Tosh's Quotes

#1. Anything you want to know about Kingston's green versus orange war, everything you ever need to know about the rudeboy-cum-gunman is not in Bob Marley's lyrics or in Peter Tosh's but in Marty Robbins's "Big Iron." He's

Marlon James

#2. If the music does not penetrate the heart, the soul, the mind, and the body ... Then you ain't gon' feel it.

Peter Tosh

#3. How come everybody cheers when chicks flash their T&A, but when I pull out my D&Bs, i'm a registered sex offender.

Daniel Tosh

#4. If you like soccer, then welcome to America. See, our country already has entertainment so watching people chase a ball for four hours to end 0 - 0 is not enjoyable - unless, of course, the bleachers collapse and half of Europe dies.

Daniel Tosh

#5. Girls can fake orgasms, but boys can fake love.

Daniel Tosh

#6. I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it.

Daniel Tosh

#7. The day I notice a cyclist obey a stop sign is the day I'll stop enjoying watching them bounce off my hood.

Daniel Tosh

#8. I don't think I could stab somebody, cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun.

Daniel Tosh

#9. I assume the only reason we have them is so that white people feel relevant in sports. Because other than that the only thing the winter Olympics show me is which country has more rich white kids. What's it cost to go skiing - $900 a day? I can't believe that's not more popular in the inner cities.

Daniel Tosh

#10. I feel bad sometimes because I secretly hope New Orleans gets nailed again.

Daniel Tosh

#11. I was always unfailingly polite to Ladon-Tosh. I didn't care if he never looked at me or spoke to me. I just wanted him to know that he had a friend in me.

David Baldacci

#12. You are a sick freak who should be beaten.

Daniel Tosh

#13. I never want to cannibalize my act, and I'm really excited that I am going to be able to perform new material. I'm not a huge fan of repeating jokes, and I don't really do any of my old material from old stand-up acts.

Daniel Tosh

#14. Maybe everyone doesn't deserve a second chance. If I can be perfect why can't you?

Daniel Tosh

#15. I don't owe no one no obligation, and no one owe me none so every 'ting is fine.

Peter Tosh

#16. I want to have complete control over every media so that when I make my record I put on it what I want to put on it. Not what society wants me to put on it.

Peter Tosh

#17. Ben Roethlisberger is Tim Tebow minus Jesus.

Daniel Tosh

#18. You know why they say that, that models are too skinny? Because parents are horrible, they can't tell their sixteen year old daughter she's not really a princess, well guess what, I can.

Daniel Tosh

#19. I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed.

Daniel Tosh

#20. Oh, southern rappers ... so hard to write a rhyme when you only know 30 words.

Daniel Tosh

#21. You know your girlfriend is too young when she'll do everything in bed but go upside down because it's too scary.

Daniel Tosh

#22. Have you heard about the morning after pill, or what I like to call breakfast in bed. Well have you heard about how some of the girls who have taken have died a few days later? Talk about two birds, looks like I will be going to the game this weekend boys.

Daniel Tosh

#23. I think it's kinda funny that all these rappers that used to be gangsters and thugs are telling us not to download their music from the internet, because that's stealing. Wow talk about ironic.

Daniel Tosh

#24. I was drinking tea the other day, and I thought: they used to fight wars over this.

Daniel Tosh

#25. I do think we can be a little less PC when it comes to sports, though. Just once I want to hear an announcer go 'God, black people are fast. Holy cow! All of them. They're fast. Back to you Bob.'

Daniel Tosh

#26. Canadians complain too much. 'I like seasons.' So do I; that's why I live in a place that skips the [unpleasant] ones.

Daniel Tosh

#27. Sure I may look adjusted, but I can't function in normal society because most of you are too stupid.

Daniel Tosh

#28. Saw myself naked in front of a mirror a couple days ago - that's not the joke, that's what we called the setup. I saw myself naked, and I said, 'Holy cow, I'm 'The White Man.' I've heard a lot of bad things about you, cracka.

Daniel Tosh

#29. I guess it could be seen as a form of rebellion, but (my dad) is pretty supportive. He's knows I'm just an idiot, so I think that softens it a little bit.

Daniel Tosh

#30. You know what really shuts up a bully? Learning how to build a pipe-bomb!

Daniel Tosh

#31. What the Rastaman represents is positivity.

Peter Tosh

#32. High school is just like glee, a bunch of people dying of drug overdose.

Daniel Tosh

#33. I would love to do something like 'Tosh.0,' where I host Internet clips. I did host 'Talk Soup,' which is similar. I love doing that, making fun of video clips on the Internet.

Cassandra Peterson

#34. Peace is a certificate you get in the grave.

Peter Tosh

#35. My publisher, who was so good as a taster and editor, when she became a writer, lo and behold, it was all this feminine tosh.

V.S. Naipaul

#36. I came up with my own expression. I like to make it hail. Yeah. That's when you throw change on sluts.

Daniel Tosh

#37. If it weren't for men, this planet would be overrun with giant spiders.

Daniel Tosh

#38. You should never eat when you're on the toilet. "But I'm lactose-intolerant, and I always wanted to enjoy a bowl of Puffins with whole milk!" That's more of an almond milk cereal, but live
your dream.

Daniel Tosh

#39. I have high-definition television, because I felt the lack of resolution was affecting my ability to solve cases on C.S.I.

Daniel Tosh

#40. E foundation to a good friendship is trust but the foundation to good comedy is by betraying your friends.

Daniel Tosh

#41. Describe your perfect man who looks like me ...

Daniel Tosh

#42. I started my own foundation. If you aren't familiar with it, it's called 'Febreezing the homeless.' Who would you rather give money to: a man that smells 4like liquiid garbage, or ocean breeze?

Daniel Tosh

#43. The only advice I have for youth is to date outside your race. I just think it's so cute when I see little kids in interracial relationships; it makes me feel like I'm watching a commercial.

Daniel Tosh

#44. I'm a Bad Test Taker ... you mean you're stupid?

Daniel Tosh

#45. Let's be honest: it's not like I'm not making a good living that the whole family benefits from. No one talks about my foul mouth when we're all in Aspen for Christmas.

Daniel Tosh

#46. I have no idea why people want to watch puppets be the slightly meaner version of the weirdo holding them. It's beyond my comprehension.

Daniel Tosh

#47. I feel good to know that they recognize the potential of reggae music. And they are exposing it to the world, letting the world hear how beautiful reggae music can be.

Peter Tosh

#48. You don't gossip while your man is driving. You sit there quietly until you're about 5 minutes from your destination then you say, would you like some road head?

Daniel Tosh

#49. No one dies a virgin, Life screws us all

Daniel Tosh

#50. The only reason Woodstock was necessary is because they didn't have iTunes.

Daniel Tosh

#51. I grew up in Florida and went to school there, and ended up going to University of Central Florida.

Daniel Tosh

#52. It is only the TRUTH that can make a man FREE, it is only the TRUTH that can make a man LIVE.

Peter Tosh

#53. I will shut down Instagram so girls can't use filters into tricking us that they are that pretty; you're eyes aren't that blue, and you don't glow.

Daniel Tosh

#54. It's funny ... you can make fun of AIDS or Haiti, but if you make fun of some starlet in Hollywood's looks? That's like the one thing ... the line you are not to cross.

Daniel Tosh

#55. I'm not a racist or misogynist person, but I find these jokes funny, so I say them.

Daniel Tosh

#56. We owe it to our troops to let them sleep in their own beds, wake up in the morning, have a delicious breakfast, and drive to war.

Daniel Tosh

#57. I graduated from college and went on one job interview and was laughing in my own head because I wouldn't hire me.

Daniel Tosh

#58. Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work. Yep.

Daniel Tosh

#59. I'm a homer, so the closer [I perform] to my house the better. If I could get crowds to gather around my bed, that would be ideal. I also like doing stand-up in places that I can surf, snowboard, or anywhere that I have a pregnancy scare.

Daniel Tosh

#60. Never trust anyone who buttons their top button.

Daniel Tosh

#61. I'm also not good with numbers either, so it's not a great mix. People apparently don't want you ball-parkin' it when it comes to their finances.

Daniel Tosh

#62. I worked in Toronto for two days. And by work I mean sit in a trailer for 15 hours, say two lines, and leave.

Daniel Tosh

#63. I wanna get rich enough in life that I can afford to release a dozen doves every time I walk into a room. You know people would be like, 'Did you see that guy come out of the bathroom? The one with doves, it was beautiful.'

Daniel Tosh

#64. I've always thought having a kid that played soccer would be the worst punishment. After watching 3 min of water polo I stand corrected.

Daniel Tosh

#65. Legalize it, and I will advertise it.

Peter Tosh

#66. Now it's time for amasians ... That's Asians doing something amazing.

Daniel Tosh

#67. Until I see proof of this reincarnation or cloning, I'm gonna live up this life. That was kinda the path I took. But I fulfilled my obligations.

Daniel Tosh

#68. If you had to eat another human to survive, do you think they'd taste like their ethnic background?

Daniel Tosh

#69. I hope we find a cure for every major disease, because I'm tired of walking 5K. I'm pretty sure I don't have to sweat for cancer. I'll write a check.

Daniel Tosh

#70. Every video from Russia is depressing, it's like they have their cameras set to sad.

Daniel Tosh

#71. I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying.

Daniel Tosh

#72. I like my women like I like my coffee. I don't like coffee.

Daniel Tosh

#73. My philosophy is: if you don't bear a cross, you can't wear a crown so you gotta go through some form of humiliation to reach tribulation.

Peter Tosh

#74. I don't know what's funny and what's not so I test out all of my material in front of audiences.

Daniel Tosh

#75. Face down, ass up, that's the way we both got stuck

Daniel Tosh

#76. Stop saying you're not racist because you have a friend that's black. That's like saying you're not a pedophile because you have a friend that's a kid.

Daniel Tosh

#77. Sometimes I cross my own line ... it's how I know I still have one.

Daniel Tosh

#78. How old is the sun? Sun not temporary, not chronological. There is the terra-celestial and the celestial. I am celestial, mon. I am here, there and everywhere. I live among men so I must adjust myself. When I go to other planet, I must adjust myself there, too, mon.

Peter Tosh

#79. If no meant no then every man would die a virgin.

Daniel Tosh

#80. I don't need no peace. I need equal rights and justice.

Peter Tosh

#81. I'm not saying I'm smarter than Steve Jobs was, but I would have made the iPhone charger cord twice as long.

Daniel Tosh

#82. Even the klan revamped their image by losing the hoods and changing their name to the Tea Party.

Daniel Tosh

#83. My songs is hard stuff which politicians don't want on them radio station because they still want people to live in ignorancy.

Peter Tosh

#84. I will not date a woman from China, because that is a big red flag.

Daniel Tosh

#85. Load of old tosh," said Peter, crossly.

Neil Gaiman

#86. I don't know what fire is made of - hell nobody does. All I know is that fire is awesome. I'm not a pyromaniac, but I am a pyroenthusiast.

Daniel Tosh

#87. You know what really keeps your staff on their toes? A harpoon gun.

Daniel Tosh

#88. Scattergories is second base for Christians.

Daniel Tosh

#89. I think if you're gonna get a tattoo, just get one: the words, 'I'm dumb.' That's it. That way in 10 years, when you go, 'Why did I get this?,' you can be like, 'Oh, I'm dumb!'

Daniel Tosh

#90. God does not hate gay people. He's just mad because they found a loophole in His system.

Daniel Tosh

#91. No touching ... Cashmere is highly sensitive to the oil in poor people's fingers.

Daniel Tosh

#92. I go to the dentist every six months, I get a cleaning, so ... I'm fortunate enough that those fluoride treatments as a child worked. Not getting any cavities.

Daniel Tosh

#93. The only thing better than the world's cutest cat is any dog.

Daniel Tosh

#94. The only thing surfers have in common with the rest of America is they're unemployed and they love crystal meth.

Daniel Tosh

#95. I'm not honest, but you're interesting!

Daniel Tosh

#96. I think many of the boundaries that convention has placed upon us are arbitrary, so we can fiddle with them if we fancy. Gravity's hard to dispute, and breathing, but a lot of things we instinctively obey are a lot of old tosh.

Russell Brand

#97. Real patriotism is realizing America sucks, but everywhere else is a thousand times worse.

Daniel Tosh

#98. My excuse for everything is that I grew up in Florida.

Daniel Tosh

#99. You know who likes to get fisted? Sock puppets.

Daniel Tosh

#100. The great thing about Los Angeles is that you can get so much money in this town by constantly failing. You can get a lot of television deals that don't go anywhere, but you still get paid.

Daniel Tosh