Dane Cook Quotes

#1. A lot of the comedians nowadays just do comedy as a stepping stone. Take for example Dane Cook. The guy is huge. The main reason he got into it is to do what he is doing now: film and television work.

Gabriel Iglesias

#2. I don't hate Dane Cook, but I am trying to go after people I think are capable of more.

Andy Kindler

#3. Good Luck Chuck, a comedy starring Dane Cook and Jessica Alba, opened today, and critics are saying it has all the belly laughs you've come to expect from Jessica Alba.

Chelsea Handler

#4. I was doing comedy in laundry mats in 1992, literally where I would bring a little gorilla amp and a lapel mike and just start performing.

Dane Cook

#5. I was told by a girl once that I should teach a course on how to kiss properly. I thought that was really a nice compliment. I then asked her what she thought about my sexual prowess and she recommended I talk to a guy she used to date. Body blow.

Dane Cook

#6. Sometimes the only solution is figuring out a bigger problem to focus on.

Dane Cook

#7. It's the worst feeling when you come home alone late at night and think the stranger sitting on your couch is a pile of clothes.

Dane Cook

#8. What happens in Vegas, I'm telling everyone.

Dane Cook

#9. I feel like I was born and bred to stay self-motivated. I'm not one of those people who ho-hums and feels sorry for himself when something's bad.

Dane Cook

#10. I have new ideas every day, and I always want to take on new challenges.

Dane Cook

#11. No one wants to drown. Drowning would be the worst. Cause everyone knows that feeling. That feeling, oh it's the worst ... when you think you're drowning.

Dane Cook

#12. The problem with dating a model is they won't go out with you if your cars color doesn't match their outfit.

Dane Cook

#13. I'm not giving up on life. I'm giving up on today.

Dane Cook

#14. True love is when you're cheating on a person but the thought of them still makes your eyes smile!

Dane Cook

#15. If you use tact you can say anything, then make it funny.

Dane Cook

#16. When something's good, I'm not an over-celebrator.

Dane Cook

#17. When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

Dane Cook

#18. A couple of days back, I got into a car accident. Not my fault. Even if it's not your fault, the other person gets out of their car and looks at you like it's your fault: Why did you stop at a red light and let me hit you doing 80!

Dane Cook

#19. I am an observer, I like to watch people. I am into psychology and people - how they act and such.

Dane Cook

#20. Anger has a way of seeping into every other emotion and planting itself in there.

Dane Cook

#21. I never leave a dog alone in a car on a hot day. I make sure it's with an elderly person holding a baby.

Dane Cook

#22. There were times, earlier in my career, where I didn't have the wherewithal to self-edit, and I probably said things and pushed the limits to places where people might be put off. But that's truly part of developing as an artist.

Dane Cook

#23. When you don't have love, it is like there's a party going on and everybody was invited except for you ... and you just happen to walk by that house in the rain

Dane Cook

#24. What am I supposed to say to an atheist when he sneezes, ah, when you die nothing happens.

Dane Cook

#25. You need to open up your soul and have a weep-a-thon.

Dane Cook

#26. Let's talk a little about love. Sometimes you meet somebody and you have what is known as a relationship and things can go great. If things go great you have a great relationship. Sometimes it doesn't go so great and I call that a relationshit!

Dane Cook

#27. Are there glass shards in my anus?

Dane Cook

#28. It's hard dealing with day to day disappointments and feeling like you can't find success. Especially when your best friend is Pixar.

Dane Cook

#29. You can easily tell if a person is lying and cheating on you if they say, I love you. I would never lie to you or cheat on you.

Dane Cook

#30. Drive, ego and cocksureness are all essential elements in terms of getting exactly what you want but losing everything you've got.

Dane Cook

#31. I say God bless you, I don't say bless you ... I am not the Lord, I can't do that.

Dane Cook

#32. My favorite sexual position is when the girl is facing Mecca and I am fighting off a wolf.

Dane Cook

#33. I always wanted to be a snake. Every time I saw a snake on TV. I'd always say 'Why not me?'

Dane Cook

#34. Saw a lost dog sign with a pic of the dog and a little boy hugging it. I'm assuming the kids safe and we're just focusing on the pooch.

Dane Cook

#35. I won't take no for a question.

Dane Cook

#36. Pain only hurts when you are looking for a reason to quit. You don't feel a thing when you know you can still win.

Dane Cook

#37. I work with a lot of kids. Every year, for the past fifteen years, I work at Comedy Camp where I work with a lot of kids.

Dane Cook

#38. I'm a deep thinker when it comes to shallow no brainers.

Dane Cook

#39. I can do more than just stand-up comedy, and the only way I'll be able to show that is if I do it myself. Because nobody trusts that I can do it.

Dane Cook

#40. I'm really great in other peoples relationships.

Dane Cook

#41. If you're 1 of the 3 girls in pics with a greaseball whose arms are around you at a club you lose at life. If you're the greaseball you win.

Dane Cook

#42. I am going to name a group of my kids after my favorite cartoons, I am going to name them after Transformers.

Dane Cook

#43. Nice teeth is a turn on for me. If you open your mouth and it looks like a battle of epic proportions, I don't like it.

Dane Cook

#44. When somebody says I wouldn't change a thing they're thinking of something they would change.

Dane Cook

#45. Why do bad guys in movies always love to whistle really slowly?

Dane Cook

#46. I'm not racist, I've got a black president.

Dane Cook

#47. I'm shooting a pilot based on my show. It's a one-camera show. I play myself.

Dane Cook

#48. Sometimes sex is just a way to escape having to talk to that person.

Dane Cook

#49. I do like to cook. But I only cook a few things, but those few things I do really well.

Eric Dane

#50. Three weeks ago one of my dreams came true. I finally got to see something I always wanted to witness live. I finally saw someone get hit by a car ... Nailed!

Dane Cook

#51. I always thought that if I got no love at all early in my standup career, or I was god awful, I thought I'd get into psychology.

Dane Cook

#52. My grandmother died of natural causes. Or as my family calls it murdered by the lord.

Dane Cook

#53. I don't like littering and I think it leads to terrorist activities.

Dane Cook

#54. I saw a young boy eating an ice cream cone, ... I smashed it in his face. You know that kid is going to remember me when he's 50.

Dane Cook

#55. Strip clubs are great places to meet interesting people you only wanna know for about 40 minutes.

Dane Cook

#56. When I have a really hot date at a show, I definitely make it a point to use her name. The girls really love that.

Dane Cook

#57. I could take my time, and nobody was pressuring me to be a headliner. I could go up there, find my voice, and figure out what I wanted to do.

Dane Cook

#58. I don't know if I could kill someone with a frozen turkey because that is a lot of evidence to eat ... unless I found a whole room of people who also wanted that person dead.

Dane Cook

#59. You can't become tempted if you just give in a little quicker.

Dane Cook

#60. It's an incredible feeling falling in love someone who doesn't know you exist.

Dane Cook

#61. Hi, I'm a buck tooth and I like to be outside past the lips.

Dane Cook

#62. How do you fall into a lion's den, that is my first question there, you think you would be extra carefull around a den of lions.

Dane Cook

#63. Why do they call it the restroom? Is there anybody just resting in this room?

Dane Cook

#64. You've gotta share what's going on in your mind.

Dane Cook

#65. I'm interested in doing anything and everything that I can to squeeze the creativity out of my brain. I guess I'm kind of a performance rat, that's what I want to do, I love being on stage if I'm not on a set. I just love putting creativity into a performance.

Dane Cook

#66. I don't like when juice wears tights, its a horrible combination when juice wears tights.

Dane Cook

#67. Someone needs to make a zombie movie where when you get bit it turns you into a singing and dancing extraordinaire.

Dane Cook

#68. Text a guy you like right now, "I'm thinking about you." If he says, "mmm are you in bed?" Never speak to him again he's a lifelong moron.

Dane Cook

#69. Every great thing starts with an idea, followed by a doubt and finally a resolve to abandon or pursue. Victory is a treacherous journey.

Dane Cook

#70. Ex-girlfriends will find themselves in my new routine. Sometimes they like that, and sometimes they definitely do not. But comedians should come with a giant warning or disclaimer: IF YOU DATE ME, IT WILL BE IN MY ACT.

Dane Cook

#71. Any guy that refers to dating women as the hunt or being on the prowl should be evaluated for a number of conditions.

Dane Cook

#72. We're all gonna lie, we're all gonna cry, and we're all gonna take painful shits.

Dane Cook

#73. Jim Norton and Harland Williams always make me laugh.

Dane Cook

#74. The little boy inside of all us men always loves something video game related.

Dane Cook

#75. I think that people who do enjoy my stand-up comedy and the people who get it and the people who are taken in by it, they see that I'm a guy that has love of the game.

Dane Cook

#76. If you're drunk please don't drive. If you're on shrooms please don't think Walmart's a prison for bad clothing that needs help escaping.

Dane Cook

#77. Teach your kids to make deplorable choices and hopefully they'll rebel and make the right ones.

Dane Cook

#78. I just get excited doing shows. Off stage I am actually very feeble and must be spoon-fed because my hands are too brittle.

Dane Cook

#79. I have faith in all mankind. Well,not faith really, more like hopeful suspicion. And not "all" but 5 people. Mankind meaning computers.

Dane Cook

#80. I want to be able to challenge myself. And do things that are away from what I usually do. Stand-up is safe for me. I can do stand-up in front of twenty-five thousand people, and I'm like, "I know how to do this. This is what I do." I want to be a little scared.

Dane Cook

#81. Created a word game to play with a person you're fighting with. Silent Treatment. Nothing happens until one of you quietly says, Hey, you hungry?

Dane Cook

#82. You know you're lazy when you run out of toilet paper and use the cardboard roll to wipe with.

Dane Cook

#83. My brain is very fantastical. If I ever actually recorded myself, I could probably win a Grammy for sex talk. Being on the road while in relationships, you need to learn to pleasure one another.

Dane Cook

#84. Valentine's Day is a time to celebrate the joy of being in love. Unless you're single & lonely then it's called Laundry Day.

Dane Cook

#85. If my voice can resonate that way with kids, maybe it will resonate through 'Planes' as well, and they'll hear that little something that I'm giving to them, a performance that says to them, "I want to try." It's all interconnected. I don't think it's thinking too deeply about it.

Dane Cook

#86. I don't know if I could rebuild an airplane engine, but I know a little bit about rotors and rivets.

Dane Cook

#87. My nickname for my mom was 'The Compass.'

Dane Cook

#88. Sometimes, when a person gains a lot of success at a very young age, they become targets, and it's really easy to follow the crowds and not make independent decisions based on truly how you feel.

Dane Cook

#89. I grew up very self-loathing. I was a phobic. I had anxiety. I had panic attacks.

Dane Cook

#90. When a guy says "I have no idea what you're talking about" it means "I'm thinking of exactly what you're saying I did while I lie to you."

Dane Cook

#91. I found someones passport on the ground tonight. Where do you sell these things?

Dane Cook

#92. Dear semi hot girl taking photos on a boat. It's not your boat so stop acting like you own it. You drive a used Civic.

Dane Cook

#93. Some people have constipation of the brain but their mouth has the runs.

Dane Cook

#94. I do try to keep my show very improvisational. I don't work off a set list; I like to keep it more in the moment. I like to have information about where I'm going, what might be happening in that particular region as well. I like for people to feel like the show is for them.

Dane Cook

#95. When you are doing stand-up comedy, you are the writer, producer, director, sometimes bouncer.

Dane Cook

#96. I'm going to hell, ah ... but you're laughing, so you're coming.

Dane Cook

#97. In school I was pretty quiet. Kinda shy until my junior year. But at home I was a freak.

Dane Cook

#98. It's not for any purpose such as religion, health, or things like that, I just never felt I had the need or want to drink or do drugs.

Dane Cook

#99. It's hard to be happy for someone when you know deep down they'd kill you if they had the chance.

Dane Cook

#100. I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

Dane Cook