Top 100 Chelsea Handler Quotes
#3. Marie Antoinette was funny, I'm sure she was just misinterpreted. You know the 'Let them eat cake' line. She seems like she was kind of funny, like a Chelsea Handler or Kathy Griffin type.
Colin Quinn
#5. As the youngest of six kids, I grew up spending summers on Martha's Vineyard, and I was always topless. All the pictures are of me in jean shorts, no shirt - with my brothers, playing football.
Chelsea Handler
#7. I wanted to be a comedian, I wanted people to laugh at what I was saying, not to be staring at my boobs or wearing a skirt and show off my ... I just didn't think that that was the best way to get taken seriously in that world.
Chelsea Handler
#8. Travel Etiquette: When dealing with foreigners, pretend you are Canadian.
Chelsea Handler
#9. There's tons of information on the Internet, so if you type in cancer, they'll give you 15, 000 different options to get involved with cancer. It's very easy to get involved if you want to get involved, especially to volunteer your time.
Chelsea Handler
#10. My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.
Chelsea Handler
#12. Paris Hilton has launched a new champagne in a can called Rich Prosecco. For the ad campaign Paris posed wearing nothing but gold paint. That's a unique way to cover up herpes.
Chelsea Handler
#13. George Clooney and Fabio apparently got into a scuffle at a restaurant in Los Angeles over the weekend. George thought the women with Fabio were taking pictures of him. How embarrassed is George Clooney to be in a fight with Fabio? Who is he going to call out next, Lorenzo Lamas?
Chelsea Handler
#14. For the gay and lesbian community, even though I'm not gay I think its really important to speak out for people that aren't necessarily dealing with the same circumstances you're dealing with and don't have the benefit of the health care system or the government that you do.
Chelsea Handler
#15. I don't have a lot of shame. That doesn't mean I can't feel bad about the way someone reacts to me or about something I read about myself online. But I don't have a lot of guilt, no. I've always been this way. I'm missing a chip.
Chelsea Handler
#17. My mother is the antithesis of a typical Jewish mother, she is very soft-spoken and takes more naps that a cat. As a result, I've always longed for someone to really annoy the shit out of me.
Chelsea Handler
#18. Once I turned 40, my whole life changed in the most mature - not boring way but much cooler way. I feel much more like an adult.
Chelsea Handler
#19. Everything isn't permanent, so don't pretend that it is. Everything's supposed to move and shift.
Chelsea Handler
#20. Personally, I felt terrible for telling Truth my name was Schnitzeldoodle. I still think about it. Sometimes I just have to rock myself back and forth and say, You've offended so many people at this point. Don't try to keep track now, girl.
Chelsea Handler
#21. I'd sooner go through with a pregnancy than spend a night alone in my house knowing there was a snake in the yard.
Chelsea Handler
#22. How do you think jail was?! I got face raped by a woman ... and I think I may have liked it.
Chelsea Handler
#23. She had Nick Lachey's body, a deep voice, very small boobies, and a crew cut. It would have come as no surprise if she had walked into the backyard to compete in a rock-hurling competition after dinner.
Chelsea Handler
#24. I don't understand what apps are on my phone. Why do they ask for passwords? Why do they all ask for different passwords? It's so frustrating that I end up just reading a book every time I try to go online.
Chelsea Handler
#25. I'm a ridiculous person. If you take anything any comedian says seriously, then you're stupid.
Chelsea Handler
#27. People tend to call me names that I can't repeat on basic cable. I will give you a hint. They rhyme with itch, hunt, & bore.
Chelsea Handler
#28. This kind of mixing of ingredients happens all the time at fast-food places ... You know when you order french fries and there's a rogue onion ring at the bottom. You know, at first you're alarmed but you eat it. It all comes from the same place! You just have to go for it.
Chelsea Handler
#29. I find it very annoying when people want to sit next to each other at a booth.
Chelsea Handler
#30. I would never get married while my father is still alive because I wouldn't want him to walk me down the aisle.
Chelsea Handler
#31. Network TV is so limiting. There are so many parameters.
Chelsea Handler
#32. Tara Reid is charging $3,500 for a personal appearance fee. So, for only $3,500 you can either buy a 1998 Jetta with 130,000 miles on it ... or Tara Reid, who only has 98,000 miles on her.
Chelsea Handler
#33. Choose the guy that's going to make you a better girl.
Chelsea Handler
#34. In these tough economic times, everybody has to cut back. I am down to three tabs of ecstasy a day.
Chelsea Handler
#35. I don't like speaking publicly when I don't have to be funny.
Chelsea Handler
#36. You can act, or you can't. I'm sure a lot of people who are serious about acting would disagree, but I'm not really worried about them.
Chelsea Handler
#37. Hispanics still have the highest rate amongst teens with babies so at least the future housekeeping is secure.
Chelsea Handler
#38. Every time I enter a country and have to write down my occupation at customs, I'm like, 'I don't know ... Author? Host? Writer? Stand-up?' I usually write 'author' - that's the safest bet.
Chelsea Handler
#39. I do think about marriage, but it's not the end-all goal.
Chelsea Handler
#40. I'm actually pretty good at tennis. Well, if I'm in the Special Olympics or something.
Chelsea Handler
#41. Everyone knows if you're going to take weed to school, you put it in your trapper keeper to keep it fresh.
Chelsea Handler
#42. I met my first midget in Mexico, and he was a waiter with a sombrero on his head, filled with chips and salsa. Like I was gonna let that guy get away - I don't think so.
Chelsea Handler
#44. Stand-up was my entree into the entertainment world. I didn't have to act out somebody else's words. I could just stand there with a microphone, and nobody would interrupt me. It's the most narcissistic thing you could probably do.
Chelsea Handler
#46. I never considered myself a supermodel or anything like that. I mean, I don't think I'm ugly. I have good days and bad days, and I like when I'm fit and lean and all of those things that any woman likes, but it's not the eye of the hurricane for me.
Chelsea Handler
#47. I hate when men think that money is gonna buy you happiness ... I mean, it helps.
Chelsea Handler
#48. If you talk about Lindsay Lohan for four or five days a week, you really can't bear to talk about her on the weekends.
Chelsea Handler
#50. I hate that people assume guys are the only ones to want sex. Girls want sex, too, and that shouldn't be a problem.
Chelsea Handler
#51. I think everyone's afraid of public speaking. There have been times where I've come out of my own show and been like, 'Oh, God, what am I doing?' ... You have to remind yourself that 'OK, I'm kind of a badass. I can handle it.'
Chelsea Handler
#52. The whole thing about my books and my life is that I create drama's always around me.
Chelsea Handler
#53. And last but not least, go for it. Go wherever you can afford to go with whomever you can get to go with you.
Chelsea Handler
#54. I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.
Chelsea Handler
#55. Why are babies allowed to cry when they wake up, but adults crying when they wake is frowned upon? Babies are permitted to act like assholes whenever they feel like it and no one blinks ...
Chelsea Handler
#56. I started my own business because my parents had no dowry for me, and I was worried. I ran it from their Martha Vineyard's summer house. I baby-sat for a 14-year-old boy all summer and was giving him time-outs, even though I was two years younger than him.
Chelsea Handler
#57. My mother agreed to aid my abuse of alcohol but only if I promised never to tell my newly converted Mormon sister, whose identity I had stolen.
Chelsea Handler
#58. It's true what they say about patience being a virtue; it just happens to be a virtue that I choose not to pursue.
Chelsea Handler
#59. No one has ever said to me 'go home and make a baby.' I have been told several times to go to Planned Parenthood and make the baby go away. Happy Hannukah.
Chelsea Handler
#60. I like the minute when I can get off the stage and go home, and I know I've done a good job.
Chelsea Handler
#61. A lot of people think that keying a car isn't the right way to get back at a guy. I disagree.
Chelsea Handler
#62. I tried to think of a worse experience I had had in my life, and all I could come up with was a James Franco art exhibit.
Chelsea Handler
#63. The big one was at least cute, and as annoying as she was, you couldn't get mad at a golden retriever.
Chelsea Handler
#64. Whoever calls and asks me to do stuff and obviously, with having your own TV show, people want you to get involved. They know you're a stand-up comedian so they're always looking for somebody funny to host an event.
Chelsea Handler
#65. If diamonds are a girl's best friend, I wonder if blood diamonds are a girl's best friend 5 days out of the month?
Chelsea Handler
#67. Anyone who is friends with Bill Clinton shouldn't be telling their wife about it.
Chelsea Handler
#69. There's times where you think, 'Gosh, what if nobody ever wants to hear what I have to say?'
Chelsea Handler
#70. We agreed on the basic Brazilian - right after I downed a Vicodin. I don't know who thought up waxing, but it was clearly the same person who invented Vicodin. Finally, the Tuesday of my
Chelsea Handler
#71. I always thought to myself, 'I don't want to be doing stand-up when I'm 40 years old.'
Chelsea Handler
#72. Christina Aguilera finally announced her pregnancy. Thanks for waiting until your third trimester to get the word out - why not just wait until you're crowning?
Chelsea Handler
#73. That's my biggest struggle, is maintaining a personal romantic relationship. It takes a lot of effort.
Chelsea Handler
#74. The saying that money doesn't buy you happiness is true. But it sure as fuck helps.
Chelsea Handler
#75. I love people who have such passion for complete nonsense.
Chelsea Handler
#76. Obviously its nice to give your time and especially when there is money being raised. It's rewarding.
Chelsea Handler
#77. When I look at all the people that I have working for me and the company I've started and all the people that benefit from it and have a living because of it, it's very motivating to continue to do it.
Chelsea Handler
#78. Even if times are tough and you're enduring a terrible heartache, it's important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person.
Chelsea Handler
#79. A federal grand jury is investigating allegations that David Copperfield raped, assaulted and threatened a woman he took to his private island in the Bahamas in July. What happened to the good old days when a guy would just saw you in half?
Chelsea Handler
#80. If you're a member of my family, whether immediate or extended, and you want to see my show, don't.
Chelsea Handler
#81. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are ridiculous-looking - especially her. They're so strange and charismatic and weird. It's pretty hard to take your eyes off them.
Chelsea Handler
#82. Along with the 97 percent of women who can see, I have never been a fan of redheaded men.
Chelsea Handler
#83. You know what they say, when one door closes, another Belvedere opens.
Chelsea Handler
#84. In fact, we'd discussed marriage on several occasions just because we seemed to get along so well, but after thinking long and hard, I realized it was not in my best interest to waste my first marriage on a gay man.
Chelsea Handler
#85. We spend so much money on these dresses that are terrible. And what do we get out of it? Nothing - a piece of chicken and a roll in the hay with her hillbilly cousin - no thank you. My family's very close; I can do that at home.
Chelsea Handler
#87. I have a question. Is it okay to drink while you're pregnant ... if you're planning on giving the baby up for adoption?
Chelsea Handler
#89. Everyone is coming from a place of fear and my feeling is stop being so afraid. If something doesn't work then that's fine at least then you know it doesn't work. Don't worry so much about it not working, you can always fix that.
Chelsea Handler
#90. If you are a drinker, always use a pseudonym when booking hotels. None of us really know what kind of mess we're going to leave behind, and there's no sense in getting banned from a resort you respect.
Chelsea Handler
#91. Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.
Chelsea Handler
#92. They travel in groups. You never see an Asian by their self.
Chelsea Handler
#93. I had a therapist once tell me to "sit with my shit," and I believe that to be a necessary evil of being constantly disappointed.
Chelsea Handler
#97. First of all, who cares if people hate you? There's always a guarantee that certain people will dislike you. There's never any guarantee that anyone will like you. So if anyone likes you at all, you've already won.
Chelsea Handler
#98. I'm a devilish kind of person, but I embrace it. I don't try to fight it. It's proven very well for me.
Chelsea Handler
#99. There's a McDonalds in Hong Kong & they're offering couples the opportunity to get married. You can have a McWedding.
Chelsea Handler
#100. I once waited on a group of 10 people, and one guy collected the money from the check and tipped me $20 on $600. I told him in front of everyone, 'Jews like you give Jews like me a bad name.' That was my last waitressing job.
Chelsea Handler
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