Hilarious Comedian Quotes

#1. I'd sooner go through with a pregnancy than spend a night alone in my house knowing there was a snake in the yard.

Chelsea Handler

#2. You're so hilarious. You know, if this whole Daimon-slaying gig doesn't work out for you, you should really consider being a comedian. The bright Barney hair color would just add to the overall entertainment factor.

Sherrilyn Kenyon

#3. So when he touched me, it was deeper and slower than the wildfire, like the flow of molten rock far beneath the surface of the earth. Too deep to feel the heat of it, but it moved inexorably, changing the very foundations of the world with its advance.

Stephenie Meyer

#4. If the seed doesn't get planted, it can't become a toxic thornbush. We must guard our minds and our hearts, starting with our eyes.

Craig Groeschel

#5. The titles are born, worn, discarded, forgotten, and none of them matter.

George R R Martin

#6. In the era of security clearances, to be an Irish Catholic became prima facie evidence of loyalty. Harvard men were to be checked; Fordham men would do the checking.

Daniel Patrick Moynihan

#7. There is not a command God gives to His children for which He does not provide the enablement for obedience.

A.B. Simpson

#8. Only a box of birds, Malorie thinks. Yet, it does feel like progress.

Josh Malerman

#9. Truth is like fire; to tell the truth means to glow and burn.

Gustav Klimt

#10. Civilization depends on, and civility often requires, the willingness to say, "What you are doing is none of my business" and "What I am doing is none of your business.

George F. Will

#11. I like people not being able to be pigeon-holed.

Matthew Shipp

#12. It's not the parts of the Bible I don't know that worries me ... it's the parts that I do.

Mark Twain

#13. They were two wandering souls drawn to each other by a shared understanding of the world.

Hend Al Qassemi

#14. I'm all for rational enjoyment, and so forth, but I think a fellow makes himself conspicuous when he throws soft-boiled eggs at the electric fan

P.G. Wodehouse

#15. I have two concerns with my work: having good things to act, and getting paid. In that order. Although if you're not getting paid well, that order can change. But that's what I'm concerned about. Good scenes. Decent money.

Terry O'Quinn

#16. I think my speeches are hilarious. I think I'm a natural comedian, but I like denying people the chance to laugh. I want to deny you the relief of the punchline.

Lydia Lunch