Top 100 Christopher Titus Quotes
#2. Get off your ass and do something. All you need is the right inspiration. Anger has fueled me my entire life. It makes me feel good and ... I'm okay with that. My fear is that my anger will one day make me so damned successful that I'll actually be happy. And then I'll just stop.
Christopher Titus
#3. Revenge is good. It's what separates us from the animals and the hippies.
Christopher Titus
#5. I believe life is about balance. My mom was brilliant, yet manipulative. Beautiful, but had more voices in her head than the Wu-Tang Clan. Loves her kids, killed her last husband. I say last husband because you don't get another one after that.
Christopher Titus
#7. We're ready for a real black President - someone like Jay-Z. Obama's fine, just not all black. He's our gateway Negro.
Christopher Titus
#8. Everyone should think for themselves. I learned that in a book I bought called 'Everyone Should Think For Themselves'.
Christopher Titus
#10. Losing builds character. You know who said that? A loser! Guy who got his ass stomped every day, basketball, football, baseball, lose, lose, lose and lose. All right, I'm talking about me.
Christopher Titus
#11. Nobody's really happy. And as soon as society realises that you can't trust anyone and that hardship is a natural part of existence, the sooner the therapists will realise that they are worthless! Sorry. They have worth deficit disorder!
Christopher Titus
#13. Anyone can have a relationship but if you're dating a woman who's so crazy in bed that if you aren't wearing your Kevlar one night you might never see daylight again ... that's exciting.
Christopher Titus
#14. My mum was crazy. And her mum was crazy. And her mum's mum was crazy. Is it my turn? Am I going to live the rest of my life giggling at raindrops, wearing paper slippers? When I go to dinner with friends should I not use a fork 'cause I just might snap? Hey, you guys look great. How's the baby?
Christopher Titus
#15. All of Dad's relationships ended exactly the same: subpoena, beep of a moving van backing up the driveway, pile of his clothes burning on the front lawn.
Christopher Titus
#17. You don't get a rebate at the end of your life for living with an idiot.
Christopher Titus
#18. The only thing that ever made me want to be a wife-beater is being called one. Your honor, can I have five minutes to make her not a liar, please?
Christopher Titus
#19. So what if your custom car shop tanks and you've gotta take a crappy job at an auto parts store, dealing with ignorant, pushy people. I'm okay with that, 'cause I'm an ignorant, pushy people person.
Christopher Titus
#21. Anyone look back at their high school career and just shudder at what you got away with and didn't die?
Christopher Titus
#22. We're looking for answers in a landfill instead of looking to people who bring the light.
Christopher Titus
#23. How far would you go for someone you love ? I heard this story, about this woman, who actually lifted a car off of her baby. 'Course I would have said, Dude! Back up. But, wasn't my kid. When I was born, if I'd have known all the stuff my dad was going to do for me, I'd have crawled right back in.
Christopher Titus
#24. We are brought into this world cold, weak, and helpless. Then it gets worse.
Christopher Titus
#25. And one more thing I want to be clear about- I know who I am. I am just a very thin layer of charming with some funny sprinkles wrapped around a huge creamy center of raging arrogant a-hole. I got it.
Christopher Titus
#26. I love being from a screwed up family. We have everything in my family: prescription drug abuse, mental illness, one of my uncles is a Mormon.
Christopher Titus
#27. Why should I learn English? I'm never going to England. Shah, pffff, ur, doy.
Christopher Titus
#28. When I was seven, I watched One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest with my mom. When Jack Nicholson was strapped to the table getting electroshock treatment, my mom burst into tears. She said it reminded her of her life, and I was stunned, because I didn't know my mom had been nominated for an Oscar.
Christopher Titus
#29. If you want to do something dangerous ... Don't tell your girlfriend!
Christopher Titus
#30. Texas is a hell hole, man. Dirt, cactus, lizards, dirt, cactus, the Bush family ...
Christopher Titus
#31. I had a real job at fourteen years old. At seventeen, I was on my own. At twenty, I cut the liver out of a drifter and gave it to my father! 'Cause my dad's a drinker and I love my dad. And for eighty bucks, you can do anything in Mexico!
Christopher Titus
#32. My father thrives on fear. You know that prayer If I should die before I wake? I had sheets that said that!
Christopher Titus
#33. Does anyone ever shudder with the crap that you pulled off and didn't die?
Christopher Titus
#34. Denial is a powerful weapon. My dad taught me mind over matter. No matter how hurt I got, he didn't mind.
Christopher Titus
#35. Consider Palin for President? The most powerful job on earth? You don't give the dumb cheerleader the Uzi. That's in the Bible.
Christopher Titus
#36. I got divorced from my wife on June 6, 2006. Yeah, 6-6-06, which coincidentally, was when my wife turned into a demon spawned from Satan's anus. But for legal reasons, I have to call her, Kate.
Christopher Titus
#37. My random acts of violence weren't random. They were premeditated.
Christopher Titus
#38. They call it torture when our guys put underwear on a guy's head, stripped him naked, put an egg between his buttcheeks and made him do jumping jacks. You know, if it can't get you into a fraternity at Chico State University, it's not torture.
Christopher Titus
#39. This horrible decade where all of us men tried to be individual rebels ... by wearing the exact same flaming skull on a bedazzled Ed Hardy thermal. I have three of them, I'm not laughing at you I'm laughing with you.
Christopher Titus
#40. Dad thinks vengeance is the coolest thing about the Lord. That, and turning water into alcohol.
Christopher Titus
#41. Sometimes, to help someone you love, you have to commit a felony. But, you don't want to go to prison for that. Hey, dude, what are you in for? Armed robbery? Murder? And then, you have to say, Love. And, that's definitely going to get you, you know, picked last for prison kick ball.
Christopher Titus
#42. I'm glad I was raised by my dad for other reasons, too. There are things you can learn from a father, as a son, that you can never learn from Mom. Special things, important things. Like never challenge Dad to a fist fight.
Christopher Titus
#43. I have a dream. With that one sentence, Martin Luther King touched and empowered an entire nation. You know what else he did? He made everybody else without dreams feel real bad.
Christopher Titus
#44. By the way, six A.M.? Not a real great time for me; you know, I'm a comic. I get off work at two. Six A.M., I'm a little grumpy. Six A.M., I'm a little P.O.ed. Six A.M., I'm like a vampire with a paper route.
Christopher Titus
#45. I'm thinking of a presidential bid; currently indexing and cross-referencing everyone I've tweeted my junk to. 8x10s available.
Christopher Titus
#47. Take the time to smell the roses. Sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee and die.
Christopher Titus
#48. Abortion is an atrocity. Those who practice or praise it are either damn idiots, misguided fools, or treacherous devils.
Christopher Titus
#49. Osama Bin Laden is dead? Oh my God, that was so easy! And it only took two trillion dollars, two wars and too many good men.
Christopher Titus
#50. Growing up, road trips with Dad were something I hated. Sitting still for hours, singing that stupid song, 100 bottles of beer on the wall. 100 bottles of beer ... Dad, you know, keeping up with the song.
Christopher Titus
#51. Terrorists, oh I'm sorry, Fox News tells us it's all illegal immagration's fault but it's not their fault, it's ours.
Christopher Titus
#52. The towers fell, and the first thing that went through my head was my dad's voice: 'Well, you brought a new life into the world, and the world's over. Nice timing, numbnuts!
Christopher Titus
#53. A lie is a lie ... unless your friends and family are in on it. Then it's a commonly held belief.
Christopher Titus
#54. My mum is in a mental hospital. There's a fine line between genius and insanity. Winston Churchill, Mozart, John Lennon. These people all had a touch of crazy that fuelled their brilliance. They were not locked up for it like my mum. Pft. Then again, Winston Churchill never tried to kill my dad.
Christopher Titus
#56. At the end of the Peterson trial, my daughter turns to me and she goes, 'Daddy, are you going to kill Mommy?' 'Oh, honey - that's up to mommy, isn't it?
Christopher Titus
#57. In a normal family, surprise means presents, cake and a party. My family, surprise means homelessness, abandonment and destruction of private property. Sometimes we have cake. We're not losers.
Christopher Titus
#58. Whenever you're pissed off, just remember that it's better than being pissed on.
Christopher Titus
#59. The most powerful person in your life is the one that knows all your secrets and all your lies.
Christopher Titus
#60. Ladies, if you're at the mall and you think your man is looking at other girls just remember: If your man is at the mall with you ... he ... loves you.
Christopher Titus
#62. A black widow loves her mate then kills him. A praying mantis loves her mate then eats him. Women love my dad, but he's too big to eat.
Christopher Titus
#63. The day I'm in England performing, English security let a man in a Batman suit climb Buckingham Palace. I felt so much safer ... Batman was on the wall of Buckingham Palace for five hours. Wouldn't happen in America - three minutes: dead Batman.
Christopher Titus
#65. They had a big court battle over who got to keep me. Mom won; she made me live with Dad.
Christopher Titus
#66. Hey! D'you guys hear Dr. Atkins died? Slipped on some ice, hit his head, died on life support. The man who invented the all-meat diet ... died a vegetable. That's a damn good joke. But that joke's like a Toyota Camry - reliable, not inspiring.
Christopher Titus
#67. Many massacres have happened when people yell surprise! Pearl Harbor. The Tet Offensive. My uncle's 50th birthday party. I was there, man! How many more people gotta die?
Christopher Titus
#68. If you ask my dad for help ... he'll help. Like a vulture helps an over-run armadillo on a Texas highway. One peck at the time.
Christopher Titus
#69. Japan is the perfect example of make plans, and watch God laugh.
Christopher Titus
#70. For me, the greatest hurdle to success has always been failure.
Christopher Titus
#71. Satan called - he's changed the sheets, fluffed the pillows and laid out the complimentary chocolate. Hell is ready for John Edwards.
Christopher Titus
#72. To be successful in life, there are many hurdles you have to get over. For me, the biggest hurdle to success has always been failure. But, growing up, my Dad was always positive ... that I'd never amount to anything.
Christopher Titus
#73. Life, is easy. And if yours isn't, quit whining. Oh, wait. unless you're just a head amd then, you do have it pretty rough. I don't know how you roll out of bed every morning.
Christopher Titus
#74. The yearbook voted me most likely to be scraped off an onramp by a puking fireman.
Christopher Titus
#75. Sometimes, to help the people you love, you've gotta commit a felony.
Christopher Titus
#76. I don't believe in right or left; I don't believe in Santa or Satan. I believe in things I can touch - like vodka and Oreos.
Christopher Titus
#77. Osama's dead. Why is the terror alert elevated or imminent? Why not chill? Can't I just fly, keep my shoes on and avoid X-ray-fueled testicular cancer?
Christopher Titus
#78. My dad don't like lies. He says it hurts people in the long race. He prefers the truth. That hurts them instantly.
Christopher Titus
#79. My dad's all I've ever had. When I was 3 and 4, my mom used to take me to bars. I understand why now - babysitters cost beer, beer and-a-half an hour.
Christopher Titus
#80. And me having kids, with my family history? My mom: mentally ill, shot and killed her last husband. My father: six ex-wives, four heart attacks. Both of my parents think alcohol is a food group.
Christopher Titus
#81. No problem is so big and difficult that it can't be blamed on somebody else.
Christopher Titus
#83. And people get so weird about mental illness, you follow the rules! You don't up a heart patient on a roller coaster, you don't put a mental patient on a hunting trip with you!
Christopher Titus
#84. There's a picture of Christopher and the real Ken Titus and myself in my dressing room. He's a great guy, by the way. I just think the real Ken is just super. And he's so happy for his son's success.
Stacy Keach
#85. When you're born, you're pure. Unspoiled and trusting. Some say, it's the only time we're perfect. You're also born covered in blood and placenta. No one gets nostalgic about that.
Christopher Titus
#86. Thomas Jefferson said, The tree of liberty must be fertilized from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants. Yeah and I heard that and thought, I'm out!
Christopher Titus
#87. It should be a law. Everybody should legally own a gun. In fact, if you're caught outside your house without your gun, you get a ticket. And you get shot in the leg. Just to prove my point.
Christopher Titus
#88. In 1998, in Laramie, Wyoming, two guys beat up Matthew Shepard and left him on the side of the road hanging on the fence to die. They killed him, because Matthew Shepard was gay. They killed him, because Matthew Shepard was gay? They killed him.
Christopher Titus
#90. I have been accused of sleeping with people, I hadn't met yet.
Christopher Titus
#91. Love. It's God's greatest gift. He fills our world with it and makes sure we grow up with caring, supportive parents. I'm just kidding. Pain is God's greatest gift. Pain is God's way of saying, Hurts, don't it ? Well, go ahead. Say, me dammit again.
Christopher Titus
#92. We kinda hated sitcoms when we sat down and talked about this. We wanted to do something that was in the sitcom vain but totally different.
Christopher Titus
#93. My dad invented road rage. He wasn't the first guy to get mad in the car, but he was first guy to get mad enough to make the paper.
Christopher Titus
#94. Vengeance, is good. You give it, you get it. It's all part of what makes us human. So thank god for vengeance. Otherwise, the human race might as well just roll over and let another species for a while. I think it will be the cats. Watch 'em. They're cooking up something.
Christopher Titus
#95. The United States ranks 14th in the world in education. Even if we subtract Sarah Palin's test scores, it only bumps us to third. Damn you, Finland!
Christopher Titus
#96. The government favors the most diplomatic language. That's why any letter to them should always start with, "Dear turkeys and foul maggots ... "
Christopher Titus
#97. And my daughter's too smart. She gets it watching TV. She gets it. She's five. She gets it. I ... I have a smart kid; I don't want a smart kid. I'm gonna start feedin' her lead paint chips just to bring her down.
Christopher Titus
#98. I'm the sort of loser who succeeds really well and then drops a turd in the punch bowl.
Christopher Titus
#99. After President Obama, President Rodriguez ... What's the worse that can happen? The border problem gets solved and the White House lawn looks better?
Christopher Titus
#100. Sometimes failure makes your future because you set the past on fire.
Christopher Titus
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