Jeff Strand Quotes

#1. I will never stop being pissed. He has now created a 'lifetime of seeking vengeance' scenario.

Jeff Strand

#2. Tipsy isn't a miracle wonder cat. That was always the deal: you'd get your cat back, but he'd be sort of creepy. We discussed this.

Jeff Strand

#3. Hansel and Gretel had breadcrumbs, she had plastic spiders. Worst-case scenario, she could find her way back by following the trail of dead birds that had choked on them.

Jeff Strand

#4. How about we meet tomorrow at Von's Gym, 6 A.M.?" I'd heard rumors that such an hour of the morning existed, but thus far it had been unconfirmed.

Jeff Strand

#5. What was he supposed to do besides break the living room window? Stand outside whacking off while she grabbed a cell phone and called for help?

Jeff Strand

#6. Let's start by checking your pulse," said Dr. Arnzin, wrapping the cuff of the blood pressure monitor around Stanley's arm and inflating it. He glanced at the readout and nodded. "No pulse. Good.

Jeff Strand

#7. Is someone in my tree?" I fought panic, and through Herculean effort managed to keep my pants dry. "No," I answered. She wasn't fooled.

Jeff Strand

#8. I realized I was ignoring my girlfriend. I couldn't remember, was it two in the pink and one in the stink? Three in the pink and two in the stink? How many went in the stink?" ~ Jeff strand

Jeff Strand

#9. I won't say the pain was indescribable, since there are plenty of good descriptive words: excruciating, agonizing, unbearable, and so on.

Jeff Strand

#10. I fell asleep right away. It was a deep sleep, the kind I used to enjoy in study hall.

Jeff Strand

#11. He didn't seem like somebody you'd want to invite to a party unless you'd already given up on it.

Jeff Strand

#12. I'm not good with speeding," said Shirley, sounding more than a little anxious. "The speed limits are there for a reason. Cars aren't meant to go fast.

Jeff Strand

#13. I cursed. (S-word, f-word, s-word, d-word, s-word times three, f-word, and a z-word I made up on the spot.)
I kicked a brick wall.
I said the z-word again in response to the pain that came from kicking a brick wall.

Jeff Strand

#14. When I was little, my dad used to say, "Son, guilt doesn't make a very fluffy pillow.

Jeff Strand

#15. But being hit in the face with monkey poo is something that, deep inside, we all believe happens only to other people.

Jeff Strand

#16. Culinary incompetence could explain the first six or seven meals, but more than that had to be culinary malice.

Jeff Strand

#17. They both had sub-machine guns. Yes, actual sub-machine guns. I couldn't believe it.

Jeff Strand

#18. There's a less than one percent chance of a vasectomy failing, but it does happen. And you know there were complications . . ." "Please don't talk about the complications.

Jeff Strand

#19. Further interrogation revealed that the Pires were a gang of Goths who only came out at night and liked to wear fake fangs and drink each other's blood. I could relate; there wasn't much good on TV anymore, and kids can get bored in the 'burbs.

Jeff Strand