Top 73 Fitzsimmons Quotes
#1. Somebody stole my identity. Good luck using it without the medications.
Greg Fitzsimmons
#2. Taking down the Christmas tree makes it feel official: time to get back to joyless and cynical.
Greg Fitzsimmons
#3. I was just in Las Vegas, where prostitution is legal. Which is a relief because I live in Los Angeles, where it is mandatory.
Greg Fitzsimmons
#5. His regret was cold and offered no comfort. Filled up with words that he wished he had spoken and the faces he wished he had spoken them to.
Matthew FitzSimmons
#6. Therapy really did prepare me to become an empathic songwriter. As far as advice goes, it's a matter of self understanding first.
William Fitzsimmons
#7. They just tested the tap water in Los Angeles and they found traces of estrogen and antidepressants in the tap water. So it's nice to know my son's going to grow up and have huge breasts but it's not going to bother him that much.
Greg Fitzsimmons
#8. I'm sure people are shocked when they see a guy speeding and cutting them off and having road rage while in a Prius.
Greg Fitzsimmons
#9. There's so many ways to do stand up, and I think, for awhile, people weren't really maximizing the freedom of it. We were all kind of doing a similar kind of stand up, and I started to see some original voices come out of Boston.
Greg Fitzsimmons
#10. I'm not Metallica, you can tell that I'm really not that angry in most of my songs.
William Fitzsimmons
#11. When a banana gets rotten people love to tell you that you can make banana bread out of it. I have never seen anyone actually do it.
Greg Fitzsimmons
#12. I'm kinda stuck in that awkward in-between stage where my hair is just starting to fall out, but I'm still maintaining my youthful acne.
Greg Fitzsimmons
#13. Music is generally important to blind people, and most of the blind people that I have come into contact, through my parents, music is very special to them.
William Fitzsimmons
#14. Growing up with Bronx Irish parents during an era of protests against the status quo, I was especially committed to doing the opposite of what I was told to do. Forty-four years later, I am left with only one means of making a living: comedy.
Greg Fitzsimmons
#15. When I was in college, I would go out, and I would go to these open mic nights at Stitches and Nick's Comedy Stop, so I was going to classes during the day, and then at night, I would be signing up on the lists.
Greg Fitzsimmons
#16. Entitlement breeds laziness, which in turn breeds decline. But of course with enough money, it is possible not to notice for decades that your family name is gathering dust.
Matthew FitzSimmons
#17. If you're a positive person, you're an automatic motivator. You can get people to do things you don't think they're capable of.
Cotton Fitzsimmons
#18. I have a basic philosophy that I've tried to follow during my coaching career. Whether you're winning or losing, it's important to always be yourself. You can't change because of the circumstances around you.
Cotton Fitzsimmons
#19. I've finally been able to trust and have intimacy with somebody, which I've never been able to do. Like a lot of guys, I just have a hard time getting that connected. I can actually sleep with her in my arms - spoons position, right? Women smile, they love the spoons. Men would rather fork.
Greg Fitzsimmons
#20. The most interesting nerds are the ones who take offense to being called nerds.
Greg Fitzsimmons
#21. I have to stop watching the Olympics. It just reminds me that I forgot to try really hard at something.
Greg Fitzsimmons
#22. Iowa's the worst. Iowa's just nothing, just flat as far as you can see. It's the only state in the country where you can stand on your front porch and actually watch your dog run away for three days.
Greg Fitzsimmons
#23. Same thing every year, getting up at the crack of dawn, drinking, fighting, throwing up, pissing on walls and then you leave the house and things get bad.
Greg Fitzsimmons
#24. If you want to stop two people from having sex, let them get married.
Greg Fitzsimmons
#25. I knew that drinking and doing stand-up was going to make me less of an effective comedian. And I just had a lot invested in wanting to be a really good comedian and so I stopped for that reason.
Greg Fitzsimmons
#26. I love when problems have simple solutions. Cold medicine. Umbrellas. Condoms. Tax incentives & subsidies attracting favored industries.
Greg Fitzsimmons
#28. You're not going to make me have a bad day. If there's oxygen on earth and I'm breathing, it's going to be a good day..
Cotton Fitzsimmons
#29. I am definitely not listening to anything remotely close to my music, at least not on a nice day.
William Fitzsimmons
#30. They say no one knows if we all see red the same way. Except traffic cops.
Greg Fitzsimmons
#31. What was the first rule to getting someone to fall in line? Figure out what they need and give them a taste. Not enough to sate them, but enough to whet their appetite. Enough that they wanted more. Needed more.
Matthew FitzSimmons
#32. That is the thing about being a writer; your subject matter may not stay your subject matter if you break their trust by revealing personal and editorialized information about them.
Greg Fitzsimmons
#33. My dad was in radio; he was a broadcaster, and it was in the family. He hosted kind of a game show at one point on TV; he was the original host of 'Good Day New York,' and he hosted the Jerry Lewis telethon for 15 years.
Greg Fitzsimmons
#34. The first time I ever found Paste I thought somebody just might have finally made a magazine using only the contents of my brain. I read it cover to cover every single month.
William Fitzsimmons
#35. They say men have a sexual thought every 20 seconds. The other 19 are shame.
Greg Fitzsimmons
#36. Anyway, the trick is seeing what they're trying to hide. What are they trying to draw your eye away from? Figure that out, and you figure out the man. Or woman. But start with men, because they're easier. Women are more of a PhD thing.
Matthew FitzSimmons
#37. What is most difficult is when the large part of me that is a narcissist grows weary and is overtaken by the self-loathing part that always lurks in the shadows waiting for an opportunity to shine.
Greg Fitzsimmons
#38. If you want to find guys with small penises, go to the Hummer dealership.
Greg Fitzsimmons
#39. I never know what I'm going to say as I walk up to the microphone. I try to be in the moment. I try to go deeper into myself. I discover things on stage that I don't discover off stage about me.
Greg Fitzsimmons
#40. The world is fantastic...it's the ultimate absurd circus and I am shot from a cannon into the energy!
Michael Fitzsimmons
#41. What kind of selfish prick hangs himself where he'll be found by his fifteen-year-old son? No note, nothing. It was unforgivable.
Matthew FitzSimmons
#42. Lieutenant Governor Paterson - blind, black guy - gets sworn in. First thing he says is, 'By the way, cheated on my wife. Let's just get that out in the open right now.' He didn't need to admit that. He's blind. Could have said it was an accident.
Greg Fitzsimmons
#44. If I am feeling musical and I pick up the guitar, usually something will eventually come out and I'll see where it goes.
William Fitzsimmons
#45. The best drunks are the ones who only hang out with other drunks in places we all know are filled with drunks.
Greg Fitzsimmons
#46. What happens next?" Gibson found he was curious too. They finished The Return of the King two years later, and in the process, Gibson became a reader. Something
Matthew FitzSimmons
#47. Time was the great leveler, and neither money nor power held sway over its relentless march.
Matthew FitzSimmons
#48. If it is a good song, it is a good song. The Beatles were pop, the beach boys were pop and it's the best music of all time.
William Fitzsimmons
#49. But in a pinch, he was a capable coder too. He just wasn't especially fast. So when he was finally done coding and debugging his program and ran a successful test, it was past eleven on Tuesday night. He hadn't slept but for a few hours on Sunday night, and the lack of sleep had cooked him.
Matthew FitzSimmons
#50. there are kings and there are kingmakers. Regardless of what populist history might argue, you rarely have one without the other.
Matthew FitzSimmons
#51. I enjoy writing the same way I enjoy doing standup. Part of the challenge is being creative and making it work no matter what the constraints.
Greg Fitzsimmons
#52. My father told me when I first started that standup is exciting and I should pursue it, but that writing would be the thing that would give me power over my career. I never have to take a road gig or a writing gig I don't want because I always have the ability to play one against the other.
Greg Fitzsimmons
#53. Driving around with a receding hairline and two kids in a Prius feels a bit boring for me.
Greg Fitzsimmons
#54. We are now able to create virtual realities on computers. Are we all living in one created by someone in the future?
Greg Fitzsimmons
#55. That old adage, that "music is a universal language", is really true. Even if all of the lyrics are understood, they seem to connect with it really well and in some ways, more so.
William Fitzsimmons
#57. Rescuing dogs is looked upon as a noble, trendy pursuit. But wouldn't rescuing a man from a homeless shelter be, in fact, more humane?
Greg Fitzsimmons
#58. It's an amazingly consistent thing with Irish people. We will talk to strangers at parties for hours. It's what we were bred to do I think. And the Jewish people were bred to write the stuff that we say.
Greg Fitzsimmons
#59. I feel life is to be lived. You want to spend your time doing things and being with friends and all that.
Greg Fitzsimmons
#60. Hope is a cancer. One of two things happens. Either you never learn the truth, in which case it gnaws down to the bone until there's nothing left, or worse, you do, and you go through that windshield at ninety because hope told you it was okay to make the drive without a seat belt.
Matthew FitzSimmons
#61. The compulsion to do the opposite of what you are told does not lend itself to many occupations outside the entertainment industry. Within the industry, it is unlikely that you will be very successful without it.
Greg Fitzsimmons
#62. My kids teased me at dinner that I'm not cool. I told them if I was cool I wouldn't be sitting at home with my kids. Pass the gravy.
Greg Fitzsimmons
#63. I don't like to change things too much. I think pretty hard about things before I jump in, and once I do, I feel, 'All right, I don't want to waste the energy of buying, selling this, going on Consumer Reports, test driving, buying, selling a house.' I feel life is to be lived.
Greg Fitzsimmons
#65. In the immortal words of Duke Vaughn, "If you don't have anything nice to say, take a big bite and chew slow.
Matthew FitzSimmons
#66. There was an old joke - it's not the fall that kills you but the abrupt stop.
Matthew FitzSimmons
#67. I feel like I am too old to eat jelly. But I am too young to eat prunes. I am between grapes.
Greg Fitzsimmons
#68. If we don't have souls then who am I talking to when I keep telling myself to be good?
Greg Fitzsimmons
#69. The most interesting hipsters are ones who stop being hipsters.
Greg Fitzsimmons
#70. When I work in San Francisco doing stand-up, I usually schedule it for July, and we'll drive up the coast and camp in Santa Barbara, San Luis Obispo, Big Sur, and we'll just camp our way up the coast, and then we'll get to San Francisco and hang out there for four days.
Greg Fitzsimmons
#71. Don't be like me. Look at me: monogamous, in shape, no debt, sober ... I'm dead inside.
Greg Fitzsimmons
#72. A memory swam up from the depths, its hideous, reptilian spine almost breaking the surface before it swam powerfully away from him.
Matthew FitzSimmons
#73. The NFL acknowledges that repetitive trauma to the head in football ... can cause a permanent, disabiling injury to the brain.
Bob Fitzsimmons
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