Jim Gaffigan Food Quotes

#1. You wanna know how good bacon is? To improve other food, they wrap it in bacon.

Jim Gaffigan

#2. I love the phrase "I have a sweet tooth." I always want to say, "You're ordering it for your tooth? That's interesting, because it's going straight to your butt. I think your butt owed your tooth an explanation.

Jim Gaffigan

#3. The DC Improv food is amazingly edible for a comedy club.

Jim Gaffigan

#4. George Washington ordered his Thai food on a laptop? Of course not. He called on the phone and dealt with the person who didn't speak English because he was a patriot.

Jim Gaffigan

#5. I would say some of the food I talk about that I really enjoy, like cake and bacon, I eat a lot less than I portray in my act. But that stuff that I dislike, it's pretty sincere.

Jim Gaffigan

#6. Each city in the southeastern part of the United States has its own unique type of specialty food that can be only found in that city, and it all happens to be called 'barbecue'.

Jim Gaffigan

#7. Overweight people have chosen food over appearance. When a fat person talks about a great place to get a burger, I lean in. They know.

Jim Gaffigan

#8. Fat people know the consequences of eating, but if the food is good enough, they just don't care.

Jim Gaffigan

#9. I'd still trust an overly fat person over a skinny one any day. The best adviser would have a very specific body type: pudgy or just a little overweight. This makes it clear they have a somewhat unhealthy relationship with food, but not a clinical problem. They

Jim Gaffigan

#10. There are people who eat only organic food, and then there are people who don't have tons of money to waste. You

Jim Gaffigan

#11. I was the youngest of six kids, so yeah, feeding myself was important, but it's not like I was obsessed with food growing up.

Jim Gaffigan

#12. My advice to you, dear reader, is to eat well and eat frequently. Our time here is pretty short. It's filled with disappointments and drama, and food can make it better.

Jim Gaffigan

#13. Take a moment to catch your breath and revel in your rhetorical mastery and achievement.

Christopher Moore

#14. Instead of food giving me energy, I am always tired after I eat, which explains why I am always tired. I go to the gym just so I will stop eating for an hour, which, I believe, is the American form of fasting.

Jim Gaffigan

#15. Bacon bits are like the fairy dust of the food community.

Jim Gaffigan

#16. You're shopping, you're cooking, you're getting together with family, you're eating food that's bad for you, you're eating more food that's bad for you, and of course you're eating food that's bad for you. Holidays are also an opportunity for

Jim Gaffigan

#17. I'm convinced that anyone who doesn't like Mexican food is a psychopath.

Jim Gaffigan

#18. But he is only a man; he derives his power from other men, who will follow him for only as long as they believe in him.

Laila Lalami

#19. Damn you, time travel. Why can't you be possible?

Jessica Love

#20. The statue of Freedom has not been cast yet, the furnace is hot, we can all still burn our fingers.

Georg Buchner

#21. I resent when I go out to dinner and they try to sell me the healthy food for the same price as the good food.

Jim Gaffigan

#22. If someone looks genuinely interested and asks me a deeply personal question, I'll give the answer. I'm too open.

Sam Taylor-Wood

#23. If you must be Sherlock Holmes," she observed, "I'll get you a nice little syringe and a bottle labelled cocaine, but for God's sake leave that violin alone.

Agatha Christie

#24. Steakhouses sort of have this old-school nature to them; they're like museums full of good food. It's fun hearing the waiter share his expertise on the different cuts of beef and how they're going to cut up your baked potato.

Jim Gaffigan

#25. If aliens studied Earth, they would come to the conclusion that the United States is somehow consuming food on behalf of other countries.

Jim Gaffigan

#26. Yeah the appetizer, that's the food we eat before we have our food ... No no you're thinking of dessert, that's food we eat after we have our food.

Jim Gaffigan

#27. Darky ate slowly, enjoying every morsel, his mouth salivating so wildly that he worried at the loud sloshing sound he made. But it was lost in all the other wet noises of the night.

Richard Flanagan

#28. I feel guilty when I feed them unhealthy food they like. I feel guilty when I feed them healthy food they don't like. I feel guilty when I drop them off at school. I feel guilty when I pick them up at school. I feel guilty mostly for writing this book instead of spending time with them.

Jim Gaffigan

#29. When people in other parts of the world hear the term "food fast," they envision a time of spiritual and physical cleansing. I hear "food fast" and I envision a drive-thru.

Jim Gaffigan

#30. I wouldn't trust them skinnies with food advice.

Jim Gaffigan

#31. I'm a big eater. I mean, a lot of my stand-up is about food, and you write about what you know, and that's the only thing I know. I don't know anything else.

Jim Gaffigan

#32. What I have is a general and very personal knowledge of food. I know which food I enjoy. I know which food I hate. I know how food makes me feel

Jim Gaffigan

#33. I have low self-esteem and I always have. Guys always cheated on me with women who were European-looking. You know, the long-hair type. Really beautiful women that left me thinking, 'How I can I compete with that?' Being a regular black girl wasn't good enough.

Lil' Kim

#34. My true desire is to relieve others of their pain, though I myself may fall into hell.

Bassui Tokusho

#35. interests of mankind as a whole, but they do not suffice to determine political action. Perhaps they will do so at

Anonymous

#36. for wise men, gold is the metal that evolved the furthest.

Paulo Coelho

#37. Every time I've done something that doesn't feel right, it's ended up not being right.

Mario Cuomo

#38. Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted the whole day.

Mickey Rooney

#39. How did we get to the point where we're paying for bottled water? I imagine it was some weird marketing meeting over in France.

Jim Gaffigan

#40. We are not the ones who will achieve success and put this world to shame, but God will do this

Sunday Adelaja

#41. Whenever I'm out of town for at least a week, I feel like I should write a postcard or something, but you can be a genius, you try and write a postcard you come across like a moron anyway: 'This city's got big buildings. I like food. Bye.'

Jim Gaffigan