Top 100 Jenny Lawson Quotes
#1. I am the Wizard of Oz of housewives (in that I am both "Great and Terrible" and because I sometimes hide behind the curtains
Jenny Lawson
#2. It's amazing how much you're missing in a depressive state until you start to come out on the other side. It's like breathing again after being underwater for far too long
Jenny Lawson
#3. It's like I have a sensor in my head, but she works on a seven-second delay ... well-meaning, but perpetually about seven seconds too late to actually do anything to stop the horrific avalanche of shit-you-shouldn't- say-out-loud-but-I-just-did.
Jenny Lawson
#4. Whenever Hailey tells me kids at school were mean to her I want to go find those kids and tell them that I'm them from the future and that they've failed miserably. And then I'd be like, "And look how fat you got.
Jenny Lawson
#5. STAGE 2: You fall asleep for eight minutes and you have that dream where you've missed a semester of classes and don't know where you're supposed to be and when you wake up you realize that even in sleep you're fucking your life up.
Jenny Lawson
#6. Like it says in the Bible, being a friend means never having to witness farting belly buttons. Or something.
Jenny Lawson
#7. That's the thing about my father. You never know when he's hiding a giant surprise giraffe head from you.
Jenny Lawson
#8. In fact almost everyone in my yearbook wrote the same thing to me: "To weird girl, you're nice." I didn't think it was bad. When I showed my mother she said, "Everyone is different." Being weird became my tool. I'm weird; that's who I am. It was my coping badge.
Jenny Lawson
#9. Things like nuclear holocaust. Or carbon monoxide poisoning. Or having to leave the house and interact with people who weren't my mother.
Jenny Lawson
#10. No. I can't have sex with you today because there aren't enough spoons.
Jenny Lawson
#11. Did they teach you how to pronounce 'Avada Kedavra' when you bought it?" I ask. Victor just stares at me. Probably because he's never read any of the Harry Potter books.
Jenny Lawson
#12. So just to clarify, I always have my vagina with me. It's like my American Express card.
Jenny Lawson
#13. Even when everything's going your way you can still be sad.
Jenny Lawson
#15. There is nothing better than hearing that there is a drug that will fix a terrible problem, unless you also hear that the drug is for treating schizophrenia (or possibly that it kills fairies every time you take it).
Jenny Lawson
#16. YOU are using a frisbee as a plate."
"Uh, what? I'm not using a
oh hang on, this is a frisbee. Weird."
Victor glared at me.
"Dude, calm down, I'll wash it afterward. It's probably dishwasher safe.
Jenny Lawson
#17. Is "defeatedly" a word? As in, "She sighed defeatedly as spell-check implied that 'defeatedly' isn't a real word.
Jenny Lawson
#18. This is the same reason I listen to a lot of uber-conservative Republican radio. Because I want to know what is on the minds of my enemies.
Jenny Lawson
#19. I don't have arachnophobia (irrational fear of spiders) because fear of spiders is perfectly rational so I refuse to recognize it as a "disorder.
Jenny Lawson
#20. You're supposed to be sad when things are shitty, but if you're sad when you have everything you're ever supposed to want? That is utterly terrifying.
Jenny Lawson
#21. Most people don't have poisonous tap water in their house.
Jenny Lawson
#22. (Editor's note: Start over. Sound less ludicrous.)
Jenny Lawson
#23. And I looked closer and it totally did say Latoya. But in my defense, it looked like "Labia" from a distance. Much like tacos. Or Georgia O'Keeffe paintings.
Jenny Lawson
#24. Just cheer up is almost universally looked at as the most unhelpful depression cure ever.
Jenny Lawson
#25. No really. What exactly did you do today, Jenny? Quantify it for me."
"It's not quantifiable. There aren't even metrics for the shit I do.
Jenny Lawson
#26. One of the best things you can do as a parent is to realize that your child is nothing like you, and everything like you.
Jenny Lawson
#27. There's so much shame involved in not being like everyone else. But I learned that the things that made me unique were good. Dealing with problems can be awful. But in the end I got positive results. I don't think I would have been a writer if I didn't have anxiety.
Jenny Lawson
#28. I'd convinced myself that girls are like small bears: cute to look at, but far too dangerous to have lunch with.
Jenny Lawson
#30. It was a very imaginative, bitey possum and also a total douche-canoe.
Jenny Lawson
#31. A friend is someone who knows where all your bodies are buried. Because they're the ones who helped you put them there.
And sometimes, if you're really lucky, they help you dig them back up.
Jenny Lawson
#32. Because getting a headset sweaty was kind of small potatoes compared to the fact that I was brandishing a machete at large raptors, while considering the pros and cons of hiring a pimp to dig up our dead dog.
Jenny Lawson
#33. Decorum is highly overrated and probably causes cancer.
Jenny Lawson
#34. it would be hard to believe that a man had invented walls when most of them couldn't even be bothered to close the bathroom door while they're using it.
Jenny Lawson
#35. I hope one day to be better, and I'm pretty sure I will be. I hope one day I live in a world where the personal fight for mental stability is viewed with pride and public cheers instead of shame. I hope it for you too.
Jenny Lawson
#36. Unfortunately, that was not my father's intent at all, and my eyes widened in horror as my father leaned over and yelled in his booming, cheerful voice, "HELLOOOO, VICTOR," while tossing a live bobcat on him. Most
Jenny Lawson
#38. everything in the world either is or isn't pandas
Jenny Lawson
#39. I honestly can't think of any drug that has more of a stigma than antipsychotics. Truthfully
Jenny Lawson
#40. There will be moments when you have to be a grown-up. Those moments are tricks. Do not fall for them.
Jenny Lawson
#41. That's the moment I realized how incredibly lucky I am to have spent eighteen years with a man who can laugh at bad gun-control jokes whole a severed bear head is lying on his pillow.
Jenny Lawson
#42. I just realized that men get stiletto knives and women get stiletto shoes. This whole thing is fucked.
Jenny Lawson
#43. You are defined not by life's imperfect moments, but by your reaction to them.
Jenny Lawson
#44. The dark side always seemed very organized and vaguely Republican.
Jenny Lawson
#45. When I wake up in the morning I often find messages left to me on my phone. Then I read the messages and I suspect that I'm being stalked by a madwoman. And I am. That madwoman is me. The calls are coming from inside the house. Some
Jenny Lawson
#46. Maybe I'll be able to relax and enjoy my life without letting fear keep me from living it. Maybe one day I'll easily acknowledge the frank truth ... that I have no other choice but to breathe and move forward.
Jenny Lawson
#47. It is an amazing gift to be able to recognize that the things that make you the happiest are so much easier to grasp than you thought.
Jenny Lawson
#48. The amount of money I would pay for people to stop fucking up grammar is only slightly lower than the amount I'd give to ensure I never have grammatical errors in the statements I make calling others out on their grammatical errors.
Jenny Lawson
#49. Cannibals say that we taste like pork, and bacon is my spirit animal, so we're probably delicious.
Jenny Lawson
#50. And I have the Internet. That sounds weird, but Twitter is a lot like having a large, invisible gang of equally messed-up people who will hide with you in bathrooms and make you laugh under the pillow fort you've built in a lonely hotel room.
Jenny Lawson
#51. Sometimes the depression is mild enough that I mistake it for the flu or mono,
Jenny Lawson
#52. Sometimes stunned silence is better than applause.
Jenny Lawson
#53. In the dark you find yourself, all bones and exhaustion and helplessness. In the dark you find your basest self. In the dark you find the bottom of watery trenches the rest of the world only sees the surface of.
Jenny Lawson
#54. Some claim that depression can be "prayed away" or is caused when you don't have enough God in your life. I tried God once but it didn't work well so I cut the dose by a third
Jenny Lawson
#55. IIlike your skin because it keeps your organs from falling out onto the carpet.
Jenny Lawson
#56. I can finally see that all the terrible parts of my life, the embarrassing parts, the incidents I wanted to pretend never happened, and the things that make me "weird" and "different," were actually the most important parts of my life. They were the parts that made me ME.
Jenny Lawson
#57. I stood at the end of the street, catching snow in my mouth, and laughed softly to myself as I realized that without my insomnia and anxiety and pain I'd never have been awake to see the city that never sleeps asleep and blanketed up for winter. I smiled and felt silly, but in the best possible way.
Jenny Lawson
#58. I am very aware of the fact that I'm not right. I know hiding under tables and in bathrooms isn't normal. I know that I've carved out a life that lets me hide when I need to because I wouldn't survive any other way.
Jenny Lawson
#59. Why would I want to do more when I'm already doing so well at nothing?
Jenny Lawson
#60. When I was little, my father used to sell guns and ammo at a sporting goods store, but I always told everyone he was an arms dealer, because it sounded more exciting.
Jenny Lawson
#61. Australia is filled with roundabouts and everyone drives on the wrong side of the road. In the end we decided to split up the work and I feverishly watched the GPS and yelled, Left! Right! ROUNDABOUT!
Jenny Lawson
#62. So I'm standing there, holding a googly-eyed can of beans as it shakes and loudly farts the birthday song to me in a gas station.
Jenny Lawson
#63. How am I feeling? I'm sort of in the mood to feel righteously indignant but I don't have anything worth getting indignant about. I guess I'm mad that people aren't stupider when I need them to be.
Jenny Lawson
#64. Everyone gets caught accidentally sneaking weird stuff through security sometimes though.
Jenny Lawson
#65. It's about taking those moments when things are fine and making them amazing, because those moments are what make us who we are, and they're the same moments we take into battle with us
Jenny Lawson
#66. In spite of the fact that I hurt more than when I was in labor, I was pretty sure the doctor was just going to tell me I needed to fart really bad.
Jenny Lawson
#67. In short? It is exhausting being me. Pretending to be normal is draining and requires amazing amounts of energy and Xanax.
Jenny Lawson
#68. I have learned that every person in the world is on the spectrum of mental illness. Many people barely register on the scale, while others have far more than they could be expected to handle.
Jenny Lawson
#69. Don't compare your insides with someone else's outsides.
Jenny Lawson
#70. I've always been a fan of therapy. You spend an entire hour talking about yourself and someone has to fake being fascinated by the strange assemblage of minutiae that is you.
Jenny Lawson
#71. If you were crazy you wouldn't realize how crazy it sounds," she said gently but insistently. "You're recognizing a problem and you're getting help for it, the same way any sane person with a medical problem would.
Jenny Lawson
#72. She was right, but at the same time she reminded me why girls make both great and terrible friends: They actually listen to your goals, even when you're too drunk to know what you're saying.
Jenny Lawson
#73. To the birds, I assume it must've been very much like accepting a ride from a stranger, only to get in the back of the van to find several murdered hikers who were being made into lamp shades. My
Jenny Lawson
#74. I'm not going to say I told you so" is pretty much the same thing as saying "I told you so." Except worse because you're saying "I told you so" and congratulating yourself for your restraint in not saying what you totally just said.
Jenny Lawson
#75. So you'll have to just trust me when I say that you are worthy, important, and necessary. And smart. You may ask how I know and I'll tell you how. It's because right now? YOU'RE READING. That's what the sexy people do. Other,
Jenny Lawson
#76. Every time I get scared or feel like I'm not going to be good enough at something, I say that mantra to myself. "Pretend you're good at it."
Jenny Lawson
#77. I told my boss that I had a book inside of me, and that I needed to get it out even if I had to squeeze it through my vagina. Because that's exactly what the world needs. A book squeezed from my vagina.
Jenny Lawson
#78. Dear Victor: I've poisoned something in the fridge. Good luck with that.
Jenny Lawson
#79. Grandpa did everything at his own pace, a speed that my sister and I referred to as 'when snails attack.' ... My grandparents' house was only about ten miles from ours, but the ride there would necessitate sandwiches packed for the trip, and several books to keep us occupied.
Jenny Lawson
#80. If someone asked me to pick out my own vagina's mug shot out of a lineup of vaginas, I'd be helpless. And probably concerned about what exactly my vagina had been doing that constituted a need for its own mug shot.
Jenny Lawson
#81. Cats act with their eyes. They are the small, silent film actors of their time, and they are vastly underrated.
Jenny Lawson
#82. Because I'm no good with directions, but I'm really good with landmarks, so if you tell me to go north on Main, I'm fucked, but if you say, "Turn at that Burger King that burned down last year," I totally know what to do, so we should build a GPS system that does that.
Jenny Lawson
#83. But really, what else are you going to talk about in line at the liquor store? Childhood trauma seems like the natural choice, since it's the reason why most of us are in line there to begin with.
Jenny Lawson
#84. This'll be a hootload of fun," coming from a taxidermist's assistant translates to: "This will cost thousands in psychoanalysis and will probably ruin your dress.
Jenny Lawson
#85. Some days are good, and some days are bad, and some days are the days you get a dead dog in the mail. They can't all be winners.
Jenny Lawson
#86. As always when we bought a new home, Victor asked the questions about deed restrictions and taxes, while I asked the two questions I was always responsible for: "Has anyone ever died in the house?" and "How many bodies are buried on the property?
Jenny Lawson
#87. Hell, there are probably people out there right now who consider us to be shiny people (bless their stupid, stupid hearts)and that's pretty much proof that none of our brains can be trusted to accurately measure the value of anyone, much less ourselves.
Jenny Lawson
#88. This place is very bushy," I said, using words to describe things.
Jenny Lawson
#89. When I was in junior high I read a lot of Danielle Steele. So I always assumed that the day I got engaged I'd be naked, covered in rose petals, and sleeping with the brother of the man who'd kidnapped me.
Jenny Lawson
#90. You've overthought this. Well, I have an anxiety disorder. This is what it's like in my head all the time.
Jenny Lawson
#91. The only person you need to be better than is the person you were yesterday
Jenny Lawson
#92. If the plural of "octopus" is "octopi" then why isn't the plural of "rabbit" "rabbi"? Is it just because "octopuses" is too much fun to say? *
Jenny Lawson
#94. he said that he couldn't even give people who'd been shot the bullets he dug out of them because they're considered "medical waste" once they've been pulled out of your body. This seems a bit hypocritical because my daughter came out of my body and they totally let me take her home.
Jenny Lawson
#95. If I'd have been thinking I would have left some Woolite and my delicates by the sink for him to rinse out, but you never think to turn your pet raccoon into a tiny butler until it's too late.
Jenny Lawson
#96. Like books, the Internet has saved my life. It helped me recognize that so many people I adore suffer from the same things I do.
Jenny Lawson
#97. A hug is like a strangle you haven't finished yet.
Jenny Lawson
#98. The Spoon Theory was created by a friend of mine, Christine Miserandino, to explain the limits you have when you live with chronic illness.
Jenny Lawson
#99. I don't need Botox," Laura countered. "I got Bangtox. It's when you decide to get bangs to cover your forehead wrinkles. It totally works and no one injects poison in your face." I
Jenny Lawson
#100. Of a deal, then you're probably the kind of person who grew up in a town that has a gas station, and that doesn't encourage students to drive to school in their tractors. Wall
Jenny Lawson
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