Christmas Wife Sayings

#1. I understand we'll be attending your friend Miss Worthington's Christmas ball. Perhaps I'll find a suitable
which is to say wealthy
wife among the ladies attending.
And perhaps they will run screaming for the convent.

Libba Bray

#2. The building is a tumbling house of cards behind me. The bus bitches are paper cutouts.

Jolene Stockman

#3. My wife can't figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who's had everything up to here?

Milton Berle

#4. This man's wife told him, "For Christmas, surprise me." On Christmas Eve he leaned over where she was sleeping and said, "Boo!"

Milton Berle

#5. My wife and I were shopping for the whole family. In the music department my wife said, "Let's get your nephew a set of drums. That's what your brother did to us last year."

Milton Berle

#6. A survey released today found that men spend twice as much on their mistresses for Christmas as they do on their wives. On the other hand, men spend half their income on the wives when the wife finds out about the mistress. So it all balances out.

Jay Leno

#7. The science of psychology has been far more successful on the negative than on the positive side ... It has revealed to us much about man's shortcomings, his illnesses, his sins, but little about his potentialities, his virtues, his achievable aspirations, or his psychological health.

Abraham Maslow

#8. And he had a nice home in Ohio with wife, daughter, Christmas tree, two cars, garage, lawn, lawnmower, but he couldn't enjoy any of it because he really wasn't free. It was sadly true.

Jack Kerouac

#9. It's confusing. I've had so many wives and so many children I don't know which house to go to first on Christmas.

Mickey Rooney

#10. My wife's brother has a little house on a small island in the Baltic Sea, and we go there at Christmas. The 30-minute crossing from the mainland to this island is the most terrifying cruise you'll ever take. They give you a barf bag when you walk on board.

Nick Frost

#11. The most interesting legal philosophy is German, so naturally I went to Germany, particularly to Berlin, quite a bit.

Philip Kerr

#12. I had a terrible fight with my wife on New Year's Eve. She called me a procrastinator. So I finished addressing the Christmas cards and left.

Robert Orben

#13. Christmas had done its usual merry work of setting husband against wife, relative against relative, and spreading bad will among men in general. People looked overfed and hung over and desperately worried about how much they had already spent.

M.C. Beaton

#14. I do love Christmas, although my wife puts me to shame. She is a huge Christmas fan, so we do love us some Christmas in our house.

Sebastian Arcelus

#15. Twenty years ago, two of the CIA's best double-agents had been murdered in their own home on Christmas Eve. The husband had been killed first, and the wife had been raped repeatedly before she'd been beaten to death. The two children were never found.

Katie Reus

#16. How to lie without lying? Avoid answering the question.

Chloe Neill

#17. I don't like most Christmas movies. They're pretty bad, though they seem to make tons of money anyway. Like this movie 'Elf,' I got the script for that, and I turned it down right away. Against my wife's better judgment.

Terry Zwigoff

#18. One of those Christmas songs says, "You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout." How's my wife going to get along?

Milton Berle

#19. If a man moves to the forest, and his wife isn't there to share his spaghetti-os, are they still married?

Roxanne Snopek

#20. I've always loved the music ... My favorite kind of music is Christmas music and the only thing I love better music is my wife and daughters. So, hanging out with my wife and daughters and cuddling them will be pretty cool.

Keith Getty

#21. I bought a Christmas tree for twenty dollars. When I came home the next day, my wife was wearing it in her hair.

Milton Berle

#22. To be more precise about it, it is neither close nor open-mindedness but wisdom, discernment, and a pure heart that God wants.

Criss Jami

#23. On my days off I pick up our chicken's eggs. My wife and I have five chickens called The Spice Girls. Five lovely chicks. And no, we won't be eating any of them for Christmas dinner.

John Nettles

#24. Two people unable to cry finally cry together and in the world ended today, we would be fulfilled.

J.A. Redmerski

#25. Wisdom of the Ages: "Boxing Day" In the UK, the day after Christmas is named after the first activity that takes place between husband and wife after the Christmas receipts are added up.

Matthew D. Heines

#26. I gave my wife a gift certificate for Christmas. She ran out to exchange it for a bigger size.

Milton Berle

#27. My wife wants something foreign for Christmas - like a Mexican divorce.

Milton Berle

#28. I don't know if I've ever written anything that's not a bill! I do write stories but I don't put a stamp on them. I wrote a story for my wife over Christmas and gave it to her as a present because she asked me to, but I don't put a stamp on things and send them to people.

Channing Tatum

#29. ...dragon whips his tail!

Tyrus Anthony Wong

#30. My wife, like many women, actually LIKES wrapping things. If she gives you a gift that requires batteries, she wraps the batteries separately, which to me is very close to being a symptom of mental illness.

Dave Barry

#31. I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn't give her a fancy gift. And I didn't.

Milton Berle

#32. I'm Jewish and my wife isn't so right now we're literally decorating a Christmas tree with Jewish stars draped around it.

Max Greenfield

#33. There is no space without aether, and no aether which does not occupy space.

Arthur Eddington

#34. I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat.

Milton Berle