Top 100 Kirkman Quotes
#1. I have memories of my grandfather Kirkman making mashed potatoes that were so good because they tasted like a bowl of butter. I love my mom's brownies. My favorite thing about both of those recipes is that someone else made them for me.
Jen Kirkman
#2. I think some parents think, 'Oh, having kids is so beautiful; I want others to feel the joy I do.'
Jen Kirkman
#3. Last year I think I made more from my Image books than anywhere else.
Robert Kirkman
#4. Don't overpack your carry-on. You're never going to read that second book or that fourth magazine.
Jen Kirkman
#6. As the Lady from Borneo digs out his eyeball, the thing eventually uncorks from its socket.
Robert Kirkman
#8. ... I think that childfree by choice is the new gay. We're the new disenfranchised group. People think we're irresponsible, immoral sluts and that our lifestyle is up for debate.
Jen Kirkman
#9. You think I've been around these fuckers long enough to get comfortable enough to SLEEP ten feet away from them? Not fucking likely. (Axel)
Robert Kirkman
#10. Admittedly, the masturbation story is just a "Hey, this is one of my best-of's, I'll throw it in the special." But the grandmother stuff, really, I feel like is part of the theme and part of the best way to end the story that I'm telling with the special.
Jen Kirkman
#11. I want to spend my time exploring the characters we've already got here. I want to give them more time to shine before the team gets to have 400 members.
Robert Kirkman
#12. By the time I started doing stand-up, the club scene had died.
Jen Kirkman
#13. Now get the fuck up off the ground so I can put you in it... like a coffin. Because you'll be fucking dead after I kill you, you fucking asshole.
Robert Kirkman
#14. I rarely have out-of-town visitors because you have to do things like take them around L.A.
Jen Kirkman
#15. tantrum. I don't want to have a baby but sometimes I want to be a baby because it's socially acceptable for them to cry and scream in public.
Jen Kirkman
#16. Protecting the weak is the whole fucking basis for civilization. If you're not protecting the weak, you're not civilized. You're fucking animals.
Robert Kirkman
#17. Improv requires one thing I lack that I think most mothers need - the basic instinct to put someone else first.
Jen Kirkman
#18. Tech Jacket shares the same tone as Invincible, but the subject matter is very different. Where Invincible is about perfection, Tech Jacket is about flaws.
Robert Kirkman
#19. I have no interest in saying "This is who I am! This is what I'm like!"
Jen Kirkman
#20. I realized I need a certain kind of chemistry and a certain kind of look to be into someone, and like 1 percent of the population has it.
Jen Kirkman
#21. I just wanted to make it clear that I was saying that the possibility is there and I would've been fine with it, the network would have been fine with it, but we ultimately didn't do that. I can make it official - Daryl Dixon is actually straight.
Robert Kirkman
#22. You tell me I have to crush a field of babies to keep breathing? Sure. You say people who rely on me aren't going to live unless I turn someone's head into a bowl of gravy? I'm there. I don't feel bad about it. I don't think about it. It just is what it is. It's survival.
Robert Kirkman
#23. It is why he got the hell out of his hometown, Waynesboro, two days ago.
Robert Kirkman
#24. I find it actually the height of romance to legally bind yourself to someone because you're really taking care of someone, and letting them take care of you. I actually have no cynicism about that.
Jen Kirkman
#25. Sitcoms are what got me excited about show business.
Jen Kirkman
#26. It's much easier to make jokes about not having kids.
Jen Kirkman
#27. Sometimes I feel like if two parents were given $100, and a child-free person was given $100, everyone would assume that the parents would invest their money wisely because they're smart. And people like me would just go buy candy.
Jen Kirkman
#29. Civilization is a myth. That is the truth this world has taught us. We have not risen above our baser instincts... That is what always has and always will drive us.
Robert Kirkman
#30. Have you ever tried to talk to a baby or a toddler? They never look you square in the eyes, they know about three words, and God forbid they ever ask you how you're doing. It's all about them!
Jen Kirkman
#31. A lot of times that I'm single is not for a lack of anyone being interested; it's me.
Jen Kirkman
#32. It's not that I can't cook. I just don't enjoy cooking. It takes too long and you have to stand there monitoring everything, which doesn't work well for me and my ADHD.
Jen Kirkman
#33. Don't make being a girl or a victim part of your stand-up act. If you encounter sexism in the business, don't bring it on stage; it's not funny.
Jen Kirkman
#34. I actually like, love, and respect myself, and I try not to take anything too seriously.
Jen Kirkman
#35. If, for some reason, everyone knew who I was without me having to have my own TV show, that's what I would do. That way, I could do less shows a year.
Jen Kirkman
#36. I want to travel the world and enjoy things, so if you gave me $50 million and said, 'You can never perform again,' I probably would take it and be fine with it.
Jen Kirkman
#37. People think anything done from a woman's perspective is only going to appeal to women.
Jen Kirkman
#38. Right, he can kill the dead. What happens when he realizes we're training him to kill the living?
Robert Kirkman
#39. I'm about as useful as a fingerless eunuch during Fuck Fest February! someone give me a gun!
Robert Kirkman
#40. I guess in all of the obvious ways. I can afford more diapers for my children. If I want to buy a complete set of Garbage Pail Kids on Ebay I don't have to ask my wife so hard. For the most part, it's mostly the same. I keep my head down and I just work on comics for most of the time.
Robert Kirkman
#42. It's never-ever going to be okay, never-ever-ever-ever-ever.
Robert Kirkman
#43. What they call 'alt-comedy' now is basically what comedy was like in the '80s. People tried different things, and everybody went to the clubs; there was no other place. Then somehow, the clubs became infiltrated by Dice Clay and Carrot Top types.
Jen Kirkman
#44. I don't know if I don't believe in monogamy. I think I do believe in it depending on the person or situation or something.
Jen Kirkman
#45. I'm going and I'm not going to die. I'm going to prove to you that you're not the only one who survives.
Robert Kirkman
#46. Well, don't tell Steve Niles but I just don't think horror works in comics.
Robert Kirkman
#47. Someone is going to tell you to get use to this. That feeling of being scared and sad. They're going to say it'll be better when you learn to ignore it. Don't listen to them. Hold on to it, remember it ... Don't let yourself forget it. It's too easy to lose.
-Carl Grimes
Robert Kirkman
#48. I really will never understand pushing back on comedians who are like, "I'm like a politician campaigning and shaking hands with these people. They're going to be okay."
Jen Kirkman
#49. Chaos theory is the impossibility of a closed system remaining stable. This town is doomed. There's nobody at the controls ...
Robert Kirkman
#50. I'm tired of explaining to Hollywood that people would laugh at me, because I go around America making them laugh every week. Nobody would be offended, nobody would think my leather pants are too controversial.
Jen Kirkman
#51. Couples without kids have each other, their friends, families, and Siri to talk to. It's not like they're quarantining themselves in an underground bunker, never to take a romantic stroll on the beach or attend a Morrissey concert ever again. They're just using birth control.
Jen Kirkman
#52. It ain't the dead things you gotta be mindful of around here ... it's the living.
Robert Kirkman
#53. I don't want to have kids and so I am not going to have kids. People who want kids are going to have kids. I'm doing what I want to do and people who want kids are doing what they want to do. What about this scenario makes me selfish?
Jen Kirkman
#54. My joke is a picture of David Bowie on his balcony in the '70s in a suit in Paris, and unless that's you, I'm not interested. There are very few aesthetic types that I have, and people who look like that are not always necessarily good for me.
Jen Kirkman
#55. In a world ruled by the dead, we are forced to finally start living.
Robert Kirkman
#57. I'm really ambitious about is being a really good comic and doing it for the rest of my life and getting really big. Not really famous because I want fame or attention, just a little freedom. So, that's where I'm ambitious.
Jen Kirkman
#58. Point me in the right direction, and shut the fuck up. I'm the one calling the shots now. Fall in line or fall down a fucking well.
Robert Kirkman
#59. I thought that's what happened to women: You live alone when you're old.
Jen Kirkman
#60. I have trouble writing if I can't picture how things are going to look.
Robert Kirkman
#61. I have this idyllic love life, but my mind just won't accept that. I would like to bring a new guy home every night. I try to make humor out of that situation.
Jen Kirkman
#62. Use your passport for domestic trips, so that way you don't risk losing your license.
Jen Kirkman
#63. I've always had a thing for guys who make a living doing something in public (with the exception of someone who hands out sandwich shop flyers or dresses up like Pluto at Disney World).
Jen Kirkman
#64. I still have to work paycheck to paycheck. Being in show business doesn't indicate that you're a 'success,' in my opinion.
Jen Kirkman
#65. Actually, my friendships are changing because my friends have kids, so that's a new aspect to the material. Not just that I don't want to have kids, it's that I'm having a hard time relating to people I know.
Jen Kirkman
#66. An elderly camper realizes, with heart-skipping dismay, that during his afternoon bowel movement, he is unwittingly shitting on a zombie.
Robert Kirkman
#67. Its almost Thanksgiving! A day when you get to hear your extended family use racial slurs for groups are not taking away their jobs.
Jen Kirkman
#68. I make a lot more off the trades and Image than Marvel.
Robert Kirkman
#69. I wonder if that's the difference between fathers and mothers. I'm friends with people who have kids that are like 5 and under, and they're still in that intense mother-bonding phase. It might just be that. Because the dads haven't changed.
Jen Kirkman
#70. I'd love to be a hit in Germany. I'm working on trying to get a gig as David Hasselhoff's opening act.
Jen Kirkman
#71. I think Walking Dead is one of the friendliest new reader type books in that every time a new trade is shipped out, a new issue is shipped out at the same time.
Robert Kirkman
#72. Mother Fuckers. They're going to feel pretty stupid when they find out.
They're fucking with the wrong people.
Robert Kirkman
#73. If I'm grumpy I sure do enjoy writing The Walking Dead.
Robert Kirkman
#74. Asking questions about why I don't want kids is really none of your business, but at least it's a dialogue.
Jen Kirkman
#75. Can't you just read the directions?"
"I could if I wasn't fueled by testosterone and stupidity, but where's the fun in that?
Robert Kirkman
#76. I came "here" to get "there." Do I have any fucking clue what "there" is? Hell the fuck no. I'm just trying to live in a world of the dead.
Robert Kirkman
#77. I used to make albums because I wasn't touring, and so I thought, This is the best way for people to find out about me.
Jen Kirkman
#79. We have to get women's stories out there so a guy will read it, laugh, and think, 'I'm not laughing at a chick story but a story.'
Jen Kirkman
#80. like as long as you're cleaning up some living thing's poop after age thirty, family members really respect that lifestyle choice.
Jen Kirkman
#81. I have things planned for every character like what they're doing down the road and coming to different realizations but I don't have how they overlap.
Robert Kirkman
#82. The women doing comedy do not even think of themselves as 'female' comedians.
Jen Kirkman
#83. I WILL SKULL-FUCK EVERY ONE OF YOU CANNIBAL-COCKSUCKERS!!! I WILL RIP EVERY STINKING HEAD OFF EVERY FUCKING ONE OF YOU AND SHIT DOWN YOUR ROTTEN FUCKING NECKS
Robert Kirkman
#85. Parents talk a lot about how much strength and dedication it takes to raise a child. I think it also takes a lot of strength and dedication to carve out a life that doesn't seem normal to anyone else.
Jen Kirkman
#86. Well see, I'm a good enough writer that not everybody in my books talks exactly like I do.
Robert Kirkman
#87. The pessimist looks down and hits his head. The optimist looks up and loses his footing. The realist looks forward and adjusts his path accordingly.
Robert Kirkman
#88. Eventually I'm going to be too old to be on camera, and I've been doing stand-up a long time.
Jen Kirkman
#89. People said to me, "You know, when you record a special, you're going to regret it. The one thing you'll regret because you're a comic is you'll think of better tags."
Jen Kirkman
#90. What I found out about myself was I am not someone who doesn't believe in marriage.
Jen Kirkman
#91. Our fine Governor called me here to ask me to talk to you
said you didn't seem too happy here. He knows we're pals. He wanted me to just
I don't know, make sure you weren't going to cause any trouble or something.
Robert Kirkman
#92. I'd rather be a piece of work than a piece of shit.
Robert Kirkman
#93. But honestly ... I just don't know what anyone's thinking. To me, that's scarier than any half-rotten ghoul trying to eat my flesh.
Robert Kirkman
#94. I think Walking Dead is more of a stretch for me because I'm a light hearted superhero kind of guy.
Robert Kirkman
#95. Nick looks into Brians hollow gaze. That's what's going on here brian. The devil's figured out a way to keep peoples souls trapped here on earth.
Robert Kirkman
#96. It's nice to know that what you're doing is being read and enjoyed by a good deal of people.
Robert Kirkman
#99. I saw thousands of them. A sea of the dead that roared like an ocean! You would have heard them screaming toward you. It would have taken days to steer them away. Killing them? I don't think killing them would have been possible.
Robert Kirkman
#100. Instead of saving for someone else's college education, I'm currently saving for a luxury retirement community replete with golf carts and handsome young male nurses who love butterscotch.
Jen Kirkman
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