Top 100 Quotes About Jerry Seinfeld

#1. I have a problem with that silver medal. It's like, 'Congratulation s, you almost won. Of all the losers, you're the number one loser. No one lost ahead of you.'

Jerry Seinfeld

Quotes About Jerry Seinfeld #611
#2. I was a big TV kid.When I was a kid, I would go home at 3:00 and watch TV straight through to the end of Letterman at 1:30 in the morning.I was obsessed with comics.And I would watch Jerry Seinfeld and Jay Leno and study them as if it was Tolstoy.

Judd Apatow

Quotes About Jerry Seinfeld #12587
#3. Pain is usually represented by lightning attacking the guy. Glowing redness is also popular. Sometimes parts of the guy would just burst into flames.

Jerry Seinfeld

Quotes About Jerry Seinfeld #14406
#4. I have a problem with the strip that runs along the bottom of the news programs. Don't these idiots who run the news programs know we don't want to read? That's why we're watching TV.

Jerry Seinfeld

Quotes About Jerry Seinfeld #25218
#5. A chef who doesn't wash his hands is like a cop who steals. It's a cry for help.

Jerry Seinfeld

Quotes About Jerry Seinfeld #25593
#6. Every day when everybody would have lunch I would do TM [Transcendental Meditation] and then I would eat while I was working because I had missed lunch but that is how I survived the 9 years [of Seinfeld], it was that 20 minutes in the middle of the day would save me.

Jerry Seinfeld

Quotes About Jerry Seinfeld #28363
#7. I like staying in hotels. I like their tiny soap. I like to pretend it's regular-sized and my muscles are huge.

Jerry Seinfeld

Quotes About Jerry Seinfeld #33714
#8. According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.

Jerry Seinfeld

Quotes About Jerry Seinfeld #41868
#9. Have you ever noticed how they keep improving your laundry detergent, but they still can't get those blue flakes out? Why do we trust them to get our clothes clean? These guys can't even get the DETERGENT white!

Jerry Seinfeld

Quotes About Jerry Seinfeld #61574
#10. I wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

Jerry Seinfeld

Quotes About Jerry Seinfeld #69994
#11. Nobody enjoys the 'little show about nothing' humor more than me, but that is never the way I look at it.

Jerry Seinfeld

Quotes About Jerry Seinfeld #70309
#12. We are all trying to get to the same island, whether you swim, fly, surf or skydiving. What matters is when the red light comes on.
Jerry Seinfeld to Michael Richards in Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee.

Jerry Seinfeld

Quotes About Jerry Seinfeld #73385
#13. I can't go to a bad movie by myself. What, am I gonna make sarcastic remarks to strangers?

Jerry Seinfeld

Quotes About Jerry Seinfeld #74048
#14. I won't do something unless I can get at least two or three good laughs out of it. If I can't, it's not gonna make the team.

Jerry Seinfeld

Quotes About Jerry Seinfeld #84980
#15. Why does McDonald's have to count every burger that they sell? What is their ultimate goal? Do they want cows to surrender voluntarily?

Jerry Seinfeld

Quotes About Jerry Seinfeld #94858
#16. Things that make me laugh range from a wonderful stand-up like Jerry Seinfeld, Louis C.K. and Chris Rock to my son Gabe, who does great improv work. I also look backwards to the great comedic actors like Jackie Gleason, Paul Lynde and Phil Silvers.

Jason Alexander

Quotes About Jerry Seinfeld #102636
#17. Men like a ref decision because they just want to get back to the game.

Jerry Seinfeld

Quotes About Jerry Seinfeld #104184
#18. The biggest laugh has to come at the end.

Jerry Seinfeld

Quotes About Jerry Seinfeld #106807
#19. I wonder is illiterate people know the full meaning of alphabet soup?

Jerry Seinfeld

Quotes About Jerry Seinfeld #118042
#20. A really hard laugh is like sex-one of the ultimate diversions of existence.

Jerry Seinfeld

Quotes About Jerry Seinfeld #124093
#21. Fear of success is one of the new fears I've heard about lately. And I think its definitely a sign that we're running out of fears. A person suffering from fear of success is scraping the bottom of the fear barrel.

Jerry Seinfeld

Quotes About Jerry Seinfeld #133764
#22. There are more social skills required to talk one-on-one [than to an audience]. You don't have to be socially fluid to talk to two thousand people.

Jerry Seinfeld

Quotes About Jerry Seinfeld #139465
#23. Boy, I miss the days they made toys that could kill a kid.

Jerry Seinfeld

Quotes About Jerry Seinfeld #142949
#24. Twitter is good. Why say a lot to a few people when you can say virtually nothing to everyone?

Jerry Seinfeld

Quotes About Jerry Seinfeld #149905
#25. Dogs have no money. Isn't that amazing? They're broke their entire lives. But they get through. You know why dogs have no money? .. No Pockets.

Jerry Seinfeld

Quotes About Jerry Seinfeld #158191
#26. Funny is the world I live in. You're funny, I'm interested. You're not funny, I'm not interested.

Jerry Seinfeld

Quotes About Jerry Seinfeld #159009
#27. You want to do good things, and once you've done a couple of good things in a row, you think 'Well gee, let's not mess this up.' But I am lucky at this point that I have something I really love to do, and it completely holds my attention. I never feel frustrated by it.

Jerry Seinfeld

Quotes About Jerry Seinfeld #159916
#28. There's nothing more fun than entertaining kids.

Jerry Seinfeld

Quotes About Jerry Seinfeld #161253
#29. The toughest nights when I was a young, unknown comedian were opening for these real old-time Italian singers. I'm like Grace Jones to them. "This guy is nuts-talking about socks. Where's the wife jokes, where's the fat jokes?"

Jerry Seinfeld

Quotes About Jerry Seinfeld #182026
#30. There's no way that moving in with your parents is a sign that your life is on track.

Jerry Seinfeld

Quotes About Jerry Seinfeld #183608
#31. You spend so much time in the world of virtual that the actual - which nothing is more actual than stand-up - it's a painful experience for the audience, and the comedian a lot of time - we miss that.

Jerry Seinfeld

Quotes About Jerry Seinfeld #188497
#32. I've compiled a book from the Internet. It's a book of quotations attributed to the wrong people.

Jerry Seinfeld

Quotes About Jerry Seinfeld #191518
#33. Elaine: Ugh, I hate people. Jerry: Yeah, they're the worst.

Jerry Seinfeld

Quotes About Jerry Seinfeld #193711
#34. Writer's block is a phony, made up, BS excuse for not doing your work.

Jerry Seinfeld

Quotes About Jerry Seinfeld #197731
#35. The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun.

Jerry Seinfeld

Quotes About Jerry Seinfeld #199332
#36. I like definitive things.

Jerry Seinfeld

Quotes About Jerry Seinfeld #201526
#37. I wouldn't call myself a standup in the presence of Jerry Seinfeld or Chris Rock, but I do my share of it and it has been and remains part of my activity and I like it.

Alan Thicke

Quotes About Jerry Seinfeld #207299
#38. I'll tell you what I like about Chinese people: they're hanging in there with the chop sticks, aren't they? You know they've seen the fork. They're staying with the sticks.

Jerry Seinfeld

Quotes About Jerry Seinfeld #209619
#39. And that's when I realized, when you're a kid you don't need a costume, you ARE superman.

Jerry Seinfeld

Quotes About Jerry Seinfeld #215257
#40. If I want a long boring story with no point to it, I have my life.

Jerry Seinfeld

Quotes About Jerry Seinfeld #217561
#41. There's a tremendous power and energy in sharing your life with another person.

Jerry Seinfeld

Quotes About Jerry Seinfeld #224869
#42. Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.

Jerry Seinfeld

Quotes About Jerry Seinfeld #229243
#43. Everybody in New York City knows there's way more cars than parking spaces. You see cars driving in New York all hours of the night. Its like musical chairs except everybody sat down around 1964.

Jerry Seinfeld

Quotes About Jerry Seinfeld #231269
#44. I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can't smell it. Can't eat it. Can't taste it. The end of the show they hold it up to the camera, 'Well, here it is. You can't have any. Thanks for watching. Goodbye.'

Jerry Seinfeld

Quotes About Jerry Seinfeld #235196
#45. I do not know why anyone would host an awards show. No matter how unbelievably well you do at it, the only thing that can happen is you get asked again to host an awards show.

Jerry Seinfeld

Quotes About Jerry Seinfeld #236409
#46. Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.

Jerry Seinfeld

Quotes About Jerry Seinfeld #258910
#47. The human body is like a condominium. The thing that keeps you from really enjoying it is the maintenance.

Jerry Seinfeld

Quotes About Jerry Seinfeld #267385
#48. Work is the least important thing and family is the most important.

Jerry Seinfeld

Quotes About Jerry Seinfeld #269573
#49. I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.

Jerry Seinfeld

Quotes About Jerry Seinfeld #271197
#50. People on dates shouldn't even be allowed out in public.

Jerry Seinfeld

Quotes About Jerry Seinfeld #276925
#51. Well, all comedy starts with anger. You get angry, and its never for a good reason, right? You know its not a good reason. And then you try and work it from there.

Jerry Seinfeld

Quotes About Jerry Seinfeld #286772
#52. People should get married because they have finally seen the folly of being single: "Oh, this is all just kind of a bad magic trick. I just keep bending over to reach for this wallet on a string. How much longer am I gonna do that?"

Jerry Seinfeld

Quotes About Jerry Seinfeld #287115
#53. I can't eat chicken and look at strippers at the same time.

Jerry Seinfeld

Quotes About Jerry Seinfeld #287267
#54. There is no such thing as an attention span. There is only the quality of what you are viewing. This whole idea of an attention span is, I think, a misnomer. People have an infinite attention span if you are entertaining them.

Jerry Seinfeld

Quotes About Jerry Seinfeld #295335
#55. Most people, you do a TV series, it ends three, four, five years later; it's a relic,

Jerry Seinfeld

Quotes About Jerry Seinfeld #302040
#56. Stand-up is hard.

Jerry Seinfeld

Quotes About Jerry Seinfeld #318335
#57. i chose not to run

Jerry Seinfeld

Quotes About Jerry Seinfeld #322925
#58. The worst thing about television is that everybody you see on television is doing something better than what you're doing. You never see anybody on TV just sliding off the front of the sofa, with potato chip crumbs all over their shirt.

Jerry Seinfeld

Quotes About Jerry Seinfeld #324674
#59. A bookstore is one of the only pieces of physical evidence we have that people are still thinking.

Jerry Seinfeld

Quotes About Jerry Seinfeld #326662
#60. Pay attention, don't let life go by you. Fall in love with the back of your cereal box.

Jerry Seinfeld

Quotes About Jerry Seinfeld #335453
#61. Introducing 'Lite': the new way to spell 'Light'; but with twenty per cent fewer letters.

Jerry Seinfeld

Quotes About Jerry Seinfeld #339408
#62. What is this obsession people have with books? They put them in their houses like they're trophies. What do you need it for after you read it?

Jerry Seinfeld

Quotes About Jerry Seinfeld #340046
#63. The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun.

Jerry Seinfeld

Quotes About Jerry Seinfeld #359179
#64. I've been car crazy my whole life, since I was nine years old. It's just something I'm very aware of.

Jerry Seinfeld

Quotes About Jerry Seinfeld #374459
#65. I'll tell you one thing, since I'm married, single people look absolutely ridiculous to me.

Jerry Seinfeld

Quotes About Jerry Seinfeld #376663
#66. Being a stand-up is my mission in life; it's my passion. My ongoing goal is to simply be funny, on my own, in front of a roomful of strangers.

Jerry Seinfeld

Quotes About Jerry Seinfeld #376923
#67. The only way a show works is you find people who you think are qualified and talented and you give them a chance to do what they do.

Jerry Seinfeld

Quotes About Jerry Seinfeld #383524
#68. Once you start doing only what you've already proven you can do, you're on the road to death.

Jerry Seinfeld

Quotes About Jerry Seinfeld #383539
#69. You'll fold faster than Superman on laundry day

Jerry Seinfeld

Quotes About Jerry Seinfeld #404670
#70. I have no interest in gender or race or anything like that. But everyone else is kind of, with their calculating - is this the exact right mix? I think that's - to me it's anti-comedy. It's more about PC-nonsense.

Jerry Seinfeld

Quotes About Jerry Seinfeld #407836
#71. Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.

Jerry Seinfeld

Quotes About Jerry Seinfeld #414196
#72. The truth is, the family is much more creatively nourishing because you're playing on a full keyboard. Whereas when you're single, you're just playing the upbeat jazzy tunes.

Jerry Seinfeld

Quotes About Jerry Seinfeld #421383
#73. If airline seat cushions are such great flotation devices, why don't you ever see anyone take one to the beach?

Jerry Seinfeld

Quotes About Jerry Seinfeld #424444
#74. Crankiness is at the essence of all comedy. My wife and I were discussing the different types of cranky. There's entertaining cranky, annoying cranky, angry cranky.

Jerry Seinfeld

Quotes About Jerry Seinfeld #425068
#75. No encounter, mouth open up ... that is how the drug businesses see the general public.

Jerry Seinfeld

Quotes About Jerry Seinfeld #427585
#76. I admire the hell out of her. You can't have sex with someone you admire.

Jerry Seinfeld

Quotes About Jerry Seinfeld #438084
#77. There are very few people who really appreciate my shows. People come to the show and they pay and they enjoy it, but I don't really think most people really understand what they've seen.

Jerry Seinfeld

Quotes About Jerry Seinfeld #440097
#78. Wise is what you want to be. Smart is easy compared to wise.

Jerry Seinfeld

Quotes About Jerry Seinfeld #440193
#79. People don't think of their office as a workplace anymore. They think of it as a stationary store with Danish. You want to get your pastry, your envelopes, your supplies, your toilet paper, six cups of coffee, and you go home.

Jerry Seinfeld

Quotes About Jerry Seinfeld #440944
#80. To a guy like me, a laugh is full of information.

Jerry Seinfeld

Quotes About Jerry Seinfeld #452791
#81. Ask not what I can do for you. Ask what you can do for me

Jerry Seinfeld

Quotes About Jerry Seinfeld #458824
#82. I grew up loving David Letterman and Pee-wee Herman, but as far as live performance comedy, all I knew were the Jerry Seinfeld-type comedians of the world, and that's what I thought live performance comedy was all about.

Scott Aukerman

Quotes About Jerry Seinfeld #462318
#83. Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic - you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner.

Jerry Seinfeld

Quotes About Jerry Seinfeld #470235
#84. To me, a lawyer is basically the person that knows the rules of the country. We're all throwing the dice, playing the game, moving our pieces around the board, but if there is a problem the lawyer is the only person who has read the inside of the top of the box.

Jerry Seinfeld

Quotes About Jerry Seinfeld #477134
#85. Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but okay to go the bathroom in a handicapped stall?

Jerry Seinfeld

Quotes About Jerry Seinfeld #483324
#86. I didn't know every day I would be discussing the tone of my voice with my wife. I thought it was a marriage. Apparently, it's a musical.

Jerry Seinfeld

Quotes About Jerry Seinfeld #496080
#87. My theory is 98 percent of all human endeavor is killing time.

Jerry Seinfeld

Quotes About Jerry Seinfeld #496874
#88. The worst way of flying, I think, is standby. It never works. That's why they call it standby. You end up standing there going, 'Bye!'

Jerry Seinfeld

Quotes About Jerry Seinfeld #497733
#89. I love the day date. No wine, no shower.

Jerry Seinfeld

Quotes About Jerry Seinfeld #508333
#90. I think vacations are mostly completely stupid. Going to have coffee with a friend, you're probably going to have more fun than if you go to Aruba.

Jerry Seinfeld

Quotes About Jerry Seinfeld #515462
#91. Festivus for the Restivus!

Jerry Seinfeld

Quotes About Jerry Seinfeld #520609
#92. I prefer the old theaters because the audience is ... trapped.

Jerry Seinfeld

Quotes About Jerry Seinfeld #523865
#93. A lot of advertising has gotten worse. I think it's kind of lost its nerve, to be honest with you. I feel like the advertising of the '60s, they were nervier. You know why? Because there was less at stake.

Jerry Seinfeld

Quotes About Jerry Seinfeld #524709
#94. The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!

Jerry Seinfeld

Quotes About Jerry Seinfeld #526597
#95. I see TV ads about detergents that can get blood stains out of your cloths. I say if you have blood stains on your cloths you should be thinking about something other than laundry.

Jerry Seinfeld

Quotes About Jerry Seinfeld #532035
#96. Men want to make women happy.

Jerry Seinfeld

Quotes About Jerry Seinfeld #534565
#97. Yeah, like Bizarro Superman, Superman's exact opposite, who lives in the backwards Bizarro world. Up is down, down is up, he says hello when he leaves, goodbye when he arrives.

Jerry Seinfeld

Quotes About Jerry Seinfeld #547234
#98. Artists are always looking for new things and fresh ground and fresh air. If it feels new to me, there's a chance it'll feel new to the audience and we'll have found something.

Jerry Seinfeld

Quotes About Jerry Seinfeld #566897
#99. To me, if life boils down to one thing, it's movement. To live is to keep moving.

Jerry Seinfeld

Quotes About Jerry Seinfeld #580330
#100. They seal the subway change-booth guy up inside this thing with bullet-proof glass, closed in on all sides, it's like some kind of Houdini torture tank of doom. How do you breathe in there? It looks like if you put your hand over the change slot, you could suffocate him in thirty seconds.

Jerry Seinfeld

Quotes About Jerry Seinfeld #581218

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