Carlin Quotes

#1. I did a lot of thinking, and used mental activity to relieve whatever feelings I had. I became very left-brained, and I was good in school. That is, I was a smart kid. - Author: George Carlin

#2. Meow" means "woof" in cat. - Author: George Carlin

#3. President George Bush declared a National Day of Prayer for Peace. This was after he had carefully arranged and started the war. - Author: George Carlin

#4. We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're having a swan. You get more stuffing - Author: George Carlin

#5. The New Testament is not new anymore' it's thousands of years old. It's time to start calling it the Less Old Testament. - Author: George Carlin

#6. It's important in life if you don't give a shit. It can help you a lot. - Author: George Carlin

#7. Did you ever look at your watch, and you look away ... and you don't know what time it is? - Author: George Carlin

#8. I'm not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share. - Author: George Carlin

#9. I had one really memorable line. It was all the words you're not allowed to say on the airwaves, so it's one long list of swear words. I knew it anyway, because I was a huge George Carlin fan. - Author: Peter Jacobson

#10. Scientists announced today that they have discovered a cure for apathy. However, they claim no one has shown the slightest interest in it. - Author: George Carlin

#11. My mother and I had a lot of distance between us emotionally, although, on the surface, most of the time, we appeared good and friendly, and all that. But I was a problem. I was a street kid. - Author: George Carlin

#12. Everybody in America is a part of this big herd of cattle being led to the marketplace, not to be sold, which is usual with cattle, but to do the buying. And everyone is branded. - Author: George Carlin

#13. Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard - Author: George Carlin

#14. When I was younger, I listened to the greats: Winters, Mel and Carl, Nichols and May, Pryor, Carlin, Klein, Berman and lots of Lenny Bruce albums. But once I started doing fairly well, I didn't want to hear anybody's jokes or premises. - Author: Richard Lewis

#15. Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people's stuff. - Author: George Carlin

#16. Environmentalists changed the word jungle to rain forest, because no one would give them money to save a jungle. Same with swamps and wetlands. - Author: George Carlin

#17. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. - Author: George Carlin

#18. The planet is fine. The people are f****d. - Author: George Carlin

#19. The whole idea of the pursuit of goods and possessions has completely corrupted the human experience, along with religion, which I think limits the intellect. - Author: George Carlin

#20. Regarding jam sessions: Jazz musicians are the only workers I can think of who are willing to put in a full shift for pay and then go somewhere else and continue to work for free. - Author: George Carlin

#21. In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first. - Author: George Carlin

#22. Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore. - Author: George Carlin

#23. In high school, when I first heard of entropy, I was attracted to it immediately. They said that in nature all systems are breaking down, and I thought, What a wonderful thing; perhaps I can make some small contribution to this process, myself. - Author: George Carlin

#24. Electricity is really just organized lightning - Author: George Carlin

#25. Nothing rectifies out-of-control market failures like a healthy dose of
government intervention and mountains of bureaucracy. - Author: George Carlin

#26. My mother would say, 'Why are you always playing alone?' And I would say, 'I'm not playin', Ma. I'm fuckin' serious! - Author: George Carlin

#27. When people asked me, "Do you get high to go onstage?" I could never understand the question. I mean, I'd been high since eight that morning. Going onstage had nothing to do with it. - Author: George Carlin

#28. I never take credit for anything, because it's mostly genetic to my way of thinking. Even the need to work hard with some genetic talent you're given - the need to go out and develop it, and push hard to bring it to people. - Author: George Carlin

#29. Once you leave the womb, conservatives don't care about you until you reach military age. Then you're just what they're looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers. - Author: George Carlin

#30. I'm in favor of personal growth as long as it doesn't include malignant tumors. - Author: George Carlin

#31. I'm 60 years of age. That's 16 Celsius. - Author: George Carlin

#32. I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better. - Author: George Carlin

#33. We created god in our own image and likeness! - Author: George Carlin

#34. If you want to get rid of counterfeit money, put it in the collection plate at church. - Author: George Carlin

#35. What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on? - Author: George Carlin

#36. Suppose I could shoot myself in the mouth, but what if I miss? People will laugh at me. - Author: George Carlin

#37. The status quo sucks. - Author: George Carlin

#38. There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions, and wooooords. - Author: George Carlin

#39. I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions. - Author: George Carlin

#40. Because we were a poor area, the school had a small budget and was unable to teach the second half of the alphabet. - Author: George Carlin

#41. I'm not collegial, I don't hang out. I'm soloist, I like my solitude, I don't really hang around with comedians. - Author: George Carlin

#42. And if they tell you you're not a team player, just congratulate them on being so observant. - Author: George Carlin

#43. People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think. - Author: George Carlin

#44. More people have been killed in the name of God than for any other reason. - Author: George Carlin

#45. If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little. - Author: George Carlin

#46. That's basically what the drive is: "I want to be famous, I want to be noticed, and I want to be approved of." That's basically what you're after. "Give me attention, give me applause, give me an audience. A. A. A. Straight As." That's all you're looking for. - Author: George Carlin

#47. You never see a smiling runner. - Author: George Carlin

#48. The older you get, the better you realize you were. - Author: George Carlin

#49. Israeli murderers are called "commandos," Arab commandos are called "terrorists." - Author: George Carlin

#50. In adolescence you have to separate yourself and establish your identity. So, being very independent anyway, I took charge. - Author: George Carlin

#51. Every time you're exposed to advertising in America you're reminded that this country's most profitable business is still the manufacture, packaging, distribution, and marketing of bullshit. High-quality, grade-A, prime-cut, pure American bullshit. - Author: George Carlin

#52. I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was. - Author: George Carlin

#53. Without the laughs, the audience wouldn't be there at all, so in that sense, yes, I am a comedian. - Author: George Carlin

#54. What was the best thing before sliced bread? - Author: George Carlin

#55. Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did. - Author: George Carlin

#56. I've never owned a telescope, but it's something I'm thinking of looking into. - Author: George Carlin

#57. I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away. - Author: George Carlin

#58. Religion is just mind control. - Author: George Carlin

#59. Some people think of the glass as half full. Some people think of the glass as half empty. I think of the glass as too big. - Author: George Carlin

#60. Age is a hell of a price to pay for wisdom - Author: George Carlin

#61. Why do they bother with a suicide watch when someone is on death row? "Keep an eye on this guy. We're gonna kill him, and we don't want him to hurt himself." - Author: George Carlin

#62. If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play? - Author: George Carlin

#63. Picture your grandmother in Hell, baking pies ... without an oven. - Author: George Carlin

#64. Christian Deodorant: "Thou Shalt Not Smell" - Author: George Carlin

#65. I'm certainly a skeptic. I always quibble with people. - Author: George Carlin

#66. Nothing you see on the Internet is mine unless it comes from one of my albums, books, HBO specials, or appeared on my website. - Author: George Carlin

#67. There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It seems only right. 'Tom, I'd like you to meet the girl of my dreams, Tragedy.' These days, Trajedi. - Author: George Carlin

#68. I hope no one asks me to show them the ropes; I have no idea where they are. Maybe I could pull some strings and find out. - Author: George Carlin

#69. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea ... does that mean that 1 enjoys it? - Author: George Carlin

#70. I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend - I didn't bother with him. - Author: George Carlin

#71. I finally figured out what e-mail is for. It's for communicating with people you'd rather not talk to. - Author: George Carlin

#72. There will be a rain dance Friday night, weather permitting! - Author: George Carlin

#73. 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence? - Author: George Carlin

#74. I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death. - Author: George Carlin

#75. Medical researchers have discovered a new disease that has no symptoms. It is impossible to detect, and there is no known cure. Fortunately, no cases have been reported thus far. - Author: George Carlin

#76. Bullshit is the glue that binds us as a nation. - Author: George Carlin

#77. I couldn't commit suicide if my life depended on it. - Author: George Carlin

#78. Some people are so talented and yet they don't even know it. There are so many different aspects to sport and how you can get involved. You might surprise yourself with what you can achieve, so give it go and see what you can do! - Author: Jazmin Carlin

#79. Whatever happened to "In victory, magnanimity; in defeat, defiance." So said Frederick the Great. - Author: George Carlin

#80. "Fussy eater" is a euphemism for "big pain in the ass." - Author: George Carlin

#81. How old are you? 'I'm four and a half!' You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key. - Author: George Carlin

#82. Some people think that words can injure the psyche or the moral fiber. And they really can't. - Author: George Carlin

#83. Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It's because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time. - Author: George Carlin

#84. A flag is supposed to represent everything that a country does. It doesn't only represent the good things. If you burn the flag, you're burning the flag for what you perceive to be the bad things the country has done. it's only a symbol. It's only a piece of cloth. - Author: George Carlin

#85. In the United States, anybody can be President. That's the problem. - Author: George Carlin

#86. The radio ad "Hi, I'm Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band. Don't drink and drive. I don't". Well, I hope you don't drive sober either Mr. Healey. You're blind for God's sake! - Author: George Carlin

#87. Political discourse has been reduced to "Where's the beef?" "Read my lips," and "Make my day." Where are the assassins when we really need them? - Author: George Carlin

#88. E-I-E-I-O is actually a gross misspelling of the word farm. - Author: George Carlin

#89. When I was young I used to read about the decline of Western civilization, and I decided it was something I would like to make a contribution to. - Author: George Carlin

#90. The next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elected in a full, free democratic election - Author: George Carlin

#91. You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar. - Author: George Carlin

#92. We will never be an advanced civilization as long as rain showers can delay the launching of a space rocket. - Author: George Carlin

#93. Give now. Somewhere, someone feels crappy. You can help. - Author: George Carlin

#94. Here's a phrase that apparently the airlines simply made up: near miss. They say that if 2 planes almost collide, it's a near miss. Bullshit, my friend. It's a near hit! A collision is a near miss.
[WHAM! CRUNCH!]
"Look, they nearly missed!"
"Yes, but not quite. - Author: George Carlin

#95. Where do we get our values from? - Author: George Carlin

#96. Censorship that comes from the outside assumes about people an inability to make reasoned choices. - Author: George Carlin

#97. Praying is begging for an unseen deity to alter the laws of nature for someone admittedly unworthy. - Author: George Carlin

#98. Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body. - Author: George Carlin

#99. The best thing about living at the water's edge: You only have assholes on three sides of you, and if they come this way you can hear them splash. - Author: George Carlin

#100. I'm sure Hitler was great with his family. - Author: George Carlin