Yossarian's Quotes

#1. Doc Daneeka was Yossarian's friend and would do just about nothing in his power to help him.

Joseph Heller

#2. but Yossarian had proof, because strangers he didn't know shot at him with cannons every time he flew up into the air to drop bombs on them, and it wasn't funny at all. And if that wasn't funny, there were lots of things that weren't even funnier.

Joseph Heller

#3. They were the most depressing group of people Yossarian had ever been with. They were always in high spirits.

Joseph Heller

#4. There was a click and then nothing CALL DISCONECTED flashed on the digital display. "NO! NO!" Clary hit the redial button, her fingers trembling. Simon picked up immediatly.
"Sorry. Yossarian scratched me and I dropped the phone.

Cassandra Clare

#5. Yossarian decided to change the subject. "Now you're changing the subject." he pointed out diplomatically. "I'll bet I can name two things to be miserable about for every one you can name to be thankful for.

Joseph Heller

#6. The Texan wanted everybody in the ward to be happy but Yossarian and Dunbar. He was really very sick.

Joseph Heller

#7. It was love at first sight. The first time Yossarian saw the chaplain he fell madly in love with him.

Joseph Heller

#8. 'You haven't got a chance kid,' he had told him glumly.'They hate Jews.'
'But I'm not Jewish,' answered Clevinger.
'It will make no difference,' Yossarian promised, and Yossarian was right. 'They're after everybody.

Joseph Heller

#9. It was truly a splendid structure, and Yossarian throbbed with a mighty sense of accomplishment each time he gazed at it and reflected that none of the work that had gone into it was his. There

Joseph Heller

#10. Hungry Joe was crazy, and no one knew it better than Yossarian, who did everything he could to help him. Hungry Joe just wouldn't listen to Yossarian. Hungry Joe just wouldn't listen because he thought Yossarian was crazy

Joseph Heller

#11. How do you feel Yossarian?"
"Fine. No, I'm very frightened."
"That's good," said Major Danby. "It proves you're still alive. It won't be fun."
Yossarian started out. "Yes it will.

Joseph Heller

#12. This stuff is better than cotton candy, really it is. It's made out of real cotton. Yossarian, you've got to help me make the men eat it. Egyptian cotton is the finest cotton in the world.

Joseph Heller

#13. From now on I'm thinking only of me."
Major Danby replied indulgently with a superior smile: "But, Yossarian, suppose everyone felt that way."
"Then," said Yossarian, "I'd certainly be a damned fool to feel any other way, wouldn't I?

Joseph Heller

#14. Yossarian makes any attempts to excuse himself from the perilous missions then he is caught in Catch-22: if he flies he is crazy, and doesn't have to; but if he doesn't want to he must be sane and has to. That's some catch ...

Joseph Heller

#15. Why," swore Yossarian at him approvingly, "you evil-eyed, mechanicallyaptituded, disaffiliated son of a bitch, did you walk around with anything in your cheeks?

Joseph Heller

#16. They're trying to kill me," Yossarian told him calmly.
No one's trying to kill you," Clevinger cried.
Then why are they shooting at me?" Yossarian asked.
They're shooting at everyone," Clevinger answered. "They're trying to kill everyone."
And what difference does that make?

Joseph Heller

#17. Yossarian attended the education sessions because he wanted to find out why so many people were working so hard to kill him.

Joseph Heller

#18. You pompous, rotund, neighborly, vacuous, complacent ... - Yossarian

Joseph Heller

#19. I only raped her once," he explained. Yossarian was aghast. "But you killed her, Aarfy! You killed her!" "Oh, I had to do that after I raped her," Aarfy replied in his most condescending manner.

Joseph Heller

#20. That men would die was a matter of necessity; which men would die, though, was a matter of circumstance, and Yossarian was willing to be the victim of anything but circumstance.

Joseph Heller

#21. Oh, don't you worry about that, Yossarian comforted him with a toneless snicker as the engines of the jeeps and ambulance fractured the drowsy silence and the vehicles in the rear began driving away backward.

Joseph Heller

#22. Havermeyer was a lead bombardier who never missed. Yossarian was a lead bombardier who had been demoted because he no longer gave a damn whether he missed or not. He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt, and his only mission each time he went up was to come down alive.

Joseph Heller

#23. Yossarian was in love with the maid in the lime-colored panties because she seemed to be the only woman left he could make love to without falling in love with.

Joseph Heller

#24. Yossarian wrinkled his forehead with quizzical amusement. You won't marry me because I'm crazy, and you say I'm crazy because I want to marry you? Is that right?

Joseph Heller

#25. The only thing going on was a war, and no one seemed to notice but Yossarian and Dunbar. And when Yossarian tried to remind people, they drew away from him and thought he was crazy.

Joseph Heller

#26. Orr was one of the homeliest freaks Yossarian had ever encountered, and one of the most attractive.

Joseph Heller

#27. Where were you born?"
"On a battlefield," [Yossarian] answered.
"No, no. In what state were you born?"
"In a state of innocence.

Joseph Heller

#28. The fictional character with whom I most profoundly identified was Yossarian in Catch-22. Always did, still do.

Neil Cross

#29. I'm not running away from my responsibilities. I'm running to them. There's nothing negative about running away to save my life.

Joseph Heller

#30. But Yossarian knew he was right, because, as he explained to Clevinger, to the best of his knowledge he had never been wrong.

Joseph Heller

#31. Yossarian left money in the old woman's lap - it was odd how many wrongs leaving money seemed to right - and

Joseph Heller

#32. Yossarian was moved by such intense pity for his poverty that he wanted to smash his pale. sad, sickly face with his fist and knock him out of existence

Joseph Heller

#33. To Yossarian, the idea of pennants as prizes was absurd. No money went with them, no class privileges. Like Olympic medals and tennis trophies, all they signified was that the owner had done something of no benefit to anyone more capably than everyone else.

Joseph Heller

#34. You have deep-seated survival anxieties. And you don't like bigots, bullies, snobs or hypocrites. Subconsciously there are many people you hate."
"Consciously, sir, consciously," Yossarian corrected in an effort to help. "I hate them consciously.

Joseph Heller

#35. The captain was a good chess player, and the games were always interesting. Yossarian had stopped playing chess with him because the games were so interesting they were foolish.

Joseph Heller

#36. [Chief White Halfoat:] Racial prejudice is a terrible thing, Yossarian. It really is. It's a terrible thing to treat a decent, loyal Indian like a nigger, kike, wop, or spic.

Joseph Heller

#37. Yossarian!!!(?)!

Joseph Heller

#38. The enemy," retorted Yossarian with weighted precision, "is anybody who's going to get you killed, no matter which side he's on, and that includes Colonel Cathcart. And don't you forget that, because the longer you remember it, the longer you might live.

Joseph Heller

#39. Steal Captain Black's car," said Yossarian. "That's what I always do." "We can't steal anybody's car. Since you began stealing the nearest car every time you wanted one, nobody leaves the ignition on.

Joseph Heller

#40. Nurse Duckett found Yossarian wonderful and was already trying to change him.

Joseph Heller

#41. There was no established procedure for evasive action. All you needed was fear, and Yossarian had plenty of that, more fear than Orr or Hungry Joe, more fear even than Dunbar, who had resigned himself submissively to the idea that he must die someday

Joseph Heller

#42. That goddam stunted, red-faced, big-cheeked, apple-cheeked, curlyheaded, midget assed, , google-eyed, undersized, grinning, buck-toothed rat!!" Yossarian sputtered.
~ Catch-22

Joseph Heller