Top 100 Lewis Black Sayings
#1. If I had the gift of Jerry Seinfeld, of Bill Cosby, of Lewis Black, these instinctively brilliant comic minds, then you go that route! But you gotta know your limitations. I'm more of an actor, more of a process guy. I did Tom Snyder, just as Danny Aykroyd did on 'SNL.' I did it in the club.
Joe Piscopo
#2. I'll cough up the bitter truth right now, at the risk of losing my Feminism Club Decoder Ring: I didn't go see 'Inside Out' for Amy Poehler, though she's terrific. I went to see my dark prince, Lewis Black.
MaryJanice Davidson
#4. I feel the need to scream, and even if the scream is not answered, I find my sanity in the echo.
Lewis Black
#5. I've always been a social network retard, even before there was a social network. People would say, "You want to go to this party and do some networking?"
Lewis Black
#6. Lynching's legacy, though, is also evident today in law enforcement's freedom from accountability in the shooting of black and other youth of color, thus displaying a de facto, and often actual, legalization of white supremacist killing of black life.
Mark Lewis Taylor
#7. If we're not going to tax the rich anymore, we're going to create class warfare.
Lewis Black
#8. I would like to play Pebble Beach at some point. I keep waiting for them to call and ask me to that little pro-am thing, but I'm not big enough.
Lewis Black
#9. You know what would help the instruction form? Verbs! Verbs would be nice! Because they help you get to the end of a thought!
Lewis Black
#10. Johnny Vassilaros is the man who has created the finest cup of coffee ever served in the city of New York.
Lewis Black
#11. Looking into it a bit, Jamie found that the model used by Wall Street to price LEAPs, the Black-Scholes option pricing model, made some strange assumptions.
Michael Lewis
#12. Glenn Beck is offended! Glenn Beck thinks playing the Nazi card is going too far. Glenn Beck. this is a guy who uses more Swastika props and video of the Nuremberg rallies than the History Channel.
Lewis Black
#13. What is the difference between a Democrat and a Republican? A Democrat blows, a Republican sucks.
Lewis Black
#14. I'm not a big birthday guy; I never have been.
Lewis Black
#15. FEMA I always thought was a bone here in your ass.
Lewis Black
#16. See ... What I felt they should have done, for our first public works project, is build a giant wall ... across the entire border of Canada. Because that's where the cold air comes from.
Lewis Black
#17. How our government works ... it doesn't.
Lewis Black
#19. There should be a law that you can't shut down the government - that you don't have that power.
Lewis Black
#20. Elected officials shouldn't get to choose who gets to choose elected officials.
Lewis Black
#21. The Democrats have responded to the Republicans' lack of dealing with reality by truly not dealing with reality, either.
Lewis Black
#22. I do the same gig. I might change it a little; I might slow it down if I'm in the South. I talk fast, and they're not used to people talking that fast.
Lewis Black
#23. On the plane was a Time magazine and there was a 30 page article on diabetes, and I read every page. By the time that plane landed, I had diabetes.
Lewis Black
#24. Janeane Garofalo ended up, in a sense, being pushed by the media into becoming a pundit.
Lewis Black
#25. I have N'Sync and Aerosmith and Britney Spears. I have a trifecta from hell.
Lewis Black
#26. These ballot initiatives remind us that America is the land where people are free to dream whatever they want, so long as that dream doesn't make Midwesterners feel icky!
Lewis Black
#27. I like indoor Christmas trees. And I like people who decorate their homes with lights and all that crap. I think it's a healthy outlet for them. If they weren't covering their lawns with twinkling lights, they'd be doing something that was really, really creepy.
Lewis Black
#28. Democrats are like a big tortoise that's on its back and can't get up; you can't make jokes about that.
Lewis Black
#29. Stupid presidents, smart presidents, white presidents, black presidents
doesn't work! What this country needs is a crazy Third World dictator. And Donald Trump has what it takes to be that. He's already got a plane with his name on it, solid gold buildings, a harem ...
Lewis Black
#30. The longer-term the option, the sillier the results generated by the Black-Scholes option pricing model, and the greater the opportunity for people who didn't use it.
Michael Lewis
#31. Democrats are dumb and Republicans are stupid, but the difference between dumb and stupid is dumb isn't funny. Dumb is when you say something and the whole room goes, 'What did he say?'
Lewis Black
#32. When it comes to idiots, America's got more than its fair share. If idiots were energy, it would be a source that would never run out.
Lewis Black
#33. If you stop eating donutes you will live 3 years longer.It's just 3 more years that you want a donut. < . )
< .
Lewis Black
#34. In a series of wonderful essays, Evan Handler gives himself up to us - warts and all. To our amusement and bemusement we share in his emotional growth as he struggles to mature. I not only laughed along with him but felt that I too had grown a little along the way. Who could ask for more?
Lewis Black
#35. The fear of health care changing is beyond belief. Like there's a way to make the system worse. Really?
Lewis Black
#36. He smiles so much, I don't think he has a central nervous system.
Lewis Black
#37. I don't buy the 'at 60 it's great to have kids' thing. I don't buy the line that has been thrown down - 'You can have a kid at any time.' That doesn't mean you should.
Lewis Black
#38. Now we have black and white elected officials working together. Today, we have gone beyond just passing laws. Now we have to create a sense that we are one community, one family. Really, we are the American family.
John Lewis
#39. You can never put too much pork in your mouth as far as I'm concerned.
Lewis Black
#40. I'm constantly in fear of having a stroke.
Lewis Black
#41. I think the only reason you visit an Apple store is because you wonder what life is like on another planet.
Lewis Black
#42. Kids seem to get me when I play colleges - they like it because I go after them. They'll come up after and say I am like their dads, only funny.
Lewis Black
#43. I am angry that the Democrats don't have the ability to explain to Republicans that we should be able to feed people in this country, and that is not socialism.
Lewis Black
#44. I do like Guinness, I have to say, because you feel like you're eating something.
Lewis Black
#45. Interesting thing about being rich is once you pay your taxes, you're still rich.
Lewis Black
#46. A father and two sons run Adelphia. It's a cable company. And they took from that company a billion dollars. A billion. Three people - three people took a billion dollars. What were they gonna do, start their own space program? 'Let's send the monkey to Mars, Dad!'
Lewis Black
#47. It was the coldest winter ever! I thought last winter was the coldest winter ever, but I was wrong now wasn't I? You see because I travel all the time. So last winter, I'd be in the midwest, and the blizzard would hit. And then I'd fly home, AND THE BLIZZARD WOULD HIT AGAIN!
Lewis Black
#48. The thing is, whenever I see Hillary Clinton, I feel like I have to vote for her. She makes me feel guilty because I feel like I should vote for her so that she'll feel better about herself because she'd been in such a bad marriage.
Lewis Black
#49. The dark prince sat astride his black steed, his sable cape flowing behind him. A golden circlet bound his blond locks, his handsome face was cold with the rage of battle, and ...
"And his arm looked like an eggplant," Clary muttered to herself in exasperation.
Cassandra Clare
#50. These people [the Christians] watched the Flintstones as if it were a documentary.
Lewis Black
#51. Macs are not intuitive. It's intuitive to the person who created it. It's not intuitive to me.
Lewis Black
#52. One thing was certain, that the white kitten had had nothing to do with it
it was the black kitten's fault entirely.
Lewis Carroll
#53. It's one thing to bet on red or black and know that you are betting on red or black. It's another to bet on a form of red and not to know it.
Michael Lewis
#54. Now, they say that New Zealand is beautiful and I do not know
because after 22 hours on a plane any landmass would be beautiful.
Lewis Black
#55. I don't understand how anybody's still a Democrat or a Republican. I don't know what they're basing it on.
Lewis Black
#56. Writing is thinking and thinking is hard work.
Lewis Black
#57. I think inevitably over the course of my lifetime there's been an underestimation of the American people, and I believe they are really the ones that give me hope. There's so much of "they don't know this, and they don't know that," and they're always denigrating.
Lewis Black
#58. In New York, f*** isn't even a word. It's a comma.
Lewis Black
#59. Online, there's no time. It's always Christmas.
Lewis Black
#60. Americans continue to rapidly homogenize ourselves into a neutered oblivion. For a country founded on the protection of the unique, we relish our sameness.
Lewis Black
#61. There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice.
Lewis Black
#62. I watch some CNN and a lot of Fox, because it helps me get irritated.
Lewis Black
#63. All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.
Lewis Black
#64. Most of the longer-term relationships I've known have been gay relationships. They seem to be able to hang out longer.
Lewis Black
#65. Stand-up is the only thing in which you actually write it, act it and direct it simultaneously, so it's actually a great theater exercise.
Lewis Black
#66. It's a privilege to pay taxes. Yeah! It's not a political question, folks. We have to pay for stuff.
Lewis Black
#67. Nobody in college races home and says, 'I can't wait to see the news! I can't wait to see who CBS is going to hire!'
Lewis Black
#68. You are a black goddess when you come out the salon.
Jenifer Lewis
#69. My hate of Apple has moved into a hate of Facebook.
Lewis Black
#70. Apparently there is no profit in the unique, or not enough to make it worthwhile to preserve. Ultimately it drains the life out of us, and existentialism starts to make more and more sense.
Lewis Black
#71. Lactose intolerant milk?! KISS, MY, DICK!
Lewis Black
#72. We don't have seasons anymore. You know why? We lost the ozone layer. Well, put it on milk cartons - let's find it!
Lewis Black
#73. I've got stress like anybody else, and it builds up during the day. Like, I'll be trying to do something on the computer, and I'll get stuck, so I go to the help section. And it just enrages me, because why even call it a help section at all? There's nothing in any way 'helpful' about it.
Lewis Black
#74. If you're working out in front of a mirror and watching your muscles grow, your ego has reached a point where it is now eating itself. That's why I believe there should be a psychiatrist at every health club, so that when they see you doing this, they will take you away for a little chat.
Lewis Black
#75. I had an iPhone and a Droid and both of them were miserable pieces of equipment.
Lewis Black
#76. I think one reason people play golf is it allows them to obsess about something other than the daily crap. It takes your mind off that.
Lewis Black
#77. Every other civilized country has determined when life begins and it's something that eludes us. We've got things that have to be done! "We didn't fix that bridge because you are all down at the meeting house discussing abortion again."
Lewis Black
#78. Republicans and Democrats can barely do what they're supposed to do, and they sure can't do math!
Lewis Black
#79. I had more material on weather than anyone else, I guess, ... back when I was traveling a lot on the road as a standup comic, between airport security and the weather ... I just wanted to be prepared for sitting in the airport.
Lewis Black
#80. I believe in nonviolence as a way of life, as a way of living.
John Lewis
#81. Basically, I started on stage yelling and I kept yelling, and then I yelled some more, and then I yelled even louder. I'm modulated now.
Lewis Black
#82. It is the fear of death
24/7 in every shade of hospital white and doomsday black
that sells the pharmaceutical, political, financial, film, and food product promising to make good the wish to live forever.
Lewis H. Lapham
#83. She wanted, just now, to have a cell in a settlement-house, like a nun without the bother of a black robe, and be kind, and read Bernard Shaw, and enormously improve a horde of grateful poor.
Sinclair Lewis
#84. You realize that for all the shenanigans that go on in the big circus of politics, everybody wakes up and goes to work.
Lewis Black
#85. North Korea is the country that the monkeys in the Wizard of Oz came from.
Lewis Black
#86. If there is hell, it was modeled after junior high school.
Lewis Black
#87. Going up to Canada is great because I'm not dealing with people carrying their agendas into the room. I'm lucky because 97% of the people who come to the show know who they are dealing with, whether they are on the left or the right, we're sharing the same frustration.
Lewis Black
#88. Kennedy: You mean it's not a matter of good deeds versus bad deeds, a kind of moral bookkeeping? Lewis: No indeed. Look at the thief on the cross. He made it to paradise even though his life's red ink certainly outweighed the black. Kennedy:
Peter Kreeft
#89. Is a BJ adultery? What? Did I miss a day of school? Of course it is! Oral sex is adultery like Curling is an Olympic sport. The only thing is, oral sex should be in the Olympics because it's much harder than Curling, and if you're good at it, you DESERVE a medal!
Lewis Black
#91. My father worked at the Naval Ordnance Lab, and they had a nine-hole course on the property. You paid a quarter.
Lewis Black
#92. Just relax and breathe through your ass.
Lewis Black
#93. Do you know what 'meteorologist' means in English? It means liar.
Lewis Black
#94. Has he paid his dues? Is he black enough? ... John Lewis and I were out there marching and organizing sit-ins back in the '60s so that his children and my children would not have to do it ... We would have been failures if had to do the same things we did.
Jim Clyburn
#95. In Canada I'm not dealing with people who are bringing in baggage, they just get it. But New Orleans will be a bit different. If there's a group of people who have a right to be bitter, it's the people of New Orleans.
Lewis Black
#97. No matter what, your parents are going to worry about you. I had a tour bus, and my mother still thought I was broke. Remember: It's your life, not theirs. Just because your parents sent you to college doesn't mean they bought the rest of your life.
Lewis Black
#98. I get an idea about something. I just start thinking about it, and then I get onstage and I talk about it, and then I think about it some more and talk about it some more, and think about it some more and talk about it some more, until it starts to take a shape.
Lewis Black
#99. Being a playwright is like the equivalent of doing a jigsaw puzzle that has 1,500 pieces, and it's a jigsaw of a blue sky. Not a cloud in sight.
Lewis Black
#100. Socialism appeals to me. It's like imposed Christianity. You've got to share.
Lewis Black
Famous Authors
Popular Topics
Scroll to Top
