Jack Handy Quotes

#1. The only way to make a difference is to acquire power.

Hillary Rodham Clinton

#2. Writers are cut open on the page.

A.D. Posey

#3. Forgetting wasn't the same as being happy. Being drunk wasn't the same as forgetting ... we were at our most miserable when we're doing it to ourselves.

Eleanor Brown

#4. The process may seem strange and yet it is very true. I did not so much gain the knowledge of things by the words, as words by the experience I had of things.

Plutarch

#5. The world stands on absurdities, and without them perhaps nothing at all would happen.

Fyodor Dostoyevsky

#6. She'd been betrayed, shot, saved, healed, hurt, healed again, forced to resurrect two men, only to witness the reassassination of one of them.

V.E Schwab

#7. If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

Jack Handy

#8. His action was inexcusable, but it was forgivable.

David Ingerson

#9. This is a dumb quote.

Jack Handy

#10. ~ "It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

Jack Handy

#11. If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that's another weakness.

Jack Handy

#12. I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

Jack Handy

#13. If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go...because man, they're gone!

Jack Handy

#14. Add a few drops of venom to a half truth and you have an absolute truth.

Eric Hoffer

#15. I don't care what your daddy told you. I don't care what your grandaddy told you. The South lost. Get over it man! -January, 2003; Opening lecture to Intro to Civil War Era Studies, Gettysburg College

Mark A. Weitz

#16. Most people are multi-talented and good at a lot of things, so I just think it's smart, especially in this day and age where the competition is so fierce, in every avenue, to have a bunch of things you're doing.

Allie Gonino

#17. If you want to put golf back on the front pages again, and you don't have a Bobby Jones or a Francis Ouimet handy, here's what you do: You send an aging Jack Nicklaus out in the last round of the Masters and let him kill more foreigners than a general named Eisenhower.

Dan Jenkins

#18. Wait, what are you doing?" She could apparently hear the strain in my voice as I craned my neck from side to side. "I'm trying to see past a little girl on my hood."
"Oh. Isn't that dangerous?"
"Normally. But she has a knife."
"Oh, well, then, I guess it's okay.

Darynda Jones

#19. If the just man is good at keeping money, he is good at stealing it.

Plato

#20. Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad. And then I think, "Aw, who cares?" And then I think, "Hey, what's for supper?

Jack Handy

#21. Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you'll be a mile from them, and you'll have their shoes

Jack Handy