Top 100 Handler's Quotes
#1. I like writing for movies. It's nice to be alone working on fiction in your room, and then it's nice to be in a room with a bunch of people working on a movie.
Daniel Handler
#2. As the youngest of six kids, I grew up spending summers on Martha's Vineyard, and I was always topless. All the pictures are of me in jean shorts, no shirt - with my brothers, playing football.
Chelsea Handler
#3. I'm always interested to see what films are made of books. I kind of don't participate as a filmgoer in any kind of debate about what's better, the book or the movie. So I think it's interesting when people want to do it.
Daniel Handler
#4. This teaching job did not pay a lot of money, because, let's face it, nobody gives a flying fuck about education, but it was a temporary position.
Daniel Handler
#5. There's tons of information on the Internet, so if you type in cancer, they'll give you 15, 000 different options to get involved with cancer. It's very easy to get involved if you want to get involved, especially to volunteer your time.
Chelsea Handler
#6. I always think it's silly when people talk about works of culture taking risks. Because there's not any risk involved.
Daniel Handler
#7. Paris Hilton has launched a new champagne in a can called Rich Prosecco. For the ad campaign Paris posed wearing nothing but gold paint. That's a unique way to cover up herpes.
Chelsea Handler
#8. Everything isn't permanent, so don't pretend that it is. Everything's supposed to move and shift.
Chelsea Handler
#9. You see failed vocabulary in the adult world so often, and it's often because once you reach a certain age you're kind of embarrassed to go look up a word if you don't know what it means.
Daniel Handler
#10. She had Nick Lachey's body, a deep voice, very small boobies, and a crew cut. It would have come as no surprise if she had walked into the backyard to compete in a rock-hurling competition after dinner.
Chelsea Handler
#11. I don't understand what apps are on my phone. Why do they ask for passwords? Why do they all ask for different passwords? It's so frustrating that I end up just reading a book every time I try to go online.
Chelsea Handler
#12. I opened my mouth and kissed you then, the first time all night, attacked you and surrendered completely, and let's get out of here. I'm ready, I'm finished, let's not break up, no, no. Take me home, my boyfriend, my love.
Daniel Handler
#13. I guess it's funny how life turns out?" she tried. "Not last I checked," Errol said with a snort.
Daniel Handler
#15. This kind of mixing of ingredients happens all the time at fast-food places ... You know when you order french fries and there's a rogue onion ring at the bottom. You know, at first you're alarmed but you eat it. It all comes from the same place! You just have to go for it.
Chelsea Handler
#16. If he's not gay and he hung out with you the whole time, he wanted to be. It's boyfriend or want to be boyfriend or I guess gay. Those are the choices.
Daniel Handler
#17. Choose the guy that's going to make you a better girl.
Chelsea Handler
#18. I didn't like books where people played on a sports team and won a bunch of games, or went to summer camp and had a wonderful time. I really liked a book where a witch might cut a child's head off or a pack of angry dogs might burst through a door and terrorize a family.
Daniel Handler
#19. Every time I enter a country and have to write down my occupation at customs, I'm like, 'I don't know ... Author? Host? Writer? Stand-up?' I usually write 'author' - that's the safest bet.
Chelsea Handler
#20. I do think about marriage, but it's not the end-all goal.
Chelsea Handler
#21. It's funny, particularly when you're a writer and you're doing well, you have that sense of like, "Oh! My view of the world is the one that's going to be published."
Daniel Handler
#22. When you're at sea," Gwen would probably reply, "it's not food. It's fuel, for further exploits."
"So the exploit fuels the next exploit, and the next the next, and so on? Is there nothing more, nothing else?"
"Is there ever?
Daniel Handler
#23. Stand-up was my entree into the entertainment world. I didn't have to act out somebody else's words. I could just stand there with a microphone, and nobody would interrupt me. It's the most narcissistic thing you could probably do.
Chelsea Handler
#24. I never considered myself a supermodel or anything like that. I mean, I don't think I'm ugly. I have good days and bad days, and I like when I'm fit and lean and all of those things that any woman likes, but it's not the eye of the hurricane for me.
Chelsea Handler
#25. I think everyone's afraid of public speaking. There have been times where I've come out of my own show and been like, 'Oh, God, what am I doing?' ... You have to remind yourself that 'OK, I'm kind of a badass. I can handle it.'
Chelsea Handler
#26. The whole thing about my books and my life is that I create drama's always around me.
Chelsea Handler
#27. I'm not very good at the accordion. If I played guitar, I wouldn't be on anyone's album. But because I play the accordion and no one else does, I end up doing strange things.
Daniel Handler
#28. I can't think of a story that doesn't have something terrible in it. Otherwise, it's dull. So when I embarked into the world of picture books, my first thought was to do something about the dark.
Daniel Handler
#29. I started my own business because my parents had no dowry for me, and I was worried. I ran it from their Martha Vineyard's summer house. I baby-sat for a 14-year-old boy all summer and was giving him time-outs, even though I was two years younger than him.
Chelsea Handler
#30. It's true what they say about patience being a virtue; it just happens to be a virtue that I choose not to pursue.
Chelsea Handler
#31. It's okay to like jerks. I mean, it'd be better to like a nice guy, but there aren't any.
Daniel Handler
#32. If diamonds are a girl's best friend, I wonder if blood diamonds are a girl's best friend 5 days out of the month?
Chelsea Handler
#33. The file clanked against me, my stupid idea nobody would have gotten had I ever done it. You even wouldn't have gotten it, Ed, I thought, watching her go. It's why we broke up, so here it is. Ed, how could you?
Daniel Handler
#35. Normally it is not polite to go into somebody's room without knocking, but you can make an exception if the person is dead, or pretending to be dead.
Daniel Handler
#36. There's times where you think, 'Gosh, what if nobody ever wants to hear what I have to say?'
Chelsea Handler
#37. That's my biggest struggle, is maintaining a personal romantic relationship. It takes a lot of effort.
Chelsea Handler
#38. It's one thing for forgive yourself a mistake. But if you knew it was a mistake at the time, how do you forgive yourself then?
Daniel Handler
#39. Obviously its nice to give your time and especially when there is money being raised. It's rewarding.
Chelsea Handler
#40. I hadn't even been looking, not for you, and now you were my heart's desire.
Daniel Handler
#41. When I look at all the people that I have working for me and the company I've started and all the people that benefit from it and have a living because of it, it's very motivating to continue to do it.
Chelsea Handler
#42. Even if times are tough and you're enduring a terrible heartache, it's important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person.
Chelsea Handler
#43. Love is candy from a stranger, but it's candy you've had before and it probably won't kill you.
Daniel Handler
#44. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are ridiculous-looking - especially her. They're so strange and charismatic and weird. It's pretty hard to take your eyes off them.
Chelsea Handler
#45. We spend so much money on these dresses that are terrible. And what do we get out of it? Nothing - a piece of chicken and a roll in the hay with her hillbilly cousin - no thank you. My family's very close; I can do that at home.
Chelsea Handler
#46. Everyone is coming from a place of fear and my feeling is stop being so afraid. If something doesn't work then that's fine at least then you know it doesn't work. Don't worry so much about it not working, you can always fix that.
Chelsea Handler
#47. If you are a drinker, always use a pseudonym when booking hotels. None of us really know what kind of mess we're going to leave behind, and there's no sense in getting banned from a resort you respect.
Chelsea Handler
#48. First of all, who cares if people hate you? There's always a guarantee that certain people will dislike you. There's never any guarantee that anyone will like you. So if anyone likes you at all, you've already won.
Chelsea Handler
#49. I'm a devilish kind of person, but I embrace it. I don't try to fight it. It's proven very well for me.
Chelsea Handler
#50. There's a McDonalds in Hong Kong & they're offering couples the opportunity to get married. You can have a McWedding.
Chelsea Handler
#51. Mostly, it's flattering to meet fans. As long as it's in a planned, professional meeting, rather than, say, someone dropping by my home, which is not as pleasant.
Daniel Handler
#52. Sometimes, Chelsea, I wonder, how you get by from day to day. It's a good thing you're so voluptuous.
Chelsea Handler
#53. But then, like George Michael in a men's bathroom, I got cocky.
Chelsea Handler
#54. If you're really looking to hurt somebody's feelings, just break up with them.
Chelsea Handler
#56. He laid into me with the same gusto as a right-wing political pundit on the O'Reilly Factor defending President's Bush right to vacation six days out of the week.
Chelsea Handler
#57. Women's battle for financial equality has barely been joined, much less won. Society still traditionally assigns to woman the role of money-handler rather than money-maker, and our assigned specialty is far more likely to be home economics than financial economics.
Paula Nelson
#58. I have no idea why gay men love me, but I would have to assume it's because they know how much I love the gays! Everyone needs a good gay man in their life.
Chelsea Handler
#59. The flames rose bright on everyone's screens, flickering lipstick red and traffic-cone orange and Lord knows what else, depending on how your television's colour was.
Daniel Handler
#60. A nice thing about children's books, though I'm probably alone in this opinion among other people who write and publish them, is that they did get to be in this unrecognized ghetto for a long time.
Daniel Handler
#61. Don't think about anything for too long. Even if it's off-the-wall, go for it. You'll have a lot more fun in life.
Chelsea Handler
#62. Ivory's the kind of girl who gets drunk and immediately starts slurring. I have a lot of friends like that, and I think it's because it makes me look 'more together.
Chelsea Handler
#63. There's a difference between racism and people making a joke about something. There is true racism going on, and people should be able to identify what that is, comparatively.
Chelsea Handler
#64. My general writing preface is to write an outline and then ignore about half of it, both on a micro level with the individual book, and on a macro level with the series as a whole, and that's pretty much what's happened.
Daniel Handler
#65. That's Al Qaeda's new plan: to destroy America one period at a time.
Chelsea Handler
#66. It's been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be.
Chelsea Handler
#67. It's a pleasure to play my sister because everything I've accused her of my whole life, I can now re-enact before her eyes.
Chelsea Handler
#69. I thought it was one thing but it was the other, it was zero zero zero alone on the bus while you slept in the room I had to leave, and that's why we broke up.
Daniel Handler
#70. And by the way, the fact that she's not speaking to anyone in her family is a pretty good indicator that she is the problem.
Chelsea Handler
#71. It's why we broke up, Ed, a small thing that's disappeared or maybe was never really in my hands in the first place.
Daniel Handler
#72. I had no involvement with any extracurricular activities at school, mostly because the one time I tried out for cheerleading I was summoned to the nurse's office the next morning to be tested for scoliosis. Sometime
Chelsea Handler
#73. Kristen Stewart always looks like she's posing for pictures taken in a basement by her creepy uncle.
Chelsea Handler
#74. We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.
Chelsea Handler
#75. There's nothing more annoying than a man ordering wine at a bar when you're not eating.
Chelsea Handler
#76. I don't cook ... I don't know how to clean ... there's may be a good chance I'm an alcoholic.
Chelsea Handler
#77. I've never had a musical career. So I think it's been unaffected. I play the accordion. In terms of thinking of it as a musical career, I think it's sort of like calling yourself an astronaut because you have a shiny suit.
Daniel Handler
#78. Boy George has been charged with falsely imprisoning a man who'd gone to his apartment to pose for photographs. Going to Boy George's house to get your picture taken is like going to David Copperfield's island for a radio opportunity.
Chelsea Handler
#79. Wherever it's good, whatever strange, faraway land, let's go there, let's stay in that place alone.
Daniel Handler
#80. I didn't really spend much time with anyone my own age during high school because I believed my true calling would be representing New Jersey in the U.S. Senate, and if that didn't work out, I could always fall back on becoming an Olympic pole vaulter.
Chelsea Handler
#81. If I cover my head with my hands, it means deny the ball to the opponent's ball handler.
Don Meyer
#82. Evan Handler is not only a fine actor, he's a damn good writer. It's Only Temporary is wise and funny and as righteously indignant as it is endearingly self-effacing. In what may be a literary first, the book actually left me wanting more.
Meghan Daum
#83. My theory about Taylor Swift is that she's a virgin, that everyone breaks up with her because they date her for two weeks and she's like, 'I'm not gonna do it'.
Chelsea Handler
#84. According to Life & Style, Lance Armstrong was seen canoodling with fitness model Kim Strother, and the night before, he was with Ashley Olsen. He's going from bar to bar picking up women - how does he get them home? Does he put them on the handlebars, or does he have a banana seat?
Chelsea Handler
#85. I have always maintained a strong opposition to marriage because I would have to be in serious denial to pretend I wasn't born with a personality for divorce. Whatever the opposite of amicable is, that's how my breakups tend to play out.
Chelsea Handler
#86. Paris Hilton is going on a goodwill mission to Rwanda. It's the first time an entire Third World country will have to get immunizations for a visitor.
Chelsea Handler
#87. I'm dumping the whole box back into your life Ed, every item of you and me. I'm dumping this box on your porch, Ed, but it's you, Ed, who is getting dumped.
Daniel Handler
#88. You never love a book the way you love a book when you are ten. It is an honor to be in that sacred space in some children's brains.
Daniel Handler
#89. Everywhere I go, people ask me about Jennifer Aniston's wedding. Everywhere I go. I always say to her, I'm like, 'Being friends with you is a burden. You think it's hard to be friends with me?'
Chelsea Handler
#90. If you have to work at McDonald's, good for you. But on a side note, good luck with the rest of your life.
Chelsea Handler
#91. Evan Handler's new book is simply wonderful. He pulls you inside his life, and you come out his very close friend.
Neil Simon
#92. I think the people I talk about are generally so stupid that they don't even know I'm saying bad things about them. I've run into Paris Hilton and she's like, Oh, I love your show. And I'm like, You can't love my show if you can hear.
Chelsea Handler
#93. I'm not that shallow, asshole. I don't need money. It's way more important for them to be good-looking.
Chelsea Handler
#94. Paula Abdul's really impatient to start a family. She says if she has to wait much longer she's going to go crazy-er.
Chelsea Handler
#95. I try not to apologize, especially publicly. That's a slippery slope, because I'm a comedian. If you take anything I'm saying too seriously, then you shouldn't be paying attention in the first place. If you find me offensive, don't follow me.
Chelsea Handler
#96. I don't like people who drink decaf coffee it's like what. Why you drinking it? Like it taste so good? That's like drinking non alcoholic vodka.
Chelsea Handler
#97. For Beatrice, I cherished, you perished, The world's been nightmarished.
Daniel Handler
#98. Who's the president on the $100 bill? I don't know. I don't need to know because I don't use cash. I only use travelers checks.
Chelsea Handler
#99. Undeveloped, the whole thing,tossed into a box before we really had a chance to know what we had, and that's why we broke up.
Daniel Handler
#100. It always freaks me out when I go to a sushi place and there's a Mexican.
Chelsea Handler
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