Daniel Tosh Tosh O Quotes

#1. I graduated from college and went on one job interview and was laughing in my own head because I wouldn't hire me.

Daniel Tosh

#2. I love people of all ethnicities, as long as they're not ugly.

Daniel Tosh

#3. God does not hate gay people. He's just mad because they found a loophole in His system.

Daniel Tosh

#4. No touching ... Cashmere is highly sensitive to the oil in poor people's fingers.

Daniel Tosh

#5. I go to the dentist every six months, I get a cleaning, so ... I'm fortunate enough that those fluoride treatments as a child worked. Not getting any cavities.

Daniel Tosh

#6. The only thing better than the world's cutest cat is any dog.

Daniel Tosh

#7. The only thing surfers have in common with the rest of America is they're unemployed and they love crystal meth.

Daniel Tosh

#8. I'm not honest, but you're interesting!

Daniel Tosh

#9. Real patriotism is realizing America sucks, but everywhere else is a thousand times worse.

Daniel Tosh

#10. My excuse for everything is that I grew up in Florida.

Daniel Tosh

#11. You know who likes to get fisted? Sock puppets.

Daniel Tosh

#12. The great thing about Los Angeles is that you can get so much money in this town by constantly failing. You can get a lot of television deals that don't go anywhere, but you still get paid.

Daniel Tosh

#13. I will shut down Instagram so girls can't use filters into tricking us that they are that pretty; you're eyes aren't that blue, and you don't glow.

Daniel Tosh

#14. It's funny ... you can make fun of AIDS or Haiti, but if you make fun of some starlet in Hollywood's looks? That's like the one thing ... the line you are not to cross.

Daniel Tosh

#15. I'm not a racist or misogynist person, but I find these jokes funny, so I say them.

Daniel Tosh

#16. We owe it to our troops to let them sleep in their own beds, wake up in the morning, have a delicious breakfast, and drive to war.

Daniel Tosh

#17. Stop saying you're not racist because you have a friend that's black. That's like saying you're not a pedophile because you have a friend that's a kid.

Daniel Tosh

#18. Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work. Yep.

Daniel Tosh

#19. I'm a homer, so the closer [I perform] to my house the better. If I could get crowds to gather around my bed, that would be ideal. I also like doing stand-up in places that I can surf, snowboard, or anywhere that I have a pregnancy scare.

Daniel Tosh

#20. Never trust anyone who buttons their top button.

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#21. I'm also not good with numbers either, so it's not a great mix. People apparently don't want you ball-parkin' it when it comes to their finances.

Daniel Tosh

#22. I worked in Toronto for two days. And by work I mean sit in a trailer for 15 hours, say two lines, and leave.

Daniel Tosh

#23. I wanna get rich enough in life that I can afford to release a dozen doves every time I walk into a room. You know people would be like, 'Did you see that guy come out of the bathroom? The one with doves, it was beautiful.'

Daniel Tosh

#24. I've always thought having a kid that played soccer would be the worst punishment. After watching 3 min of water polo I stand corrected.

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#25. Now it's time for amasians ... That's Asians doing something amazing.

Daniel Tosh

#26. Until I see proof of this reincarnation or cloning, I'm gonna live up this life. That was kinda the path I took. But I fulfilled my obligations.

Daniel Tosh

#27. If you had to eat another human to survive, do you think they'd taste like their ethnic background?

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#28. I hope we find a cure for every major disease, because I'm tired of walking 5K. I'm pretty sure I don't have to sweat for cancer. I'll write a check.

Daniel Tosh

#29. Every video from Russia is depressing, it's like they have their cameras set to sad.

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#30. I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying.

Daniel Tosh

#31. I like my women like I like my coffee. I don't like coffee.

Daniel Tosh

#32. Face down, ass up, that's the way we both got stuck

Daniel Tosh