Earlier Today Quotes

#1. Earlier today I had sex with a monkey and then roasted and ate it with a glass of choir boys' piss. I like to get in the mood.

Peter Milligan

#2. I got some good news earlier today before the show. Thanks to Alex Rodriguez, I am no longer the most overpaid disappointment in New York City.

David Letterman

#3. Earlier today, we got a call from Stephen Hawking. He's a genius, and after 6,028 shows he ran the numbers and he said it works out to about eight minutes of laughter.

David Letterman

#4. Earlier today, President Bush said Kerry will be a tough and hard-charging opponent. That explains why Bush's nickname for Kerry is math.

Conan O'Brien

#5. I don't think we have very good records about what they were thinking except, as I pointed out earlier today, that they did invent our political system.

David R. Brower

#6. It was as if I was in a picture, a flat canvas, and everything around me was flat, me painted on like everything else: no colour, nothing in front and nothing behind me, not even earlier today or tomorrow, nothing to look back or forward to, just this moment.

Tim Relf

#7. Earlier today, John McCain was in the news. John McCain gave his first press conference since the election. And he said, 'For a lot of people, Sarah Palin was an energizing factor during the campaign.' Unfortunately for McCain, those people are called Democrats.

Conan O'Brien

#8. Earlier today I shot my old partner, a friend of mine, because he tried to stop me from doing what I have to do. Don't think for a second that I won't do that to you.

Jack Bauer

#9. Earlier today I was eating a nugget.

Angello Wellson-Noble

#10. At the White House, they caught another fence jumper earlier today. It was Obama trying to get out.

David Letterman

#11. Those North Korean hackers are at it again. Earlier today they leaked Santa's naughty list.

David Letterman

#12. Barack Obama's busy moving into the White House. Earlier today, John McCain was blowing on his soup.

David Letterman

#13. Earlier today, Arnold Schwarzenegger criticized the California school system, calling it disastrous. Arnold says California's schools are so bad that its graduates are willing to vote for me.

Conan O'Brien

#14. God forbid I should be the last one to criticize, but I think may be Howard Dean has a bit of a problem because earlier today during a debate in New Hampshire, he bit off Joe Lieberman's ear.

David Letterman

#15. Osama bin Laden ... lived in one house for, like, six years with three wives. And earlier today, they ruled his death was a suicide.

David Letterman

#16. Thank you for your enthusiasm. Earlier today I told another student I was getting new encyclopedias - he asked me how long I'd be in the hospital!

Chris Colfer

#17. I just received the message she left earlier today. She left the message yesterday, but she left today. Now I feel like leftovers, but I don't feel like leftovers. I need to cook and eat a fresh meal to not think of myself as yesterday's fresh meal.

Jarod Kintz

#18. Earlier today former Vermont Governor Howard Dean became the new head of the Democratic National Committee
no word on who will be the neck.

Amy Poehler

#19. Earlier today Martha Stewart issued a statement saying 'I am innocent and will fight to clear my name.' Yeah, Martha then said 'I look forward to the day when people stop thinking I am guilty and get back to thinking I am cold and arrogant.'

Conan O'Brien

#20. I'm about to panic when I remember the rabbit I startled earlier today. It has to drink, too. I just have to find out where.

Suzanne Collins

#21. There was an embarrassing moment in the White House earlier today. They were looking around while searching for George Bush's military records. They actually found some old Al Gore ballots.

David Letterman

#22. Hillary's trying to appear downhome. Earlier today she was sitting on the front porch of a general store whittling a pantsuit.

David Letterman

#23. We are in a code orange. Homeland Security said earlier today that everyone should have a roll of duct tape and plastic sheeting to protect your house in event of terrorist attacks. Who came up with this idea? MacGyver?

Jay Leno

#24. Earlier today, the White House released President Bush's tax return. Not surprisingly, under dependents, the president listed Iraq

Conan O'Brien

#25. Earlier today, the jury at the Martha Stewart trial reached a verdict. Martha was found guilty on all charges. In a related story, there's a huge sale at K-Mart.

Conan O'Brien

#26. Kids today are much more independant than their parents were. We're really into getting jobs and we mature sexually much earlier than a generation ago. Or, at least, we are involved in sex earlier.

Phoebe Cates

#27. Earlier on today, apparently, a woman rung the BBC and said she heard there was a hurricane on the way ... well, if you're watching, don't worry, there isn't!

Michael Fish

#28. In earlier periods of history, adolescence was virtually unknown ... Today, the span between childhood and adulthood may extend over ten years. Deferred adulthood is synonymous with deferred responsibility.

Billy Graham

#29. The flight of most members of a profession to the high empyrean, where they can work peacefully on purely scientific problems, isolated from the turmoil of real life, was perhaps quite appropriate at an earlier stage of science; but in today's world it is a luxury we cannot afford.

Gerald Holton

#30. We had already beaten them 4-0 and 7-0 earlier this season, so we knew we were in for a really tough game today.

Barry Ferguson

#31. I would say the most significant difference between modern-era receivers and previous receivers is the ones who were in my generation or earlier had to get a job after they got through playing. Today's player doesn't.

Steve Largent

#32. My earlier poems were sadder than my poems are today, perhaps because I wrote them in confusion or when I was unhappy. But I am not a melancholy person, quite the contrary, no one enjoys laughing more than I do.

Anne Stevenson

#33. Today, he showed the world why he is considered the best batsman around. Some of the shots he played were simply amazing. Earlier, opposing teams used to feel that Sachin's dismissal meant they could win the game. Today, I feel that the Indian players, too, feel this way.

Wasim Akram

#34. Most of my job life has had to do with welfare, first helping people find work and then as an administrator. The earlier experience was more direct and satisfying, and I enjoy thinking that a bunch of people somewhere are doing better today than they might have done if not for me.

Gail Carson Levine

#35. All we can do when we think of kids today is think of more hours of school, earlier age at the computer, and curfews. Who would want to grow up in that world?

James Hillman

#36. Earlier in this century someone claimed that we work at our play and play at our work. Today the confusion has deepened: we worship our work, work at our play, and play in our worship.

Leland Ryken

#37. Earlier, if you had a piece of technology, anyone could theoretically take it apart and put it back together again, and understand how it works. Some people would do that with the technology that they owned. It's not as easy to do that today. Most users wouldn't even think to do anything like that.

Charlie Jane Anders

#38. You don't need to go back in time to be awesome; you just have to start right now. Regretting that you didn't start earlier is a great distraction from moving on your dream today, and the reality is that today is earlier than tomorrow.

Jon Acuff

#39. Get up tomorrow early in the morning, and earlier than you did today, and do the best that you can. Always stay near me, for tomorrow I will have much to do and more than I ever had, and tomorrow blood will leave my body above the breast.

Joan Of Arc

#40. What's novel today is the outspoken way that powerful donors admit and even champion the fact that gift-giving is a useful vehicle for preserving privilege, something that distinguishes them from earlier donors.

Linsey McGoey

#41. I would say the film world has stopped operating as one. We have divided it into Hindi movies, Bengali movies, Tamil movies and so on. Earlier, there was only one channel and we all knew what was going on. Today, it is hard to keep track of programmes due to the advent of regional channels.

Mithun Chakraborty

#42. As I told you earlier, pain is a powerful teacher. To transcend pain, I had to first experience it. I wouldn't be where I am today without it,

Robin S. Sharma

#43. The contemporary climate is therapeutic, not religious. People today hunger not for personal salvation, let alone for the restoration of an earlier golden age, but for the feeling, the momentary illusion, of personal well-being, health, and psychic security.

Christopher Lasch

#44. Mark Zuckerberg and Jeff Bezos are far more important symbols than any politician today, and they occupy the space that iconic political figures did in earlier eras.

Fareed Zakaria

#45. Earlier scarcity dented the happy disposition of folk, as abundance breeds bitterness today.

Girdhar Joshi

#46. The Grimm collections were never intended for children. Not because kids were excluded, but because the division we make today of children's literature didn't exist then. The idea of protecting children from tales with violence didn't occur until the earlier part of the 19th century.

Jack Zipes

#47. Just as political correctness finds its most avid supporters on today's university campuses, the intellectuals of earlier times generally went along with the religious establishment. He who pays the piper calls the tune.

David P. Clark

#48. go to her house today. But earlier.

M.H. Sargent