Helen Ellis Quotes

#1. The only thing with less character than Chardonnay is wainscoting.

Helen Ellis

#2. All we marrieds have a marriage chuckle. A marriage chuckle is a fake laugh you bring out when your spouse does something dumb that you have to pretend is charming. My

Helen Ellis

#3. Face it: you're never going to get carded again, so quit asking bouncers if they want to see your ID. Quit going places where they have bouncers.

Helen Ellis

#4. Just because you can fit into something tight doesn't mean that you belong in it.

Helen Ellis

#5. I cry because I don't have the upper-arm strength to flatiron my hair. I

Helen Ellis

#6. I scroll through iPhone photos and see that if I delete pictures of myself with a double chin, I will erase all proof of my glorious life.

Helen Ellis

#7. Write what I know, who wants to read that? If only our apartment was haunted or I was the tiniest bit possessed by the devil.

Helen Ellis

#8. I study long-married couples and decide that wives are like bras: sometimes the most matronly are the most supportive.

Helen Ellis

#9. A pink razor is like a mouse, where ever it is the pussy will follow.

Helen Ellis

#10. You've got to have brains to play dumb.

Helen Ellis

#11. French pedicures make your toes look like fingers. You look grabby. French pedicures are for man thieves.

Helen Ellis

#12. It's amazing that the city we live in allows "pets" that belong in a sideshow, but makes it illegal for me to have a switchblade.

Helen Ellis

#13. Sugar, nobody's perfect. And when ladies try to be perfect, their periods stop.

Helen Ellis

#14. A good bra is fine, but a great bra is life changing. It gives you the confidence of a homecoming queen. It's a tiara for your ta-tas.

Helen Ellis

#15. Fix myself a hot chocolate because it is a gateway drug to reading.

Helen Ellis