Letterman Quotes

#1. Probably the most fun I've ever had, actually, acting. Because it was the perfect extension of the stuff that I'd started to do on Late Night With David Letterman, and when I look back on all my work, it was probably the best possible incarnation of Chris Elliott, of me.

Chris Elliott

#2. Recently a guy was having trouble with his computer. So he unplugs it, takes it out in the alley, pulls out a gun, and shoots it eight times. Coincidentally, that's how Hillary got rid of her emails.

David Letterman

#3. I was a big TV kid.When I was a kid, I would go home at 3:00 and watch TV straight through to the end of Letterman at 1:30 in the morning.I was obsessed with comics.And I would watch Jerry Seinfeld and Jay Leno and study them as if it was Tolstoy.

Judd Apatow

#4. It's tax season. When I woke this morning and realized it was tax season, I said, My God, didn't we just pay taxes last year?

David Letterman

#5. Compared to Clinton, I feel like a loser. I can't even get the intern to make me coffee!

David Letterman

#6. You know you've had too much to eat for Christmas dinner when you slump down onto a beanbag and realize ... there is no beanbag.

David Letterman

#7. Do you know what I'm going to do when I retire? I hope to become the new face of Scientology.

David Letterman

#8. The White House is saying Donald Trump has 'zero percent chance' of being elected. Isn't that a little high?

David Letterman

#9. President Bush insisted that there was nothing in the August 6th, 2001 briefing, which was titled 'Bin Laden determined to attack the United States', that hinted what bin Laden was up to. Bush says that he would have moved mountains to stop the attack. Yeah, but he draws the line at reading a memo.

David Letterman

#10. Delta: We never make the same mistake three times.

David Letterman

#11. It's interesting what former presidents do when they leave office. Bush is now working as a motivational speaker. And if you want to be motivated, who better to turn to than the guy who invaded the wrong country and started a depression.

David Letterman

#12. In the world of late-night comics, Letterman made us feel any hometown boy from Indianapolis could poke fun at celebrities and politicians and do it right to their faces.

Chris Matthews

#13. Thanksgiving is the day when you turn to another family member and say, 'How long has Mom been drinking like this?' My Mom, after six Bloody Marys looks at the turkey and goes, 'Here, kitty, kitty.'

David Letterman

#14. But I was thinking about this, the Obamas want to adopt a stray dog from the pound. And I think that is admirable. I believe the last president to bring a stray dog into the White House got impeached.

David Letterman

#15. I've been on Letterman a couple of times. I've been on Leno more than a couple times, and now Letterman hates me because I've been on Leno more than him. They're very jealous of one another, as you know.

Mitt Romney

#16. And how about that Barack Obama? You know what they're saying? For the first time he's starting to slip in the polls. Barack Obama is starting to slip in the polls. Don't worry. He's got a plan. He's going to be to campaigning in Europe.

David Letterman

#17. They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

David Letterman

#18. I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal.

David Letterman

#19. So they caught Gadhafi in a storm sewer and shot him. Or as they call it in the Middle East, an orderly transfer of power.

David Letterman

#20. New York ... when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you.

David Letterman

#21. They're talking about putting a woman on the $20 bill. And Hillary said, 'I'm available.'

David Letterman

#22. I might have made a tactical error not going to a physician for 20 years. It was one of those phobias that didn't pay off.

Warren Zevon

#23. Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

David Letterman

#24. I was talking to a friend about Santorum. He said, 'For all my years in the State Department, I know one thing. Terrorists, what they fear most is a guy in a sweater vest.'

David Letterman

#25. People are kind of upset with British Petroleum CEO Tony Hayward. Over the weekend, he was out on his yacht. And when President Obama found out that Tony Hayward was on his yacht, he was so angry, he missed a putt.

David Letterman

#26. My theory of what makes people likeable stars is that they're likeable.

Rob Letterman

#27. Iraq is so bad that President Obama phoned Hillary Clinton and asked her if she could start early.

David Letterman

#28. Valentine's Day money-saving tip: Break up on February 13th, get back together on the 15th.

David Letterman

#29. I want to tell you though, I'm having the absolute best birthday ever. Last night
this was so sweet, it means a great deal
to me
the other cult members got together and they all took me out to see Star Wars.

David Letterman

#30. Our guest tonight is Michelle Obama, first lady of the United States. She's here to announce her run for president.

David Letterman

#31. Airport screeners are now scanning holiday fruitcakes. Not even the scanners can tell what those little red things are.

David Letterman

#32. We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since this guy has gotten laid in the private sector.

David Letterman

#33. Jeb Bush has to distance himself from what they call the Bush brand. So he keeps saying, 'I am my own man.' But when Governor Chris Christie is out on the campaign trail, he's always saying, 'I'm my own man, plus another guy.'

David Letterman

#34. How about this John Kerry controversy? So he's out there in California, tells some kind of joke and it backfires. He's saying he botched the joke ... This guy can lose elections he's not even in.

David Letterman

#35. Martha Stewart is getting out of prison so today the terror alert was raised from orange to pesto.

David Letterman

#36. Honey, what happened to "ladies first"? Husband replies, "That's the reason why the worlds a mess today, because a lady went first!"

David Letterman

#37. CBS is proud to have been the home of David Letterman since 1993. He is truly one of the great talents of our time, and we hope things work out.

Leslie Moonves

#38. According to the recent polls, Bush has a slight lead over John Kerry. So today, Bush hung a banner over the White House saying, 'Mission Accomplished.'

David Letterman

#39. I had some jokes that were dirty. And some of it is when I started making appearances on Conan and Letterman back in the late '90s, I think. You had to remove the curse words, or you couldn't do some of the more explicit jokes.

Jim Gaffigan

#40. Here in New York City you can now walk around smoking weed and all they will do if they see you is write you a ticket. Unfortunately, the ticket will be to a Jets game.

David Letterman

#41. Hey, you know what, I've gotta go on that 'Letterman' show. That show is so lame.

Al Gore

#42. This will be Michelle Obama's last opportunity to try to get me to eat kale.

David Letterman

#43. Tourists - have some fun with New york's hard-boiled cabbies. When you get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay? I was hitchhiking."

David Letterman

#44. You're not really drinking coffee unless you drink it black, don't you think? Oh, no? You like to monkey with it?

David Letterman

#45. John Boehner is a member of a country club in Ohio. It turns out that the bartender was plotting to poison Boehner. Now wait a minute. Isn't that the movie with Seth Rogen and James Franco?

David Letterman

#46. Bring Your Child to Work Day
that's how we got George W. Bush.

David Letterman

#47. He could be wearing a red letterman's jacket, driving around in a Corvette with the top down, one arm on the steering wheel, on his way to pick up his girl for the sock hop.

Jenny Han

#48. Newt Gingrich says he wants to get rid of Social Security. Who is more qualified to give this country financial advice than a guy who ran up a half-million dollar bill at Tiffany?

David Letterman

#49. Mitt Romney, two-time Republican presidential hopeful, boxed former heavyweight champion of the world Evander Holyfield for charity. It was a horrible moment when Romney bit off Holyfield's other ear.

David Letterman

#50. The new 'Mad Max' movie takes place in a post-apocalyptic world. I have a small part in 'Mad Max.' I play the old geezer who remembers what steak tasted like.

David Letterman

#51. The most nerve-wracking experience is an oral presentation in class. And right under that would be doing 'Saturday Night Live' or 'David Letterman.' One of those shows.

Rivers Cuomo

#52. I went to the beach a couple of times in New York City. Tough summer out there, but I was pretty excited. I found what I thought at the time was a very rare seashell. And I took it to a friend of mine who works in a museum. And I was really disappointed. It turned out to be just a human ear.

David Letterman

#53. If it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

David Letterman

#54. President Obama is sending troops back to Iraq. He said, 'Don't worry, we should not be there any longer than a Kardashian marriage.'

David Letterman

#55. Back when we started this show, the hottest program on television was 'Keeping Up With the Gabors.'

David Letterman

#56. Did you see Howard Dean ranting and raving? Here's a little tip Howard - cut back on the Red Bull.

David Letterman

#57. Here's my problem. On Valentine's Day the flowers are wilting and so am I.

David Letterman

#58. Good luck finding a place to park in New York City. And when you do, good luck figuring out the parking signs, restrictions, and prohibitions. It is so complicated. It has gotten so bad, I never park my car without a lawyer.

David Letterman

#59. I've been been on the cover of TV Guide, on every single talk and entertainment show except Letterman. It's interesting being older and dealing with this kind of success. I'm more appreciative of it now, and I don't take it for granted.

John Stamos

#60. I don't know what they are protesting at Occupy Wall Street but I'm on their side. But 10,000 protestors and one Porta Potty?

David Letterman

#61. Wherever we've travelled in this great land of ours, we've found that people everywhere are about 90% water.

David Letterman

#62. Herman Cain said, starting today, if you buy into his 9-9-9 plan, he'll throw in a free 32-ounce soda.

David Letterman

#63. The White House says that the vacation in Texas will give President Bush the chance to unwind. My question is, when does the guy wind?

David Letterman

#64. Mitt Romney has asked Todd Akin to step down. That's too bad. Todd Akin was the guy to lead the Republican Party into the 16th century.

David Letterman

#65. The Mars Polar Lander has been quieter than George W. Bush after a foreign policy question.

David Letterman

#66. I wish the iPhone people would design one that's black and has two pieces, and it plugs into the wall and you can pick one piece up and talk into it. I tell you, the whole time I had one of those old-fashioned plug-in phones, not once did I misplace it.

David Letterman

#67. He opened a window in my heart, and the light of the world shined in.

David Letterman

#68. Did you hear this? They say now Osama bin Laden and his buddy Mullah Omar have left Afghanistan dressed as women. They dressed up as women and went across the border into Pakistan. I think they're going to make a movie about it. They're going to call it 'Some like it Jihad.'

David Letterman

#69. Child labor, not a problem. Censorship, not a problem. Torture, not a problem. Chewing gum in China - oh, my God! You better not be over here chewing gum.

David Letterman

#70. I'm nothing if not an optimist.

David Letterman

#71. A new survey indicates that Obama supporters love iPhones. So if you have an iPhone, chances are you are going to be supporting President Obama. In a related story, if you support Governor Chris Christie from New Jersey, chances are you love IHOP.

David Letterman

#72. President Bush announced he has a five-point strategy for getting out of Iraq. Points six through 10 will be handled by the Kerry administration.

David Letterman

#73. Illinois is the only state where the present governor rides around in a car whose license plate was made by a previous governor.

David Letterman

#74. Sarah Palin's book is big, 400 pages. She wrote the book herself and agonized over every word, and so will you.

David Letterman

#75. You know the quickest way to get comedians to hate you? Do Letterman at age 24.

Mike Birbiglia

#76. Mitt Romney is not going to run for president. Mitt said it's time for fresh faces. So that's good news for Bruce Jenner.

David Letterman

#77. The world's oldest woman passed away at 116. They keep dying. I think that title may be cursed.

David Letterman

#78. John Kerry told Tom Ridge he was too busy to receive a Homeland Security briefing. I thought that was odd, since you're not supposed to ignore terrorist threats until after you become president.

David Letterman

#79. I worry about Rick Perry. One, he's too conservative, Two, his debating skills. And three ... Oh crap, what was three?

David Letterman

#80. Today, the L.A. Times accused Arnold Schwarzenegger of groping six women. I'm telling ya, this guy is presidential material.

David Letterman

#81. Let's see what's going on over in Iraq. A Burger King has opened up and prostitutes are back on the street of Baghdad after 20 years. Fast food and hookers - they are truly living the American Dream.

David Letterman

#82. I'm having trouble warming up to Mitt Romney. He looks like the guy in the restaurant that comes to your table to make sure everything's all right.

David Letterman

#83. CBS News finally received anthrax in the mail. As usual, we're number three.

David Letterman

#84. New York City has 2 million rats. We used to have 8 million rats. Now we're down to 2 million. You know what that means? We lose four electoral votes.

David Letterman

#85. Bill Murray is on the show tonight. Next week I'll be Goggling 'foods that improve prostate health.'

David Letterman

#86. Chi-Os were ideal partners for all occasions. They were discrete, desirable, tactful, polite, and fun ... Every mom dreamed of her son coming home with a Chi Omega, a woman's woman.

David Letterman

#87. Today is the anniversary of the Gettysburg Address. President Lincoln wrote it on his way to the site of the speech on the back of an envelope. One guy on the back of an envelope wrote the great Gettysburg Address - while every night it takes six guys to write this crap!

David Letterman

#88. I was a huge David Letterman fan, even going back to when he was on NBC. My parents would only let me watch a half hour of television a day, so I would record Letterman the night before and then watch it when I came home from school. That's what made me want to do a T.V. show.

Trevor Moore

#89. If a handful of people look at the making of the film and realize, "Oh, my god!" It was so complicated. It was like doing quantum physics calculations every day while you're telling a joke. It was so insane! So, they can feel my pain.

Rob Letterman

#90. Here's what the kids get. They get free McDonald's and Kentucky Fried Chicken for a year, and 52 six-packs of Pepsi. And I'm thinking, well, actually, it might be healthier if they were taking steroids.

David Letterman

#91. Going on Letterman is like going off the high dive. It's exhilarating, but after a while it wasn't the kind of thrill I enjoyed.

Lynda Barry

#92. They say the oil spill has the potential to kill more wildlife than a Sarah Palin hunting trip.

David Letterman

#93. I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.

David Letterman

#94. Herman Cain has suspended his presidential campaign, but he has asked the Secret Service if they could continue to provide him protection, at least until his wife cools off.

David Letterman

#95. Did you hear about this genius that got on a plane and set fire to his feet? Turns out he had bombs in his shoes and the problem all started when the flight attendants asked him nicely to extinguish his feet. He was wearing exploding sneakers. The new Nike Air-Jihads!

David Letterman

#96. The idea that I would ever end up on David Letterman or Jay Leno is horrifying. I am such a freak in comparison to most other twenty-five-year-old guys. I have no idea what other people are thinking. I'm not really in touch.

Jared Leto

#97. Well, the manhunt continues for that elusive evil mastermind, but I'm telling you Enron CEO Kenneth Lay remains at large.

David Letterman

#98. President Obama has two years left as president. I wouldn't be surprised if he gets to appoint two new Kardashian husbands.

David Letterman

#99. A guy in Pennsylvania was arrested because he was drunk in his golf cart going from bar to bar. So they arrested him. I said: Wait a minute. Isn't that golf?

David Letterman

#100. The Pope also said that while he's in town he would like to go see 'The Book of Mormon.'

David Letterman