Top 100 Colbert Stephen Quotes
#2. Dreams can change, if we all stuck with our first dreams there would be a lot of cowboys and princesses running around.
Stephen Colbert
#3. It's no surprise I am addicted to all the Republican presidential candidates. They are like crack
in that they will devastate black communities.
Stephen Colbert
#4. I'd like to leave you with a bit of wisdom I picked up from a documentary I saw this weekend: Mad Max: Fury Road. All you young people really need to succeed in the future is a reliable source of fuel and a fanatical cadre of psychopathic motorcycle killers.
Stephen Colbert
#5. Here's an easy way to figure out if you're in a cult: If you're wondering whether you're in a cult, the answer is yes.
Stephen Colbert
#7. Hey yogurt, if you're so cultured, how come I never see you at the opera?
Stephen Colbert
#8. I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin. If that ever happens, it's only because something happened during the interview that got me going, and then I had to translate my feelings to the mouth of the character.
Stephen Colbert
#10. If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we've got to acknowledge that He commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition and then admit that we just don't want to do it.
Stephen Colbert
#11. I don't perceive my role as a newsman at all. I'm a comedian from stem to stern. You can cut me open and count the rings of jokes.
Stephen Colbert
#12. I like being boring to a certain extent. I don't have to be flashy. I get to put all of that into a show, and when it's over, I don't have to be that.
Stephen Colbert
#13. Well China, you got us. Phelps was doping - and he still beat you. He smoked the sticky-icky, and then he smoked your ass!
Stephen Colbert
#15. I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving. Or, as it's known to Native Americans - Sarcastic You're Welcomesgiving.
Stephen Colbert
#16. Try to love others and serve others and hopefully find those who love and serve you in return.
Stephen Colbert
#17. You have to have a passionate opinion; otherwise you sound false. You end up telling the audience jokes they've already heard.
Stephen Colbert
#18. Don't be afraid to make things up. Never fear being exposed as a fraud. Experts make things up all the time. They're qualified to.
Stephen Colbert
#19. If Corporations are people, I guarantee you that a government of those people, by those people, and for those people will continue to exist.
Stephen Colbert
#20. I don't want someone shoving his views down my throat, unless they're covered in a crunchy candy shell.
Stephen Colbert
#21. You can't spell "parentry" without "try." Of course, you'll make a few mistakes. The important thing is that the mistakes you make with your kids are the same ones your parents made with you. At least you know how those turn out.
Stephen Colbert
#22. America cannot afford a rally to restore sanity in the middle of a recession. Did you even consider how many panic-related jobs that might cost us in the fear-industrial complex?
Stephen Colbert
#23. But children are our future!' Yes, but does that not also mean that we are their past? I don't understand why we're helping them. You don't see union factory workers throwing a benefit for robots.
Stephen Colbert
#24. They said you can't go to the moon. They said you can't put cheese inside a pizza crust, but NASA did it. They had to, because the cheese kept floating off in space.
Stephen Colbert
#25. I'm a simple man with a simple mind. I hold a simple set of beliefs that I live by. Number one, I believe in America. I believe it exists. My gut tells me I live there. I feel that it extends from the Atlantic to the Pacific, and I strongly believe it has 50 states.
Stephen Colbert
#26. 'Sympathy for the Devil' is just another way of saying 'Compassionate Conservative'.
Stephen Colbert
#27. All weather is sin-related. Lust causes thunder, anger causes fog, and you don't want to know what causes dew.
Stephen Colbert
#28. Truthiness is what you want the facts to be as opposed to what the facts are. What feels like the right answer as opposed to what reality will support.
Stephen Colbert
#29. We're not talking about truth, we're talking about something that seems like truth - the truth we want to exist.
Stephen Colbert
#30. Take the platypus - that is not a finished product. It is clearly still in beta.
Stephen Colbert
#31. I believe all God's creatures have a soul ... except bears, bears are Godless killing machines!
Stephen Colbert
#32. Good satire goes beyond the specific point it's trying to make and teaches you how to think critically. Even after your favorite cartoonist retires or [Stephen] Colbert wraps it up, you're not left believing everything they're telling you.
Aaron McGruder
#33. Any religion whose messiah's name
isn't recognized by Microsoft Word can't be that much of
a threat.
Stephen Colbert
#34. Once I'm performing the show, I think that hour show has a certain intimacy with our audience. And that intimacy is through the lens and the live audience is a witness to that, whereas the audience at home is actually the object of my efforts.
Stephen Colbert
#35. I love the earth. If you ask me it's the greatest planet in the world.
Stephen Colbert
#37. An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.
Stephen Colbert
#38. My favorite off-camera memory of Jon Stewart is watching him jump from the second level of a tuna tower into the waters off Grand Cayman.
Stephen Colbert
#39. Turn up your hearing aid 'Grandpa', because I'm only going to say this once!
Stephen Colbert
#40. I'll make fun of anybody. We're all about falling down and going boom on camera.
Stephen Colbert
#41. If you repeat it, it's true. If you repeat it, it's true. And through repetition, something becomes true. If you repeat it enough. Until it becomes true. Or do I need to repeat that for you?
Stephen Colbert
#42. This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.
Stephen Colbert
#43. Class is a way of looking at society that divides people into different categories based on how much money they're willing to make.
Stephen Colbert
#44. If you imitate someone, you owe them a royalty check. If you emulate them, you don't. There's a big difference. Check your lawyer.
Stephen Colbert
#46. I live by syllogisms: God is love. Love is blind. Stevie Wonder is blind. Therefore, Stevie Wonder is God. I don't know what I'd believe in if it wasn't for that.
Stephen Colbert
#47. Today, folks, should be all about love. Unless you're old.
Stephen Colbert
#48. Pissing off PETA is as easy as pie. Delicious kitten pie.
Stephen Colbert
#49. Why were you happier when you were a kid? Because you didn't know anything. The more you know, the sadder you get.
Stephen Colbert
#50. I have a mug that actually verifies that I'm the world's best dad. That's a mug. That's not me talking. You can't just buy those.
Stephen Colbert
#51. My father always wanted to be 'Col-bear.' He lived in the same town as his father, and his father didn't like the idea of the name with the French pronunciation. So my father said to us, 'Do what you want. You're not going to offend anybody.' And he was dead long before I made my decision.
Stephen Colbert
#52. Take away the Big Bang and what has God done? Burned a bush and got a girl pregnant. Great, he's a high school junior.
Stephen Colbert
#53. Summer movie idea: take all the sequels that are out right now, and make movies about their backstories.
Stephen Colbert
#54. Researchers from Britain's Keele University have found that swearing after an injury may help alleviate pain. Evidently, the pain that you feel is inversely proportional to the number of middle names you give Jesus.
Stephen Colbert
#55. We all deserve credit for this new surveillance state that we live in because we the people voted for the Patriot Act. Democrats and Republicans alike ... We voted for the people who voted for it, and then voted for the people who reauthorized it, then voted for the people who re-re-authorize d it.
Stephen Colbert
#56. Ignorance is bliss-Oedipus ruined a great sex life by asking too many questions.
Stephen Colbert
#57. Cain understands domestic issues because he had experience selling pizza; and he understands international issues because pizza is Italian.
Stephen Colbert
#58. Don't get me wrong. Being a mom is no picnic. Raising the kids is the mother's
responsibility. It's a thankless, solitary job, like sheriff or Pope.
Stephen Colbert
#59. Warning: I may contain more than a trace amount of nut.
Stephen Colbert
#60. If Jesus doesn't have a sense of humor, I am in huge trouble.
Stephen Colbert
#61. Never throw caution to the wind. It could whip back into your eyes and blind you.
Stephen Colbert
#62. I just think Rosa Parks was overrated. Last time I checked, she got famous for breaking the law.
Stephen Colbert
#64. If Obama can force you to get health insurance just by calling it a tax, than there is nothing to stop him from making you gay marry an illegal immigrant wearing a condom on a hydroponic pot farm powered by solar energy.
Stephen Colbert
#65. I'm not here to affect you politically or socially. I'm here to make you laugh. I use the news as the palette for my jokes.
Stephen Colbert
#66. Vodka eyeballing sounds great, but it's a
slippery slope. Next, you'll be scotch nostriling, tequila nippling and,
before you know it, Jager tainting.
Stephen Colbert
#67. I've long been against illegal aliens, partly because they distract us from an even bigger threat: real aliens.
Stephen Colbert
#68. You can't really be passionately moderate. It's like wearing an 'Extra Medium' - it doesn't exist.
Stephen Colbert
#69. All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It's only the dogs who've accepted Christ.
Stephen Colbert
#70. Other people's deconstruction of your motivations doesn't help you do what you do. You can't swallow and think about swallowing at the same time.
Stephen Colbert
#71. I have a doctorate in fine arts from Knox College in Illinois. All I did was give a speech, and now everybody has to call me Dr. Colbert.
Stephen Colbert
#72. I'm livin' high on the hog, and let me tell you, hogs make a terrible foundation.
Stephen Colbert
#73. When I got to 'The Daily Show,' they asked me to have a political opinion. It turned out that I had one, but I didn't realize quite how liberal I was until I was asked to make passionate comedic choices as opposed to necessarily successful comedic choices.
Stephen Colbert
#74. I used to write things for friends. There was this girl I had a crush on, and she had a teacher she didn't like at school. I had a real crush on her, so almost every day I would write her a little short story where she would kill him in a different way.
Stephen Colbert
#75. If you think you can lead your flock of sheeple and peeps to some glorified noodle fest on the mall, you got another thing coming, mister.
Stephen Colbert
#76. The only thing that gets me high is the musky scent of my enemy's fear
Stephen Colbert
#77. If poor people want food stamps, they should become massive corporations.
Stephen Colbert
#79. I believe in pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps. I believe it is possible - I saw this guy do it once in Cirque du Soleil. It was magical.
Stephen Colbert
#80. I'm disappointed that my own Catholic Church has decided that capital punishment is wrong. Which is pretty hypocritical if you think about it, because they wouldn't even have a religion if it wasn't for capital punishment.
Stephen Colbert
#81. There's nothing more I love than McDonald's dollar menu. With just the change I find between my couch cushions, I can eat something with the nutritional value of a couch cushion.
Stephen Colbert
#82. Yes, helping the poor helps keep them stuck in poverty. As Jesus said, 'Tough love thy neighbor as thyself, get your own loaves and fishes.'
Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert
#83. If I had a dime for everytime that I was wrong, I'd be broke.
Stephen Colbert
#84. If someone does offer you a job, say 'yes.' You can always quit later. Then at least you'll be one of the unemployed as opposed to one of the never-employed. Nothing looks worse on a resume than nothing.
Stephen Colbert
#85. Naturally the U.S. trails in gold medals because every time we win one, we hand it over to the Chinese to pay off our debt.
Stephen Colbert
#86. Divorce is a marital welfare. It's just couples asking society to bail them out because they didn't do enough research before they got married. How is that our fault? Don't drag down my country's statistics just because you ran off and got hitched before you ever saw each other in a bad mood.
Stephen Colbert
#87. On this show, your voice will be heard - in the form of my voice.
Stephen Colbert
#88. I have a generally liberal audience, but they will applaud when I nail a liberal lion.
Stephen Colbert
#89. I am no fan of books. And chances are, if you're reading this, you and I share a healthy skepticism about the printed word. Well, I want you to know that this is the first book I've ever written, and I hope it's the first book you've ever read. Don't make a habit of it.
Stephen Colbert
#90. I can't be gay! I'm a happily married conservative, just like Ted Haggard and Larry Craig.
Stephen Colbert
#91. Liberals want to burn the flag, but progressives just want to microwave it?
Stephen Colbert
#92. I did learn something interesting [while at the Atlanta airport]. You have to be a member of the TSA in order to legally perform a cavity search. My apologies to the staff of Cinnabon, but you guys should really keep that extra frosting where the customers can find it.
Stephen Colbert
#93. Laughter brings the swelling down on our national psyche.
Stephen Colbert
#94. My grandfather did not travel across 4,000 miles of the Atlantic Ocean to see this country overrun by immigrants. He did it because he killed a man back in Ireland.
Stephen Colbert
#95. Even the weather page is in a state of moral decay. What?s wrong with red, white and blue, USA Today? This rainbow weather map is just another example of the homometerological agenda.
Stephen Colbert
#96. No one has any idea what's going to happen. Not even Elon Musk. That's why he's building those rockets. He wants a 'Plan B' on another world.
Stephen Colbert
#97. There is no food closer to my heart than cheese. In fact, according to my doctor, it has nearly filled my aorta.
Stephen Colbert
#98. Science literacy is an important part of what it is to be an informed citizen of society.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson
#99. Of course! Jeb Bush! America is hungry for another leader from that talented family!
Stephen Colbert
#100. Yes, Dr. King is pro-gun just as surely as Jesus would be pro-nails.
Stephen Colbert
Famous Authors
Popular Topics
Scroll to Top
