Red Skelton Quotes

#1. I personally believe we were put here to build and not to destroy.

Red Skelton

#2. I don't pick on politicians. They ain't done nothin'.

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#3. Recipe for a happy marriage: My wife and I always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

Red Skelton

#4. Live by this credo: have a little laugh at life and look around you for happiness instead of sadness. Laughter has always brought me out of unhappy situations.

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#5. Mom used to say I didn't run away from home my destiny just caught up with me at an early age.

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#6. I don't need glasses, but I've just reached the age where curiosity is greater than vanity.

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#7. A fellow told me he was going to hang-glider school. He said, 'I've been going for three months. ' I said, 'How many successful jumps do you need to make before you graduate?' He said, 'All of them. '

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#8. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always

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#9. Congress: Bingo with billions.

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#10. If by chance some day you're not feeling well and you should remember some silly thing I've said or done and it brings back a smile to your face or a chuckle to your heart, then my purpose as your clown has been fulfilled.

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#11. I won't mind dying if I can tell St. Peter a joke he hasn't heard.

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#12. My doctor said I look like a million dollars - green and wrinkled.

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#13. All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.

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#14. I've put on a lot of weight ... I only weighed six and a half pounds when I was born.

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#15. I get plenty of exercise carrying the coffins of my friends who exercise.

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#16. You know how to tell when you're getting old? When your broad mind changes places with your narrow waist.

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#17. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off

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#18. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce

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#19. I was a sober as the next guy. The only problem is the next guy was Dean Martin

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#20. Our principles are the springs of our actions. Our actions, the springs of our happiness or misery. Too much care, therefore, cannot be taken in forming our principles.

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#21. You know, last night it was so cold that my pillow and my sheets fought to see who got under the blankets first.

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#22. I only come to life when there are people watching.

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#23. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas

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#24. God's children and their happiness are my reasons for being.

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#25. Heard about the young deaf boy who used sign language-One day he told his mother a dirty joke and she washed his hands out with soap

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#26. No matter what your heartache may be, laughing helps you forget it for a few seconds.

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#27. I personally believe that each of us was put here for a purpose
to build not to destroy. If I can make people smile, then I have served my purpose for God.

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#28. Imitation isn't the sincerest form of flattery - it's plagiarism.

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#29. Television: The device that brings into your living room characters you would never allow in your living room.

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#30. I consider the television set as the American fireplace, around which the whole family will gather.

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#31. People think I am dead because they haven't seen me around for awhile. I'm not dead, I'm very much alive, as you can see. Although, there are two things I do before I get up every morning. I look around and if I don't smell flowers or see candles flickering I go ahead and get up.

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#32. I don't hate my enemies. After all, I made 'em.

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#33. Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime.

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#34. I'm nuts and I know it. But so long as I make 'em laugh, they ain't going to lock me up.

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#35. I have a sixth sense, but not the other five. If I wasn't making money, they'd put me away.

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#36. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

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#37. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

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#38. Today's comics use four-letter words as a shortcut to thinking. They're shooting for that big laugh and it becomes a panic thing, using four-letter words to shock people.

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#39. Wouldn't it be a pity if someone said that is a prayer and that would be eliminated from schools, too?

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#40. Exercise? I get it on the golf course. When I see my friends collapse, I run for the paramedics.

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#41. It proves what they say, give the public what they want to see and they'll come out for it.

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#42. Old age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

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#43. His death was the first time that Ed Wynn ever made anyone sad.

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#44. I left home because I was hungry.

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#45. I know my limit. I just keep passing out before I reach it.

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#46. There are three signs of old age: loss of memory ... I forget the other two.

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