Us And Them David Sedaris Quotes

#1. We can't profess love without talking through hand puppets.

David Sedaris

#2. Poor, chubby Annette Kelper, who desperately tries to pretend that nobody notices the fact that she's balding on top of her head. That's right. Look closely - balding just like a man. Perhaps Randy feels sorry for chrome-dome Annette.

David Sedaris

#3. What brought us together was a love of nature, or, more specifically, of catching things and unintentionally killing them.

David Sedaris

#4. Having spent my life trying to fit the will of others, I was unable to distinguish between what I enjoyed and what I thought I should enjoy.

David Sedaris

#5. He loved flowers, I loved flowers, and wasn't it beautiful that our mutual appreciation could transcend our various differences and somehow bring us together?

David Sedaris

#6. He secretly thinks he looks like Marlon Brando, but take a good look a young Marlin Perkins is more like it! Maybe that's what he sees in Annette Kelper - he's an animal lover.

David Sedaris

#7. Say what you will about the south, but in North Carolina a hot dog is free to swing anyway it wishes.

David Sedaris

#8. This grown man who now phones his father to say, Motherfucker, I ain't seen pussy so long, I'd throw stones at it.

David Sedaris

#9. I had to wrestle daily with both my inadequacy and my uncontrollable jealousy. I didn't want to kill her, but hoped someone else might do the job for me.

David Sedaris

#10. It didn't seem fair to me that Jon Stewart's rally didn't get the same kind of attention that Glenn Beck's did. Why was Beck's seen as checking the thermometer of the country, and Jon Stewart just dismissed as a satirist?

David Sedaris

#11. Anyone who watches even the slightest amount of TV is familiar with the scene: An agent knocks on the door of some seemingly ordinary home or office. The door opens, and the person holding the knob is asked to identify himself. The agent then says, I'm going to ask you to come with me.

David Sedaris

#12. Do you have a feel for the guitar? Do you have any idea what this little baby is capable of?" Without waiting for an answer, he climbed up into his chair and began playing "Light My Fire," adding, "This one is for Joan.

David Sedaris

#13. My understanding was that it completed a person, sanding down the rough provincial edges and transforming you into a citizen of the world.

David Sedaris

#14. He has a passport," my classmates would whisper. "Quick, let's run before he judges us!

David Sedaris

#15. The real life of the party is flattened beneath the bed, taping actual sex encounters, not sitting cross-legged on the floor with a guitar, embarrassing himself and others.

David Sedaris

#16. You have what we in France call 'good time teeth,'" she said. "Why on earth would you want to change them?" "Um, because I can floss with the sash to my bathrobe?

David Sedaris

#17. It make one's mouth hurt to speak with such forced merriment.

David Sedaris

#18. I like nonfiction books about people with wretched lives.

David Sedaris

#19. The autopsy took place in the morning and was the best argument for the buddy systemI had ever seen. Never live alone, I told myself. Before you chane a lightbulb, call someone from the other room and have him watch until you are finished.

David Sedaris

#20. Scream at the mangled leather carcass lying at the foot of the stairs, and my parents would roar with laughter. That's what you get for leaving your wallet on the kitchen table.

David Sedaris

#21. On a busy day twenty-two thousand people come to visit Santa, and I was told that it is an elf's lot to remain merry in the face of torment and adversity. I promised to keep that in mind.

David Sedaris

#22. Like everything else, holiday gifts escalate. The presents get better and better until one year you decide you don't need anything else and start making donations to animal shelters. Even if you hate dogs and cats, they're somehow always the ones who benefit.

David Sedaris

#23. I attribute my wife's language to the fact that she's one-quarter spaniel. She says she's only an eighth, but, come on, the ears say it all. That and her mouth. (The Faithful Setter)

David Sedaris

#24. The beauty of an art school: as long as you can pay the tuition, they will never, even in the gentlest way, suggest that you have no talent.

David Sedaris

#25. The two of you grew apart,' my mother would say. She made it sound as if we'd veered off in different directions, though in fact we had the exact same destination. I just never made it.

David Sedaris

#26. A zoo is a good place to make a spectacle of yourself, as the people around you have creepier, more photogenic things to look at.

David Sedaris

#27. Things began to come together, and I went from speaking like an evil baby to speaking like a hillbilly. "Is thems the thoughts of cows?" I'd ask the butcher, pointing to the calves' brains displayed in the front window.

David Sedaris

#28. I'm for gay elopement, not for gay weddings. I've been with my boyfriend for twenty years. I don't feel like that would validate our relationship in any way. But I would really fight for someone else to have the right. Just elope, though, please.

David Sedaris

#29. I wasn't broken, just resting, readying myself for the next big thing.

David Sedaris

#30. The message was that if something is free, you should only take the best. If, on the other hand, you're forced to pay, it's best to lower the bar and not be so choosy.

David Sedaris

#31. Like all of my friends, she's a lousy judge of character.

David Sedaris

#32. David Sedaris is so good that it makes me mad.

Bill Hader