Top 61 Art Buchwald Quotes
#1. New York was the glamorous town that you only see now in old movies and on Broadway stages. The sky was lit up with dancing neon signs. It was safe to walk out in the streets.
Art Buchwald
#2. Television has a real problem. They have no page two.
Art Buchwald
#3. Dinner is not what you do in the evening before something else. Dinner is the evening.
Art Buchwald
#4. People are broad-minded. They'll accept the fact that a person can be an alcoholic, a dope fiend, a wife beater, and even a newspaperman, but if a man does not drive, there is something wrong with him.
Art Buchwald
#5. Every once in a while your world stands still ... There are certain friendships that are so important they leave a mark on you long after the person is gone.
Art Buchwald
#6. I like champagne because it always tastes as though my foot's asleep.
Art Buchwald
#7. This is what makes me happy: Remembering where I put my house keys ...
Art Buchwald
#8. I can now say without hesitation the Marine Corps was the best foster home I ever had.
Art Buchwald
#9. No one ever mentioned it, but thousands of men welcomed World War II as a way to escape their humdrum lives rather than a chance to fight for God and country.
Art Buchwald
#10. I don't know what's coming next and neither does anyone else. It's something that we do have to face but the thing is that a lot of people don't want to face it. And there's denial. If somebody says it, like me, everybody feels a little better that they can discuss it.
Art Buchwald
#11. This is a wonderful way to celebrate an 80th birthday ... I wanted to be 65 again, but they wouldn't let me - Homeland Security.
Art Buchwald
#12. Ascot is so exclusive that it is the only racecourse in the world where the horses own the people.
Art Buchwald
#13. Sharing our depressions felt like having survived a war. The experience bonds you to the other person for life.
Art Buchwald
#14. It was a dangerous profession I had chosen ... because no one likes a funny kid. In fact, adults are scared silly of them and tend to warn children who act out that they are going to wind up in prison or worse. It is only when you grow up that they pay you vast sums of money to make them laugh.
Art Buchwald
#15. So far things are going my way. I am known in the hospice as The Man Who Wouldn't Die. I don't know if this is true or not, but I think some people, not many, are starting to wonder why I'm still around.
Art Buchwald
#16. I became a hero to everyone because I didn't take dialysis and was still alive.
Art Buchwald
#17. I have no idea where I'm going but here's the real question: What am I doing here in the first place?
Art Buchwald
#18. I learned quickly that when I made others laugh, they liked me.
Art Buchwald
#19. The most important thing about writing a book is having book parties.
Art Buchwald
#20. Every time you think television has hit its lowest ebb, a new program comes along to make you wonder where you thought the ebb was.
Art Buchwald
#21. Whether it's the best of times or the worst of times, it's the only time we've got.
Art Buchwald
#22. I don't know whether this is the best of times or the worst of times, but I assure you it's the only time you've got. You can either sit on your expletive deleted or pick a daisy.
Art Buchwald
#23. I'm working when I'm fighting with my wife. I constantly ask myself-how can I use this stuff to literary advantage.
Art Buchwald
#24. Any company executive who overcharges the government more than $5 million will be fined $50 or have to go to traffic school three nights a week
Art Buchwald
#25. I know it's very egocentric to believe that someone is put on Earth for a reason. In my case, I like to think I was.
Art Buchwald
#26. An economist is a man who knows a hundred ways of making love but doesn't know any women.
Art Buchwald
#27. Have you ever seen a candidate talking to a rich person on television?
Art Buchwald
#28. I could have said something profound, but you would have forgotten it in 15 minutes - which is the afterlife of a graduation speech.
Art Buchwald
#29. Don't commit suicide, because you might change your mind two weeks later.
Art Buchwald
#30. On the whole I woke up in the morning and was happy to be alive.
Art Buchwald
#31. I didn't go on dialysis because I was 81 years old and I'd done everything I wanted, or so I thought.
Art Buchwald
#32. I always wanted to get into politics, but I was never light enough to make the team.
Art Buchwald
#34. War for most men is not fighting or marching in parades. It is sitting around somewhere wondering what the hell you are supposed to be doing.
Art Buchwald
#35. Whether it is the best of times or the worst of times, it is the only time we have.
Art Buchwald
#36. This is what makes me happy: ... Any music-free restaurant ... A grandson who offers to clean the snow off my driveway and also fix my computer ... An evening in bed with a good book ... A good night's sleep ... As you can see, it doesn't take much to make me happy.
Art Buchwald
#37. You can't make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you're doing is recording it.
Art Buchwald
#38. This is not an easy time for humorists because the government is far funnier than we are.
Art Buchwald
#39. As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse.
Art Buchwald
#40. Writing humor in my column isn't as dangerous as performing it. If I fail in front of a live audience, the humiliation is as great as anything a human being can suffer.
Art Buchwald
#41. People ask what I am really trying to do with humor. The answer is, I'm getting even
Art Buchwald
#42. When it came to writing about wine, I did what almost everybody does - faked it
Art Buchwald
#43. There isn't a child who hasn't gone out into the brave new world who eventually doesn't return to the old homestead carrying a bundle of dirty clothes.
Art Buchwald
#44. I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic. I may not get there, but I'm going first class.
Art Buchwald
#45. While my friends were discussing Pearl Harbor as the country's problem, I took it personally. It dawned on me that the Japanese attack could be my ticket out of high school.
Art Buchwald
#46. If President Nixon's secretary, Rosemary Woods, had been Moses' secretary, there would only be eight commandments.
Art Buchwald
#47. The best way to clean up a son's room is to close the door and pretend it's not part of the house.
Art Buchwald
#48. Tax reform is taking the taxes off things that have been taxed in the past and putting taxes on things that haven't been taxed before.
Art Buchwald
#49. Human beings thrive on action. Stagnation does not wear well with us. We are said to have our origins as hunter-gatherers. We run and we chase. We are problem-solvers. We must be continuously tested and we continuously test ourselves. And it will not end until our lives end because of life itself.
Art Buchwald
#50. The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be. Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo.
Art Buchwald
#51. When I got to the hospice I was under the impression it would be a two- or three-week stay. But here I still am, six weeks later, and I've gotten so well Medicare won't pay for me anymore.
Art Buchwald
#52. Over the years I have met a lot of important people, but no one as important as Elvis Presley.
Art Buchwald
#53. The powder is mixed with water and tastes exactly like powder mixed with water.
Art Buchwald
#54. If you attack the establishment long enough and hard enough, they will make you a member of it.
Art Buchwald
#55. I don't mind 800 million Chinese drinking a bottle [of Coca-Cola] a day, but I don't want them to bring back the empties.
Art Buchwald
#56. Just when you think there's nothing to write about, Nixon says, 'I am not a crook.' Jimmy Carter says, 'I have lusted after women in my heart.' President Reagan says, 'I have just taken a urinalysis test, and I am not on dope.
Art Buchwald
#57. The things that matter most are not things.
Art Buchwald
#58. I just don't want to die the same day Castro dies
Art Buchwald
#59. A bad liver is to a Frenchman what a nervous breakdown is to an American. Everyone has had one and everyone wants to talk about it.
Art Buchwald
#60. I contemplated suicide. My main concern was that I would not make the New York Times obituary page.
Art Buchwald
#61. I don't know whether it's normal or not, but sex has always been something that I take seriously. I would put it higher than tennis on my list of constructive things to do.
Art Buchwald
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