Top 100 Letterman Quotes
#1. Probably the most fun I've ever had, actually, acting. Because it was the perfect extension of the stuff that I'd started to do on Late Night With David Letterman, and when I look back on all my work, it was probably the best possible incarnation of Chris Elliott, of me.
Chris Elliott
#2. I was a big TV kid.When I was a kid, I would go home at 3:00 and watch TV straight through to the end of Letterman at 1:30 in the morning.I was obsessed with comics.And I would watch Jerry Seinfeld and Jay Leno and study them as if it was Tolstoy.
Judd Apatow
#3. In the world of late-night comics, Letterman made us feel any hometown boy from Indianapolis could poke fun at celebrities and politicians and do it right to their faces.
Chris Matthews
#4. I've been on Letterman a couple of times. I've been on Leno more than a couple times, and now Letterman hates me because I've been on Leno more than him. They're very jealous of one another, as you know.
Mitt Romney
#5. CBS is proud to have been the home of David Letterman since 1993. He is truly one of the great talents of our time, and we hope things work out.
Leslie Moonves
#6. I had some jokes that were dirty. And some of it is when I started making appearances on Conan and Letterman back in the late '90s, I think. You had to remove the curse words, or you couldn't do some of the more explicit jokes.
Jim Gaffigan
#7. Hey, you know what, I've gotta go on that 'Letterman' show. That show is so lame.
Al Gore
#8. He could be wearing a red letterman's jacket, driving around in a Corvette with the top down, one arm on the steering wheel, on his way to pick up his girl for the sock hop.
Jenny Han
#9. The most nerve-wracking experience is an oral presentation in class. And right under that would be doing 'Saturday Night Live' or 'David Letterman.' One of those shows.
Rivers Cuomo
#10. I've been been on the cover of TV Guide, on every single talk and entertainment show except Letterman. It's interesting being older and dealing with this kind of success. I'm more appreciative of it now, and I don't take it for granted.
John Stamos
#11. You know the quickest way to get comedians to hate you? Do Letterman at age 24.
Mike Birbiglia
#12. I was a huge David Letterman fan, even going back to when he was on NBC. My parents would only let me watch a half hour of television a day, so I would record Letterman the night before and then watch it when I came home from school. That's what made me want to do a T.V. show.
Trevor Moore
#13. Going on Letterman is like going off the high dive. It's exhilarating, but after a while it wasn't the kind of thrill I enjoyed.
Lynda Barry
#14. The idea that I would ever end up on David Letterman or Jay Leno is horrifying. I am such a freak in comparison to most other twenty-five-year-old guys. I have no idea what other people are thinking. I'm not really in touch.
Jared Leto
#15. Yeah, I screamed in [Daniel Radcliffe's] face. We were both doing Letterman. I grabbed him by the shoulder. Of course, I'm in 6-inch heels. That makes me 6-foot-4. I'm towering over him, saying, 'I love Harry Potter!' His security people were nodding to each other - should we go?
Jennifer Lawrence
#16. Some people are just really goofy kind of guitar acts, and they go out and do these colleges and start making a fortune pretty early on. And other people - I know guys who are great comics, who've done the Letterman show many times, who still barely pay their bills.
Greg Giraldo
#17. People forget your face after a book tour or an infrequent appearance on Letterman, but put your face on your books and you're handing them your life. They presume to know what you think or who you are.
Katherine Reay
#18. I think the first time I was on The David Letterman Show, he didn't quite know what to expect. I think people generally are just a little afraid.
Paul Reubens
#19. I grew up loving David Letterman and Pee-wee Herman, but as far as live performance comedy, all I knew were the Jerry Seinfeld-type comedians of the world, and that's what I thought live performance comedy was all about.
Scott Aukerman
#20. Smiled like a homecoming queen, Pit Bull Terrier with a new collar, actress on the Letterman show.
Dennis Vickers
#21. I feel good about being able to take bluegrass on to television like 'Letterman' and 'The View,' and I've heard nice things about being able to do that. I really haven't felt any negativity toward me or my music.
Steve Martin
#22. When I was growing up, I wanted to do Letterman and I loved that live, in-studio model. I still would do something like that.
Scott Aukerman
#23. We will try to honor David Letterman achievement by doing the best show we can.And occasionally making the network very mad at us.
Stephen Colbert
#24. Letterman is very intimidating because he's so funny, so you have to be really prepared. Also, he's a little squeamish about certain things, so you have to always be on guard to please him.
Norm MacDonald
#25. I always knew that it was going to be an uphill climb to replace Letterman from complete obscurity with no experience, but I think I had to go through it to know exactly what a titanic effort that was going to be.
Conan O'Brien
#26. I was always the class clown; I made my family laugh, and that was when I was always happiest. I grew up listening to stand-up comedians' albums and watching them on TV, on 'The Tonight Show' and Letterman.
Sarah Silverman
#27. I watch Jay. I watch 'Letterman'. I flip back and forth between 'Conan' and 'Letterman', especially the top of the show for those guys.
Wanda Sykes
#28. I think David Letterman is a genius. Night after night he is funny and smart. He seems to really enjoy his jokes. They seem connected to who he really is. I like watching him, and there is no one better at turning an awkward moment into something very funny.
Casey Affleck
#29. Did you know David Letterman was offered millions of dollars to do a commercial for dog food?
Tracey Ullman
#30. Watching Madonna puffing on a cigar on David Letterman's show, I thought, 'Gosh, she's feeling so India! All she needs is long, black hair and a trip to the Caribbean to burn her skin up.'
La India
#31. I'd been acting and doing stand-up in New York about eight years, getting rejected, and I finally got the opportunity to do stand-up on Letterman, which holds even more importance for me. With comedians, that's definitely the pinnacle, but being from Indiana, it was a big to-do.
Jim Gaffigan
#32. The biggest threat to any politician is an artist. Comedians unleashed can do a great deal of damage. David Letterman can do more damage than any Republican assault by Newt Gingrich.
Michael Moriarty
#33. Never name it after yourself. Maybe we'll throw a with in there. That seems to work. Like Late Show With David Letterman.
Jon Stewart
#34. Letterman ... he got his problems. We don't get along too well.
Harvey Pekar
#35. NBC. How could I not? I grew up watching Seinfeld, Johnny Carson, Late Night with David Letterman, and reruns of The Mothers-in-Law.
Tina Fey
#36. When I was a freshman in high school, I got a letterman jacket, which you'd think would be great stock. The jacket had the big S on it, for Santa Monica. But rather than having a football or a baseball on the S, I had a little nine iron. Girls thought it was a flute.
Carson Daly
#37. I grew up watching Letterman, 'Seinfeld,' 'SNL,' and Monty Python movies. But nothing made me want to get into comedy more than when 'Mr. Show' started airing.
Joe Mande
#38. I have a great career, and no matter what I am doing, a big blockbuster movie ... or my small documentary, David Letterman will call and say I would like you to sit on my couch.
Rosie Perez
#39. I watch Letterman. Once in a while, on the odd night, I'll catch the Food Network and watch 'Ace of Cakes,' which I'm kind of obsessed with.
Amanda Righetti
#40. Everybody gets inspired by different things. I grew up wanting to go up the street with a video camera because I liked watching David Letterman yell out of the ninth floor of Rockefeller Center with a megaphone at people on the street. I thought that was a riot.
Tom Green
#42. I recently did the David Letterman Show about my book. He was very serious and made no jokes and it caught me off guard a little bit. He was much more serious than some of the joke shows that journalists get on.
Bob Woodward
#43. Welcome to the program. My name is Dave Letterman, and tonight I'm giving my two-week notice.
David Letterman
#44. You know how old I am? I'm so old, I remember when Letterman used to be funny and it was presidents who were serious. That's how old I am.
Rush Limbaugh
#45. Born at Letterman Army Hospital. I never actually lived in San Francisco. It's not my home town, but then, I don't have one. I'm a nomad ... a gypsy ... an Army Brat. Put me on an airplane, send me anywhere. That's where I belong ... anywhere.
Marc Curtis
#46. When I met Letterman, he told me he thought 'Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)' was the greatest Christmas song he ever heard, and he wanted me to be on his show to sing it.
Darlene Love
#47. I've been invited to appear on Letterman, but they wanted me to talk about a funny videotape of Congress. 'Bring us your outtakes!' That's not our job.
Brian Lamb
#48. In that sense, when a Bush or a Gore, or whomever, goes on David Letterman, that's the news, too.
Frank Rich
#49. I don't know about you, but I can never get enough David Letterman.
Barbara Walters
#50. I've never been a TV junkie. I remember watching Letterman way back when he had a morning show.
Todd Barry
#51. I wouldn't totally rule out doing Letterman or the Tonight Show if I had a set that I just happened to write that I thought was funny but was still appropriate for network censors. But I'm not going to go out of my way.
Joe Rogan
#52. David Letterman was my guy growing up. My parents recorded the tenth anniversary special for me, and I watched it 40 times.
Timothy Simons
#53. For those who don't like Dave Letterman, there's Jay Leno; and for those who like neither, there's Craig Ferguson; and if you're still feeling undertained, there's George Lopez and Jimmy Fallon and Jimmy Kimmel and - let's see, did we leave out a Jimmy?
Tom Shales
#54. Baseball may be our national pastime, but the age-old tradition of taking a swing at Congress is a sport with even deeper historical roots in the American experience. Since the founding of our country, citizens from Ben Franklin to David Letterman have made fun of their elected officials.
Evan Bayh
#55. I want to be the Letterman of metal. I want five nights a week, Monday to Friday, 11 to 12, live. I always shoot for the moon.
Eddie Trunk
#56. On Letterman and Leno, it always bothers me when they go outside the studio and it's daytime.
Jimmy Kimmel
#57. I refused David Letterman's proposal of marriage for obvious reasons, but thanks for asking.
Teri Garr
#58. Cookies at both of them. The cookies are probably better at Letterman though.
Jim Gaffigan
#59. From 1985 to 1994, I lived in Manhattan in a big old loft right off Times Square. I could walk to work, which was in a couple of Broadway theaters, to Howard Stern's studio, and to 30 Rock for 'Letterman' and 'SNL.' Even in New York, walking to work is homey and folksy, like living in a small town.
Penn Jillette
#60. I'd watched a lot of David Letterman for sure. As far as who I watched as a late-show host, it was definitely Letterman.
Chad VanGaalen
#61. Mr Letterman, 66, would retire when his contract to host the CBS network's Late Show With David Letterman expires next year, ending a run as a late-night host that began in 1982 on NBC.
Anonymous
#62. Describing life out of the public eye to David Letterman, December 6th, 1996 It's been different. I started driving again. I started cooking again. My driving's better than my cooking. George has discovered Sam's Club.
Barbara Bush
#63. And Conan O'Brien tried to be David Letterman but ended up Conan O'Brien. In O'Brien's words, It is our failure to become our perceived ideal that ultimately defines us and makes us unique.
Austin Kleon
#64. 'The David Letterman Show' is a show of comedy.
Jesse Ventura
#65. David Letterman used to say, 'I wasn't the class clown, but I wrote for him,' and that's exactly it. You want to be known to be funny without having it pointed out.
Michael Keaton
#66. I would be so mad if I saw something called a memoir, and then it was Mike Birbiglia. It would be so infuriating. It's like, 'Who is this guy, and why does he have a memoir?' David Letterman could write a memoir. Joan Rivers could. I'm just a nobody. I'm a comedian and a writer.
Mike Birbiglia
#67. It was early on when I was really focused and obsessed with doing The Tonight Show and Letterman and stuff like that. Then, I quickly realized that those things don't make or break a career.
Gary Gulman
#68. When I was a comic in the 1980s, I was on the road somewhere every day, and I'd get back to the hotel, and it was Carson and Letterman, and I looked forward to that all day.
Jerry Seinfeld
#69. I gotta tell you, I do not envy whoever they try to put in David Letterman's chair. Folks those are some huge shoes to fill, and some really big pants.
Stephen Colbert
#70. David Letterman is the best late-night talk show host right now, hands down, and has been since he first took the desk.
George Lopez
#71. At the very beginning, I was a page at Letterman, and I freelanced for any place that would let me write any word. I wanted to do this so badly. Then when I got a tiny bit of success, I was petrified that I was going to lose it.
Ben Schwartz
#72. I think comedy is on an organic upsurge right now because when I started, it was 1978 at The Comedy Store and Letterman had just stopped emceeing his morning show.
Bob Saget
#73. Letterman, despite whatever idiotic (or worse?) things he may have done with women on his staff, was wise enough to realize that silence isn't permanent and peace of mind can't be bought.
Alafair Burke
#74. My manager's biggest dream is for me to be on Letterman. She says, 'Oh, Maggie, will you promise me you'll be on 'Letterman?' What can I say? I just tell her I can't promise, but I'll try my best.
Maggie Q
#75. Recently a guy was having trouble with his computer. So he unplugs it, takes it out in the alley, pulls out a gun, and shoots it eight times. Coincidentally, that's how Hillary got rid of her emails.
David Letterman
#76. It's tax season. When I woke this morning and realized it was tax season, I said, My God, didn't we just pay taxes last year?
David Letterman
#77. Compared to Clinton, I feel like a loser. I can't even get the intern to make me coffee!
David Letterman
#78. You know you've had too much to eat for Christmas dinner when you slump down onto a beanbag and realize ... there is no beanbag.
David Letterman
#79. Do you know what I'm going to do when I retire? I hope to become the new face of Scientology.
David Letterman
#80. The White House is saying Donald Trump has 'zero percent chance' of being elected. Isn't that a little high?
David Letterman
#81. President Bush insisted that there was nothing in the August 6th, 2001 briefing, which was titled 'Bin Laden determined to attack the United States', that hinted what bin Laden was up to. Bush says that he would have moved mountains to stop the attack. Yeah, but he draws the line at reading a memo.
David Letterman
#83. It's interesting what former presidents do when they leave office. Bush is now working as a motivational speaker. And if you want to be motivated, who better to turn to than the guy who invaded the wrong country and started a depression.
David Letterman
#84. Thanksgiving is the day when you turn to another family member and say, 'How long has Mom been drinking like this?' My Mom, after six Bloody Marys looks at the turkey and goes, 'Here, kitty, kitty.'
David Letterman
#85. But I was thinking about this, the Obamas want to adopt a stray dog from the pound. And I think that is admirable. I believe the last president to bring a stray dog into the White House got impeached.
David Letterman
#86. And how about that Barack Obama? You know what they're saying? For the first time he's starting to slip in the polls. Barack Obama is starting to slip in the polls. Don't worry. He's got a plan. He's going to be to campaigning in Europe.
David Letterman
#87. They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.
David Letterman
#88. I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal.
David Letterman
#89. So they caught Gadhafi in a storm sewer and shot him. Or as they call it in the Middle East, an orderly transfer of power.
David Letterman
#90. New York ... when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you.
David Letterman
#91. They're talking about putting a woman on the $20 bill. And Hillary said, 'I'm available.'
David Letterman
#92. I might have made a tactical error not going to a physician for 20 years. It was one of those phobias that didn't pay off.
Warren Zevon
#93. Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.
David Letterman
#94. I was talking to a friend about Santorum. He said, 'For all my years in the State Department, I know one thing. Terrorists, what they fear most is a guy in a sweater vest.'
David Letterman
#95. People are kind of upset with British Petroleum CEO Tony Hayward. Over the weekend, he was out on his yacht. And when President Obama found out that Tony Hayward was on his yacht, he was so angry, he missed a putt.
David Letterman
#96. My theory of what makes people likeable stars is that they're likeable.
Rob Letterman
#97. Iraq is so bad that President Obama phoned Hillary Clinton and asked her if she could start early.
David Letterman
#98. Valentine's Day money-saving tip: Break up on February 13th, get back together on the 15th.
David Letterman
#99. I want to tell you though, I'm having the absolute best birthday ever. Last night
this was so sweet, it means a great deal
to me
the other cult members got together and they all took me out to see Star Wars.
David Letterman
#100. Our guest tonight is Michelle Obama, first lady of the United States. She's here to announce her run for president.
David Letterman
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