Daniel Tosh Quotes

#1. How come everybody cheers when chicks flash their T&A, but when I pull out my D&Bs, i'm a registered sex offender.

Daniel Tosh

#2. I have high-definition television, because I felt the lack of resolution was affecting my ability to solve cases on C.S.I.

Daniel Tosh

#3. Sure I may look adjusted, but I can't function in normal society because most of you are too stupid.

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#4. Describe your perfect man who looks like me ...

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#5. I started my own foundation. If you aren't familiar with it, it's called 'Febreezing the homeless.' Who would you rather give money to: a man that smells 4like liquiid garbage, or ocean breeze?

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#6. The only advice I have for youth is to date outside your race. I just think it's so cute when I see little kids in interracial relationships; it makes me feel like I'm watching a commercial.

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#7. I'm a Bad Test Taker ... you mean you're stupid?

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#8. Let's be honest: it's not like I'm not making a good living that the whole family benefits from. No one talks about my foul mouth when we're all in Aspen for Christmas.

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#9. I have no idea why people want to watch puppets be the slightly meaner version of the weirdo holding them. It's beyond my comprehension.

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#10. You don't gossip while your man is driving. You sit there quietly until you're about 5 minutes from your destination then you say, would you like some road head?

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#11. No one dies a virgin, Life screws us all

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#12. The only reason Woodstock was necessary is because they didn't have iTunes.

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#13. I grew up in Florida and went to school there, and ended up going to University of Central Florida.

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#14. You should never eat when you're on the toilet. "But I'm lactose-intolerant, and I always wanted to enjoy a bowl of Puffins with whole milk!" That's more of an almond milk cereal, but live
your dream.

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#15. If you like soccer, then welcome to America. See, our country already has entertainment so watching people chase a ball for four hours to end 0 - 0 is not enjoyable - unless, of course, the bleachers collapse and half of Europe dies.

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#16. Girls can fake orgasms, but boys can fake love.

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#17. I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it.

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#18. The day I notice a cyclist obey a stop sign is the day I'll stop enjoying watching them bounce off my hood.

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#19. I don't think I could stab somebody, cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun.

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#20. I assume the only reason we have them is so that white people feel relevant in sports. Because other than that the only thing the winter Olympics show me is which country has more rich white kids. What's it cost to go skiing - $900 a day? I can't believe that's not more popular in the inner cities.

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#21. I feel bad sometimes because I secretly hope New Orleans gets nailed again.

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#22. You are a sick freak who should be beaten.

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#23. I never want to cannibalize my act, and I'm really excited that I am going to be able to perform new material. I'm not a huge fan of repeating jokes, and I don't really do any of my old material from old stand-up acts.

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#24. Maybe everyone doesn't deserve a second chance. If I can be perfect why can't you?

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#25. Ben Roethlisberger is Tim Tebow minus Jesus.

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#26. It's not that hard to climb a pole. All you need are powerful thighs and an empty soul.

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#27. I actually got a part in 'The Love Guru', that Mike Myers film. I heard it's awful. I got a Razzie award for it, which I'm quite proud of, but I still haven't seen it. I have no plans to branch out.

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#28. Yes, I am aware that I am the gayer version of Jeff Lewis.

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#29. They say money doesn't buy happiness. That phrase should end with 'just kidding'.

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#30. This is what I say to the most conservative person that's so terrified of gay marriage becoming legal. Just because the state says it's legal, it's not like God's going to let them into Heaven. So you can still sleep sound every night knowing that goal line defense is up at the pearly gates.

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#31. Much like Down Syndrome, red hair is a genetic mutation, and it occurs when a human has unprotected sex with a clown.

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#32. Men who don't understand women fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands.

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#33. Thank you ... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you ... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.

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#34. I wasn't a pain in the ass when I was a kid. So I think being a screw-up as an adult is way more acceptable.

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#35. I'm actually all for gay marriage. Just the thought of having a man around the house ...

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#36. How about we get rid of separate bathrooms for boys and girls? Gays and straights share the bathroom with zero issues. We need to put an end to the sexist pooping policies of yesterday. The only way to achieve gender equality is to start crapping in front of each other.

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#37. The flat-brimmed cap is the modern day dunce cap.

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#38. If you snort enough blow, any lane is a passing lane.

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#39. You know why they say that, that models are too skinny? Because parents are horrible, they can't tell their sixteen year old daughter she's not really a princess, well guess what, I can.

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#40. My father wanted me to have all the educational opportunities he never had ... so he sent me to a girls school.

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#41. Big, skinny, regular size it doesn't matter as long as your young.

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#42. You know who makes a great first impression? Liars.

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#43. Instead of dumping all my money on an independent film that nobody would watch and most people would make fun of behind my back, I decided, 'I'm just going to buy a house.'

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#44. One day, I want to get rich enough so that every time I walk into a room I can release a dozen doves.

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#45. Saw myself naked in front of a mirror a couple days ago - that's not the joke, that's what we called the setup. I saw myself naked, and I said, 'Holy cow, I'm 'The White Man.' I've heard a lot of bad things about you, cracka.

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#46. I guess it could be seen as a form of rebellion, but (my dad) is pretty supportive. He's knows I'm just an idiot, so I think that softens it a little bit.

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#47. You know what really shuts up a bully? Learning how to build a pipe-bomb!

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#48. High school is just like glee, a bunch of people dying of drug overdose.

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#49. I came up with my own expression. I like to make it hail. Yeah. That's when you throw change on sluts.

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#50. If it weren't for men, this planet would be overrun with giant spiders.

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#51. I worked in Toronto for two days. And by work I mean sit in a trailer for 15 hours, say two lines, and leave.

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#52. My excuse for everything is that I grew up in Florida.

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#53. You know who likes to get fisted? Sock puppets.

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#54. The great thing about Los Angeles is that you can get so much money in this town by constantly failing. You can get a lot of television deals that don't go anywhere, but you still get paid.

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#55. I will shut down Instagram so girls can't use filters into tricking us that they are that pretty; you're eyes aren't that blue, and you don't glow.

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#56. It's funny ... you can make fun of AIDS or Haiti, but if you make fun of some starlet in Hollywood's looks? That's like the one thing ... the line you are not to cross.

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#57. I'm not a racist or misogynist person, but I find these jokes funny, so I say them.

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#58. We owe it to our troops to let them sleep in their own beds, wake up in the morning, have a delicious breakfast, and drive to war.

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#59. I graduated from college and went on one job interview and was laughing in my own head because I wouldn't hire me.

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#60. Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work. Yep.

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#61. I'm a homer, so the closer [I perform] to my house the better. If I could get crowds to gather around my bed, that would be ideal. I also like doing stand-up in places that I can surf, snowboard, or anywhere that I have a pregnancy scare.

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#62. Never trust anyone who buttons their top button.

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#63. I'm also not good with numbers either, so it's not a great mix. People apparently don't want you ball-parkin' it when it comes to their finances.

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#64. Real patriotism is realizing America sucks, but everywhere else is a thousand times worse.

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#65. I wanna get rich enough in life that I can afford to release a dozen doves every time I walk into a room. You know people would be like, 'Did you see that guy come out of the bathroom? The one with doves, it was beautiful.'

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#66. I've always thought having a kid that played soccer would be the worst punishment. After watching 3 min of water polo I stand corrected.

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#67. Now it's time for amasians ... That's Asians doing something amazing.

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#68. Until I see proof of this reincarnation or cloning, I'm gonna live up this life. That was kinda the path I took. But I fulfilled my obligations.

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#69. If you had to eat another human to survive, do you think they'd taste like their ethnic background?

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#70. I hope we find a cure for every major disease, because I'm tired of walking 5K. I'm pretty sure I don't have to sweat for cancer. I'll write a check.

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#71. Every video from Russia is depressing, it's like they have their cameras set to sad.

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#72. I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying.

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#73. I like my women like I like my coffee. I don't like coffee.

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#74. I don't know what's funny and what's not so I test out all of my material in front of audiences.

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#75. Face down, ass up, that's the way we both got stuck

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#76. Even the klan revamped their image by losing the hoods and changing their name to the Tea Party.

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#77. I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed.

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#78. Oh, southern rappers ... so hard to write a rhyme when you only know 30 words.

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#79. You know your girlfriend is too young when she'll do everything in bed but go upside down because it's too scary.

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#80. Have you heard about the morning after pill, or what I like to call breakfast in bed. Well have you heard about how some of the girls who have taken have died a few days later? Talk about two birds, looks like I will be going to the game this weekend boys.

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#81. I think it's kinda funny that all these rappers that used to be gangsters and thugs are telling us not to download their music from the internet, because that's stealing. Wow talk about ironic.

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#82. I was drinking tea the other day, and I thought: they used to fight wars over this.

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#83. I do think we can be a little less PC when it comes to sports, though. Just once I want to hear an announcer go 'God, black people are fast. Holy cow! All of them. They're fast. Back to you Bob.'

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#84. Canadians complain too much. 'I like seasons.' So do I; that's why I live in a place that skips the [unpleasant] ones.

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#85. E foundation to a good friendship is trust but the foundation to good comedy is by betraying your friends.

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#86. I think if you're gonna get a tattoo, just get one: the words, 'I'm dumb.' That's it. That way in 10 years, when you go, 'Why did I get this?,' you can be like, 'Oh, I'm dumb!'

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#87. If no meant no then every man would die a virgin.

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#88. I'm not saying I'm smarter than Steve Jobs was, but I would have made the iPhone charger cord twice as long.

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#89. Stop saying you're not racist because you have a friend that's black. That's like saying you're not a pedophile because you have a friend that's a kid.

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#90. I will not date a woman from China, because that is a big red flag.

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#91. I don't know what fire is made of - hell nobody does. All I know is that fire is awesome. I'm not a pyromaniac, but I am a pyroenthusiast.

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#92. You know what really keeps your staff on their toes? A harpoon gun.

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#93. Scattergories is second base for Christians.

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#94. Sometimes I cross my own line ... it's how I know I still have one.

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#95. God does not hate gay people. He's just mad because they found a loophole in His system.

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#96. No touching ... Cashmere is highly sensitive to the oil in poor people's fingers.

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#97. I go to the dentist every six months, I get a cleaning, so ... I'm fortunate enough that those fluoride treatments as a child worked. Not getting any cavities.

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#98. The only thing better than the world's cutest cat is any dog.

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#99. The only thing surfers have in common with the rest of America is they're unemployed and they love crystal meth.

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#100. I'm not honest, but you're interesting!

Daniel Tosh