Top 100 Chris Rock Quotes
#1. The key to staying together is making sure you guys like each other and need each other.
Chris Rock
#2. People are always going to, you know, find something wrong with people who are not the exact same as them. That's just what it is. Black, white, short, tall, religions, whatever. People are bad.
Chris Rock
#3. If you're the president you only have two jobs: peace and money.
Chris Rock
#4. Oprah is so rich, I saw John Kerry proposing to her.
Chris Rock
#5. Women can have all the evidence but they still want the confession.
Chris Rock
#6. You don't pay taxes-they take taxes.
Chris Rock
#7. It's easier to get on show business, the hard part is to maintain. Nobody stays famous forever.
Chris Rock
#8. "Go and Say Goodbye" by the Buffalo Springfield stands as one of the first examples of what would later be branded country rock
Chris Hillman
#9. I used to hang out with grandfather all the time because he used to pick me up from school sometimes, or drive me to my mother's, so I'd be with my grandfather a lot. I used to watch him write his sermons.
Chris Rock
#10. No matter what happens or how difficult things become, you will eventually feel better.
Chris Rock
#11. I never really write the jokes. I just sit down over a week or two and try to figure out what I want to talk about. Once I narrow that down, then I start working on the material, like "How do I make this stuff funny?"
Chris Rock
#12. When you make comedy, you make it for the people and you try to have as many screenings and as many tests and you do focus groups and you read the cards and you try to give the people what they want in this comedy.
Chris Rock
#13. When you're white, the sky's the limit. When you're black, the limit's the sky.
Chris Rock
#14. If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near forty.
Chris Rock
#15. Movies have takes. But plays are like life - you don't really get takes.
Chris Rock
#16. Give me a black man, a white woman, a giraffe, a zebra anything but another white man! That last one f***ed up my roof!
Chris Rock
#17. There's no interference in stand-up. It's all the things it's hard to get in film: I get to have a wife, I get to have kids. I get to be sexual. I get to grow. I get to be a man.
Chris Rock
#19. You could be married and bored or single and lonely. Ain't no happiness nowhere.
Chris Rock
#20. One of my daughters told me the other day, "Kevin Hart is funnier than you, Daddy." I told her, "Does Kevin Hart make you pancakes?"
Chris Rock
#21. Kids always act up the most before they go to sleep.
Chris Rock
#22. I'm in show business ... I want to hang out with Janet Jackson, not Jesse Jackson.
Chris Rock
#23. Things that make me laugh range from a wonderful stand-up like Jerry Seinfeld, Louis C.K. and Chris Rock to my son Gabe, who does great improv work. I also look backwards to the great comedic actors like Jackie Gleason, Paul Lynde and Phil Silvers.
Jason Alexander
#24. Whatever your pleasure, I can facilitate. You need weed, you need meth- hey, you need Prozac, I'm your man. I know how you white boys always deal with that depression. I mean me personally, I don't understand what you white boys are all depressed about. Hey, you're white! Smile!
Chris Rock
#25. I do what I can do when I can do it.
Chris Rock
#26. Black people dominate sports in the United States. 20% of the population and 90% of the final four.
Chris Rock
#27. Gay people got a right to be as miserable as everyone else.
Chris Rock
#28. If I find a comedy club where no one's camera works, I'll go.
Chris Rock
#29. I pray there's a God ... I know there's an Oprah.
Chris Rock
#30. The thing about Barack Obama, just from being around him, is he's cooler than the other politicians, but just nerdy enough to do the job. Like you can't be really cool and be the president.
Chris Rock
#31. Climbing is a full-body sport from your fingers to your toes, but at the same time, it's like a dance on the rock. It's about being strong and fit but also graceful and elegant and efficient on the rock.
Chris Sharma
#32. I'm like the Hulk on stage. It's way over the top. That's Bizarro Chris. Sometimes I get off stage and go What did I say?! I'll watch one of my stand-up specials a year later and go Eww, that was mean.
Chris Rock
#33. Actually, I think all addiction starts with soda. Every junkie did soda first. But no one counts that. Maybe they should. The soda connection is clear. Why isn't a presidential commission looking into this? Or at least some guys from the National Carbonation Council.
Chris Rock
#34. Stop the violence! Can't we all just get along?
Chris Rock
#35. If you properly clean a room, it gets dirtier before it gets cleaner.
Chris Rock
#36. Kennedy didn't beat Nixon. Satire beat Nixon.
Chris Rock
#37. The most offensive thing that ever occurred in 'The New Yorker' would be, like, the mildest thing at a Chris Rock concert.
Robert Mankoff
#38. So if you're black or brown, you can make money in America, you can get rich in America ... but whatever you decide to do, it better be positive, 'cause if one person is harmed, you will be destroyed. You see Oprah, she just be giving away money. She's doing that to keep the Feds off her back.
Chris Rock
#39. I pride myself on being the guy who can do Def Comedy Jam and Charlie Rose. And do well on both.
Chris Rock
#40. Is Chris Rock still gonna host the Oscars after this blatant racism?? Is everyone still gonna show up??
Tyrese Gibson
#41. In true rock star fashiuon, I had insomina last night and I didn't sleep at all. So all I need is a bottle of Jack Daniels and some groupies, and I'll be just like David Lee Roth.
Chris Jericho
#42. We were so poor my daddy unplugged the clocks when we went to bed.
Chris Rock
#43. Eddie Murphy is to comedians what Nicki Minaj is to Spanx.
Chris Rock
#44. You only know that you're smart because you're around dumb people from time to time!
Chris Rock
#45. I like talking about subjects that aren't funny in the first place and making them funny. So anything down and depressing is something I'll talk about.
Chris Rock
#47. I'm a big fan of Katt Williams, Jim Gaffigan, Louie CK, Margaret Cho, Kathy Griffin, Rich Vas, Joey Vega and Matt Claybrooks.
Chris Rock
#48. I always say there's no more little girls, just boys with breasts. Girls act like boys nowadays. Teenage girls, they go after boys. They're predatory just like boys. My goal is to keep my girls, girls.
Chris Rock
#49. You know what GED stands for? Good Enough Diploma.
Chris Rock
#50. I wouldn't call myself a standup in the presence of Jerry Seinfeld or Chris Rock, but I do my share of it and it has been and remains part of my activity and I like it.
Alan Thicke
#51. You know the world is messed up when the tallest man in the NBA is Chinese, the best golfer is black, and the best rapper is white.
Chris Rock
#52. Music is the soundtrack to the crappy movie that is my life.
Chris Rock
#53. I've seen women who don't have great relationships with their dads, and it all comes down to this: You have to tell girls you love them every day.
Chris Rock
#54. A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture.
Chris Rock
#55. I don't think you can be a mysterious rock star the same way you could in 1965 because there's too much information. Everything you do is available all the time. So the only thing you can rely on is not being false.
Chris Martin
#56. My goal in life was to host the MTV Awards, because it's the awards show that Prince sang on, and that was the awards show that Eddie Murphy hosted and Arsenio hosted.
Chris Rock
#57. Smart is knowing if you're dumb. Knowing when to shut up and to listen to people that are smarter than you.
Chris Rock
#58. I have my own demons and dark moods. It's weird.
Chris Rock
#59. I'd like to be in a Spike Jonze movie. But I live in a Nancy Meyers movie.
Chris Rock
#60. I always say about my daughters, they save me from my miserable self. They take me out, you know, a comedian, you could live in your head a lot. And you're writing and you're doubting. But when I'm with my kids and my family, it's all about them.
Chris Rock
#61. My relationship with my daughter is gonna affect her relationship with men for the rest of her life ... Sometimes I'm walking with my daughter. I'm pushing her in the stroller, and sometimes I just pick her up and stare at her, and I realize, my only job in life is to keep her off the pole.
Chris Rock
#62. Stand-up comedy is like the lowest medium in all of show business in levels of respect.
Chris Rock
#63. He said I'm gonna buy a gun and start a war, if you can tell me something worth fighting for. Oh and I'm gonna buy this place, that's what I said.
Blame it upon a rush of blood to the head
Chris Martin
#64. I took my AlDS test. You start reflecting ... You start thinking about every nasty, skank-ass ... It's like the movie Scrooge, and the Ghost of Pussy Past comes.
Chris Rock
#65. Whatever your woman is into, you better be into. Whatever your man is into, you better be N2. Your partner into church, you better be into church. Your man or woman a crack head, you better be a crack head ... Otherwise it just won't work.
Chris Rock
#66. Stand-up is the only career like that where once you get really big at it, people kind of encourage you not to do it.
Chris Rock
#67. I hate niggas! I hate em! I wish they'd let me join the Ku Klux Klan!
Chris Rock
#68. I never had the confidence to say I was going to be in front of the camera as a comedian until I saw Eddie Murphy years later.
Chris Rock
#69. I try to stay with it and I try to stay in contact with comedians and just keep comedians in my life 'cause comedians are their own species. If you get away from them, especially as a comedian, I think it's dangerous.
Chris Rock
#70. When I do stand-up, I'm basically doing a one-man show.
Chris Rock
#71. America is the greatest country in the whole world.
Chris Rock
#72. White man makes guns? No problem. Black rapper says "gun"? Congressional hearing.
Chris Rock
#73. CS: I always say there's a tribal element in a rock concert. There's a real back-and-forth thing that goes on between the audience and the performers.
Chris Stein
#74. I want my name to be a brand in comedy. I hope my name stands for comedic excellence.
Chris Rock
#75. When you die at 72, no matter what you die of, it's natural causes. Even if you get hit by a truck, it's natural causes. 'Cause if you was younger, you'd have got out the way!
Chris Rock
#76. It's not until you become seriously ill and you nearly die and you're at home for 6 months, that you suddenly stop to realize that this isn't the way I intended it to be in the beginning. Everything that you've done falls away and start wondering why you went through all that rock business stuff.
Chris Rea
#77. I like 'The Usual Suspects'. Great film. I also like 'Scarface', films like that. Lots of gangster films. I really like watching all kinds of films, dramas, romance. I'll watch comedies. I like Al Pacino, Robert De Niro, Denzel Washington, Chris Rock, Dave Chappelle. I'd like to meet them.
Barkhad Abdi
#78. You know, you get famous and you work in these weird jobs and you don't have a lot in common with people. But once you have kids, you have everything in common with everybody.
Chris Rock
#79. Men are as faithful as their options.
Chris Rock
#80. If Bill Gates woke up with Oprah's money he'd jump out the window.
Chris Rock
#81. The Academy Awards ceremony is designed to be without irony, but Chris Rock supplied it anyway with filmed movie-theater interviews with black men and women who had never heard of the movies nominated for Best Picture.
Suzanne Fields
#82. ALL THOSE GOOD COPS
YALL LOVE BRINGING UP WHEN YOU SAY
NOT ALL COPS ARE BAD
SEEM TO NEVER BE AROUND WHEN THEIR COMRADES ARE KILLING INNOCENT PEOPLE
Chris Rock
#83. I like Louis C.K., Chris Rock. Old schools like Richard Pryor and Eddie Murphy.
Adam DeVine
#84. I can see the humor in just about any situation. After I lost my dad, I realized that none of us should take things too seriously, because everything except death works itself out.
Chris Rock
#86. Shaq is rich. The white man who signs his check ... is wealthy. "Ah, here you go, Shaq. Go buy yourself a bouncing car. Bling, bling!"
Chris Rock
#87. We got so much food in America we're allergic to food. Allergic to food! Hungry people ain't allergic to shit. You think anyone in Rwanda's got a fucking lactose intolerance?!
Chris Rock
#88. There's not one reference in that thing that doesn't play. People deal with emotions in music all the time, but comedians are always talking about what they see. But we seldom talk about what we feel.
Chris Rock
#89. If you see a black woman with an overweight white man, you know she got effed up credit!
Chris Rock
#90. The advantage that my children have is that my children are encountering the nicest white people that America has ever produced. Let's hope America keeps producing nicer white people.
Chris Rock
#91. If you're a black Christian, you have a real short memory.
Chris Rock
#92. That's a sure sign someone is going crazy - when he refers to himself in the third person, talks in low tones, and walks around wearing shades all day!
Chris Rock
#93. Daddy pays for the water, daddy pays for the gas, daddy pays for the electricity, and if daddy didn't pay for the electricity, he'd pay for the candle on your nightstand, so you can study for the big test tomorrow.
Chris Rock
#94. You won't be able to take your eyes off the next four presenters: Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz.
Chris Rock
#95. I kind of got into music in middle school, although at the time I didn't know it as punk music so much as just rock music.
Chris McCaughan
#96. An entertainer's reputation as a live act is the most valuable thing he or she can have. If people know you give good shows, you'll never be broke for the rest of your life.
Chris Rock
#97. The material comes from whenever you realize that you and someone else have something in common. So any conversation you've had more than once, anything you see happening to you that you see happening to a friend, you go, Hmmm, that's a situation I can make funny.
Chris Rock
#98. Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
Chris Rock
#100. Black people have been qualified to be president for hundreds of years. George Washington Carver could have been president. I could go on with a list of black men that were qualified to be the president of the United States. So the Obama victory is progress for white people.
Chris Rock
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