Top 100 Bill Maher Quotes
#1. I'm kind of a 'Daily Show,' Bill Maher junkie. I listen to NPR and I still get the 'New York Times' paper delivered to my door, even though I live in L.A.
Constance Zimmer
#2. Jon Stewart kills me. I love him. And Bill Maher. He does an hour on HBO. But entirely political. It is awfully rough, but he does make me laugh.
Dick Van Dyke
#3. I would be terrified if Bill Maher was like, 'Hey, do you want to come on the show?' I would be like, 'Oh, God.' It would completely terrify me, even though I'm such a junkie for the show.
Constance Zimmer
#4. I'd like to have a drink with Bill Maher and see how he feels. We were too conservative coming over to Fox from fX, and got ourselves off our best game.
Tom Bergeron
#5. When you've got somebody who's a flaming liberal like Bill Maher calling you out, something's wrong.
Dave Mustaine
#6. Bill Maher fancies himself the reincarnation of Lenny Bruce.
Bernard Goldberg
#7. Bill Maher is anything but an impartial host. He sucks up to Hollywood liberals because A) he needs to get them back on the show, B) he usually agrees with them, and C) they tend to be wildly ignorant.
Jonah Goldberg
#8. You know, I'm a comedian the same as Bill Maher and Jon Stewart. We all came up the same way. The three of us have interest in politics; I call us fundits, we're fundits! We're not pundits!
Joy Behar
#9. Jon Stewart, Bill Maher, Stephen Colbert. Those are the guys I look at who are telling me pretty much the truth. And they throw humor into it which makes it much more interesting to listen to.
Grace Slick
#10. I don't blame Bill Maher for mocking religion. I can see why he took the trouble to make the movie. In one sense, it's overdue.
Ray Comfort
#11. Bill Maher does something amazing in Religulous. He makes Michael Moore look incredibly likable in comparison.
Mick LaSalle
#12. Guys like Howard Stern, Bill O'Reilly, Jim Rome, Bill Maher, those are the guys I love and respect as broadcasters.
Eddie Trunk
#13. As you can see, the hyphen is a nasty, tricky, evil little mark that gets its kicks igniting arguments in newsrooms and trying to make everyone in the English-speaking world look like an idiot - it's the Bill Maher of punctuation.
June Casagrande
#14. Maybe Bill Maher should just practice his monologue a few times before the show, so he wouldn't find it so hilarious. But I kid the asshole.
Andy Kindler
#15. People like Bill Maher, who brags about being a cynic, it sickens me. I am the least cynical person I know, and I am very, very skeptical.
Penn Jillette
#16. Bill Maher and I are on against each other, and we're friends. He can do my show any time he wants, and I've done Politically Incorrect several times. There's no reason to think competition has to be adversarial.
Jay Leno
#17. Every day I think, 'Gosh, I wish I could be like George Carlin, Bill Maher: I want that edge.' But every time I start to get that edgy thing, I get kind of mean.
Tom Smothers
#18. I don't ever want to become Bill Maher where I have to find some strong opinion on something just because it's in the news. That's the guy that comes off like you have to be angry every week about new topics and snotty about something. That's what I'm trying to avoid.
Doug Stanhope
#19. Brave Americans in past wars didn't die for the actual flag
they died for the freedom it represents, including the freedom to burn it.
Bill Maher
#20. That Mitt Romney, he is a master campaigner. This week he was introducing his wife, and he said, 'She is the heavyweight champion of my life. Which may explain why on the ride home, he was strapped to the roof of the car.
Bill Maher
#21. Last week John McCain said the fundamentals of our economy are strong. This week, he said it's the worst crisis since World War II. So he suspended his campaign, unless you count doing interviews, airing attack ads, sending out surrogates on TV to attack Obama.
Bill Maher
#22. There was one awkward moment where a black man stood-up to ask a question and out of habit, Bush said 'Clemency denied.'
Bill Maher
#23. You don't need a weapon to protect yourself.
Bill Maher
#24. New Jersey Mayor Corey Booker last night personally rescued a woman from a burning building. Or as Fox News reported it, 'black man loots house, steals white woman.'
Bill Maher
#25. A flu shot just compromises your immune system.
Bill Maher
#26. Why is monotheistic faith better than polytheistic? I mean, either you believe - if you believe in, like, a magic person who can do magic things, why is it different - so different if it's Superman or the Fantastic Four?
Bill Maher
#27. As a comedian, I think we all look for those areas where the truth diverts from what people are saying. That's why politics is such a rich area for us, because politicians make promises, and they don't keep them, and when we point out the difference, we get the laugh.
Bill Maher
#28. If the NRA keeps messing with the President's daughters, they're going to have to start worrying about Michelle Obama's guns.
Bill Maher
#29. John Kerry is finding out that it is no fun to be the front runner, that's when you get all the heat. He had to deny internet rumors this week that he had Botox treatments. The Republicans say Kerry should have a clear, unfurrowed brow the old fashioned way by not giving a sh
.
Bill Maher
#30. The answer isn't another pill. The answer is spinach
Bill Maher
#31. If you think you have it tough, read history books.
Bill Maher
#32. People who call themselves divas ... you are not a diva. I'm pretty sure you're a cunt.
Sarah Silverman
#33. It's very well known that the Republicans have problems with minorities. The Democrats have big problems with white people. Obama only got 39% of the vote. He only got 36% of the working-class white people.
Bill Maher
#34. New rule: Tulips aren't flowers. They're some kind of gay onion.
Bill Maher
#35. The idea that I hear from the right wing in the last few decades, is that any sort of sacrifice is an affront to my liberty as an American to be a pig the way I want to.
Bill Maher
#36. Don't call me when you're stuck in traffic. It's not my fault that radio sucks and did it ever occur to you that there wouldn't be so much traffic if people like you put down the phone and concentrated on the road ... besides I can't talk now, I'm in the car behind you trying to watch a DVD.
Bill Maher
#37. If Jesus was a Jew, why did he have a Spanish name?
Bill Maher
#38. If a President must constantly remind the people that we're at war, then we're not.
Bill Maher
#39. You can't pray away global warming, and that's the difference between religious people and sane people.
Bill Maher
#40. There's a phrase we live by in America: "In God We Trust". It's right there where Jesus would want it: on our money.
Bill Maher
#41. Is it [hunting] really a sport if you have all the equipment and your opponent doesn't know a game is going on?
Bill Maher
#42. New Rule: Any tattoo that has more than one line is too long.
Bill Maher
#43. I love Jesus. I just don't like the Christians who don't believe in what he says.
Bill Maher
#44. They're talking about banning cigarette smoking now in any place that's used by ten or more people in a week, which, I guess, means that Madonna can't even smoke in bed.
Bill Maher
#45. If anybody is so mad at Vladimir Putin, you know what they could do? They could advocate for a gas tax. He gets all his leverage from selling gas and oil. If we had a gas tax that made that less palatable, he would be less of a player on the world stage.
Bill Maher
#47. It's understandable why a minority that was treated as badly as blacks in this country have been for so long would, when they finally found themselves on top, brag about it and want to shout from the rooftops.
Bill Maher
#48. Don't vote for Republicans or Democrats until they clean up the open system of bribery that we live under.
Bill Maher
#49. Sarah Palin's whole family got into a drunken public fistfight. Something police are calling a 'tragic case of trash-on-trash violence.'
Bill Maher
#50. The Republicans released their 'Pledge to America.' It's 21 pages of phony charts and bad ideas. Sarah Palin got a copy, and she said, 'How am I supposed to fit all this crap on my hand?
Bill Maher
#51. We've created over 200,000 jobs every month this year. Hasn't happened in 17 years. I guess my first question is, when do the Republicans stop calling it 'Obama's economy'?
Bill Maher
#52. God knows life sucks. It's right there in the Bible. The book of Job is all about Job asking God to take away pain and misery. And God says, "I can't take away pain and misery because then no one would talk to me."
Bill Maher
#53. We don't really have to make fun of religion - it makes fun of itself.
Bill Maher
#54. Paul Revere was warning the British about gun control, and George Washington apparently was crossing the Delaware to bomb an abortion clinic.
Bill Maher
#55. True patriotism is doing something for your country.
Bill Maher
#56. America is bad at discriminating between danger likely to strike again, and red herrings, the freaking helpings of disaster that no man or plan can prevent.
Bill Maher
#57. More astronauts have been to the moon than farmers who paid the inheritance tax in 2013.
Bill Maher
#58. What is "martinizing" and why does it only take one hour?
Bill Maher
#59. Saddam Hussein is Hitler like Oasis was The Beatles.
Bill Maher
#60. I hate religion. I think it's a neurological disorder.
Bill Maher
#61. I'm a pessimist by nature. A pot head, but a pessimist.
Bill Maher
#63. Whoever needs the relationship less has all the power.
Bill Maher
#64. Curious people are interesting people; I wonder why that is.
Bill Maher
#65. But isn't there something wrong when I'm the only guy in the country that got fired for 9/11?
Bill Maher
#66. New Rule: Americans have to come up with a better cheese to represent the nation than American cheese. I'm not even sure American cheese is cheese. I think it's aged Jell-O. And it doesn't need to be individually wrapped in plastic, either. You're thinking of condoms.
Bill Maher
#68. The whole dating ritual was different when I was a kid. Girls got pinned, not nailed.
Bill Maher
#69. It's that time of year again, April 15, taxes. I know it's depressing, but just remember, you're paying for roads, bridges, hospitals, and an army to keep the nation free. Unfortunately that nation is Afghanistan.
Bill Maher
#70. Religion, to me, is a bureaucracy between man and God that I don't need.
Bill Maher
#71. Ronald Reagan basically legalized every illegal immigrant in this country. I just like to bring this up because every week I like to make Republican heads explode about how they love Ronald Reagan, but would despise everything he did.
Bill Maher
#72. Tt just seems to be human nature to seem to want to posit in another human being, qualities that you must know, in part of your mind, that human being couldn't possess because you don't possess.
Bill Maher
#73. A new biography of Madonna came out last week, and apparently the biography lists all the men she's slept with. The book is apparently called the Manhattan Telephone Directory.
Bill Maher
#74. The president finally explained why he sat in that classroom on 9/11 for 7 minutes after he was told the country was under attack. He said he was 'collecting his thoughts.' What a time to start a new hobby.'
Bill Maher
#75. The NYPD must stop acting like the only thing black people do is run from them and shoot at them. Believe it or not there are some black New Yorkers who won't run and can't shoot
they're called the # Knicks .
Bill Maher
#76. I find that the world is changing much, much faster than I can even bitch about it.
Bill Maher
#77. Laughter is sort of a natural truth detector. If you laugh at something, it's probably because there was some truth in it.
Bill Maher
#78. I think the news people no longer have any idea of what covering the news is.
Bill Maher
#79. What Democratic congressmen do to their women staffers, Republican congressmen do to the country.
Bill Maher
#80. I think the reason why more rapists go into the military is the same reason why predators go into the Catholic Church. It's a place they know they can get away with it.
Bill Maher
#81. If somebody asks if you tweeted your penis and your answer is anything other than "No," you tweeted your penis.
Bill Maher
#82. When I see the toothless guy, as a liberal, what I say is, 'I want to help you get teeth.' Why does that make me an a**hole?
Bill Maher
#83. In the Muslim world, much of it, they cannot conceive of something coming out of the United States that wouldn't be sanctioned by the government, because in their countries, everything is sanctioned by the government.
Bill Maher
#84. Forget the Syria debate; we need a debate on why we are always debating on whether to bomb someone. Because we're starting to look not so much like the world's police men but more like George Zimmerman. Itching to use force and then pretending it's because we had no choice.
Bill Maher
#85. I'd just like to know what a cop WOULD have to do to get indicted - and what good are cop cameras since Eric Garner IS on tape?
Bill Maher
#86. I didn't really think a lot about religion, but I didn't really think a lot against it, either. I was one of those people who didn't go to church, but when I got in trouble I kinda pleaded with God - whoever that was.
Bill Maher
#87. France ... What can you say about a country that was too stupid to get on board with our wonderfully-conceived and brilliantly-executed war in Iraq?
Bill Maher
#88. Ronald Reagan came from show business. His idea of how the government should help the homeless was like your agent. "We'll try to get you work. But don't bug us about it."
Bill Maher
#89. New Rule: Instead of killing 99.9 percent of germs, Lysol has to just go ahead and kill them all. Why spare the remaining 0.1 percent? So they can return to their villages and tell the other germs, "Dude, do not mess with Lysol"?
Bill Maher
#91. Doctors said that the test most commonly used to screen for colon cancer doesn't go far enough. They're recommending a procedure that involves photographing the entire colon. I say, don't vie CBS an idea for another reality show.
Bill Maher
#92. Now people want Brian Williams to resign, but it could have a happy ending. Apparently what he said was such a blatant departure from the truth, today he got an offer from Fox News.
Bill Maher
#93. Obama is huge in the polls these days. His popularity is soaring. Even conservatives are coming around. 30 percent of them now believe Obama deserves a Green Card.
Bill Maher
#94. Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.
Bill Maher
#95. Cleavage is to a man what power is to a woman.
Bill Maher
#96. Not doing anything is doing something and choosing to look away is a passive but no less mortal sin.
Bill Maher
#97. What I believe in is love your neighbor as yourself and don't call him stupid because they don't agree with you politically.
Bill Maher
#98. In New York now, they have Harvey Milk High School for gay students. They don't have much of a football team, but the half-time show ...
Bill Maher
#99. The Drug War is an addiction, really.
Bill Maher
#100. Tea Party has now cost the Republicans 5 senate seats. My next donation is going to them.
Bill Maher
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