Michael Gurnow Quotes

#1. As soon as the first piece of foliage came within blade's reach, my student started frantically swinging the machete like he was defending his virtue from a trove of drunken, handsy woodland elves. 'I feel like I'm in the movie Predator,' he said as he decapitated a flower.

Michael Gurnow

#2. My wife simply quoted, 'For better or worse.' It was only then that I realized the phrase was not multiple-choice.

Michael Gurnow

#3. I had not been prepared for my employer's approach to vehicular navigation, which was a simple case of being unable to tell the difference between a very large, multi-windowed van that could accommodate a mobile disco and a Formula One racer.

Michael Gurnow

#4. Few things in this world evoke scrotum-shriveling fear in a man like a group of frowning women, enraged to the point of atypical silence, ambling toward him with an obvious agenda.

Michael Gurnow

#5. The NSA is correct, 1984 is now.

Michael Gurnow

#6. I'd somehow managed to get an executive stuck in a tree. Instead of a saucer of milk and 'Here kitty, kitty, kitty,' someone might want to bring a hedge fund and a recording of George Bush promising 'No new taxes.

Michael Gurnow

#7. If owning frivolous articles of excess were indeed the trappings of malevolence, my home was ready to play host to the Axis powers.

Michael Gurnow

#8. At least Ozymandias had a statue erected in his name. If I were to have died at that moment, the only thing I had managed to erect in my honor was a shrine to China's manufacturing capabilities.

Michael Gurnow