apostrophe-s there. That means the candy bar is his. I didn't know that. Next time you're eating a Reese's candy bar, and a guy named Reese comes by and says, "Gimme that", you better hand it over.
Mitch Hedberg
#46. If you find yourself lost in the woods, build a house. "Well, I was lost, but now I live here!"
Mitch Hedberg
#47. I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I'm not even white. I'm off-white. It's a new race; we will prevail!
Mitch Hedberg
#48. Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.
Mitch Hedberg
#49. My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?
Mitch Hedberg
#50. I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.
Mitch Hedberg
#51. I was booked into the Riviera Hotel in Las Vegas with three other comedians. We all were using the Riviera in-house shampoo, so we all had equal shine and bounce.
Mitch Hedberg
#52. Foosball screwed up my perception of soccer. I though you had to kick the ball and then spin around and around. I can't do a back flip, much less several simultaneously with two other guys.
Mitch Hedberg
#53. Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
Mitch Hedberg
#55. I had a bag of Fritos, they were Texas grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. They remind me of summer, when we used to fire up the barbeque and throw down some Fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on. Better flip that Frito, dad, you know how I like it.
Mitch Hedberg
#56. Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
Mitch Hedberg
#57. I like when they say a movie is inspired by a true story. That's kind of silly. "Hey, Mitch, did you hear that story about that lady who drove her car into the lake with her kids and they all drowned?" "Yeah, I did, and you know what - that inspires me to write a movie about a gorilla!"
Mitch Hedberg
#58. I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.
Mitch Hedberg
#59. This shirt is dry clean only. Which means ... it's dirty.
Mitch Hedberg
#60. No, I was just good at holding ice cream cones.
Mitch Hedberg
#61. If you boat a lot, you're known as a boating enthusiast. I like to boat, but I just don't want to ever be referred to as a 'boating enthusiast'. I hope they call me 'a guy who likes to boat'.
Mitch Hedberg
#62. I got two stools, in case I want to sit down and sit down again on something else.
Mitch Hedberg
#63. The Kit Kat candy bar has the name Kit Kat imprinted into the chocolate. That robs you of chocolate! That's a clever chocolate-saving technique.
Mitch Hedberg
#64. I've never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.
Mitch Hedberg
#65. When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
Mitch Hedberg
#66. People think I'm into sports because I'm a man. But I'm not into sports. I like Gatorade, but that's about as far as it goes. By the way, you don't have to be sweaty and play basketball to enjoy Gatorade. You can just be a thirsty dude. Gatorade forgets about this demographic!
Mitch Hedberg
#67. It's hard to dance if you just lost your wallet. Whoa Where's my wallet But, hey this song is funky ...
Mitch Hedberg
#69. Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. "Tom's gone!" "Is he a magician?" "No." "Then let's print up some flyers!"
Mitch Hedberg
#70. I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
Mitch Hedberg
#71. People who smoke cigarettes, they say "You don't know how hard it is to quit smoking." Yes I do. It's as hard as it is to start flossing.
Mitch Hedberg
#72. My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so ... yeah.'
Mitch Hedberg
#73. I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
Mitch Hedberg
#74. This one commercial said, "Forget everything you know about slipcovers." So I did, and it was a load off of my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell slipcovers, but I didn't know what they were!
Mitch Hedberg
#75. I have a few cavities. I don't like to call them cavities, though - I like to call them 'places to put stuff'. 'Do you know where I can store a pea' 'Yes, I have some locations available.'
Mitch Hedberg
#76. I got a smoke alarm at home, but really it's more like a 9-volt-battery-slowly-drainer.
Mitch Hedberg
#78. If Spiderman was real, and I was a criminal, and he shot me with his web, I would say, "Dude, thanks for the hammock."
Mitch Hedberg
#79. An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an 'Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign,' just 'Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
Mitch Hedberg
#80. I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.
Mitch Hedberg
#81. When I was on acid, I would see things like beams of light and I would hear sounds that sounded an awful lot like car horns.
Mitch Hedberg
#83. I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.
Mitch Hedberg
#84. I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
Mitch Hedberg
#85. I didn't go to college, but if I did, I would've taken all my tests at a restaurant, 'cause 'The customer is always right.'
Mitch Hedberg
#86. I met the girl who works at the Doubletree front desk, she gave me her number. It's ZERO. I tried to call from here, some other woman answered. "You sound older!"
Mitch Hedberg
#87. I got some tartar-control toothpaste a while back. I've still got tartar, but it's under control.
Mitch Hedberg
#88. I like it when people come to see me again, but you end up playing to that person only. You know there's other people out there, but you also know that the person who came to see you again is there. You're like, "I hope he's happy again."
Mitch Hedberg
#89. I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run, he's fuzzy, get out of here.
Mitch Hedberg
#90. I have some speakers up here, thank God, because last night I didn't have them and I was telling jokes and I had no idea which joke I was telling. So I told jokes twice. I even told that one twice.
Mitch Hedberg
#91. I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.
Mitch Hedberg
#92. I'm a mumbler. If I'm walking with a friend, and I say something, he says, "What?" So I say it again, and he says, "What?" Really, it's just some insignificant stuff I'm saying, but now I'm yelling, "That tree is far away!"
Mitch Hedberg
#93. I had to take a physical to do this show. They had a lot of weird questions like, "Have you ever tried sugar or PCP?"
Mitch Hedberg
#94. One time a guy handed me a picture. He said, 'Here's a picture of me when I was younger.' Every picture is of you when you were younger. 'Here's a picture of me when I'm older.' 'You son of bit, how'd you pull that off Let me see that camera. What's it look like'
Mitch Hedberg
#95. So, I sit at the hotel at night and I think of something that's funny. Or, If the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of wasn't funny.
Mitch Hedberg
#96. I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.
Mitch Hedberg
#97. I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.
Mitch Hedberg
#98. I saw on HBO they were advertising a boxing match "It's a fight to the finish". That's a good place to end.
Mitch Hedberg
#99. I bought a house, it's a two bedroom house, but I think it's up to me to decide how many bedrooms there are. This bedroom has an oven in it. This bedroom has a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom is over in that other guy's house.
Mitch Hedberg
#100. I love my fed-ex guy cause he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it ... and he's always on time.
Mitch Hedberg
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