Humor Jen Quotes

#1. Okay, Jen, he could fuck you with that voice alone and you're Squeaky McSqueakerson? Let's try for a little more on the sexy purr side, please

Katie Allen

#2. I still believe in the Holy Trinity, except now it's Target, Trader Joe's, and IKEA.

Jen Lancaster

#3. All due respect to the Resurrection, but two-becoming-one might be the greatest miracle ever.

Jen Hatmaker

#4. You're here. I'm here. I love you. I'm gonna pee all over the floor about it.

Jen Sincero

#5. That's why you're going directly back to the house. The last thing we need is for you to end up in jail again, and I'm quite certain disassembling another lady's hair falls under the category of assault.

Jen Turano

#6. Ambien might have mentally just tossed my salad. WITH CROUTONS.

Jen Lancaster

#7. I have this idyllic love life, but my mind just won't accept that. I would like to bring a new guy home every night. I try to make humor out of that situation.

Jen Kirkman

#8. CUSTOMER: Do you have this children's book I've heard about? It's supposed to be very good. It's called Lionel Richie and the Wardrobe.

Jen Campbell

#9. He really did posses the ability to be extremely annoying when he set his mind to it.

Jen Turano

#10. Humor's an excellent way to make a point more palatable and/or relatable.

Jen Lancaster

#11. Theodore- Hello, Grandmother. You're looking more beautiful than ever.
His grandma- You did have to inherit your looks from someone.

Jen Turano

#12. I thought cobblers just ate shoe leather" Jocelyn says as she and her shadow dance by us.
I've had enough of this one. "I never have, but if you want to try leather, I'm happy to shove some down your throat.

Jen Calonita

#13. Thank you, Caillou, for having a nonphonetic title so my son cannot look you up on Netflix.

Jen Hatmaker

#14. The best way to keep your house spotless is to begin writing a novel.

Jen Knox

#15. It was fortunate she loved him because he really was an idiot.

Jen Turano

#16. CUSTOMER: Is your mother around ?
BOOKSELLER: ... I run this bookshop.
CUSTOMER: Oh. Sorry.

Jen Campbell

#17. Love is like the human appendix. You take it for granted while it's there, but when it's suddenly gone you're forced to endure horrible pain that can only be alleviated through drugs.

Reverend Jen

#18. When you say gorgeous," Jen started, "are we talking Brad Pitt boyish good looks, or Johnny Depp make ya want to slap somebody?" "No, we're talking Brad and Johnny need to bow down and recognize" Jacque answered.

Quinn Loftis

#19. She reached the powder room and shut the door behind her, jumping in fright at the sight that met her gaze in the mirror, until she realized it was her reflection. She peered closer and grinned.
She looked deranged.

Jen Turano

#20. I could not recall the last time I had been so flagrantly insulted.

Don't make enemies, I told myself.
Swallow your pride.
Hold your tongue.

But the fact was, I had real difficulty with those particular virtues.

Jen Crane

#21. I've determined the ideal job for me is one where I can write clever essays about my life and my employer will give me enough money not only to live a comfortable existence, but also to buy many, many new pairs of shoes.

Jen Lancaster

#22. Ok, let me just write that down for you since you seem to think I'm you personal assistant," Sally responded, her tone clipped.
"You ever noticed how assistant starts with ass? Do you think that's a coincidence?" Jen shrugged her shoulders as she raised her eyebrows at Sally.

Quinn Loftis

#23. Demons, werewolves, zombies
they're all supposed to be for entertainment purposes only.

Jen Naumann

#24. We're all guilty of saying insincere things at one point or another, if only just to make the moment not totally suck as much as it truly does.

Jen Naumann

#25. No, it's not a 'corpse thing.' I feel I lack the emotional capacity to deal with those in mourning ...

Jen Lancaster

#26. Suddenly, Blaze appears, alone. "She's in the middle of something really important. What do I tell her?"

Jen groans. "Tell her she gets to hack into the CIA's system. She won't be able to pass that up.

C.B. Cook

#27. I can cry at the drop of a hat."
"You find hat-dropping distressful?"
"If it's a nice hat, and it has dropped in the mud, certainly. I could cry about that for days.

Jen Turano

#28. You want to change? Lose the bitch. Be nicer to people. Stop telling them to "bite you" and threatening to kick them until they're dead.

Jen Lancaster

#29. I was moving briskly. Well, until I realized I had a crazy lady chasing after me. Then I started to run.

Jen Turano

#30. -Am I allowed to call you Grayson, or have you assumed a new identity as well?
-He's Frank.

Jen Turano

#31. Today you, my dear Felicia, look incredibly delightful, and I assure you, I'm not trying to humor you in the least.

Jen Turano

#32. You know what it was like? It was like thinking I was heading to a surprise party and instead it was a surprise pap smear.

Jen Lancaster

#33. Fletch then kisses me on the forehead before opening the cabinet under the coffeemaker to grab placemats and napkins. Retrieving these items is his job because I kind of don't like to bend. I also refuse to carry anything heavier than my purse.

Jen Lancaster

#34. I want sprinkles.

Jen Jones

#35. I yearn to be a woman of more depth, but I'm not so fond of the path I'd need to follow to get there.

Jen Lancaster

#36. Agatha - You're somewhat odd. You know that, don't you?
Felicia - I'll take that as a compliment.
Agatha - It wasn't meant as such ...

Jen Turano

#37. One would think that since Hamilton and Eliza only just got married, our mothers would be satisfied for a while, but instead they seem to have come to the conclusion that everyone needs to enter into the state of wedded bliss. Quite frankly, they've turned scary.

Jen Turano

#38. Jeffrey to Felicia - Given your peculiar fashions over the past four years, I'm afraid you've caused people to believe you're a little insane.

Jen Turano

#39. Plain boiled food, plain boiled thinking. Even his name is plain boiled: John. Maybe because I grew up with black bean sauce and hoisin sauce and garlic sauce, I always feel something is missing when my son-in-law talk.

Gish Jen

#40. When she gets rattled, the South really comes out. Once when Daddy tried to cancel our country club membership because he said the dues were too high, she went from zero to Atlanta burning in zero point five seconds.

Jen Lancaster

#41. CUSTOMER: Oh, look, these books are all signed. (Pause) I wonder who signed them ?

Jen Campbell

#42. CUSTOMER: If I were to, say ... meet the love of my life in this bookshop, what section do you think they would be standing in?

Jen Campbell

#43. Felicia- Tell me, are my whiskers on straight?
Cora- I truly never thought I'd be having that question asked by my daughter, but yes, they're on straight.

Jen Turano

#44. Yeah, I'm over forty, flighty, and fluffy- I'd say I'm not ideal bouncer material.

Jen Lancaster

#45. You think you're so cool just because you can walk!

Jen Lancaster

#46. I want to read the entire dictionary, but I am afraid that someone is going to spoil the ending!

Jen Selinsky

#47. Bookshop Customer: 'Who wrote the bible?'
Customer's friend: 'Jesus.

Jen Campbell

#48. Sally laughed. "When you first told me you were interested in Decebel, I honestly thought that there was no way you two would ever work. But man, you are both such freaks, I honestly don't think anyone else could put up with either of you."
"Or keep up with us." Jen winked.

Quinn Loftis

#49. - You are exceedingly annoying.
- Thank you.
- It was not a compliment.

Jen Turano

#50. Maybe love is something we're meant to say casually and not regard as a prize from a treasure chest that a person earns.

Jen Glantz

#51. I spread my arms. In the Rainbow Jungles of Ever there lives what I affectionately call, killer ducks.

Jen Wylie

#52. Fletch is back from Austin, and turns out what sounded great on paper didn't match up to reality. He says its so hot down there, I'd spontaneously combust the second I stepped off the plane. Plus with humidity turning the air as thick as oatmeal, my hair would always be a disaster. So, Austin's out.

Jen Lancaster

#53. Harriet's mouth dropped open. In her world, urgent meant someone died, the rent was overdue, or dinner could not be served due to lack of funds. It never meant one was anxious for a delivery of hats.

Jen Turano

#54. His question is pretty dangerous for me to try to answer, so I don't - it continues to hang out there like the stained underwear at a slumber party that goes unclaimed.

Jen Naumann

#55. You know, I just had a thought," he drawled.

"Is that a new occurence for you? Is your brain tingling?"

Cash and Jen

Elle Kennedy

#56. I'm a humor writer, so I don't always present myself in the best light.

Jen Lancaster

#57. Amen,' I exclaim, accidentally spitting out a Raisinet. I pick up the chocolate with a Kleenex and stuff it in my purse. Ten bucks says a month from now I'll have forgotten about it and will finally have said heart attack when I assume a rat shat in there.

Jen Lancaster

#58. Cost to clean deeply soiled rugs: $200.
Cost to replace shiny, black, stack-heeled, pilgrim-toed boots: $185.
Cost to fix every single delicious table and chair leg in the house: $490.
Life with two shelter dogs: fucking priceless.

Jen Lancaster

#59. Miss Sumner, may I inquire as to why you're lounging on the floor?" Mrs. Watson asked.
Miss Sumner uttered something which sounded very much like "it should be obvious" before she lifted her head. "You really must compliment your staff, Mrs. Watson. This floor is remarkably clean.

Jen Turano

#60. Felicia (to Grayson) - To think Eliza truly does seem to be under the misimpression that you're capable of charm.

Jen Turano