Jen Lancaster Quotes

#1. Plaid is always cute and always will be. But only on the bottom. At the top, it makes you look like a farmer.

Jen Lancaster

#2. I had been terrified of Halloween my entire adult life. Loved it as a kid, but the minute I got out of college, there were little kids at my door demanding candy, which, No. 1, I couldn't afford, and, No. 2, if I had candy, it would be mine.

Jen Lancaster

#3. Owning a dog is slightly less expensive than being addicted to crack.

Jen Lancaster

#4. The Tao of Jen was very much the Tao of hiding everything that didn't look good. The Tao of Jen is wearing a cocktail dress with underwear with holes in it. The Tao of Jen is all style and no substance.

Jen Lancaster

#5. I just thank God my husband and I found each other before the advent of social media. I can't imagine dating someone and seeing what they're doing on their Facebook page. And people breaking up with each other over texts now? We had to break up with each other face to face back then.

Jen Lancaster

#6. Point? Maybe you aren't a Carrie or a Samantha or a Charlotte or a Miranda.
Maybe you're just you.

Jen Lancaster

#7. I didn't want to turn into Martha Stewart. I wanted to turn into a more organized, more gracious me. And that truly has happened.

Jen Lancaster

#8. After we were married, we were broke. Flat broke. Not only did we not have health insurance, we could barely keep a roof over our heads, let alone have the kind of coin to throw around on onesies and Pampers.

Jen Lancaster

#9. When I got laid off, I would write my friends these 15-page-long emails. This was before people had personal emails, and my friends would tell me that I was going to get them fired if I kept sending them stuff, so I started a website.

Jen Lancaster

#10. As a reader, I notice political views regardless of whether or not the book is fiction. What annoys me is when said views do nothing to advance the narrative.

Jen Lancaster

#11. Ambien might have mentally just tossed my salad. WITH CROUTONS.

Jen Lancaster

#12. This way, when I do have something like special-occasion engagement cake, I can enjoy the whole damn thing without a twinge of remorse. I

Jen Lancaster

#13. I still believe in the Holy Trinity, except now it's Target, Trader Joe's, and IKEA.

Jen Lancaster

#14. If I had kids, I'd probably be way over-protective, researching everything they begged to see to make sure the content was appropriate.

Jen Lancaster

#15. If I were to run for president, then people would debate the pros and cons of what's wrong with me in increasingly aggressive 140 character tweets and Facebook status updates, and, inevitably, everyone would end up fighting.

Jen Lancaster

#16. I can clean my own house. Now, maybe a couple of times a year we have a cleaning crew come in before we have a party, but otherwise, I'm able to maintain it myself.

Jen Lancaster

#17. Nothing gives me greater pleasure than to say yes, only to have my plans fall through at the last minute and I can take off my regular-people clothes and redon my paint-splattered yoga pants.

Jen Lancaster

#18. I'm noticing a lot of the big bloggers who've posted about politics are experiencing an ugly backlash. Readers are angry because they went to the bloggers' sites for a laugh, not a lecture. Again, it's a question of being appropriate for the audience.

Jen Lancaster

#19. Cost to clean deeply soiled rugs: $200.
Cost to replace shiny, black, stack-heeled, pilgrim-toed boots: $185.
Cost to fix every single delicious table and chair leg in the house: $490.
Life with two shelter dogs: fucking priceless.

Jen Lancaster

#20. Despite my best efforts, I'm not quite perfect. Let's just say I'm like one of those Hopi blankets where they leave a tiny flaw so as to not affront the Lord.

Jen Lancaster

#21. Amen,' I exclaim, accidentally spitting out a Raisinet. I pick up the chocolate with a Kleenex and stuff it in my purse. Ten bucks says a month from now I'll have forgotten about it and will finally have said heart attack when I assume a rat shat in there.

Jen Lancaster

#22. I am going to embarrass myself. I have accepted that fact, and that's just how it's going to be.

Jen Lancaster

#23. Some people are destined to be deep thinkers. I am not one of those people.

Jen Lancaster

#24. I'm a humor writer, so I don't always present myself in the best light.

Jen Lancaster

#25. Just as I got older, I think I've become more and more conservative.

Jen Lancaster

#26. If you're in the midst of a midlife crisis, you could buy a convertible, have an affair, or upgrade your cup size. But you'll probably be happiest if you save a dog's life.

Jen Lancaster

#27. Maybe I've moved to the dark side, but it's clean and nice and we never run out of toilet paper.

Jen Lancaster

#28. When it comes to matters of pro sports, politics or palate, disparate sides claim their party, team and cola to be superior.

Jen Lancaster

#29. Although I get a lot of specialty services like wraps, scrubs, and
mustache removal, my favorite is the simple manicure/pedicure. They work on your hands and feet at the same time while you sit in a vibrating chair. I call it the sorority girls version of a threesome.

Jen Lancaster

#30. Photo developers everywhere are likely the reason my entire generation didn't devolve into total chaos.

Jen Lancaster

#31. Were I forced to describe this woman in one word, that word would be ... herpes.

Jen Lancaster

#32. The iPad's all about proprietary apps that are supposed to be amazing on the bigger screen.

Jen Lancaster

#33. When you think about a drill sergeant, a drill sergeant expects you to perform your best, and if you don't, they're going to stay on you until you do.

Jen Lancaster

#34. I can't believe anyone would voluntarily run 26 miles. Sometimes I sit on the couch cross-legged because I don't feel like walking to the bathroom.

Jen Lancaster

#35. Couple this discovery with the realization that my things shouldn't own me and that life's meant to be lived, not displayed on Pinterest, and my sense is I've finally achieved something close to balance. I feel excellent about actually having

Jen Lancaster

#36. Dessert is my reward for having met my goals during the day. Really, dessert is an event rather than a specific item.

Jen Lancaster

#37. Remember when Japan was cool? We used to run around with 'Mr. Roboto' on our Walkmans, 'The Karate Kid' in our Betamaxes and wore T-shirts embossed with the characters for 'storm sewer' and 'dishwasher.'

Jen Lancaster

#38. As I examine my life through this book, I can't help but wonder if my mother was right. Maybe I really was what I ate. And maybe if she'd let me eat a little more sugar, I'd have come out sweeter.

Jen Lancaster

#39. Writing is something that I've always loved. That stems from my love of being a reader.

Jen Lancaster

#40. I hesitated before buying a Kindle. I wasn't worried that the digital reader would ruin literature as we know it. Rather, my concern centered on using an electronic device in the bathtub.

Jen Lancaster

#41. Asking me to choose between a traditional book and a Kindle is like asking me which of my dogs I love most.

Jen Lancaster

#42. I learned to speak Italian, somewhat. Definitely enough to get around in Italy. My grandfather always used to swear at my grandmother in Italian.

Jen Lancaster

#43. I don't mean to get all religious here, but I'm pretty sure key lime martinis (with a graham cracker & sugar rim) are proof that Jesus loves us.

Jen Lancaster

#44. Once I was unemployed and didn't have money, you can't just go to dinner. The onus is on you to learn to cook ... I learned how important the right equipment is.

Jen Lancaster

#45. To be clear, I'm not opposed to apps; I just want them to be geared to my lifestyle. I don't need a virtual NASCAR racing app, but I'd certainly appreciate one that stopped my husband from plowing into the lawnmower every time he pulls into the garage.

Jen Lancaster

#46. I'm the person who says every single thing she thinks, sometimes to others' amusement, and almost always to my detriment.

Jen Lancaster

#47. Humor's an excellent way to make a point more palatable and/or relatable.

Jen Lancaster

#48. When did the cell phone become a license to be rude? And why must I be subjected to your personal conversations?

Jen Lancaster

#49. No one gives out Congratulations on Not Being a Douche-Canoe medals, because good behavior is part of the social contract.

Jen Lancaster

#50. Butterflies are a lot like rainbows: They're phenomenally beautiful in real life, yet no graphic representation can do them justice; ergo, it's best to forgo.

Jen Lancaster

#51. Hell hath no fury like a middle-aged woman in a fuzzy pink robe, hopped up on a winning combination of allergy medicine, Alias reruns, and anger.

Jen Lancaster

#52. I married a man who isn't afraid to wash a dish, scrub a toilet, or have his unibrow waxed into submission by a licensed professional.

Jen Lancaster

#53. When she gets rattled, the South really comes out. Once when Daddy tried to cancel our country club membership because he said the dues were too high, she went from zero to Atlanta burning in zero point five seconds.

Jen Lancaster

#54. Reality television gave me an amazing feeling of moral and intellectual superiority without actually requiring any effort past moving the dogs to find the remote.

Jen Lancaster

#55. I don't care how happily married you are or how deeply enmeshed you are with your children and family and career
every woman needs a couple of chicks who'll break out the sangria just because you need to vent.

Jen Lancaster

#56. Everyone who reads me is someone I'd like to hang out with.

Jen Lancaster

#57. No one wants to friend or follow covert info about Pakistan's nuclear policy.

Jen Lancaster

#58. You know how it's almost impossible for kids to not say what they think? That's me. I have to make the conscious effort to be situationally appropriate.

Jen Lancaster

#59. I yearn to be a woman of more depth, but I'm not so fond of the path I'd need to follow to get there.

Jen Lancaster

#60. Now with social media, people essentially come into my living room, my virtual living room, and tell me everything that is wrong with me.

Jen Lancaster

#61. Back in early 1983, my dad was tasked with keeping unions from organizing in his company's distribution centers. His work pulled him away from home for months on end.

Jen Lancaster

#62. I'm not lazy. I'm simply judicious about excess movement.

Jen Lancaster

#63. Fletch then kisses me on the forehead before opening the cabinet under the coffeemaker to grab placemats and napkins. Retrieving these items is his job because I kind of don't like to bend. I also refuse to carry anything heavier than my purse.

Jen Lancaster

#64. I could manage my life so much better if an app could tell me exactly when my parcels will be delivered so I don't spend the day under virtual house arrest.

Jen Lancaster

#65. You know what it was like? It was like thinking I was heading to a surprise party and instead it was a surprise pap smear.

Jen Lancaster

#66. Life is unfair and there are winners and losers, regardless of how much overprotective parents attempt to shield their offspring from reality.

Jen Lancaster

#67. I think people tend to be very myopic and they don't understand how their actions impact others.

Jen Lancaster

#68. I would rather receive a Pap smear from Captain Hook than venture out in New Year's Eve.

Jen Lancaster

#69. The first 'Wii Fit' games I tried were the slalom and ski jumping. I believe my spectacular failures here had more to do with the board resting on thick carpet than my shoddy balance.

Jen Lancaster

#70. I've always been able to cook Italian food. That's in my blood because I'm half Sicilian.

Jen Lancaster

#71. I'm not thin, but I'm strong - plus my balance is such that I can navigate a flight of stairs with a basket of laundry and a stack of Pottery Barn catalogs, vaulting over cat-and-dog hurdles, never once spilling my coffee.

Jen Lancaster

#72. I like Oprah. I could sit around and make vision boards all day, but I wouldn't actually get anything done if I were to concentrate on my feelings rather than doing.

Jen Lancaster

#73. For the record? I have never been her baby. In fact, I reject the notion of coming out of her body. I prefer to believe I was hatched, or perhaps purchased.

Jen Lancaster

#74. Except for thinking up reasons I'm allowed to skip the gym, my schedule is almost totally empty. (Today's reason is because I have a cold. Yesterday's was the dogs seemed sad.

Jen Lancaster

#75. This is terrific! What fun! Maybe tomorrow I can go to the prom with my brother. The day after, perhaps I can wear white pants and unexpectedly get my period.

Jen Lancaster

#76. With the mere click of a mouse, I can be put in my place but good via Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Tumblr, Pinterest, or Google+, just to name a few. (But not MySpace, which has been a ghost town since 2008. I hope Tom's okay.)

Jen Lancaster

#77. Fletch is back from Austin, and turns out what sounded great on paper didn't match up to reality. He says its so hot down there, I'd spontaneously combust the second I stepped off the plane. Plus with humidity turning the air as thick as oatmeal, my hair would always be a disaster. So, Austin's out.

Jen Lancaster

#78. You know what? We need a recession in this country, because that would finally weed out all the subnormal, underdeveloped, stupefied, puerile people in this workforce.

Jen Lancaster

#79. In terms of being smart, Libby is very, very pretty.

Jen Lancaster

#80. I have to pause the video while I corral the dogs in the other room. They howl in protest, and I tell them they are harshing my mellow and Yogi Beef Jerky's going to be pissed.
Such a Pretty Fat: One Narcissist's Quest To Discover if Her Life Makes Her Ass Look Big, Or Why Pie is Not The Answer

Jen Lancaster

#81. Although they're doing manual labor, they're both wearing tailored slacks and dressy leather shoes, which

Jen Lancaster

#82. I mean, six years ago my electricity's being cut off and my car's getting repossessed and I'm being evicted from my apartment, and now I'm all Yeah, havin' dinner with Rudy in the Hamptons, what of it?

Jen Lancaster

#83. I've always feared growing older because I thought I'd run out of interests, but what this project has taught me is that I've barely scratched the surface of what I could try next.

Jen Lancaster

#84. If forced to choose between a book and a Kindle, I'd opt for the comfort and ease of bound pages. I mean, I can't break a book if I drop it on a cement floor.

Jen Lancaster

#85. Beauty pageants, you're only judged once. Sorority rush, you have to go through 20 parties.

Jen Lancaster

#86. I never sleep on the plane. I have to be awake and using my mind power to keep it in the air

Jen Lancaster

#87. We all know exactly what we love, and woe is you if you're on the other side.

Jen Lancaster

#88. I began writing fiction when I started running out of material in my own life.

Jen Lancaster

#89. In real life, I tend to yell at people a lot. Not because I'm bossy or mean, but because I'm frustrated.

Jen Lancaster

#90. I bet if I spent less time with the television and more time pursuing activities that enhance my life and expand my knowledge, I won't freeze up in business or social situations.

Jen Lancaster

#91. I tried, it was hard, I quit, the end. Story of my life.

Jen Lancaster

#92. I'm very detail oriented. I think that's why people enjoy my memoirs - because I tend to remember everything.

Jen Lancaster

#93. You think you're so cool just because you can walk!

Jen Lancaster

#94. Yeah, I'm over forty, flighty, and fluffy- I'd say I'm not ideal bouncer material.

Jen Lancaster

#95. When I hug her, I notice she's still wearing yesterday's false eyelashes.
Mom? You know those come off with a little makeup remover and a cotton pad?"
I'm not taking them off."
Why not?"
I spent $180 on that makeup job and I refuse to wash my face until I get my money's worth.

Jen Lancaster

#96. I realized I couldn't have one foot in the fiction world and one foot in the nonfiction world, which is why 'Here I Go Again' is so not me. I didn't graduate from high school in the '90s, I never listened to metal music, and I don't time travel.

Jen Lancaster

#97. Like it. And, hey, why do I have so much sand in my crotch? Okay,

Jen Lancaster

#98. Everyday I feel more and more like a full-fledged adult. Even though it was (metaphorically) only yesterday I was sloshing in the door at four a.m. after Dollar Beer Night, I find myself with a mortgage, four types of insurance, and a non-laundry-quarter-based retirement fund.

Jen Lancaster

#99. I'm not one of those folks who have to face death to live life. I

Jen Lancaster

#100. I guess my most prized pop culture possession is a signed first edition of the book 'Fight Club' by Chuck Palahniuk.

Jen Lancaster