Top 73 Watterson Calvin Quotes
#1. CALVIN:
Our hero regains consciousness at the feet of a sarcastic alien.
Bill Watterson
#2. It's a funny world, Hobbes."
"True."
"But it's not a hilarious world. ... unless you like sick humour."
"The world is probably funnier to people who don't live here.
Bill Watterson
#3. Dad: Honey, have you seen my glasses? I cant find them. Mom: I haven't seen them. Calvin: (with glasses, to Dad) Calvin, go do something you hate! Being miserable builds character!
Bill Watterson
#4. Calvin the zombie searches for food. Horribly, the undead feed upon the living! ... Although, in a pinch, a PBJ will do, if you eat it messily enough.
Bill Watterson
#5. I like maxims that don't encourage behavior modification.
-Calvin
Bill Watterson
#7. Calvin: Dad where do babies come from?
Dad: Well Calvin, you simply go to Sears, buy the kit and follow the assembly instructions.
Calvin: I came from Sears?
Dad: No you were a blue-light special at K-Mart - almost as good and a lot cheaper!
Bill Watterson
#8. The only permanent rule in Calvinball is that you can never play it the same way twice! (Calvin)
Bill Watterson
#9. CALVIN:
When I grow up I want to be an inventor. First I will invent a time machine. Then I'll come back to yesterday and take myself to tomorrow and skip this dumb assignment.
Bill Watterson
#10. You know, Hobbes, some days even my lucky rocket ship underpants don't help.
Bill Watterson
#11. Calvin: Do you believe in the devil? You know, a supreme evil being dedicated to the temptation, corruption, and destruction of man? Hobbes: I'm not sure man needs the help.
Bill Watterson
#12. Calvin: I'm a genius. I can't believe how smart I am.
... I've got more brains than I know what to do with.
Hobbes: So I've noticed.
Bill Watterson
#13. They say the secret of success is being at the right place at the right time, but since you never know when the right time is going to be, I figure the trick is to find the right place and just hang around.
Bill Watterson
#14. Life is like topography, Hobbes. There are summits of happiness and success, flat stretches of boring routine and valleys of frustration and failure.
Bill Watterson
#15. Wake up, get up ... Shut up. Listen up ... Throw up ... Mix up, Goof up ... Hurry up ... "
"How's your day?"
"Looking up.
Bill Watterson
#17. I've been thinking Hobbes"
"On a weekend?"
"Well, it wasn't on purpose
Bill Watterson
#18. But Calvin is no kind and loving god! He's one of the old gods! He demands sacrifice!
Bill Watterson
#19. Miss Wormwood: Calvin, your test was an absolute disgrace! It's obvious you haven't read any of the material. Our first president was not Chef Boy-Ar-Dee and you ought to be ashamed to have turned in such preposterous answers!
Calvin: I just don't test well.
Bill Watterson
#20. It's not denial. I'm just selective about the reality I accept.
Bill Watterson
#21. Every day of my life I have to add another name to the list of people who p*ss me off
Calvin, Calvin & Hobbes
Bill Watterson
#22. Calvin: Dear Santa, before I submit life to your scrutiny, I demand to know who made YOU the matter of my fate?! Who are YOU to question my behavior, HUH??? What gives you the right?!
Hobbes: Santa makes the toys, so he gets to decide who to give them to.
Calvin: Oh.
Bill Watterson
#23. The way Calvin's brain is wired you can almost hear the fuses blowing.
Bill Watterson
#24. County library? Reference desk, please. Hello? Yes, I need a word definition. Well, that's the problem. I don't know how to spell it and I'm not allowed to say it. Could you just rattle off all the swear words you know and I'll stop you when ... Hello?
Bill Watterson
#25. Calvin: Life's a lot more fun when you aren't responsible for your actions.
Bill Watterson
#28. I say if a novelty Christmas song is funny one time, then it is funny every time. - Calvin
Bill Watterson
#29. I hope some historian will confirm that I was the first cartoonist to use the word 'booger' in a newspaper comic strip.
Bill Watterson
#30. The best proof of extraterrestrial intelligence is that they haven't contacted us.
Bill Watterson
#31. How touching to have the meaning of Christmas brought to us by cola, fast food and beer conglomerates. Who'd have ever guessed product consumption, popular entertainment and spirituality would mix so harmoniously. It's a beautiful world, all right.
Bill Watterson
#32. Calvin: "I read this library book you got me."
Calvin's Mom: "What did you think of it?"
Calvin: "It really made me see things differently. It's given me a lot to think about."
Calvin's Mom: "I'm glad you enjoyed it."
Calvin: "It's complicating my life. Don't get me any more.
Bill Watterson
#33. I think hiccup cures were really invented for the amusement of the patient's friends.
Bill Watterson
#35. Calvin is hammering nails into coffee table.
Mom: CALVIN WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO THE COFFEE TABLE?!?
Calvin: Is this some sort of trick question, or what?
Bill Watterson
#36. Calvin : There's no problem so awful, that you can't add some guilt to it and make it even worse.
Bill Watterson
#38. Calvin: Know what I pray for?
Hobbes: What?
Calvin: The strength to change what I can, the inability to accept what I can't, and the incapacity to tell the difference.
Bill Watterson
#39. Today for show & tell, I've brought in some flash cards I made. Each card has a letter followed by several dashes. When I show the card, you yell out the vulgar, obscene or blasphemous word they stand for! ... Ready? ... She's such a hypocrite about building vocabulary.
Bill Watterson
#40. My book is called, Shut Up And Stop Whining: How To Do Something With Your Life Besides Think About Yourself.
Bill Watterson
#41. It's gratifying to hear that from people who care about comic art. I never know what to make of it when someone writes to say, "Calvin and Hobbes is the best strip in the paper. I like it even more than Nancy."
Bill Watterson
#42. Sometimes when I'm talking, my words can't keep up with my thoughts. I wonder why we think faster than we speak. Probably so we can think twice.
Bill Watterson
#43. Cigars are all the rage, dad. You should smoke cigars!" - Calvin
"Flatulence could be all the rage, but it would still be disgusting." - Calvin's mom
Bill Watterson
#44. Calvin:"It says here that 'religion is the opiate of the masses.' ... what do you suppose that means?"
Television: " ... it means that Karl Marx hadn't seen anything yet
Bill Watterson
#45. My likely historical significance is a terrible burden. ~ Calvin
Bill Watterson
#47. Look! A trickle of water running through some dirt! I'd say our afternoon just got booked solid!
Bill Watterson
#48. This is where dad burried the little raccoon.
I don't even know he existed a few days ago and now he's gone forever. It's like I found him for no reason. I had to say good-bye as soon as I said hello.
Still ... in a sad, awful, terrible way, I'm happy I met him.
What a stupid world.
Bill Watterson
#49. I have all these great genes, but they're recessive. That's the problem here.
Bill Watterson
#50. Leave it to a girl to take all the fun out of sex discrimination.
-Calvin
Bill Watterson
#51. You know, sometimes kids get bad grades in school because the class moves too slow for them. Einstein got D's in school. Well guess what, I get F's!!!
Bill Watterson
#52. Mom says death is as natural as birth, and it's all part of the life cycle.
She says we don't really understand it, but there are many things we don't understand, and we just have to do the best we can with the knowledge we have.
I guess that makes sense.
Bill Watterson
#53. A day can really slip by when you're deliberately avoiding what you're supposed to do.
Bill Watterson
#54. Did you ever wonder if the person in the puddle is real, and you're just a reflection of him?
Bill Watterson
#55. Calvin: I'm being educated against my will! My rights are being trampled!
Hobbes: Is it a right to remain ignorant?
Calvin: I don't know, but I refuse to find out!
Bill Watterson
#56. Hey Dad, will you buy me a flame thrower?
Of course not. Don't be silly.
Even if I didn't use it in the house?
Bill Watterson
#57. Hobbes: Do you think there's a God? Calvin: Well, somebody's out to get me!
Bill Watterson
#58. I'm learning real skills that I can apply throughout the rest of my life ... procrastinating and rationalizing.
Bill Watterson
#59. Day says the anticipation of having something is often more fun than actually having it.- Calvin
Bill Watterson
#60. Until you stalk and overrun, you cannot devour anyone.
-Hobbes
Bill Watterson
#61. I'm resolving to just wing it and see what happens.
Bill Watterson
#62. Calvin: Medically speaking:. That's love?!? ... Hobbes: Heck, that happened to me once, but I figured it was cooties!!
Bill Watterson
#63. I'm killing time while I wait for life to shower me with meaning and happiness.
Bill Watterson
#64. I'm a misunderstood genius."
"What's misunderstood?"
"Nobody thinks I'm a genius.
Bill Watterson
#66. If I had rolled along with the strip's popularity and repeated myself for another five, 10 or 20 years, the people now 'grieving' for 'Calvin and Hobbes' would be wishing me dead.
Bill Watterson
#67. Calvin: ME TARZAN! KING OF JUNGLE!
Suzy: Nice underpants. Does your mom know you're over here like this?
Calvin: ... I don't think Jane EVER said that to Tarzan.
Bill Watterson
#69. Calvin: Why are you crying mom?
Mom: I'm cutting up an onion.
Calvin: It must be hard to cook if you anthrpomorphisize your vegetables.
Bill Watterson
#70. You know, sometimes the world seems like a pretty mean place.'
'That's why animals are so soft and huggy.
Bill Watterson
#71. Oh lovely snowball, packed with care, smack a head that's unaware! Then with freezing ice to spare, melt and soak through underwear! Fly straight and true, hit hard and square! This, oh snowball, is my prayer. I only throw consecrated snowballs.
Bill Watterson
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