Top 100 Gaffigan Quotes
#1. I'm a big fan of Katt Williams, Jim Gaffigan, Louie CK, Margaret Cho, Kathy Griffin, Rich Vas, Joey Vega and Matt Claybrooks.
Chris Rock
#2. We wrote about having five kids and bringing them to church. A journalist at The Washington Post wrote this article where the headline was "The New Catholic Evangelism Of Jim Gaffigan." And it was a bit terrifying.
Jim Gaffigan
#3. I like bowling. It's just one of those things where I can do so many jokes about it because I do know bowling. Somebody once said, "The whitest things in the world are Jim Gaffigan and bowling."
Jim Gaffigan
#4. "Entertainers Of Faith," funnyman Jim Gaffigan isn't ashamed of his Catholicism. He's seen here leaving a New York comedy club with his Bible in hand.
Jim Gaffigan
#5. The shows need youth. All of our comics are getting too famous to do the show regularly. The people who are regulars five years ago, a lot of them have moved on and can't do the show anymore. We can't really get Jim Gaffigan anymore, we can't get Nick Swardson anymore.
B. J. Porter
#6. There are comedians that I like. I think a lot of it, you just figure out on your own. It's definitely one of those things that you get good at by doing it a lot. But I like Jim Gaffigan. Patton Oswalt. Janeane Garofalo.
Michael Showalter
#9. People get burned out in big families, you can even see it in the naming of children. Like the first kid, "You were named after Grandma." The seventh kid, "You were named after a sandwich I had. Now get your brother, Reuben."
Jim Gaffigan
#10. I'd really like to promote my increasing consumption of bacon.
Jim Gaffigan
#11. A cheeseburger a day keeps the feelings away.
Jim Gaffigan
#12. I try to only eat animals that are vegan. I'm probably the opposite of a vegan.
Jim Gaffigan
#14. There are some people who know who I am but there are a lot of people that have no idea who I am - which is not to say that that's a bad thing.
Jim Gaffigan
#15. I reached a point in my life where I didn't really like who I was.I was married to an amazing woman. I had children, and yet there was frustration.
Jim Gaffigan
#16. Other times, we dads are presented as the "enforcer" Vice President, the Dick Cheney.
Jim Gaffigan
#17. When I hear homestyle, I always think of some guy in his underwear standing next to a microwave. You want me to nuke a hot dog for ya? I got some old Chinese in the fridge, but I think it's my roommate's.
Jim Gaffigan
#18. It's good to be back in New York. I have lived here ten years. I'm originally from Indiana. I know what most of you are thinking: Indiana: Mafia. But the fact of the matter is where I grew up there was something very similar to the Mafia: 4-H.
Jim Gaffigan
#19. As a dad, you are the Vice President of the executive branch of parenting. It doesn't matter what your personality is like, you will always be Al Gore to your wife's Bill Clinton. She feels the pain and you are the annoying nerd telling them to turn off the lights.
Jim Gaffigan
#20. Once you identify yourself as believing something, you open yourself to ridicule.
Jim Gaffigan
#21. Ever read a book that changed your life? Me neither.
Jim Gaffigan
#22. Pie can't compete with cake. Put candles in a cake, it's a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, and somebody's drunk in the kitchen.
Jim Gaffigan
#23. Whenever you correct someone's grammar just remember that nobody likes you.
Jim Gaffigan
#24. What I have is a general and very personal knowledge of food. I know which food I enjoy. I know which food I hate. I know how food makes me feel
Jim Gaffigan
#25. Why do you have to be out of town to write a postcard? I want a to write a postcard to my neighbor: "I still live near you!" The guy sees me go into my apartment, flips the card over, it's just a picture of me holding a rifle.
Jim Gaffigan
#26. They always give you three ketchup packets. When you go back up and ask for more, the guy handing them out always treats you like you're taking from his personal stash. "Looks like my kids aren't having ketchup tonight."
Jim Gaffigan
#27. Ever eat so much you feel sick? Isn't that the best?
Jim Gaffigan
#28. I mostly eat ice cream at night in sweatpants, the uniform of ice cream eating. I'll toss the lid even before I start eating the pint, because I'm not a quitter
Jim Gaffigan
#29. I don't know about you, but when they first introduced bottled water, I thought it was so funny, I was like "Bottled water! Haha, they're selling bottled water! ... I guess I'll try it. Ah, this is good, this is more watery than water. Yeah, this has got a water kick to it."
Jim Gaffigan
#30. Don't you expect a rainbow coming out of the tub of bacon strips at the end of the buffet line?
Jim Gaffigan
#31. You've grown tired of your four-year-old pointing to words and asking, "What does this say?" Apparently it's not okay to respond to them with, "It says, 'Learn how to read.'
Jim Gaffigan
#32. I should clarify that anyone that goes onstage and makes strangers laugh is insane. So I am insane.
Jim Gaffigan
#33. There's something that's really fun about the challenge of making the mundane funny, too, I think.
Jim Gaffigan
#34. I wouldn't say that comedy brought me away from it.I think that my idea of faith was another obligation in my life.
Jim Gaffigan
#35. I realized, in removing or rewriting these jokes, that often the jokes weren't done or that I was using, for me, the curse words as kind of a crutch. So then I just started writing.
Jim Gaffigan
#36. Most of my material is , it doesn't necessarily involve a lot of editing. So even the show with the World Meeting of Families in Philadelphia, I don't have to worry about some of the material being inappropriate.
Jim Gaffigan
#37. I had some jokes that were dirty. And some of it is when I started making appearances on Conan and Letterman back in the late '90s, I think. You had to remove the curse words, or you couldn't do some of the more explicit jokes.
Jim Gaffigan
#38. Some people have their own bowling ball and their own bowling shoes ... and no friends.
Jim Gaffigan
#39. People need to write articles and they need to have angles in them and I'm grateful when people are doing articles, but I always say there's not a great mystery to stand-up comedy.
Jim Gaffigan
#40. There's a certain balance between finding an opportunity to do what you really enjoy and getting caught up in the flattery of people wanting you to do things.
Jim Gaffigan
#41. You ever buy a book and not read it? You feel almost guilty having it up on a bookshelf. People are like, "Hey, how's that book?" "I haven't read it." "Oh, did you just buy it?" "I've had it since high school." "Well, can I borrow it?" "No."
Jim Gaffigan
#42. I didn't choose to be the guy who talks about the mundane - it's just who I am and it's what kind of works for me.
Jim Gaffigan
#43. There's something about being a parent that has, I think, made me a better comedian.
Jim Gaffigan
#44. A lot of people are like, "You're doing commercials?" And I honestly feel like those Sierra Mist commercials are better than a lot of sitcoms I get offered. It's hard work, and I'm paid a lot of money, and I do it because I love the soda.
Jim Gaffigan
#45. The only thing weaker than a toddler's handshake is their immune system.
Jim Gaffigan
#46. I was raised in a family where my father was the first one to go to college.
Jim Gaffigan
#47. You think when gym teachers were younger, they're thinking, "You know, I want to teach ... but I don't want to read. How about kickball for 40 years?"
Jim Gaffigan
#48. I don't know much about grammar, but I think kale salad is what they call a double negative.
Jim Gaffigan
#49. If only opening a Vitamin Water could be classified as working out.
Jim Gaffigan
#50. I'm a comedian, which is the opposite of a lifestyle that equips you to be a parent.
Jim Gaffigan
#51. I saw this college team bowling championship. Each team had their own coach. What kind of strategy advice is a bowling coach giving? "You know what? This time Timmy, I want you to knock down all the pins." "You sure?" "Trust me. Just do it son!"
Jim Gaffigan
#52. Judging other people says more about you than about the person you're judging. Except of course when you're judging people with too many cats. And by that, I mean more than one cat. Those people are completely bonkers and should be locked up.
Jim Gaffigan
#53. Fortune cookies are an American invention, and we gave it to them. The Chinese were probably like, "Uh, we don't want it." And we were like, "It's now part of your ethnic identity.
Jim Gaffigan
#54. "I got up early because I wanted to." - Nobody
Jim Gaffigan
#55. You are not only waking up sleep deprived, but now you are also sleep deprived and in charge of another human being.
Jim Gaffigan
#56. Kids and disease are the gateway to faith.
Jim Gaffigan
#57. I am sure everyone reading this book values their sleep, but I am a sleep enthusiast! My dream is to become one of those grandpas in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory who just lives in bed. That looked awesome.
Jim Gaffigan
#58. It's strange how interesting your dreams are, but when someone tries to tell you their dream you're just like "WHATEVER! Why don't you send me an e-mail so I can delete it?"
Jim Gaffigan
#59. Babies and toddlers are mostly what I've been exposed to at this point. I'm hoping parenting just gets much easier after this. It does, right?
Jim Gaffigan
#60. I am somebody who - my path to my faith is very kind of individual, and I don't want to be lumped into the category of those Westboro Baptists.
Jim Gaffigan
#61. My whole comic persona is that of a guy who explores the id: I romanticize gluttony, I romanticize laziness, and people identify with that.
Jim Gaffigan
#62. I smoke crack. I get all my dancers together and we do a prayer.
Jim Gaffigan
#63. Not that I don't think irreverent humor and someone being filthy is funny, I just do what I do. Any comedian would admit throwing an f-bomb in there would help get a reaction ... I'm not on a Puritanical pursuit, but when I would curse in a joke, I believe I'm not done writing it.
Jim Gaffigan
#64. Steakhouses sort of have this old-school nature to them; they're like museums full of good food. It's fun hearing the waiter share his expertise on the different cuts of beef and how they're going to cut up your baked potato.
Jim Gaffigan
#65. I was a pale piece of white bread floating in a sea of ethnicity.
Jim Gaffigan
#66. I grew up in a Catholic family in the Midwest. And I knew people of different faiths and people that were atheists and people that were agnostic.
Jim Gaffigan
#67. If aliens studied Earth, they would come to the conclusion that the United States is somehow consuming food on behalf of other countries.
Jim Gaffigan
#68. The nerds are rich and successful, and those jocks are dumb divorced guys with beer bellies. By the way, in high school, I also played football and, yes, I have a beer belly. Jeannie can't divorce me. We are Catholic. Thank you, Jesus.
Jim Gaffigan
#69. Nursery schools and bars at 2 a.m. are the only places where it is completely normal if someone just spontaneously throws up on the floor ... and just like a toddler, the bar patron wakes up the next day not remembering or caring how they behaved.
Jim Gaffigan
#70. Now that I'm married and have two beautiful children, it really makes me appreciate ... being alone.
Jim Gaffigan
#71. Directions to our apartment should always end with " ... and follow the sound of screaming children".
Jim Gaffigan
#72. You don't use mayonnaise, why? ... Are you addicted to mayonnaise? Is it okay if I use mayonnaise? I could go outside ...
Jim Gaffigan
#73. Yeah the appetizer, that's the food we eat before we have our food ... No no you're thinking of dessert, that's food we eat after we have our food.
Jim Gaffigan
#74. How about those people who don't need sleep? What are they called again? Successful? What a bunch of dicks they are.
Jim Gaffigan
#75. I don't know what's more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you're doing.
Jim Gaffigan
#76. I didn't think that it's something that would happen. I didn't think I would be in the position, emotionally or financially, to be able to do that. But I've been lucky [to have big family].
Jim Gaffigan
#77. I was the youngest of the six kids, and to make my older siblings laugh, that was very important. I did a great impression of our dad that made them all laugh, so that gave me a lot of power within the family.
Jim Gaffigan
#78. Oh great, socks. You know I'm dying for your sins right? Yeah, but thanks for the socks! They'll go great with my sandals. What am I, German?
Jim Gaffigan
#79. Gyms are always packed. The only machine available is the one that simulates the gynecological exam. You know, the Sharon Stone machine.
Jim Gaffigan
#80. I feel guilty when I feed them unhealthy food they like. I feel guilty when I feed them healthy food they don't like. I feel guilty when I drop them off at school. I feel guilty when I pick them up at school. I feel guilty mostly for writing this book instead of spending time with them.
Jim Gaffigan
#81. It's like in most parts of America, where there was industry and there is no longer; there is cynicism mixed with sarcasm and some optimism. That's how my background influenced my comedy.
Jim Gaffigan
#82. When people in other parts of the world hear the term "food fast," they envision a time of spiritual and physical cleansing. I hear "food fast" and I envision a drive-thru.
Jim Gaffigan
#83. I wouldn't trust them skinnies with food advice.
Jim Gaffigan
#84. I'm a big eater. I mean, a lot of my stand-up is about food, and you write about what you know, and that's the only thing I know. I don't know anything else.
Jim Gaffigan
#85. Failing and laughing at your own shortcomings are the hallmarks of a sane parent.
Jim Gaffigan
#86. Well, since you've come into my life, you've been a constant source of entertainment while simultaneously driving me insane.
Jim Gaffigan
#87. I'm a guy who comes from a small town in the Midwest. It's not in my nature to say the most explicit things in public.
Jim Gaffigan
#88. I'm there to make people laugh. I'm not trying to come across as sexy.
Jim Gaffigan
#89. I realize I look very hip hop but I'm really more emo with a definite Brazilian flavor.
Jim Gaffigan
#90. It is probably easier to land a quadruple jump in ice-skating than to get my five children to depart our home in a timely manner. Everyone knows leaving anywhere with a large group is extremely difficult. I don't know how Moses did it.
Jim Gaffigan
#91. There were times in my life when I had one thing to do all day, but I still couldn't get to it. I gotta go to the post office, but I'd probably have to put on pants. And they're only open till five. Looks like I'm going to have to do that next week.
Jim Gaffigan
#92. The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal.
Jim Gaffigan
#93. It's amazing how email has changed our lives. You ever get a handwritten letter in the mail today? 'What the? Has someone been kidnapped?'
Jim Gaffigan
#94. All healthy babies eventually walk, but we treat those first steps like someone has just risen out of a wheelchair at a healing revival. "He's walking! It's a miracle!
Jim Gaffigan
#95. The reason I say I'm a horrible person is I don't want myself to be presented as somebody who's a great Catholic.
Jim Gaffigan
#96. I do want everyone to feel comfortable. That's why I'd like to talk to you about Jesus.
Jim Gaffigan
#97. Is there a homeless guy built in to the design of Dunkin' Donuts? ... There'll be an entrance here ... a deranged lunatic here.
Jim Gaffigan
#98. My wife told me that in the Bible, Abraham circumcised himself ... wow! I can't even get to the bank before it closes.
Jim Gaffigan
#99. Note: If you met your wife while she was married to another man, history is bound to repeat itself.
Jim Gaffigan
#100. I had never fought in the Vietnam War and had dinner in Paris on the same day. I had no context to understand the casualties or the romance a parent feels on the same day.
Jim Gaffigan
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