Top 100 Steven Wright Quotes
#1. I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
Steven Wright
#2. Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
Steven Wright
#3. I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.
Steven Wright
#4. Childhood was very nice. The only thing wrong was that I was so introverted, everything became a big deal ... 'Oh, no, here comes the bus. Where am I gonna sit on the bus?'
Steven Wright
#5. I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.
Steven Wright
#6. The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
Steven Wright
#7. I was trying to daydream but my mind kept wandering.
Steven Wright
#8. I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
Steven Wright
#9. Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the
road an hour.
Steven Wright
#10. When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre.
Steven Wright
#11. I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
Steven Wright
#13. I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.
Steven Wright
#14. Cross-country skiing is fine as long as you live in a small country.
Steven Wright
#15. Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
Steven Wright
#16. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Steven Wright
#17. If heat rises, heaven must be hotter than hell.
Steven Wright
#18. I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!
Steven Wright
#19. What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
Steven Wright
#20. I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.
Steven Wright
#21. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
Steven Wright
#22. I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.
Steven Wright
#23. It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.
Steven Wright
#24. What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
Steven Wright
#25. When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.
Steven Wright
#26. I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
Steven Wright
#27. If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
Steven Wright
#28. I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
Steven Wright
#29. My socks DO match. They're the same thickness.
Steven Wright
#30. I'm standing behind a wall of jokes. You don't know about my personal life, my girlfriends, or what I do when I'm not on the road. There's this guy, this comedian, and this is how he thinks, but people really don't know anything about me.
Steven Wright
#31. I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
Steven Wright
#32. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
Steven Wright
#34. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
Steven Wright
#35. Why are they called buildings when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?
Steven Wright
#37. I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.
Steven Wright
#38. I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I've read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it's the same.
Steven Wright
#40. Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.
Steven Wright
#41. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?
Steven Wright
#42. I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.
Steven Wright
#44. I saw 'Tintin' in Europe - it is 'Indiana Jones' on steroids. Unbelievable. What a fantastic movie. Steven Spielberg, you rock the house. And working with those young English guys like Edgar Wright, and also Peter Jackson; what a great combination.
Harvey Weinstein
#45. You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading ... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
Steven Wright
#46. I took my dog for a walk ... all the way from New York to Florida ... I said to him "There now you're done."
Steven Wright
#47. One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him.
Steven Wright
#48. My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
Steven Wright
#49. I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.
Steven Wright
#50. The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
Steven Wright
#52. My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
Steven Wright
#53. Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn't give them to someone else, even for money. It just wouldn't seem right.
Steven Wright
#54. They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning. I like to live on the edge.
Steven Wright
#56. The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.
Steven Wright
#57. The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.
Steven Wright
#58. I'm seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There's no black and white to it. But sometimes I'm seeing it like I'm 4.
Steven Wright
#60. If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Steven Wright
#62. Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff?
Steven Wright
#63. If Dracula can't see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?
Steven Wright
#64. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Steven Wright
#65. I never even thought of myself as deadpan until someone wrote an article about me about a year after I was doing comedy. There was a paper called the 'Boston Phoenix,' and someone wrote a description of what I was doing and that's where I first saw 'deadpan.'
Steven Wright
#67. Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone ... when I came back the entire area was missing ...
Steven Wright
#70. If you melt dry ice in a pool and go swimming, will you get wet?
Steven Wright
#71. Why are there five syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
Steven Wright
#72. Today I dialed a wrong number ... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?" ... They said, "Uh ... I don't think so ... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."
Steven Wright
#73. A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.
Steven Wright
#74. Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?
Steven Wright
#75. I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
Steven Wright
#77. I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
Steven Wright
#78. So I figured I'd leave the area, because I had no ties there anyway except for this girl I was seeing. We had conflicting attitudes: I really wasn't into meditating and she wasn't really into being alive. I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate has an expiration date.
Steven Wright
#79. I love eating chocolate cake and ice cream after a show. I almost justify it in my mind as, 'You were a good boy onstage and you did your show, so now you can have some cake and ice cream.'
Steven Wright
#81. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store ... with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."
Steven Wright
#82. The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.
Steven Wright
#83. Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
Steven Wright
#85. Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
Steven Wright
#86. I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased the all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."
Steven Wright
#87. If you are sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
Steven Wright
#88. I have a quantum car. Every time I look at the speedometer I get lost.
Steven Wright
#89. The sky is falling. No, I'm tipping over backwards.
Steven Wright
#90. I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.
Steven Wright
#91. Imagine Oshkosh straitjackets for little insane children.
Steven Wright
#92. If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
Steven Wright
#93. If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell.
Steven Wright
#96. I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
Steven Wright
#97. One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read"
Steven Wright
#98. Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
Steven Wright
#99. When I die, I'm gonna leave my body to science fiction.
Steven Wright
#100. Always remember your unique, just like everone else
Steven Wright
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