Quotes About Groucho Marx

#1. Firefly: Now that you're Secretary of War, what kind of an army do you think we oughta have? Chicolini: Well, I tell you what I think. I think we should have a standing army. Firefly: Why should we have a standing army? Chicolini: Because then we save money on chairs.

Groucho Marx

#2. What have future generations ever done for us?

Groucho Marx

#3. He's so full of alcohol, if you put a lighted wick in his mouth he'd burn for three days.

Groucho Marx

#4. I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.

Groucho Marx

#5. Boogey boogey boogey

Groucho Marx

#6. If he's been married for 31 years, he's not the same man.

Groucho Marx

#7. Policeman: "A hermit eh? Then why's your table set for four?"
Groucho: "That's nothing. My alarm clock is set for eight.

Groucho Marx

#8. Dig trenches? With our men being killed off like flies? There isn't time to dig trenches. We'll have to buy them ready made.

Groucho Marx

#9. I'm not a vegetarian, but I eat animals who are.

Groucho Marx

#10. Celebrate the cracks, because that's how the light comes in.

Groucho Marx

#11. No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend.

Groucho Marx

#12. No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.

Groucho Marx

#13. That's bad luck: three on a midget. From At The Circus

Groucho Marx

#14. I did toy with the idea of doing a cook-book ... I think a lot of people who hate literature but love fried eggs would buy it if the price was right.

Groucho Marx

#15. I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30.

Groucho Marx

#16. I was born at a very early age. Before I had time to regret it, I was four and a half years old.

Groucho Marx

#17. It is impossible to design anything that is foolproof because fools are so ingenious.

Groucho Marx

#18. Years ago, I tried to top everybody, but I don't anymore. I realized it was killing conversation. When you're always trying for a topper you aren't really listening. It ruins communication

Groucho Marx

#19. Oh, why can't we break away from all this, just you and I, and lodge with my fleas in the hills? I mean flee to my lodge in the hills

Groucho Marx

#20. Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

Groucho Marx

#21. If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.

Groucho Marx

#22. This would be a better place for children if parents had to eat spinach.

Groucho Marx

#23. Groucho Marx, in his later days, gave me the best review I've ever had and probably will ever have. I changed a light bulb over his bed, and when I came off of his bed with the used one after putting the new one in, Groucho said, 'That's the best acting I've ever seen you do.'

Elliott Gould

#24. I can't understand why you don't get any mail from me. Perhaps it's because I haven't been writing

Groucho Marx

#25. I've known and respected your husband for many years, and what's good enough for him is good enough for me

Groucho Marx

#26. Groucho Marx shot back angrily, "The Sandy McPhersons and Yonny Yohnsons were not a minority being subjected to oppression, restriction, segregation or persecution.

Kliph Nesteroff

#27. You're heading for a breakdown. Why don't you pull yourself to pieces

Groucho Marx

#28. Here lies Groucho Marx and Lies and Lies and Lies P.S. He never kissed an ugly girl.

Groucho Marx

#29. All people are born alike ... except Republicans and Democrats.

Groucho Marx

#30. Most young women do not welcome promiscuous advances. (Either that, or my luck's terrible.)

Groucho Marx

#31. I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

Groucho Marx

#32. Only if the computers really love each other.

Groucho Marx

#33. Hello, I must be going.

Groucho Marx

#34. With a little study you'll go a long ways, and I wish you'd start now

Groucho Marx

#35. I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

Groucho Marx

#36. Humor is reason gone mad.

Groucho Marx

#37. If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

Groucho Marx

#38. I'll never forget my wedding day ... they threw vitamin pills

Groucho Marx

#39. Money will not make you happy, and happy will not make you money.

Groucho Marx

#40. There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of one's fellow man.

Groucho Marx

#41. I hope they bury me near a strait man

Groucho Marx

#42. I was always a fan of Groucho Marx as a kid.

Michael Feldman

#43. Every time someone turns on a TV, I go in the other room and read.

Groucho Marx

#44. Don't be silly. I'll write you twice a week.

Groucho Marx

#45. Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

Groucho Marx

#46. I know, I know - you're a woman who's had a lot of tough breaks. Well, we can clean and tighten those brakes, but you'll have to stay in the garage all night.

Groucho Marx

#47. Africa is God's country, and He can have it.

Groucho Marx

#48. With the possible exception of clothes, beauty salons and Frank Sinatra, there are few subjects all women agree upon.

Groucho Marx

#49. Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

Groucho Marx

#50. Since my daughter is only half-Jewish, could she go in the water up to her knees?

Groucho Marx

#51. I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down

Groucho Marx

#52. I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.

Groucho Marx

#53. Don't let the fear of the thorn keep you from the rose.

Groucho Marx

#54. He thinks I look alike!

Groucho Marx

#55. This book was written in those long hours I spent waiting for my wife to get dressed to go out. And if she had never gotten dressed at all this book would never have been written.

Groucho Marx

#56. If you're not having fun, you're doing something wrong.

Groucho Marx

#57. Always examine the dice.

Groucho Marx

#58. Some day there will have to be some new rules established about name-calling. I don't mean the routine cursing that goes on between husband and wife, but the naming of defenseless, unsuspecting babies.

Groucho Marx

#59. I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

Groucho Marx

#60. In any relationship, the woman has control, the clever ones don't let the men know.

Groucho Marx

#61. Clear? Huh! Why a four-year-old child could understand this report! Run out and find me a four-year-old child, I can't make head or tail of it.

Groucho Marx

#62. I'm going to Iowa for an award. Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall, it's sold out. Then I'm sailing to France to be honored by the French government - I'd give it all up for one erection.

Groucho Marx

#63. Budget: a way of going broke methodically

Groucho Marx

#64. Room service? Send up a larger room.
[A Night at the Opera]

Groucho Marx

#65. If they'd lower the taxes and get rid of the smog and clean up the traffic mess, I really believe I'd settle here until the next earthquake.

Groucho Marx

#66. I write by ear. I tried writing with the typewriter, but I found it too unwieldy

Groucho Marx

#67. You are going Uruguay, and I'm going my way

Groucho Marx

#68. Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Groucho Marx

#69. TV is the rat race of the century.

Groucho Marx

#70. Now there's a man with an open mind - you can feel the breeze from here!

Groucho Marx

#71. Those are my principles, and if you don't like them ... well I have others.

Groucho Marx

#72. She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

Groucho Marx

#73. In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people.

Groucho Marx

#74. Women should be obscene, not heard.

Groucho Marx

#75. Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel.

Groucho Marx

#76. You call this a party? The beer is warm, the women cold and I'm hot under the collar

Groucho Marx

#77. My brother thinks he's a chicken-We don't talk him out of it because we need the eggs

Groucho Marx

#78. No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.

Groucho Marx

#79. I was changing a light bulb over Groucho Marx's bed, so I took my shoes off, got on his bed and changed the bulb. When I got off the bed he said: 'That's the best acting you've ever done.'

Elliott Gould

#80. Today's Father Day and we're giving you a tie, it's not much you know, it's just our way of showing you, you're a regular guy.

Groucho Marx

#81. I think you've got something there, but I'll wait outside until you clean it up

Groucho Marx

#82. I cannot say that I don't disagree with you.

Groucho Marx

#83. Would you mind getting off that fly paper and giving the flies a chance?"
"Ahhh, you can't trick me! Flies don't read papers!

Groucho Marx

#84. Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh ... now you tell me what you know.

Groucho Marx

#85. How do you feel about women's rights? I like either side of them.

Groucho Marx

#86. As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife.

Groucho Marx

#87. I'm gonna put extra blankets, free, in all your rooms, and there'll be no cover charge

Groucho Marx

#88. Firefly: Where is your husband? Mrs. Teasdale: Why, he's dead. Firefly: I'll bet he's just using that as an excuse. Mrs. Teasdale: I was with him to the very end. Firefly: Hmmph. No wonder he passed away. Mrs. Teasdale: I held him in my arms and kissed him. Firefly: Oh I see. Then, it was murder.

Groucho Marx

#89. I never go to movies where the hero's tits are bigger than the heroine's.

Groucho Marx

#90. Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.

Groucho Marx

#91. The only real laughter comes from despair.

Groucho Marx

#92. I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Groucho Marx

#93. I hate London when it's not raining.

Groucho Marx

#94. We took pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed ... But we're going back next week.

Groucho Marx

#95. Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.

Groucho Marx

#96. Hey, when I said work fast, I didn't mean your friend, I meant the maid.

Groucho Marx

#97. If it gets any hotter in here I could use a big fan.

Groucho Marx

#98. Remember, the grass is always greener where you don't happen to be the neighbor.

Groucho Marx

#99. Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to
your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any
difference.

Groucho Marx

#100. A woman can smell mink through six inches of lead.

Groucho Marx