The Arbinger Institute Quotes

#1. the way we can know if we've betrayed ourselves is by whether we are still desiring to be helpful.

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#2. The bigger problem was that I couldn't see that I had a problem.

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#3. Bruises heal more quickly than emotional scars do.

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#4. If we have deep problems, it's because we are failing at the deepest part of the solution. And when we fail at this deepest level, we invite our own failure.

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#5. Am I as vigilant in demanding the eradication of my own bigotry as I am in demanding the eradication of theirs?

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#6. Because most who are trying to put an end to injustice only think of the injustices they believe they themselves have suffered. Which means that they are concerned not really with injustice but with themselves. They hide their focus on themselves behind the righteousness of their outward cause.

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#7. Seeing an equal person as an inferior object is an act of violence

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#8. But none of that is possible," he continued, "if my heart is at war. A heart at war needs enemies to justify its warring. It needs enemies and mistreatment more than it wants peace.

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#9. As painful as it is to receive contempt from another, it is more debilitating by far to be filled with contempt for another.

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#10. People whose hearts are at war toward others can't consider others' objections and challenges enough to be able to find a way through them.

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#11. Most problems in life are not solved merely by correction.

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#12. Because if you are the mess, you can clean it. Improvement doesn't depend on others.

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#13. In every moment...we choose to see others either as people like ourselves or as objects. They either count like we do or they don't.

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#14. If you see people of a particular race or culture as objects, your view of them is racist, whatever your color or lack of color or you power or lack of power.

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#15. Whenever we are in the box, we have a need that is met by others' poor behavior. And so our boxes encourage more poor behavior in others, even if that behavior makes our lives more difficult.

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#16. A solution to the inner war solves the outer war as well.

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#17. When you begin to see others as people,' Ben told me, 'issues related to race, ethnicity, religion, and so on begin to look and feel different. You end up seeing people who have hopes, dreams, fears, and even justifications that resemble your own.

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#18. But like many who are lonely, I was more preoccupied with others than were those who lived to socialize...Everyone I hated was always with me, even when I was alone. They had to be, for I had to remember what and why I hated in order to remind myself to stay away from them.

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#19. Have you ever been in a conflict with someone who thought he was wrong. If you are not wrong, then you will be willing to consider how you might be mistaken.

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#20. There is a question I have learned to ask myself when I am feeling bothered about others: am I holding myself to the same standard I am demanding of them?

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#21. ...whenever i dehumanize another, I necessarily dehumanize all that is human---including myself.

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#22. My disability was my justification! It was my excuse for failing to engage with the world.

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#23. ...when I betray myself, others' faults become immediately inflated in my heart and mind. I begin to 'horribilize' others. That is, I begin to make them out to be worse than they really are. And I do this because the worse they are, the more justified I feel.

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#24. If we are poor learners, our teaching will be ineffective.

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#25. Most wars between individuals are of the 'cold' rather than the 'hot' variety---lingering resentment, for example, grudges long held, resources clutched rather than shared, help not offered. These are the acts of war that most threaten our homes and workplaces.

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#26. ...no conflict can be solved so long as all parties are convinced they are right. Solution is possible only when at least one party begins to consider how he might be wrong.

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#27. That I am responsible for how I have been feeling, not only for what I have been doing.

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#28. always remember that it is progress, not perfection, you should be looking for.

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