Top 100 Galifianakis Quotes
#1. Zach Galifianakis is a comic force of nature! He is terrific. He digs down here and delivers a beautifully nuanced performance that gets under your skin. Just like the movie.
Peter Travers
#2. My name is Zach Galifianakis and I hope I'm pronouncing that right. I'm named after my granddad, my middle name. My name is Zach Granddad Galifianakis.
Zach Galifianakis
#3. Azhar Usman is very funny, deeply spiritual, and extremely hairy. He's like Zach Galifianakis meets Deepak Chopra-and funnier than you'd expect that combination to be.
Russell Peters
#4. I make decisions to do movies based on the cast. I'd just been working with Zach [Galifianakis] on The Hangover, and I was thinking, I've got to find something to do with this guy immediately.
Todd Phillips
#5. Zach Galifianakis is hilarious. I worked with him on a pilot before; he's hilarious and such a nice person.
Zachary Gordon
#6. You know how some people have gay-dar? I have fat-dar. I can automatically tell if you're fat or not. And I also have cerebral-palsy-dar.
Zach Galifianakis
#7. I'm writing a book about Siamese Twins that are attached at the nose. It's called: Stop Staring at Me!
Zach Galifianakis
#10. My New Year's resolution was to stop saying 'You go, girl' to myself.
Zach Galifianakis
#11. The congressmen and senators used to go have a drink in D.C. They would disagree all day long, but they would find that time to sit down and learn about each other personally. I think that's totally wiped out; I don't think it really exists anymore.
Zach Galifianakis
#12. My stand-up is more like how I am in real life. I don't really do a character thing in stand-up. It's just a bunch of sentences that are supposed to be funny.
Zach Galifianakis
#13. When I was in high school I used to sit by myself in the cafeteria - not necessarily by choice - but I thought it was funny to talk to people that weren't there.
Zach Galifianakis
#14. Do you ever do something, and then think to yourself: That's So Raven?
Zach Galifianakis
#15. I'd like to do a reality show with four white people ... who are dropped off in a really bad black neighborhood. And the show would be called ... Cracker Hunt.
Zach Galifianakis
#16. I'm the most mellow person offstage. I think it's just, going onstage lets me get out some frustration that I'm too shy to do in real life. Instead of doing it in private, I'd rather do it in front of 1,000 people who've paid $25 to see me lose my mind.
Zach Galifianakis
#19. If you read my blog, you know I'm a pilates freak. And by pilates, I mean waffles.
Zach Galifianakis
#20. Fat jokes to me are always, always hilarious, as long as they're done towards yourself.
Zach Galifianakis
#22. The whole thing about working in front of the camera is to make people laugh when they're not supposed to.
Zach Galifianakis
#24. You save 15 more minutes of sleep if you are a man and you don't have to shave.
Zach Galifianakis
#25. I want to do another reality show. It's based on The Mole. It's about sexually transmitted diseases. It's called "God, I Hope That's a Mole."
Zach Galifianakis
#26. My dad doesn't get any of my jokes. He laughs at them, but he doesn't understand them. He's just laughing because people around him are laughing.
Zach Galifianakis
#27. At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?
Zach Galifianakis
#28. I like to read the bible in public places where people are watching me read it. And I like to mumur out to myself: 'Bullshit!'
Zach Galifianakis
#29. We all know how funny Morrissey is. Actually, you know what? I say that sarcastically. His songs are some of the funniest songs I've ever heard in my life. I mean, really. I mean, not that the 'Girlfriend in a Coma' is, like, really funny.
Zach Galifianakis
#30. My father used to beat me with his belt ... while it was still on him.
Zach Galifianakis
#31. Hollywood's built on insecurity. People are trying to prove things. And I probably have that. I probably do. Probably guilty of it, in a way.
Zach Galifianakis
#32. I just try to keep myself a traditionalist. I liked being an underground comic doing my thing. I want to maintain that. I just do.
Zach Galifianakis
#33. I don't like to have anybody tell me to be in a place at certain times. That's kind of the advantage of stand up. You're self-employed.
Zach Galifianakis
#36. I've never been in love ... But I imagine it's similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food
Zach Galifianakis
#37. I wonder if in 2050 there will be a movie called, 'Dude, Where's My Spaceship'
Zach Galifianakis
#39. I find anger to be funny. I find people that are so wrapped up in their own personalities to be funny, and lost. Like myself in real life.
Zach Galifianakis
#40. I'm not cynical when it comes to things that are important. I'm cynical about pop culture and all that horseshit.
Zach Galifianakis
#42. You know, sometimes if you work - if you do a lot of takes and you work long hours, for me, at least, there is a delirium that starts kicking in on the fifteenth hour, and that can help. Below the just thirteenth hour is where I have a concern, because everybody's so tired.
Zach Galifianakis
#43. My girlfriend and I went to a dinner party the other night and we ended up playing charades. There was another couple there that was deaf. They were so good.
Zach Galifianakis
#44. I don't like cursing in movies. I feel like cursing has become the new hackiness. You try to find substitutions for cursing.
Zach Galifianakis
#45. I think those neighborhood signs that say 'slow children playing' are mean.
Zach Galifianakis
#46. I was just thinking how unfortunate it'd be to be a fat girl named Candy.
Zach Galifianakis
#48. I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.
Zach Galifianakis
#49. My headshot is a scratch and sniff, it smells like failure and onions.
Zach Galifianakis
#50. I don't really have a pattern yet. I don't know if I'll develop one. As far as comedic integrity, I don't have integrity in general, comedic or otherwise.
Zach Galifianakis
#51. I do not have a helmet. But this is a wig, so it's a little protective.
Zach Galifianakis
#52. I understand Tea Partyers' anger with the system, but they are in way over their heads and often racially motivated, and I can't be part of that.
Zach Galifianakis
#53. I am not into publicity. I'm not good at it. I get anxiety about it.
Zach Galifianakis
#54. I like characters that are fragile and a little bit on the edge .
Zach Galifianakis
#56. When I do stand-up for a long time, I'll get burned out, then I'll get an acting gig. For me, the grass is always greener. I'd like to do a mixture of all of it. My goal is just to do small movies that I've written. That's what I'm trying to do now, just write smaller movies.
Zach Galifianakis
#57. I think comedy is a really, really good tool for trying to say something.
Zach Galifianakis
#58. Whenever I'm with a woman I whisper softly into her ear, "Touch my vagina," and she's like, "What!" and I'm like, "That's what you're supposed to say.
Zach Galifianakis
#59. My girlfriend looks a little like Charlize Theron ... and a lot like Patrick Ewing.
Zach Galifianakis
#60. Actually, I used to be a busboy in a strip joint in New York and so I hate strip joints. I'm not that kind of person.
Zach Galifianakis
#61. When you're doing standup you're kind of doing, 'Hey. I thought of this. This may be funny.'
Zach Galifianakis
#62. I'm not versed enough in constitutional law to run for office. I'd have to go back to school or something.
Zach Galifianakis
#63. It's not good for comedy to be like, 'Thanks for liking me.' Being popular is poison.
Zach Galifianakis
#64. I have to stop crying when I watch "The View". It's not because of the topics at hand, I just feel sorry for that couch.
Zach Galifianakis
#68. I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cabdriver.
Zach Galifianakis
#69. The problem with these interviews is that there's no sarcastic font.
Zach Galifianakis
#70. I get burned out on standup. But I like acting. I do like it. But sometimes you just feel like a monkey. You just feel like a complete tool. But I like it. I do like it. Stand-up is just more free. A lot more freedom because you just do what you want to do.
Zach Galifianakis
#71. A good stand-up, you lead the audience. You don't kowtow to the audience. Sometimes the audience is wrong. I always think the audience is wrong.
Zach Galifianakis
#72. American society loves to prop people up and then take them down.
Zach Galifianakis
#73. I don't want my personal life to change. I don't understand why people strive for [fame]. I know it's ironic for me to be saying this, but this will be the last one I do.
Zach Galifianakis
#74. I dream of starting a three-man country trio called the Chixie Dicks.
Zach Galifianakis
#75. I think comedy does have that powerful thing that doesn't seem too preachy because you're also making people laugh, so it's really kind of a good tool for messaging.
Zach Galifianakis
#77. I would have changed my last name if being famous were my goal.
Zach Galifianakis
#78. When you look like I do its hard to get a table for one at Chucky Cheese.
Zach Galifianakis
#79. I kind of put myself out there as is. I'm a quiet person. I don't know if that's surprising. I'm a Pilates junkie.
Zach Galifianakis
#80. I don't want to do an edgy show, I didn't want bad language. I think edginess is the new hackiness.
Zach Galifianakis
#81. I'll never forget my grandmother's last words. She said 'What are you doing?'
Zach Galifianakis
#82. There was a long time where I was an 'artist' in quotes, who had no money. But I guess back then I also never had a girlfriend.
Zach Galifianakis
#84. Element of surprise is really fun for me in comedy. I have to be surprised, and everything's been done.
Zach Galifianakis
#85. I do whatever comes my way. But I get burned out on stage. It's a lonely world. I think part of the romanticism about being on the road is you get to meet a lot of - my mom once told me, "You've probably got a woman at every port." Like I'm a pirate. Obviously she doesn't know her son that well.
Zach Galifianakis
#86. I think sadness and anger are really fertile ground for comedy. No one is really interested in a happy person doing comedy.
Zach Galifianakis
#87. 'Baskets' isn't a CBS show. Nothing against that, but this is an off-kilter show on cable that the channel lets you do interesting things. Look, if it works, it works. And if it doesn't, it's just a miniseries.
Zach Galifianakis
#89. You're not supposed to be accepting trophies. You're supposed to be in the back being mad that people are getting trophies.
Zach Galifianakis
#90. You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name
and you've never been to that bar before.
Zach Galifianakis
#91. It's fun for me to couple emotion with comedy. I think it helps comedy. I think a lot of times American comedies don't play on emotion too much.
Zach Galifianakis
#92. I'm an American so its kind of hard for me to talk about 9/11. So whenever someone brings it up in a conversation, I say "I didn't like 9/11."
Zach Galifianakis
#93. I know my face is turning red. I don't want you to interpret it as being embarrassed. It's rage. The color of my face is rage.
Zach Galifianakis
#94. I watch a happy person doing stand-up, and I go, "What the hell is this? This person's happy!" You need internal conflict. You need the guy to be out of step with society. It's a tool for comedy.
Zach Galifianakis
#95. Don't boo people! Don't boo! Be more specific! Like, 'WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT?! I HATE THAT! I HATE IT!'
Zach Galifianakis
#96. That's one of the great things about comedy: we can - and should - say the things that other people aren't supposed to say. If we didn't do that, if we didn't push against those limits, we'd just be standing around onstage and yelling.
Zach Galifianakis
#98. I once walked in on my grandparents making love ... And that's why I don't eat raisins.
Zach Galifianakis
#100. I just could just shave my beard, and nobody would recognize me. Although I look like Jodie Foster.
Zach Galifianakis
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