Dennis Miller Quotes

#1. I like Jon Stewart. He's not as obnoxious as Dennis Miller, whom I really can't stand.

Tom Lehrer

#2. I was probably just trying to be Dennis Miller, but without the vocabulary to actually be Dennis Miller. I guess I was just less interesting than I am now, if I am interesting at all.

Todd Barry

#3. The funny thing is, Dennis Miller got me back into comedy.

Tommy Chong

#4. I think Janeane Garofalo is incredibly funny, and I love Dennis Miller.

Kristen Johnston

#5. I don't believe in burning holy books, but I am organizing a protest. I'll be burning all my Dennis Miller VHS cassettes as a special protest. I don't want to hear the introduction 'you may have seen our next comedian on the Hannity show'.

Andy Kindler

#6. Big deal, so he scored. The last time I saw someone dance like that I had to pay her $20 and have my pants dry cleaned the next day.

Dennis Miller

#7. I didn't know my Dad - he moved out early. And my mom's politics were kind of hardscrabble. She didn't think about Democrats or Republicans. She thought about who made sense. I've been both in my life.

Dennis Miller

#8. It's nice to be included in the broadcast food chain.

Dennis Miller

#9. The Mexican people I know seem to respect the country in a way that many spoiled brats who were born here don't. So come on over folks, the more the merrier. But please, sign the guest book on the way in.

Dennis Miller

#10. 5) "lost" prescriptions (for example, a customer dropped off a prescription on Tuesday and returned on Wednesday only to find that the pharmacy staff can find no trace of that prescription - it happens more often than you think!).

Dennis Miller

#11. That punt was higher than Marion Berry on a fact-finding tour of Cartagena.

Dennis Miller

#12. Pat Buchanan is so homo-phobic, he blames global warming on the AIDS quilt.

Dennis Miller

#13. Everybody has to sell out at some point to make a living.

Dennis Miller

#14. You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R's only one begins with an R.

Dennis Miller

#15. On Writing About Nora Hawks
I write about a female character to try, in vain, to understand two things: the purpose of life, and women.

Dennis R. Miller

#16. Detroit's so bad this year they might lose their bye week.

Dennis Miller

#17. For me, all writing
storytelling and style
gets back to the Bible, Twain and Hemingway, and not in that order.

Dennis R. Miller

#18. The government could take away all the drugs in the world and people would spin around on their lawns until they fell down and saw God.

Dennis Miller

#19. Somebody call Janet Reno - I think I just saw Donato dragging Doug Flutie into a locker room closet!

Dennis Miller

#20. And by the way, my belief is that if men were the ones getting pregnant, abortions would be easier to get than food poisoning in Moscow

Dennis Miller

#21. If I want low-impact aerobics, I'll masturbate. If I want high-impact aerobics, I'll masturbate again.

Dennis Miller

#22. Liberals should not overplay this weapons of mass destruction card, because you want me to tell you the truth? Most of us are not going to care if they don't find these weapons of mass destruction. It's enough for a lot of us to see those kids smiling on that street again.

Dennis Miller

#23. Concussion? How the hell can they tell? They're *football* players, for chrissakes!

Dennis Miller

#24. It's your living room, it's your life, go nuts. You like Home Improvement? Tape it and go over it like it's the Zapruder film.

Dennis Miller

#25. I'm left on a lot of things. If two gay guys want to get married, I could care less. If a nut case from overseas wants to blow up their wedding, that's when I'm right.

Dennis Miller

#26. If Bill Gates is worth $30 billion then a good haircut must cost $31 billion

Dennis Miller

#27. Let me use their own terminology against them. They aborted a child in the 200th trimester.

Dennis Miller

#28. We've got Nancy Pelosi. She never shuts up. It's just occasionally we have to hood her like a falcon so we can get some sleep.

Dennis Miller

#29. I don't have credibility, I'm a comedian.

Dennis Miller

#30. One man's Voltaire is another man's Screech.

Dennis Miller

#31. [T]he man who accused Richard Simmons of slapping him in an airport has dropped the assault charge. Dropped it! Upon hearing the news, Simmons sadly responded, You mean I'm not going to prison?

Dennis Miller

#32. Hey, what if those crop circles are just ads for Target?

Dennis Miller

#33. The next time you get the urge to shut somebody up because they don't see the world exactly the same way you do, take a deep breath, get out your Bill of Rights, and count to the ten amendments.

Dennis Miller

#34. And quit bringing up our forefathers and saying they were civil libertarians. Our founding fathers would have never tolerated any of this crap. For God's sake, they were blowing peoples' heads off because they put a tax on their breakfast beverage. And it wasn't even coffee.

Dennis Miller

#35. Of *course* he needs to renegotiate his salary - the guy buys more snow than Seward did when he bought Alaska from the Russians.

Dennis Miller

#36. I have a prescription here for Obecalp for [patient's name], but I can't find it listed anywhere." He said, "Oh. That's placebo spelled backwards.

Dennis Miller

#37. Growing up, my family wasn't very tight. We were more like a tour group with secrets ...

Dennis Miller

#38. The Cowboy's defense has more holes in it than Ronny Milsapp and Jose Feliciano after a game of lawn darts.

Dennis Miller

#39. The average American's day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles's dart board.

Dennis Miller

#40. For the foreseeable future, we're going to need oil products because I don't like the idea of hydrogen cars. I'm not sure I want to be cruising around a mall parking lot filled with a thousand mini-Hindenburgs.

Dennis Miller

#41. I'm extremely moved by the loving, caring relationship the President always seems to have with his imaginary son.

Dennis Miller

#42. I think the people can bash Catholics because they know Catholics won't kill them. Quite frankly, there's some religions out there, you bash and they're going to kill you.

Dennis Miller

#43. I'm sorry, those pictures from the Abu Ghraib. At first, they, like infuriated me, I was sad. Then like, a couple days later, after they cut the guy's head off, they didn't seem like much. And now, I like to trade them with my friends.

Dennis Miller

#44. Now I don't have anything against Mexican people, but for God's sakes, sign the gust book on the way in.

Dennis Miller

#45. Born again?! No, I'm not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time.

Dennis Miller

#46. Any time your parent says they party with you, that is its own form of child abuse.

Dennis Miller

#47. Maybe democrats will eventually turn on Obamacare when they realize you might need a photo I.D. to participate in the program.

Dennis Miller

#48. Most Americans will let liberals and conservatives play their games because most Americans don't pay attention.

Dennis Miller

#49. When the hell is Warren Moon going to retire? I mean, this guy is older than the cuneiform in Nebuchadnezzar's tomb.

Dennis Miller

#50. There's no more delicious irony on the face of the Earth than environmental protesters being led away in plastic handcuffs that have a biodegradability horizon line of, like, 40,000 years.

Dennis Miller

#51. Drop the veneer periodically and be like "OK, I'm an imperfect human. Let's try to get through this."

Dennis Miller

#52. I'm one of the more pessimistic cats on the planet. I make Van Gogh look like a rodeo clown.

Dennis Miller

#53. I have sympathy for any human being that's driven by their limbic part of their brain. We all know that exists in a person.

Dennis Miller

#54. The way I've always governed my life as far as fiscal policy goes is I'm smart enough to know that I'm dumb about it, so I surround myself with smart people in much the same way a hole surrounds itself with a doughnut. I just pay things off. That's all I do.

Dennis Miller

#55. Bad television is three things: a bullet train to a morally bankrupt youth, a slow spiral into an intellectual void, and of course, a complete blast to watch.

Dennis Miller

#56. Check out the helmet hair on Randy Moss, babe! He looks like some freakish anti-Mr. T after a long evening sleeping through 'Aida.'

Dennis Miller

#57. I used to be sceptic, but not anymore, because now I am positive that I'm getting screwed.

Dennis Miller

#58. Warner had more hands in his face than an OB-GYN delivering Vishnu's triplets!

Dennis Miller

#59. On Thursday, a passenger forced his way into the cockpit of a United Airlines flight from Miami, but was subdued after the co-pilot hit him with a small ax. Good to see our airlines are being kept secure by the latest in 12th century technology.

Dennis Miller

#60. There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it.

Dennis Miller

#61. I remember once my kid got in trouble for saying to his teacher, "What time is fucking recess?" and I remember thinking, "Now where would he fucking pick up something like that?

Dennis Miller

#62. I preume there are far too many abortions performed in this country. And I also believe that at the end of the day, as much as I might disapprove, none of them are really any of my business.

Dennis Miller

#63. Is it just me, or are the 49ers doing an awful lot of ass-patting today?

Dennis Miller

#64. I haven't seen someone so overmatched since Mike Tyson tried to recite the alphabet.

Dennis Miller

#65. Wouldn't it be great if all of Osama bin Laden's money was tied-up in Enron stock?

Dennis Miller

#66. 10. Medicaid patients who bitch about $1 copay, then go up front and buy cigarettes & beer.

Dennis Miller

#67. A developer is someone who wants to build a house in the woods. An environmentalist is someone who already has a house in the woods.

Dennis Miller

#68. A recent conversation: Dubya: Look at the clock, time is racing! Cheney: That's the second hand, George.

Dennis Miller

#69. Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what's more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?

Dennis Miller

#70. Technology is fine ... , but that popular vision of the future, where you plug somebody in and leave them there and they don't get out and interact with actual flesh-and-blood humans - you know the answer before I say it - that's not good.

Dennis Miller

#71. I like money. It's fun to fold and stack and smell and look at. It's just plain fun to count money, and I often do it in a loud falsetto while wearing nothing but a captain's hat and a coin changer.

Dennis Miller

#72. So who's the big red menace nowadays? Cuba. That's it? I'm sorry, but it's hard to whip up any us against them nationalist fervor about a country whose principal export is citizens who can swim.

Dennis Miller

#73. Is global warming new? I don't know. When I was young I remember the sun being hot.

Dennis Miller

#74. To me, nature always appears more unbalanced than Gary Busey with a clogged Eustachian tube.

Dennis Miller

#75. Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch.

Dennis Miller

#76. And I know your next move, I watch you so much, 'There's been no proven link between the secular state of Iraq and al-Qaeda!' Come on. They both think we're Satan. Isn't that a nice starting point? Why are you so loathe to believe they might have each other on lunatic speed dial?

Dennis Miller

#77. The Democrats continue to snipe at Bush. They'll never give it up to him. You know Teddy Kennedy and Tom Daschle pick more nits than a father and son spider monkey team who know they're being followed by a National Geographic film crew.

Dennis Miller

#78. How many of those dead animals you see on the highway are suicides?

Dennis Miller

#79. What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its national will fighting against Disney World and Big Macs than the Nazis?

Dennis Miller

#80. What's so touching is the way we fight the war right until the moment our business is taken care of and then we turn on a dime and we immediately start taking care of people. It's like a shock and aw shucks campaign.

Dennis Miller

#81. Half the people I look who are health food addicts look sickly to me. Let's start taxing health food. Somebody force a burger down some of these people's jaw because they look a little pale and wan to me.

Dennis Miller

#82. By and large, I think it should be a rule in the teacher employment manual that you can't go attend any event where if you took your classroom on a student field trip, they would summarily be obliterated. That should be rule No. 1.

Dennis Miller

#83. I come from that earlier time in America when palm pilot was a nickname you recieved upon entering puberty! I was more than a palm pilot I was the palm Chuck Jager. Tom Wolfe wrote a book about me called The Right Hand Stuff. I was the only guy in my class hip enough to move to the European grip.

Dennis Miller

#84. The Patriots deflated balls are but an allegory for America's deflated balls in dealings with Putin, the Mullahs in Iran, and Islamic terrorists.

Dennis Miller

#85. When I'm writing, really writing, everything but breathing is an ignorable distraction.

Dennis R. Miller

#86. Parenting is the easiest job to get - you just have to screw up once and it's yours.

Dennis Miller

#87. If you could use the Internet somehow to see how a Fiji sailor is doing, rather than having to read a text version of it somewhere a day later, that would be great.

Dennis Miller

#88. We are overeducated pharmacy clerks (with doctorate degrees) answering the phone, running the cash register, ringing up donuts and dish soap while juggling 10 or more drug related issues per minute with our one technician yelling Override!

Dennis Miller

#89. I am proof that Einstein's "e equals m c squared" is wrong. My mass has increased, but my energy has dropped.

Dennis Miller

#90. The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt.

Dennis Miller

#91. Other than the bombs they strap to their chests, Ive got no idea what makes the Palestinians tick.

Dennis Miller

#92. Nothing ruins the mood during foreplay more than the recurring image of your sixty-five-year-old homeroom teacher trying to stretch a condom over a cucumber.

Dennis Miller

#93. I've seen better coverage at an Alan Keyes press conference.

Dennis Miller

#94. I'm like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess.

Dennis Miller

#95. There will be select instances where the consumer is interested in paying for premium content. I think it will be difficult to get people to pay for something on the Internet that they can find elsewhere on the Internet for free.

Dennis Miller

#96. The very definition of the innate hollowness of leading a political life when you end up on your nearest and dearest moments or most personal evenings with donors. That should - that should tell you all you need to know about the ramble that is politics.

Dennis Miller

#97. We are simultaneously the most hated, loved, feared and admired nation on this planet. In short, we are Frank Sinatra. And the Chairman didn't make his bones laying down for punks ...

Dennis Miller

#98. Al Gore couldn't be more phony if he were a professional Al Gore impersonator

Dennis Miller

#99. Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time.

Dennis Miller

#100. Dennis Kucinich's politics are more scrambled than Rod Steiger's dream journal.

Dennis Miller