Top 100 Milton Berle Quotes
#1. Right when I started in show ... Milton Berle was my first idol. When I was a kid, I went to see Milton at Lowe's State, and I never laughed so much, and I said, 'That's who I want to be; that's what I want to be.'
Alan King
#2. I remember tap-dancing and singing in front of the TV when I was a kid, telling my dad to stop watching Ed Sullivan or Milton Berle and watch me.
Andie MacDowell
#3. There was a time ... when people didn't go out of their house on Tuesday night at eight o'clock because Milton Berle was on.
Ed McMahon
#4. There were some television sets back in the '50s, but they were expensive. People would gather at the rich guy's apartment down the hall to watch Milton Berle on his 10-inch black-and-white screen.
Al Feldstein
#5. The choreographer for the Milton Berle show wanted me to audition. I walked away from that.
Danny Aiello
#6. I think in my case, I had no choice but to have a good sense of humor. I grew up with my dad, Danny Thomas, and George Burns and Bob Hope and Milton Berle and Sid Caesar and all those guys were at our house all the time and telling jokes and making each other laugh.
Marlo Thomas
#7. The only ones who like Milton Berle are his mother - and the public.
Walter Winchell
#8. Don't you understand how dramatic it is to be a comic? To be a fool, to get people to laugh at this show-off? Milton Berle could take Laurence Olivier and stick him under the table if he wanted to. And so could I.
Jerry Lewis
#9. Milton Berle is an inspiration to every young person that wants to get into show business. Hard work, perseverance, and discipline: all the things you need ... when you have no talent.
Dean Martin
#10. Comedian Milton Berle once said, 'If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door!' In
Ashwin Sanghi
#11. Milton took vaudeville, which, if you look up 'vaudeville' in the dictionary, right alongside of it, it says 'Milton Berle' - and he made it just a tremendous party.
Alan King
#12. An insult is mean or unkind. Milton Berle called me the Sultan of Insult, and I was called the King of Insult. But the guy that gave me the best title - and I use it to this day - was Johnny Carson. He called me Mr. Warmth.
Don Rickles
#13. My wife wants something foreign for Christmas - like a Mexican divorce.
Milton Berle
#14. Money can't buy you happiness, but it helps you look for it in a lot more places.
Milton Berle
#15. Do you want to feel insecure? Count the number of Christmas cards you sent out, and then count those you received.
Milton Berle
#16. Laughter is the best medicine in the world.
Milton Berle
#18. My son has a big Christmas problem - what do you buy for a father who has everything and you're using it?
Milton Berle
#19. If you hire relatives, you'll have a payroll that won't quit.
Milton Berle
#20. I bought an ideal gift for my mother-in-law - a battery-operated mouth.
Milton Berle
#21. I have a file of four million jokes ... I have them cross-indexed. Whatever subject you want, I have a joke on it.
Milton Berle
#22. She was nice to him on Valentine's Day. She gave him a heart-shaped rash.
Milton Berle
#23. I bought a Christmas tree for twenty dollars. When I came home the next day, my wife was wearing it in her hair.
Milton Berle
#24. When I was in school, one of my teachers was crazy about me. I once heard her tell another teacher, "I wish he was my kid for one day!"
Milton Berle
#25. War toys are scary. They have a rocket launcher with a bayonet attached, in case you miss.
Milton Berle
#26. The last time I saw Marilyn was in late 1959, when I appeared in Let's Make Love at Fox. The wide-eyed Marilyn I had first known was gone. This Marilyn was more beautiful than ever.
Milton Berle
#27. The Post Office is very careful nowadays. When they get a package marked "Fragile," they throw it underhand.
Milton Berle
#28. Los Angeles is the home of the three little white lies: "The Ferrari is paid for," "The mortgage is assumable," and "It's just a cold sore!
Milton Berle
#29. Committee - a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours.
Milton Berle
#30. The only place success comes before is in the dictionary
Milton Berle
#31. I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting.
Milton Berle
#32. For Christmas the just came out with a battery-operated battery. But the batteries aren't included.
Milton Berle
#33. It's amazing how fast later comes when you buy now.
Milton Berle
#34. Who says we didn't have controversial subjects on TV back in my time? Remember Bonanza? It was about three guys in high heels living together
Milton Berle
#36. They've got plastic Christmas trees now. They're hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.
Milton Berle
#37. My son gave me a nice bottle of cologne - Eau de Owe.
Milton Berle
#38. She wanted an Italian sports car - with the sport still in it.
Milton Berle
#39. Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases.
Milton Berle
#40. Our local department store had two Santas - one for regular kids and one for kids who wanted ten toys or less.
Milton Berle
#41. For every studen with a spark of brilliance, there are about ten with ignition trouble.
Milton Berle
#42. I gave my wife a gift certificate for Christmas. She ran out to exchange it for a bigger size.
Milton Berle
#43. I received a lot of complaints from parents who wrote and told me that their kids wouldn't go to sleep until our show was over. So I went on the air and told all the children watching to 'listen to their Uncle Miltie and go to bed right after the show.'
Milton Berle
#44. The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring.
Milton Berle
#45. One of those Christmas songs says, "You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout." How's my wife going to get along?
Milton Berle
#46. Most attorneys practice law because it gives them a grand and glorious feeling. You give them a grand - and they feel glorious.
Milton Berle
#47. A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
Milton Berle
#48. Some kids want to know why the teachers get paid when it's the kids who have to do all the work.
Milton Berle
#49. My son asked for very little - a kickstand, with a motorcycle attached.
Milton Berle
#50. Every year my boss used to give me a bottle of expensive brandy because I'd told him that my doctor suggested a drink once in a while. This year my boss gave me the name of a new doctor.
Milton Berle
#51. I just bought a great gift for my boss - a leaky ant farm.
Milton Berle
#52. I have a brother who is afraid to go to sleep, he dreams he's working.
Milton Berle
#53. I bought my son an indestructible toy. Yesterday he left it in the driveway. It broke my car.
Milton Berle
#54. You're aging when your actions creak louder than your words.
Milton Berle
#55. The only thing that can break a piece of Valentine candy is another piece of Valentine candy.
Milton Berle
#56. At eighty-two, I feel like a twenty-year-old, but, unfortunately, there's never one around.
Milton Berle
#57. They've finally comes up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.
Milton Berle
#58. I don't date women my age. There aren't any.
Milton Berle
#59. My wife is a real Puritan. She thinks licking the stamp on the envelope of a Valentine is foreplay.
Milton Berle
#60. You don't need to travel, laughter is an instant vacation
Milton Berle
#61. It was a tough school. The kids on the debating team took steroids!
Milton Berle
#62. I bought my son a bat for Christmas. On New Year's it flew away.
Milton Berle
#63. I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?
Milton Berle
#64. A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, "Did you miss a step?"
"No," he answers, "I hit every one of them!
Milton Berle
#65. Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.
Milton Berle
#66. Now that doctors have stopped making house calls, lots of patients now have to die without their help.
Milton Berle
#67. This is how it is today: The teachers are afraid of the principals. The principals are afraid of the superintendents. The superintendents are afraid of the board of education. The board is afraid of the parents. The parents are afraid of the children. The children are afraid of nothing!
Milton Berle
#68. My son really has the spirit of Valentine's Day. When he was in college, he used to send his mother a heart-shaped box of laundry.
Milton Berle
#69. I was in a department store and I saw a weird-looking gadget. I asked the young saleslady what it was. She answered, "It doesn't do anything. It's just a Christmas gift."
Milton Berle
#70. My brother applied for work, but was told by the company that it had more employees than it needed. My brother said, "Don't worry. The little bit of work I do won't be noticed !!!"
Milton Berle
#71. Just remember, golf is flog spelled backwards.
Milton Berle
#72. People say I owe a lot to television. The fact is I was a star long before television. What TV made me is unemployed.
Milton Berle
#73. Sir, I didn't deserve the grade you gave me on this test. Do you know a lower one?
Milton Berle
#74. When opportunity doesn't knock, create a door
Milton Berle
#75. I know why superman left krypton. Earth was the only place where he could get steriods!
Milton Berle
#76. You look like a normal person, if you can find a normal person who wants to look like that.
Milton Berle
#77. I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman.
Milton Berle
#78. I really doubt whether evolution ever works, how then come Mothers have only two hands
Milton Berle
#79. A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Milton Berle
#80. I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn't give her a fancy gift. And I didn't.
Milton Berle
#81. A young man fills out an application for a job and does well until he gets to the last question, "Who Should we notify in case of an accident?" He mulls it over and then writes, "Anybody in sight!"
Milton Berle
#82. You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.
Milton Berle
#83. He was such a bad writer, they revoked his poetic license.
Milton Berle
#84. Talk about cheap - on Christmas Eve, my neighbour shoots off three blanks and tells his kids Santa Claus just committed suicide.
Milton Berle
#85. Like every comedian, if I heard a joke that I thought would work, I used it.
Milton Berle
#86. It's always consoling to know that today's Christmas gifts are tomorrow's garage sales.
Milton Berle
#87. There are a lot of things money can't buy. Not one of them is on my son's list.
Milton Berle
#88. In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn't say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours.
Milton Berle
#89. I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat.
Milton Berle
#90. Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.
Milton Berle
#91. My wife can't figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who's had everything up to here?
Milton Berle
#92. Nowadays, when a speaker tells the graduates that the future is theirs
is that a promise or a threat?
Milton Berle
#93. One teacher recently retired with a half-million dollars after 30 years of working hard, caring, dedicating herself and totally immensing herself in the problems of the students. That gave her $50. The rest of the money came from the death of a rich uncle.
Milton Berle
#94. I'd rather be a 'could-be' if I cannot be an 'are' because a 'could-be' is a 'maybe' who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a 'has-been' than a 'might-have-been' by far; for a 'might-have-been' has never been, but a 'has' was once an 'are.
Milton Berle
#95. A man is hit by a car while crossing a Beverly Hills street. A woman rushes to him and cradles his head in her lap, asking, Are you comfortable? The man answers, I make a nice living.
Milton Berle
#96. This man's wife told him, "For Christmas, surprise me." On Christmas Eve he leaned over where she was sleeping and said, "Boo!"
Milton Berle
#97. The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.
Milton Berle
#98. My wife and I were shopping for the whole family. In the music department my wife said, "Let's get your nephew a set of drums. That's what your brother did to us last year."
Milton Berle
#100. We owe a lot to Thomas Edison-if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.
Milton Berle
Famous Authors
Popular Topics
Scroll to Top
