Top 100 Carlin's Quotes
#1. George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it.
Steven Wright
#2. I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things.
Steven Wright
#3. But even Carlin's words had no weight when fury washed over Kelsea; it was a tide that cleared all obstacles.
Erika Johansen
#5. When I was a young comic just starting out, I was very cautious, as I didn't want to alienate people. George Carlin's bravery became a benchmark. I became perfectly fine with alienating some people in the audience. That just comes with the territory.
Paul Provenza
#6. The New Testament is not new anymore' it's thousands of years old. It's time to start calling it the Less Old Testament.
George Carlin
#7. It's important in life if you don't give a shit. It can help you a lot.
George Carlin
#8. I had one really memorable line. It was all the words you're not allowed to say on the airwaves, so it's one long list of swear words. I knew it anyway, because I was a huge George Carlin fan.
Peter Jacobson
#9. When I was younger, I listened to the greats: Winters, Mel and Carl, Nichols and May, Pryor, Carlin, Klein, Berman and lots of Lenny Bruce albums. But once I started doing fairly well, I didn't want to hear anybody's jokes or premises.
Richard Lewis
#10. Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people's stuff.
George Carlin
#11. I never take credit for anything, because it's mostly genetic to my way of thinking. Even the need to work hard with some genetic talent you're given - the need to go out and develop it, and push hard to bring it to people.
George Carlin
#13. I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
George Carlin
#14. If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
George Carlin
#15. That's basically what the drive is: "I want to be famous, I want to be noticed, and I want to be approved of." That's basically what you're after. "Give me attention, give me applause, give me an audience. A. A. A. Straight As." That's all you're looking for.
George Carlin
#16. Every time you're exposed to advertising in America you're reminded that this country's most profitable business is still the manufacture, packaging, distribution, and marketing of bullshit. High-quality, grade-A, prime-cut, pure American bullshit.
George Carlin
#17. Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.
George Carlin
#18. I've never owned a telescope, but it's something I'm thinking of looking into.
George Carlin
#19. I finally figured out what e-mail is for. It's for communicating with people you'd rather not talk to.
George Carlin
#20. How old are you? 'I'm four and a half!' You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.
George Carlin
#21. Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It's because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.
George Carlin
#22. A flag is supposed to represent everything that a country does. It doesn't only represent the good things. If you burn the flag, you're burning the flag for what you perceive to be the bad things the country has done. it's only a symbol. It's only a piece of cloth.
George Carlin
#23. In the United States, anybody can be President. That's the problem.
George Carlin
#24. The radio ad "Hi, I'm Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band. Don't drink and drive. I don't". Well, I hope you don't drive sober either Mr. Healey. You're blind for God's sake!
George Carlin
#25. Political discourse has been reduced to "Where's the beef?" "Read my lips," and "Make my day." Where are the assassins when we really need them?
George Carlin
#26. Here's a phrase that apparently the airlines simply made up: near miss. They say that if 2 planes almost collide, it's a near miss. Bullshit, my friend. It's a near hit! A collision is a near miss.
[WHAM! CRUNCH!]
"Look, they nearly missed!"
"Yes, but not quite.
George Carlin
#27. The best thing about living at the water's edge: You only have assholes on three sides of you, and if they come this way you can hear them splash.
George Carlin
#28. I think the human race has squandered its gift, and I think this country has squandered its promise. I think people in America sold out very cheaply, for sneakers and cheeseburgers. And I don't think it's fixable
George Carlin
#29. Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
George Carlin
#30. Obviously, there are people who constrict themselves and build walls around themselves, whether it's from a moral standpoint or a patriotic standpoint, or just plain old conformity, and who therefore live in those little prisons, and when things breach those walls, it's shocking for them.
George Carlin
#31. Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it's because at the moment they're not actually dying.
George Carlin
#32. Gotta have my make up, in case I run into Joey and he wants to beat the shit out of me. Gotta look my best! Maybe he'll punch me repeatedly in the kidneys and the stomach so it doesn't mark up my face. He's so thoughtful!
George Carlin
#33. I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so fuckin' heroic.
George Carlin
#34. Suppose that you didn't make your Easter duty and it's Pentecost Sunday, the last day, and you're on a ship at sea. And the chaplain goes into a coma! But you wanted to receive. And then it's Monday, too late ... But then you cross the International Date Line! Would that then be a sin then, Father?
George Carlin
#35. Pride should be reserved for something you achieve or obtain on your own, not something that happens by accident of birth. Being Irish isn't a skill ... it's a fucking genetic accident. You wouldn't say I'm proud to be 5'11; I'm proud to have a pre-disposition for colon cancer.
George Carlin
#36. Words are all we have, really. We have thoughts but thoughts are fluid. Then we assign a word to a thought and we're stuck with that word for that thought, so be careful with words. I like to think that the same words that hurt can heal. It's a matter of how you pick them.
George Carlin
#37. How come when it's us, it's an abortion, and when it's a chicken, it's an omelette?
George Carlin
#38. There's this man who lives in the sky, and he has ten things he doesn't want you to do, and you'll burn for a long time if you do them. But he loves you.
George Carlin
#39. It's way beyond ironic that a place called the Holy Land is the location of the fiercest, most deeply felt hatred in the world. And it makes for wonderful theater.
George Carlin
#40. Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty.
I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.
George Carlin
#41. Have you noticed when you wear a hat for a long time it feels like it's not there anymore? And then when you take it off it feels like it's still there?
George Carlin
#42. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
George Carlin
#43. Females create life, males end it. War, crime, violence, are primarily male franchises. Man shit. It's nature's supreme joke.
Deep in the womb, men start out as the good thing, and wind up as the crappy thing. Not all men. Just enough. Just enough to fuck things up.
George Carlin
#44. If the reason for climbing Mt. Everest is that it's hard to do, why does everyone go up the easy side?
George Carlin
#45. They mention that it's a nonstop flight. Well, I must say I don't care for that sort of thing. Call me old fashioned, but I insist that my flight stop. Preferably at an airport.
George Carlin
#46. I train 10 times over six days every week. I also have three gym sessions and four physio sessions so it's a very busy life, but I wouldn't do it unless I enjoyed it and unless I had all that support around me.
Jazmin Carlin
#47. There's a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it.
George Carlin
#48. George Washington's brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.
George Carlin
#49. If free trade can really turn all these Third World countries into thriving economies full of entrepreneurs and investors, who's gonna clean the fuckin' toilets around here?
George Carlin
#50. You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!
George Carlin
#51. People are dreaming if they think they have rights. They've never had rights. There's no such thing.
George Carlin
#52. The next time a prostitute solicits your business, ask for the clergyman's rate.
George Carlin
#53. The person who is most a part of me is the performer, is the standup, the guy who says, "Hey look at me, listen to this!" I do that because that's what I do, I love doing it.
George Carlin
#54. Language is a tool for concealing the truth. If we could read each other's minds, this would be a horror show.
George Carlin
#55. Tonight's forecast: DARK. Continued mostly dark tonight, turning to wildly scattered light in the morning
George Carlin
#56. Writing is really wonderful art. A lot of this is discovery. A lot of things are lying around waiting to be discovered and that's our job as writers is to just notice them and bring them to life.
George Carlin
#57. I love it in a movie when they throw a guy off a cliff. I love it even when it's not a movie. No, especially when it's not a movie.
George Carlin
#58. Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That's just common sense!
George Carlin
#59. There's some invisible guy, up in the sky, who can kill you, because he loves you.
George Carlin
#60. Anger is a handy term and words are tricky, as we know. What one man perceives as anger, another person - in my case the deliverer of material - is, "Don't you see it, don't you see how badly you're doing?" It's like shaking a child - which you're not supposed to do.
George Carlin
#61. Soft rock music isn't rock, and it ain't music. It's just soft.
George Carlin
#62. I don't understand why prostitution is illegal, Selling is legal, f***ing is legal. So why isn't it legal to sell f***ing? Why should it be illegal to sell something that's legal to give away?
George Carlin
#63. I call him Governor Bush because that's the only political office he's ever held legally in this country. I don't care where they hang his portrait, I don't care how big his library is. To me, he'll always be Governor Bush. I don't even capitalize his name when I type it anymore.
George Carlin
#64. No, there's no God, but there might be some sort of an organizing intelligence, and I think to understand it is way beyond our ability. It's certainly not a judgmental entity. It's certainly not paternalistic and all these qualities that have been attributed to God.
George Carlin
#65. Regarding local residents attempting to ban sex shops from their neighborhoods: You show me a parent who says he's worried about his child's innocence and I'll show you a homeowner trying to maintain equity.
George Carlin
#66. Religion is the worst thing that ever happened to mankind - the ironic part is that it's presented as a good thing, and its effect is absolutely catastrophic to individuals and to societies.
George Carlin
#67. Their only words. You can't be afraid of words that speak the truth, even if it's an unpleasant truth.
George Carlin
#68. Humor is based on surprise, and surprise is a milder way of saying shock. It's surprise that makes the joke.
George Carlin
#69. Religion is a self-conferred intellectual decision; it's not something you get at birth and is unchangeable. You're collusive with the religion when you accept it; you have a choice.
George Carlin
#70. If you have an Internet-connected system, there's no wall currently that you can build that's high enough or deep enough to keep a dedicated nation-state or even a sophisticated criminal group out of your system.
John Carlin
#71. There's an idea that the human body is somehow evil and bad and there are parts of it that are especially evil and bad, and we should be ashamed. Fear, guilt and shame are built into the attitude toward sex and the body. It's reflected in these prohibitions and these taboos that we have.
George Carlin
#72. But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?
George Carlin
#73. Military cemeteries around the world are packed with brainwashed dead soldiers who were convinced God was on their side. America prays for God to destroy our enemies. Our enemies pray for God to destroy us. Somebody's gonna be disappointed! Somebody's wasting their time! Could it be.. everyone?
George Carlin
#74. If a man smiles all the time, he's probably selling something that doesn't work.
George Carlin
#75. Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.
George Carlin
#76. Energy experts have announced the development of a new fuel made from human brain tissue. It's called assohol.
George Carlin
#77. It's legal for men to be floorwalkers and illegal for women to be streetwalkers.
George Carlin
#78. And this should go without saying. That's why I'm going to say it: Drinking and driving don't mix. Do your drinking early in the morning and get it out of the way. Then go driving while the visibility is still good.
George Carlin
#79. So I say, "Live and let live." That's my motto. "Live and let live." And anyone who can't go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It's a simple philosophy, but it's always worked in our family.
George Carlin
#80. The first obligation I have is to be funny; it's my first impulse and an instinct. I like being funny and finding the jokes.
George Carlin
#82. No one is more himself than the moment when he's laughing at a joke. It's at those moments that people's defenses go down, and that's when you can slip in a good idea.
George Carlin
#83. You know something I could really do without? The Space Shuttle ... It's irresponsible. The last thing we should be doing is sending our grotesquely distorted DNA out into space.
George Carlin
#84. That invisible hand of Adam Smith's seems to offer an extended middle finger to an awful lot of people.
George Carlin
#85. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
George Carlin
#86. The highway's closed at a certain point. You have a certain amount of miles that you can make. It's a recognition of mortality.
Peter Ames Carlin
#87. In most polls there are always about 5 percent of the people who 'don't know.' What isn't generally understood is that it's the same people in every poll.
George Carlin
#88. Self-expression is a hallmark of an artist, of art, to get something off one's chest, to sing one's song. So that element is present in all art. It is the key to even standing up and saying, "Hey, listen to me." Self-expression can be based on looking at the world and making observations about it.
George Carlin
#89. I enjoy watching a woman with really bad teeth and a good sense of humor struggling to use her lips and tongue to hide her teeth when she's laughing. I just stand there and tell her joke after joke after joke.
George Carlin
#90. [On school uniforms] Don't these schools do enough damage making all these kids think alike, now they have to make them look alike too? It's not a new idea, either. I first saw it in old newsreels from the 1930s, but it was hard to understand because the narration was in German.
George Carlin
#91. No one knows what's next, but everybody does it.
George Carlin
#92. Let's not have a double standard. One standard will do just fine.
George Carlin
#93. Why do so many people need help?! Life is not that complicated. You get up, you go to work, eat three meals, you take one good shit and you go back to bed. What's the fucking mystery?!
George Carlin
#94. If I had been in charge of reorganizing the government's security agencies into a homeland defense organization, I would have divided the responsibilities into two agencies: The Bureau of What the Fuck Was That? and The Department of What the Fuck Are We Gonna Do Now?
George Carlin
#95. I just liked stand-up comedy so much. I used to memorize Bill Cosby albums and other people's albums, George Carlin, Flip Wilson.
Drew Carey
#96. People say life begins at conception, I say life began about a billion years ago and it's a continuous process.
George Carlin
#97. Sore loser? You bet your fuckin' ass! What on earth is wrong with being a sore loser? It shows you cared about whatever the contest was in the first place. Fuck losing graciously-that's for chumps. And losers, by the way.
George Carlin
#98. I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.
George Carlin
#99. Sometimes a fireman will go to great strenuous lengths to save a raccoon that's stuck in a drainpipe and then go out on the weekend and kill several of them for amusement.
George Carlin
#100. When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
George Carlin
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