Top 100 Kimmel Quotes
#1. I had written for Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman in the past. Jimmy had a different voice, and different priorities. He couldn't be the bad guy in the joke; he couldn't upset people, really.
Anthony Jeselnik
#2. Jimmy Kimmel still comes across like a guy who crashed a party and got caught at it, yet adamantly refuses to leave.
Tom Shales
#3. Hey, it's Florida. Toss a beach ball at me, I'll empty my .45 into you and be home in time for Jimmy Kimmel.
Paul Levine
#5. Honestly, a lot of the human etiquette I learned in life I learned from, like, thank-you notes and dating Jimmy Kimmel.
Roseanne Barr
#6. People know I'm smart. And people know that, whether it's SNL or Jimmy Kimmel, it's a trend to take the piss out of celebrity - just as much of a trend as wearing a gray hoodie or driving a Prius.
Kanye West
#7. When you have kids, your castle becomes their bouncy castle. In my case, this is literally true. Jimmy Kimmel bought Sonny and Natalia this inflatable castle in 2012. It's the real deal. At first, I thought he had rented it. No, he bought it.
Adam Carolla
#8. For those who don't like Dave Letterman, there's Jay Leno; and for those who like neither, there's Craig Ferguson; and if you're still feeling undertained, there's George Lopez and Jimmy Fallon and Jimmy Kimmel and - let's see, did we leave out a Jimmy?
Tom Shales
#9. At night, I try to sneak in some of the shows that I love. I can't live without '30 Rock' - I was a fan before I joined the show in 2007 - and 'The Office.' 'Revenge' is my drama. And I love Jimmy Kimmel if I can stay up late enough to watch him.
Sherri Shepherd
#10. January 14, 2000, was my first time on stage, and I've been hooked ever since. I got discovered nationally in Seattle by the now-defunct HBO Comedy Festival, and that led to an appearance on 'Jimmy Kimmel Live' and a path to a professional comedy career.
Hari Kondabolu
#11. Your words, your schedule, your choices, your obedience, the way you savor your victories and the way you swallow your defeats all help to define your life. It is this definition that your children rely on most as they seek to chart their own future.
Tim Kimmel
#12. When you know someone you can make a little more fun of them without them getting offended.
Jimmy Kimmel
#13. But you can't ever live in the place you dream about, the town you long for. ...the moment you become conscious of your desire, and then fulfill it, it evaporates.
Haven Kimmel
#14. It was an Indian summer afternoon in Indiana, a rare gift. We walked home slowly. I thought Mom might be wrong about me having all I needed, but just at that moment, I had no need to complain.
Haven Kimmel
#15. That's my main flaw: I always think authority figures or my boss is going to think something I do is funny. And usually they don't.
Jimmy Kimmel
#16. I am hyper vigilant and would be dangerous if threatened ... If someone broke into my house or attacked me in the street, it's THEM I would fear for ... But as Yo La Tengo recently put it so succinctly: I am not afraid of you and I will beat your ass.
Haven Kimmel
#17. When I first heard John Smith my attention was captured by his sweet, earthy voice and fine craftsmanship, but what drew me in was his heart. It's clear that he's lived the pain in his songs and that his optimism is hope born of wisdom. That's a rare thing and a gift to all who hear him.
Tom Kimmel
#19. You can say Pizza Hut is terrible pizza, but they also sell more pizzas than anybody else.
Jimmy Kimmel
#20. Children who know they are loved, know they have a purpose, and know they have a hope are prepared for anything this world wants to dish up.
Tim Kimmel
#21. Living a good life may keep you out of jail, but it cannot keep you out of hell.
Tim Kimmel
#22. The privilege of privilege is that the terms of privilege are rendered invisible. It is a luxury not to have to think about race, or class, or gender. Only those marginalized by some category understand how powerful that category is when deployed against them.
Michael Kimmel
#23. I think there is another choice for women; it involves challenging Guyland and supporting each other.
Michael Kimmel
#24. No matter who it is, I hate to see people losing their jobs. I really do.
Jimmy Kimmel
#25. Laura had hoped, she'd written in her journal, that whatever befell her daughters, they would not be damaged at the level of instinct, that exact phrase.
Haven Kimmel
#26. It's like what you might call Goldilocks' dilemma in the old fairy tale. Young men see women as "less than" or "better than," but never their equals. And studies indicate that equality is the best foundation for a healthy relationship.
Michael Kimmel
#27. It was just your life. You were just living your life.
Haven Kimmel
#28. I got kicked out of Brownies and they won't give me another chance to keep my clothes on at camp. Also
Haven Kimmel
#29. It's a lot easier for our children to look forward to a hopeful future if they have the confidence that we are doing all we can, while they are in our care, to groom them for the future.
Tim Kimmel
#30. The book was so clean and white, and the letters were so perfectly black and defenseless; it would have been like tearing the ears off a kitten.
Haven Kimmel
#31. When I was on the radio, I used to be able to go a lot farther than I can now. You don't really remember until you're on the radio again, sometimes in your old radio station and sitting with the guys you used to work with and you go, 'Oh yeah, I can't say these things anymore. I'm handcuffed.'
Jimmy Kimmel
#32. In reality there is no normal. Normal is something people have agreed to invent so we have something to compare ourselves to. Normal should be the least of your worries.
Elizabeth Cody Kimmel
#33. You're never so bad you can't have a Savior, no matter how much you've sinned.
Tim Kimmel
#34. Aren't all marriages kind of gay? As a man, when you get marries, essentially what you're saying is 'I will never touch another woman as long as I live, now let's put jewellery on each other and dance
Jimmy Kimmel
#35. I couldn't for the life of me figure out how long a person had to live, or how good she had to be, to get her hands on some treasure.
Haven Kimmel
#36. My job as a parent is a temporary responsibility with eternal consequences.
Tim Kimmel
#37. My colleagues and I have done a survey of 13,000 students on more than 17 campuses, and we found that while sex in college has always been a bit more casual, "hooking up" has pretty much replaced other traditional forms of dating.
Michael Kimmel
#39. I have had a lot of experience in broadcasting.
Jimmy Kimmel
#40. Young men are eager to "hook up" with women. And many say they have very good female friends. But some of the emotions circulating among guys make it difficult to form and sustain healthy relationships.
Michael Kimmel
#42. Some of the worst elements of Guyland rest on the twin pillars of men's silence and women's compliance.
Michael Kimmel
#43. Fear based parenting is the surest way to create intimidated children.
Tim Kimmel
#44. On Letterman and Leno, it always bothers me when they go outside the studio and it's daytime.
Jimmy Kimmel
#45. How is it possible, she thought, that a person can drive a thinking, feeling, animal to slaughter and not become less than an animal himself?
Haven Kimmel
#46. Our sins are never too great for God to forgive.
Tim Kimmel
#47. I know that a lot of Christian kids rebel. But as I said earlier, I'm convinced that most of them don't really want to. They just haven't been given a better alternative. The only true antidote for a life of rebellion is a life worth living.
Tim Kimmel
#48. The distance between Mooreland in 1965 and a city like San Francisco in 1965 is roughly equivalent to the distance starlight must travel before we look up casually from a cornfield and see it.
Haven Kimmel
#49. Mother always said she was a size 7 woman she kept wrapped in fat to prevent bruising.
Haven Kimmel
#50. Love is the commitment of my will to your needs and best interests, regardless of the cost.
Tim Kimmel
#51. The truth is, we have this idea that late night is about creativity and being cool, but that's not our job. Our job is to get as many people watching the commercials in between our show. That's the reality of it.
Jimmy Kimmel
#52. They did a lot of cleaning in their house, which I considered to be a sign of immoral parenting. The job of parents, as I saw it, was to watch television and step into a child's life only when absolutely necessary, like in the event of a tornado or a potential kidnapping.
Haven Kimmel
#53. Frank Martin is a rarity. Dexterous as a player, writer and singer, he is thoughtful and skilled in his approach and passionate in his delivery. He is a unique, first-class musical personality.
Tom Kimmel
#54. So guys who are otherwise sensitive and thoughtful say and do ridiculously dumb things to impress other guys. It's an enormous performance, but guys know that if they fail, they'll be ridiculed as sissies mercilessly.
Michael Kimmel
#55. I still love comic books. When you have a kid, that's an excuse to keep reading all the comic books.
Jimmy Kimmel
#56. And few hookups, if any, ever take place sober. And while wearing "beer goggles" may make people appear more attractive, it doesn't exactly make for sexual ecstasy! There's always been a difference between pleasure and scoring.
Michael Kimmel
#57. My mom insisted on saying such things, even though almost no one understood what she meant. My Dad sometimes called her Addlebrain because she read so many books.
Haven Kimmel
#58. What kind of good deeds? Like Girl Scouts? Because I got kicked out of Brownies and they won't give me another chance to keep my clothes on at camp.
Haven Kimmel
#59. On Jesus: Everyone around me was flat-out in love with him, and who wouldn't be? He was good with animals, he loved his mother, and he wasn't afraid of blind people.
Haven Kimmel
#60. The pull of Guyland reminds us that women cannot accomplish this transformation alone. In the book's final chapter I argue that just as men need to stand up, do the right thing and break the silence that perpetuates Guyland, so, too, do women need to support each other in resisting its pull.
Michael Kimmel
#62. It's funny how all of this has worked out - I wasn't popular in high school, but now every drunken guy in the United States wants to be my pal. They all want to buy me a shot, and pretty soon I'm throwing up.
Jimmy Kimmel
#63. I don't really need to be dirty to be funny.
Jimmy Kimmel
#65. There are people in this world so perfect that the fact of them seems like a personal gift ...
Haven Kimmel
#67. I sensed weeping and salvation in the air, two of my least favorite things.
Haven Kimmel
#69. I'm a creative consultant, whatever that means.
Jimmy Kimmel
#71. Mooreland is a long way to go to not to be anywhere when you get there.
Haven Kimmel
#73. I respect every way in which you are a troublemaker, now get up and do what your mother says.
Haven Kimmel
#74. Getting into heaven has nothing to do with what we do for Christ, but rather what He has already done for us.
Tim Kimmel
#75. My favorite was Love Is ... Never Having to Say You're Sorry. This was,the good Lord knew, a dream of mine. But every time I refused to apologize for something, Love seemed to just fly out the window.
Haven Kimmel
#76. Every day life must always be lived against the backdrop of eternity.
Tim Kimmel
#77. The issue isn't
nor should it ever be
how weak our child is, but rather how strong our God is.
Tim Kimmel
#78. She had taken her vows and then they had taken her, and the forces amassed against her were greater than love, greater than obligation. They were elemental, heavy as a dead planet.
Haven Kimmel
#79. I did not have any delusions of grandeur as a kid.
Jimmy Kimmel
#80. Our children's rebellion is not the problem. It is the symptom. Why they are rebelling is the problem. And unless we address the "why," the external things we do in reaction to their rebellion will not make much of a difference.
Tim Kimmel
#81. Some of your children's rebellion against your spiritual lifestyle might be a necessary step in their finding an authentic relationship with God. But beware: If they find it, it might look quite different from what you've always thought it should be.
Tim Kimmel
#82. There's an air of mystery around the Masons, but the reality is that they're mostly a bunch of veterans getting drunk in a lodge that they've built to look like a temple. It's just a bunch of guys trying to get away from their wives.
Jimmy Kimmel
#83. Memory isn't the defective tape recording you've been led to believe. It's the tape player itself, playing back the tracks of music we select - and sometimes those we don't.
James Kimmel Jr.
#84. I know there are, like, 12 rules for late night: a desk, a band. Will people take me seriously if I don't wear a tie?
Jimmy Kimmel
#85. You don't need to exorcise your personal demons onstage.
Jimmy Kimmel
#86. Feminism expects a man to be ethical, emotionally present, and accountable to his values in his actions with women - as well as with other men. Feminism loves men enough to expect them to act more honorably and actually believes them capable of doing so.
Michael S. Kimmel
#87. There must be some middle ground between broken hearts and pure standoffishness.
Kathleen Kimmel
#88. Contrary to popular opinion, my dad was not a lazy man. He was not lazy at all, for instance, when it came to Going Places In His Truck. He was also very industrious about Preparing To Go Camping. And if something really interested him, he would work on it all day.
Haven Kimmel
#89. We have the data to prove to men that gender equality is not a zero-sum game, but a win-win.
Michael Kimmel
#90. Since many men believe that adequate sexual functioning is being able to delay ejaculation, some develop strategies to prevent what they consider to be premature ejaculation-strategies that exaggerate emotional distancing, phallocentrism, the focus on orgasm, and objectification.
Michael S. Kimmel
#91. Many boyfriends or close male friends seem so different when they are by themselves, as opposed to when they are with a bunch of other guys. I think it has to do with the desperate desire on the part of guys to be seen as a "real guy" - a real man, a man's man.
Michael Kimmel
#92. At the Emmys, you've got a bunch of people who are used to being on TV on TV. You don't have that at the Oscars. At the Oscars, you have people who are used to having 40 takes.
Jimmy Kimmel
#93. One chance
that's what she had seen she had
one flying leap that was really composed of eight thousand separate possibilities for falling, and she had taken that chance and come this far and been found out.
Haven Kimmel
#94. My hair looks like it had been purchased at a rummage sale after all the real hair was gone.
Haven Kimmel
#95. Ironically, survey after survey shows that married men are happier and healthier than unmarried men. Oh, and they also have more sex.
Michael Kimmel
#96. I go to Costco every weekend. It's my favorite part of the week.
Jimmy Kimmel
#97. Real emotion is good - or doing a good job of faking real emotion.
Jimmy Kimmel
#98. I later discovered that in order to be a good athlete one must care intensely what is happening with a ball, even if one doesn't have possession of it. This was ultimately my failure: my inability to work up a passion for the location of balls.
Haven Kimmel
#99. Since we were only going to the best place on the Earth, where every single minute of every day was different and filled with promise, what the heck difference did it make what we were gonna do
Haven Kimmel
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